Creating Space to Be Real (7-19-23)

Last week was about listening to fear AND the Brave voice. This week is about creating spaces where people can be real.

We go to my parents’ house every year for the 4^th of July. We grill out, my mom makes enough food to feed a small army, and then we hang out enjoying yard games, playing Uno, telling stories, and watching fireworks. I can’t remember what got us started, but my mom shared a story about a stupid mistake she had made recently. As she shared it, she laughed at herself and her mistake. We all started laughing along with her. From there, everyone else starts jumping in and sharing mistake stories too. We begin calling ourselves out and each other. We give each other a hard time out of love for the dumb things we’ve done. It’s a great vibe. The energy opens the floodgates for my kids to be their silly selves, and once they got going everyone was rolling on the floor laughing. Later that night as were driving home, Alice (11) said, “I like that at grandma and grandpa’s house that we can all laugh at ourselves. I like that we can be a little crazy. It feels good.” As her dad, I was so glad to hear this, because all I want for my kids is for them to be able to be who they are.

What does this have to do with anything? Alice may not be aware of the concepts of vulnerability, authenticity, or psychological safety, BUT she knows how those things feel. She knows that her grandparents love her unconditionally, and that she can be herself there. She knows she can make mistakes and talk about them, and people won’t judge her or think less of her. She also knows that not all places are like this. She knows that not all places feel like that. There is something special at grandma and grandpa’s house, and it starts with them being comfortable laughing at themselves and talking about their mistakes. It starts with them taking actions to set the stage to create a welcoming environment.

Think about work for a minute. Have you ever been on a team where you could really lean in and be yourself? Have you been on teams where you couldn’t? How different did the two teams feel? What did people do to make you feel like you could be yourself? The challenge: What are you doing to create spaces where people can be vulnerable and be themselves? (Here is my elbow nudge- If you can’t instantly think of the things you’re doing to create these spaces, that’s likely a sign that this is an area where you can improve)

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Fear and the Brave Voice (7-12-23)

This week I’m going to kick off a series about lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. This entry is about fear and the Brave voice.

Lately, Cam and I have had a lot of conversations about fear. He talked about how the voice of fear was always too loud, and he couldn’t get it to shut up. One night I explained it to him like this. “The problem isn’t that fear is too loud. The problem is that it’s not being balanced by the Brave voice. Fear is doing its job. Fear’s job is to look out for you. It’s just that fear talks A LOT. The Brave voice says, ‘I hear you fear. Thanks for the input. You make some good points. I’m safe AND I got this!”

This all comes into play during a recent trip to Hoosier Heights, an indoor climbing facility. Cam starts climbing but won’t go up very high because of his fear of heights. We talk about the fear and how the Brave voice tells fear, “I hear you AND I got this.” Cam slowly starts working to face this fear. He climbs a little higher on his own. I climb beside Cam and together we go a bit higher. Each time he does a bit better and better. He continues to build confidence and realize that he’s safe AND he has everything he needs to be successful. Eventually, he makes it to the top of the wall for the very first time! He was so excited and proud!

What does this have to do with anything? If you’re anything like me, you get scared sometimes. Maybe you’re afraid of heights. Maybe you’re afraid of public speaking. Maybe you’re afraid of everyone finding out you’re an impostor. When I was younger, I would try my best to just ignore the fear voice, but that never worked. I would hope that the fear would go away, but that never worked either. The fear is always there somewhere. I’ve learned that I need to listen to fear. I need to give it a chance to say what it needs to say, because it is just trying to look out for me. Then, I need to thank the fear for doing its job, ask the Brave voice to weigh in, and then let fear know I got this.

The challenge: Will you listen to fear as it does its job? Will you make sure your Brave voice is talking too?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

King Knight and Knowing Your Limits (4-12-23)

Last week was about Super Mario 3D World and working together. This week is about King Knight and knowing your limits.

The other day my son, Cam, came up to me and said, “How early do you need to start work tomorrow?” I asked him why he wanted to know. He told me that he was stuck on a particular level of King Knight, a Shovel Knight spin-off, and needed my help. I smiled and told him I’d give him a hand. The next morning, I helped him get past a particularly tricky part and got him to a checkpoint. From there he kept playing on his own. Eventually, he reached the boss of the stage. The first time he faced the boss, he lost pretty quickly. The 2^nd and 3^rd times, he lasted a bit longer. He kept dying, and I thought he’d ask for help, but he didn’t. He kept trying again and again, slowly making progress, until ultimately, he defeated the boss. He was so proud of himself. (Just look at his “I just dominated” pose 😉)

What does this have to do with life? This is a story about Cam understanding his limits and responding accordingly. He knew there was a part of the level that was way beyond his current skills, and that he would not be able to get past it on its own. He was brave enough to ask for help to get past that part. Later, he came to a challenge that was just a little bit past his current skillset. He could have asked for help then, but he knew it would rob him of his chance to accomplish something within his grasp. Instead of asking for help, he trusted himself and kept trying until he eventually succeeded.

I hope we can all be a bit more like Cam. I hope we can assess situations and realize that sometimes they are more than we can handle. In those moments, I hope we are brave enough to ask for help. Other times, I hope we have enough grit to know that we might fail a few times, but we will find a way to do this on our own.

The challenge: How well do you know your limits? Will you ask for help at the right time?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

The Struggles of Parenting and Developing Parenting/Leadership Skills (5-4-22)

This will be the last in our series about lessons I’ve learned as a dad. This week is about the struggles of parenting and developing parenting/leadership skills.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time talking to my wife, friends, and therapists about the struggles of parenting. If I’m being honest, I’ve never consistently failed at something the way I do with parenting. Parenting is making constant mistakes. Parenting is consistently recognizing that the worldview that I was programmed isn’t always the right one. Parenting is a constant reminder that my current skillsets aren’t quite good enough, and I have SOOOOOOOOO much room to grow. Do any of you parents feel similarly?

When I talk about room to grow, I don’t just mean switching up parenting styles. I mean building parenting competencies and working on the fundamental skills that are required to be a good parent. If I had to oversimplify where I am, I have so much room to grow with regards to demonstrating empathy, understanding, and grace. I invest time in getting better at these things, so I can be a better dad. After all, my family deserves it.

You might be wondering what this has to do with anything. I’ve said before that parenting is the same thing as leadership. Look at the above paragraph and replace the word parenting with leadership.

If I’m being honest, I’ve never consistently failed at something the way I do with leadership. Leadership is making constant mistakes. Leadership is consistently recognizing that the worldview I was programmed with isn’t always the right one. Leadership is a constant reminder that my current skillsets aren’t quite good enough, and I have SOOOOOOOOO much room to grow. Does anyone else feel this way?

Similar to parenting, when it comes to developing as a leader it’s not just about changing the style. It’s about looking at the competencies of leadership and working to develop those. It’s investing time in learning and practicing how to set a clear vision, how to create an environment where people feel like they belong, how to prioritize work, how to make decisions, how to hold others accountable, how to help people develop, and more. Like being a parent, it’s important to invest in getting better, because that is what will bring out the best in your team.

The challenge: Where do you need to grow as a parent/leader? How are you growing as a parent/leader?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Building Human Connection (4-27-22)

A person and person taking a selfie

Description automatically generated with low confidence Happy Wednesday,

Last week was about transparency and age-appropriate truth. This week is about being strong enough to build human connection.

It had been a rough day for Violet. It came to a crescendo when she hit her sister and faced negative consequences. Violet was furious when she got in trouble. She lost all control and started yelling mean things at me. She even told me she hated me. In full honesty, the first thoughts that went through my head were angry ones. There was a huge part of me that just wanted to yell back, but I didn’t. I realized her display of anger wasn’t about me. It was about her. I remembered that in tense moments, often the best thing we can do is take an action that leads to human connection, not separation. Yelling at her would have just shut her down. While she would have been quiet, it wouldn’t have been healthy. Instead of yelling, I looked at her and said, “I know you’re angry, and I also think you’re sad or hurting. I know when I’m sad or hurting I sometimes lash out to try to hurt people to make them feel bad too. You can be mad. I still love you. I’ll give you space and check on you in a few minutes.”

I came back later. Violet had calmed down. I asked if she wanted to talk. She was super sad. She cried because she just had a rough day where nothing went right. She felt like she was in a bit of a funk and didn’t know when it would end. She was really frustrated by everything. She eventually apologized to me. Throughout all of it, I just held her, validated her feelings, and helped her sort through things.

What does this have to do with anything? In life and sometimes at work, we get into tense situations. Tempers flare, words are said, and anger is thrown out into the open. When tensions rise, the natural instinct is to get defensive and to return fire with fire. What’s really happening though is that the person’s emotions and the way they are dealing with them are saying a lot more about them than they are about you. It’s important to understand that if a person is having such a strong reaction there are emotions underneath that are making them hurt or scared. When people are hurt or scared, they don’t need more anger and aggression. What they need is connection. Maybe that connection is empathy. Maybe it’s someone asking questions to show they care and are listening. Maybe it’s just sitting there with them as things diffuse.

The challenge: When things are emotionally tense how will you build human connection?

Bonus thought: Brene Brown recently wrote a booked called Atlas of the Heart that dives deeper into understanding emotions. It’s shaping how I’m viewing the world and worth a read. I hear she has a miniseries on HBO Max too, where she discusses some of the content.

Other side notes: Before you think I’m some zen master, I’m not. I screw up a lot, and totally messed up just this past weekend. This story is from one time when I got it right, and that made all the difference. Also, the hammock picture is from a different day. Few things are better than hammock snuggles.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting, Age Appropriate Truth, and Transparency (4-20-22)

Last week was about rock climbing and modeling behavior. This week is about transparency and “age appropriate” truth. It is inspired by Stacy Burdett.

When Stacy and I worked together she once told me that she made a pact to herself that she wouldn’t lie or avoid topics with her kids. Instead, she always strives to deliver “age appropriate” truth. That stuck with me and that’s a concept my wife and I have adopted. “Age appropriate” truth is another way of talking about the layers of transparency. We don’t lie or avoid topics. We try to give them as much insight as we believe they can handle, are clear on why we can’t tell them more in certain situations, and we explain when we will be able to get into more detail. Sometimes we can’t tell them more, because we don’t know. Sometimes, we can’t tell them more, because we don’t feel they have the maturity and capacity to handle it. We may not give them the full truth with every single detail, but we strive to be as transparent as possible no matter the topic. We’ve talked about bodies, bodily functions, race, racism, sexuality, sexual orientation, social classes, and so many more things.

It’s hard to have these kinds of conversations. It would be so much easier to lie to my kids or avoid the tough questions. It’s also hard to know what the “age appropriate” truth is and how much they can handle. I know I’ve made mistakes. Sometimes, we’ve shared too little, and they felt we were hiding things. Sometimes, we probably shared a little more than they were ready for. Sometimes, we didn’t do a good enough job of explaining why we couldn’t share more now and when we will share more in the future. This is something my wife and I continue to work on, because the goal is to always share truth.

What does this have to do with anything? As I’ve said before, being a parent is just like being a leader. As leader, we are constantly trying to navigate how transparent we can be and should be about something. My favorite leaders are the ones who deliver the work version of “age appropriate” truth. They are the ones who tell you what they can AND are clear why they may not be able to tell you more. Even if I do not like the message they are delivering, I appreciate them, because they are showing respect for me and my capacity to handle truth. Do you know any leaders like this? Other leaders fail when it comes to transparency because they are either not being honest to begin with and/or they are not being transparent about when they will be able to share more. These types of leaders often make me feel like I’m being lied to, which erodes trust. Have you ever felt this way?

The challenge: As a leader, how are you delivering the work version of “age appropriate” truth?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting, Indoor Rock Climbing, and Modeling Behavior (4-13-22)

Last week was about Legos and seeing more than imperfections. This week is about rock climbing and leading by example.

A few months ago, my family went to Hoosier Heights, an indoor rock-climbing place that has bouldering (free climb) and auto-belay systems where you can clip in and climb more vertically. As we were driving over there, we thought the kids would be excited. Turns out, the place got a little crowded, the kids got anxious, and were too afraid to climb. It looked like a doomed adventure, until my wife nonchalantly went over to the auto belay area, clipped in, and started climbing. The girls watched, saw how much fun she was having and that it was totally safe. I climbed a couple of times too as the girls watched. Finally, they decided they wanted to try. They were still scared. However, they had seen us do it, so they were brave enough to try. At first, they got about 2 feet off the ground. We celebrated and encouraged them. They kept climbing and sometimes we climbed beside them. Eventually they were getting about halfway up the wall (6 or so feet up). They never made it to the top but going further than you ever have always beats not attempting.

What does this have to do with anything? I’m convinced that the only reason the kids tried climbing is because my wife casually modeled bravery and what to do. My wife didn’t make it a huge production. She didn’t give some moving speech. She just stepped in and demonstrated what to do. I then followed her lead. Eventually, the girls did too.

In many ways this makes me think of leadership. As a leader, you’re often going to be in situations where people are a little bit nervous/anxious/confused. They might be paralyzed. The best thing for you to do is lean in and model what the behavior looks like. Even if you don’t have official authority, your actions set the tone and trajectory for your team and your culture. If you want a team that values people, model what that looks like. If you want a team that values vulnerability, model what that looks like. If you want a team that values transparency, model what that looks like. If you want a team that values trying new things, model what that looks like. People will follow your lead, so you need to ensure your behavior is worth emulating.

The challenge: What behaviors are you modeling?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lego Jeeps and Seeing More Than Imperfections (4-6-22)

This week we are going to start a series about lessons I’ve learned being a dad. We’ll start with building Lego Jeeps and seeing more than imperfections.

Alice (10) loves Legos. She’s built all kinds of cool things over the years. For Christmas she received a set to build a Jeep. The set had hundreds of pieces and was pretty tricky to put together. She basically locked herself in her room for a couple of days and didn’t come out until it was completed Alice was so excited and proud of herself. She rushed downstairs to show me. Now, I’m not proud of what I’m about to say. The first thing I did when I saw it was comment on how one of the wheels wasn’t right. That’s right. I ignored her enthusiasm. I ignored how hard she worked. I ignored that she managed to do something very difficult 99% correctly. Instead, I focused on the 1 thing she missed. Not going to lie, it kind of crushed her a bit, and then I was sad because I made her feel that way. After I realized what I had done, I apologized and switched gears to make sure she understood how excited and proud of her I was. After she understood that, we worked together to rebuild the wheel. By the end of the conversation, she felt better than when I initially crushed her heart.

What does this have to do with anything? Have you ever been Alice at work? I know I have. I’ve had things that I’ve worked on, been super excited about, and then brought them to someone only to have them point out all the flaws without acknowledging any of the effort that went into this. When this happened, I felt crushed. I felt like I hadn’t been seen. It also made me wonder if I really wanted to share things with that person again if they were going to crush it right away. To be clear, I’m not saying we should avoid giving criticism. What I think we can do a better job of is seeing the progress and effort vs. only focusing on imperfections. If we can recognize the initial effort and progress first, then I think it opens us up to have a more honest and meaningful conversation about where we can make progress and address flaws.

The challenge: How can we better balance recognizing progress vs. focusing on imperfections?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting, Leading, and the Burden of Wellness (10-27-21)

This week I want to kick-off a series about wellness. We will start by thinking about parenting, leading, and the burden of wellness. Fair warning, this one might hit hard.

There are times when my girls struggle with their mental/physical/emotional/social health. They get tired, stressed, grumpy, anxious, and lash out. When this happens, my wife and I get together and figure out how we can adjust the environment to make it easier for them to be well. We don’t swoop in to save them. We help create the space for them. There are a lot of different levels to pull. We might say no to extra activities, keeping things off their plate. We might adjust our expectations of them, asking them to only fulfill their minimal chores and obligations vs. asking for more. We might do our best to slow everything else down, so we can spend quality time together. This environment then helps them find their path to wellness.

You might wonder where this one is going. It feels like “wellness” has been the biggest corporate buzzword since COVID started. It has also felt like the burden of wellness often falls on the individual, instead of the company and systems the person operates in. To me the focus on wellness sounds like this, “Andrew, you’re already burned out, so please make time to listen to this webinar about burnout. You’re overworked, so take a course on time management. You don’t have enough time for your commitments, just take a day for self-care.” Do you ever feel this way?

In the story this week, I don’t put this burden of wellness on my daughters. They can’t do this on their own. They need an environment that supports them. As a parent, as a co-leader of the family, I am responsible for creating this environment that promotes and enables wellness. What if our companies, leaders, society, and systems we live in did a better job of creating this environment that promotes wellness? What if instead of always asking for more and more and more and then telling you to take care of yourself, they did a better job of building wellness into the fabric of the way we do things?

The challenge: As a leader, what are you doing to create an environment that makes achieving wellness easier? What strategies and tactics can you execute to create this environment?

The hard reflection: If you aren’t creating an environment that promotes wellness without putting the burden on individuals, you’re likely inadvertently causing harm. Is that okay with you?

Additional thoughts: Even if you’re not a leader with formal authority, I think you can do things to help the wellness of others. I don’t lead a team, but I can make sure I’m recognizing people and showing them how much I appreciate them. This doesn’t solve all problems, but it does give help fill their bucket so they can keep going. I don’t lead a team, but I can spend an extra second making sure I’m clear on what we are trying to accomplish with a given project. This clarity minimizes swirl, which minimizes how much energy a person has to spend doing something. They can use the energy they didn’t waste to do other things in life without going empty. I don’t lead a team, but I can tell someone, “This isn’t urgent. Don’t rush to get it to me. I’m not going to look at it for a couple of days anyway,” which gives them time to breathe. Reserving speed and urgency for only the things that truly require speed and urgency allows people to save their energy for when it matters. I’m not perfect at any of these things. I am trying to be more cognizant, so I can do better because even my actions as an individual contributor make a difference.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting, Autonomy, and Empowerment (4-21-21)

This is our final installment of lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad. This entry is about parenting, autonomy, and empowerment.

My wife and I believe our role as parents is to raise girls who grow up to be strong independent young women. With this in mind, we are constantly navigating the balance between the need for our involvement and giving them autonomy. This is tricky, because this line is always moving as our girls grow and develop. Ultimately, my wife and I have decided that we have the final decision making authority regarding anything that might impact their health and safety. Outside of those areas, we try to empower them and give them as much space to operate as we can. Over time, I’ve realized that empowering them to explore on their own has had interesting results. They have learned to figure stuff out on their own. They explore their creativity in “cool girl” fashion shows (pics this week). They experiment in different ways, whether using art supplies or tools to build things. They are learning to trust and believe in themselves. Most importantly they are finding who they are. These things wouldn’t happen if my wife and I were constantly interfering in their lives.

How does this connect with work? Being a parent is being a leader of a family. As a leader of a family or of a team it is your job to continue to walk the fine line between being involved in things vs. empowering others. Walking this line isn’t easy. If the leader is too involved, then the individual doesn’t have much decision making power, and things tend to move slowly. If the leader is not at all involved, there is a risk that the individual may not be taking things in the right direction with their decision making power. We are all leaders in some capacity, so all of us need to continue to work on this balance for ourselves. As leaders we need to be intentional about what we are involved in. Where do we want to be involved in something and why do we want to be involved? Do we want to be involved because we want control? Do we want to be involved because we offer unique insight? Do we want to be involved because we see a potential risk for our team?

The challenge: How are you striking the balance as a leader between involvement and autonomy? How could you empower your people even more?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry