Human Cheat Code for Connection (10-28-26)

Last week was about being human and allowing yourself to have human reactions to things. This week is about what I call the human cheat code for connection.

Have you ever been in a in a particularly sticky and tricky emotionally driven situation, where the person across from you is hurting and you don’t know what to say? Have you been in that place where you had the chance to be supportive and connect person to person, and instead you froze? Maybe you were scared the wrong things. Maybe you were unable to find the perfect words. I know I’ve been in all of this.

Over the years, I’ve found that there is a cheat code I can use to connect with others in these situations. Here it is: Be Present+Ensure they know they are seen/heard+ Ensure they know they are valued/loved. That’s it. That’s the flow I follow in these situations. Being present is being there, sitting in the moment with them. Ensuring they know they are seen/heard is about acknowledging the situation. Ensuring they know they are valued/loved is about reminding them that no matter what they have worth, because they are fellow human beings. It might sound as simple as, “I’m here. This sucks. I don’t have any better words to say that that this is crappy. I know you’re doing your best to navigate all this. I hope you know how much I and others care about you.” Those words aren’t particularly fancy. At the same time, if someone said something this simple to you in a time of need, how would you feel? I’d imagine you’d feel like they were connecting with you.

What does this have to do with work? People don’t just have tough situations in their personal life. They show up at work too. Maybe it’s feeling overwhelmed by the workload. Maybe it’s a project that fell apart. Maybe it’s organizational change. In these moments, people need connection. In these moments, it might be hard to find the right words, or you might be too scared to reach out. Using the cheat code will get you there 99% of the time.

The challenge: How will you connect with someone today?

Bonus thought- The examples I used above were more difficult situations. The cheat code still applies when great things happen to. “I saw you on that project. You absolutely crushed it. I see you putting in the extra effort and thinking to make a clear recommendation. I hope you’re so proud of yourself, because you did great work.”

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Wifi, Signal Strength, and Meaningful Connections (8-3-22)

Last week was about rethinking impossible. This week the words that inspired me come from a computer alert about Wi-fi and stronger connections. I was working on my computer on my back patio, trying to get caught up on everything, when the below message popped up and struck a chord with me.

I looked at it for a moment and my first instinct was to say, “Thanks Captain Obvious!” My second instinct was to say, “I’m not that far away from the router.” Then, I had a mini epiphany, which just goes to show that sometimes inspiration comes from strange places. As I looked at the message, I started substituting words.

“The strength of your connection between you and the people you care about could be improved by moving closer to them.”
“The strength of your connection between you and yourself could be improved by moving closer to who you are.”

You might be wondering what this has to do with anything. If I’m being entirely honest, work (and life for that matter) has been kicking by butt for the past few months. The expectations are high, and the pressure to meet them (whether external or internal) is even higher. It’s a flurry of early mornings, long nights, fire drills, and last-minute pivots. It’s been sprinting and sprinting and sprinting with little rest. Have you felt like this lately?

With all of this, I’ve felt myself getting lost in the swirl. It is kind of like being on a boat where each wave took me further and further from shore. Suddenly, you look up and realize how far you have drifted away, and that you need to get back. That pop up from IT was the nudge to get back to shore. My mini epiphany made me pause and realize that I had moved AWAY from the people/things that make me whole, and I needed to focus my energy on moving CLOSER to the people/things I care about (myself included). After all, life is all about having meaningful connections with people and things you love. It was just the nudge I needed to step back and refocus after a chaotic few months.

The challenge: Who or what do you need to move closer to?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Building Human Connection (4-27-22)

A person and person taking a selfie

Description automatically generated with low confidence Happy Wednesday,

Last week was about transparency and age-appropriate truth. This week is about being strong enough to build human connection.

It had been a rough day for Violet. It came to a crescendo when she hit her sister and faced negative consequences. Violet was furious when she got in trouble. She lost all control and started yelling mean things at me. She even told me she hated me. In full honesty, the first thoughts that went through my head were angry ones. There was a huge part of me that just wanted to yell back, but I didn’t. I realized her display of anger wasn’t about me. It was about her. I remembered that in tense moments, often the best thing we can do is take an action that leads to human connection, not separation. Yelling at her would have just shut her down. While she would have been quiet, it wouldn’t have been healthy. Instead of yelling, I looked at her and said, “I know you’re angry, and I also think you’re sad or hurting. I know when I’m sad or hurting I sometimes lash out to try to hurt people to make them feel bad too. You can be mad. I still love you. I’ll give you space and check on you in a few minutes.”

I came back later. Violet had calmed down. I asked if she wanted to talk. She was super sad. She cried because she just had a rough day where nothing went right. She felt like she was in a bit of a funk and didn’t know when it would end. She was really frustrated by everything. She eventually apologized to me. Throughout all of it, I just held her, validated her feelings, and helped her sort through things.

What does this have to do with anything? In life and sometimes at work, we get into tense situations. Tempers flare, words are said, and anger is thrown out into the open. When tensions rise, the natural instinct is to get defensive and to return fire with fire. What’s really happening though is that the person’s emotions and the way they are dealing with them are saying a lot more about them than they are about you. It’s important to understand that if a person is having such a strong reaction there are emotions underneath that are making them hurt or scared. When people are hurt or scared, they don’t need more anger and aggression. What they need is connection. Maybe that connection is empathy. Maybe it’s someone asking questions to show they care and are listening. Maybe it’s just sitting there with them as things diffuse.

The challenge: When things are emotionally tense how will you build human connection?

Bonus thought: Brene Brown recently wrote a booked called Atlas of the Heart that dives deeper into understanding emotions. It’s shaping how I’m viewing the world and worth a read. I hear she has a miniseries on HBO Max too, where she discusses some of the content.

Other side notes: Before you think I’m some zen master, I’m not. I screw up a lot, and totally messed up just this past weekend. This story is from one time when I got it right, and that made all the difference. Also, the hammock picture is from a different day. Few things are better than hammock snuggles.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Culture, Relationships, and Indoor Rock Climbing (7-19-17)

This week I’d like to start a series about creating culture. Creating culture starts with relationships, so this week I’d like for us to reflect on indoor rock climbing and forming bonds with people.

For the record, I’ve never officially done indoor rock-climbing. I’ve always wanted to go though, so if you have suggestions on place in Indy I should try I’m open. Anyway, let’s pretend that you and I go somewhere to do some indoor climbing. Let’s pretend there are three areas we can climb. We go to the first area and see that there are plenty of holds you can grab onto or stand on so climbing is relatively easy. We go to the second area and see that there aren’t as many holds and they are further apart. We are still able to climb, but it’s a lot more difficult. We go to the final area and it’s a plain wall. There aren’t any holds at all. We have to find a way to spider-man up an entirely flat and sleek surface. We never get anywhere and eventually give up.

So you’re probably wondering what this has to do with relationships. Forming a relationship is like indoor rock climbing. It’s a little easier if you have holds. What if those climbing areas weren’t climbing areas. What if they were people? We will call the first climbing area Susie. Susie is open and welcoming, willing to share multiple sides of herself. Out of everything she shares you find out there is a lot you can relate to, so the two of you connect pretty easily. The next climbing area is Bob. Bob isn’t as open as Susie. Bob shares some of himself, but he’s pretty guarded. It takes you more time and more effort, but eventually you and Bob connect. Let’s call the final area Sam. Sam doesn’t ever make the effort to connect and doesn’t want to. You try, but you and Sam can’t ever get on the same page.

Now think about work and life. Do you know a Susie, Bob, or Sam? How is interacting with those people different? Are you a Susie, Bob, or Sam at work? Are you a Susie, Bob, or Sam at home or some other setting? Your willingness to be open and to try to build a relationship with others is important, because relationships are the bedrock of any culture. If you don’t invest in building up those relationships you can’t gather the trust you need in order to take you and your team to the next level. With all that said, there are a lot of factors that impact how much you are willing to share and how much you are willing to invite people to get to know you. I’m not asking us all to be like Susie. What I am challenging us all on is to look at ourselves and determine if we are doing enough to at least give a person who is trying to form a relationship a hold to grab onto.

The challenge: What can you do to build better relationships and a better culture?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry