Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 7 Be Present (5-3-17)

This is going to be the last in our current series about lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad. We’ve talked about reinforcing “youness,” collaborating vs. competing, the value of a blanket, and finally how doing small things can make something special. This week we are going to end with the most important lesson I’ve learned, the power of being present.

A little while ago, I went to my first ever daddy daughter dance with Alice. Before going to the dance I took her out to eat at Dairy Queen, because she wanted ice cream for dinner. After dinner we went to the dance, broke out some sweet dance moves, and played. Alice was incredibly excited about the whole thing and told everyone how much fun she had. She said that her favorite part was having time with me. (Is your heart a puddle yet? Mine totally melted when she said that. The picture made my heart melt even more. I’m biased, but look at that smile on her face plus that bald guy is gorgeous.)

Here’s the thing. Even though we did some cool things, the best thing to her was that I was there. I was fully present with her for the entire night. No phone. No distractions. Just us. Over my 5 years of being a dad I’ve realized that my kids want toys and things like any other normal kid, but the thing they want the most is someone to be there and present with them. They want someone to enter their world, someone to play with, someone to give them love and attention.

This is the part where I’m supposed to lie and say that I’m such an amazing parent that I’m always 100% present. Not true. I get distracted by everything pulling at me 24/7. There’s always more work to be done, another email to answer, etc. It’s easy to get lost in this, and in my case lose the precious time I have with my two little girls and my wife. I don’t get this right every day, but I do try every day to do better.

Work connection. Similar to my kids, I think we all want people who are there and present with us. We want colleagues, mentors, leaders, etc. who can sit down and truly be with us. We understand that time is so valuable, and that the greatest gift someone can give us is their time and attention. This isn’t easy though. There are distractions at home and there are distractions in the office. How many times have you been having a conversation with a person while they were answering emails and texts? Sure, you might have been talking to them, but they weren’t really there. How did that make you feel? How many times are you the person who is doing the texting or distracted when people are talking to you? How often are you truly 100% present?

The challenge: How can you be more present?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 5 Blankets, True Function, and Value (4-19-17)

Last week was about keeping your eyes open for joy. This week is about learning how to find different kinds of value in people and things. We will explore this by thinking about blankets as they relate to keeping people warm, building forts, and defining value. Overall, this is an entry about me being self-conscious about being valuable, so if you are ever there know you aren’t alone.

When I think of blankets I first think of their function. Therefore, the value of a blanket is its ability to keep you warm. However, kids don’t think about it this way. To my daughters, a blanket can become a way to create a picnic space. A blanket is a play mat for babies. A blanket is also an important construction material for making forts. A blanket can become a super hero cape, dance floor, boat to protect you from the lava, a matador cape, a hammock, etc. When my daughters look at a blanket they value it for more than just its ability to keep you warm.

You might be wondering how this connects with work. I’d like to share a story and then a connection. Let’s rewind to when I just started in my role about 2.5 months ago. People who know me, know that being goofy, offbeat, and constantly making quips and jokes is just what I do. One day I made some joke and one of my teammates gave me a compliment, “I’m glad you’re on the team. You’re bringing the fun factor.” Sounds pretty good right? It’s a really nice thing for someone to say, right? The problem is I’m extremely self-conscious about providing what I have decided is “real value” to the team, so I respond by saying, “Thanks. One day I hope to bring some actual value to the team.” (Jerk ungrateful move on my part). Anyway, he responded, “Yeah, but the fun factor is value. It’s worth something.” That response made me stop and think. I was so fixated on fulfilling what I thought my true function was that I discounted anything else I might have to offer. I basically was saying, “I’m not providing the team any market research insights at this time, so I’m not worth much.”

Now think back to my daughters and blankets. They value the blanket for many reasons beyond just its “true” function. In my story, essentially the guy told me, “You make an awesome fort” and my response was to say, “Blankets aren’t for forts.” The fact is there is value in building forts, because building forts is awesome! There is value in using blankets as boats, capes, play mats, etc. There is value in all of these things as well as the supposed “true” function a thing or a person is supposed to perform. Bottom line: You are a blanket. Yes, you keep people warm, but you do so many other things too. I hope you understand how important all those other things you do are. I hope you know you are valued and loved.

The challenge: Do you see ALL of the value you provide?

Bonus: Give recognition to someone today for the different value they bring to your team and your life.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 4 Keep your Eyes Open for Joy (4-12-17)

Last week was about the darker side of parenting, uber-competitive parents, and staying focused on what matters. This week I want to bring us back to the light side with a focus on keeping our eyes open for joy and wonder.

There is something special about the way young kids view the world. I feel that little kids always have their eyes open looking for magic, joy, and something special. If you want an example of what I’m talking about, just check out the picture. A few Saturdays ago we all went to Menards to check out patio furniture and other things. We were walking down the aisle when Violet saw the safety cones and got excited like she had found a long lost treasure. Before we knew what had happened, she had a new hat and Alice had followed suit. They were then posing and marching in their awesome new attire. When Violet looks at the world, she always sees something worth paying attention to whether it’s the different colors on gas stations to how clouds look like animals.

I don’t know about you, but when I see safety cones, I don’t automatically think hats. It’s sad to say, but I feel as we grow up we slowly lose our ability to always search for joy and wonder. Luckily for me, these two young ladies are helping me see the world as a much more interesting and beautiful place.

You are probably wondering how this connects with work. Every day we work. We see emails, spreadsheets, slides, meetings, people, etc. It’s really easy to just see these things the way they appear to be. It’s really easy to become numb and blind to them. It’s easy to take them for granted. It’s a lot harder to go into these each and every day with eyes that are looking for joy, beauty, magic, and anything else that might be good in this world.

The challenge: As we go through our days do we see the potential for joy in them the way Violet sees the joy in a safety cone? What are some things you’ve seen lately that bring you joy? (Write a list. It always helps me see how beautiful the world can be.)

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 3 The Darker Side of being a Dad (4-5-17)

Last week was about competing vs. collaborating as it applies to my daughters. This week I want to look at the darker side of being a dad. Of course I’m talking about when parents unnecessarily compete against each other through their kids. As we reflect this week, I want us to ask ourselves, “What really matters?”

I never knew how crazy competitive people could be until I had kids. The very moment we had our first child, people started coming out of the woodwork. The conversation basically starts with “Perfect Parent” saying, “I and/or my kid is doing A, B, and C, and if you aren’t doing those things you are a horrible parent or something is wrong with your kid.” This applies to everything; even things I didn’t realize you could compete on. For example, Perfect Parent would say that if you don’t breast feed you are a horrible mom. Perfect Parent would want you to know that if your children aren’t eating all vegan all the time, then they are less than human. Perfect Parent likes to remind dads that if their kids aren’t in the perfect outfit they are horrible fathers. Perfect Parent wants you to know that their kid is involved in 50 activities and is too busy for non-value add activities like playing. Perfect Parent likes to remind you that their kid is reading novels at age 5, and if your kid isn’t they are doomed to a horrible life. Perfect Parent continues to do this with their child of all ages.

If you don’t have kids, you’re probably thinking the above paragraph was really stupid. If you do have kids, you’re probably thinking, “Yep, that’s my experience.” I’ve found that it’s easy to get swept up in all of this and start feeling like a horrible person who is ruining your child’s life because you aren’t doing “the right thing” or are not pushing them to do a million things. Here’s the truth though. 99% of all that stuff, doesn’t matter. If we are honest with ourselves, most of the time it’s parents focusing on stuff that in the grand scheme of things doesn’t matter in order to make themselves feel good. In order to make sure I don’t get lost in this stuff as a dad, I need to start by deciding what’s really important. For me there are 3 things I care about with regards to my kids: their health, them being good strong people (loving, generous, kind, thoughtful, independent, etc.), and them having grit/tenacity. Those are the things I care about and the things I work on with my kids. If your kid is a better reader or is smarter, that’s fine. I’m happy for you and them. At the same time, I’m not competing. I’m not sitting around comparing my kids to yours. I don’t need to get bent out of shape about those things. My thought is that if my girls grow up and all they are is healthy, good strong people, and tenacious they will be pretty good people and I will have done my job as a parent.

Making connections. Even if you don’t have kids, you’ve probably seen this play out in different places. It’s easy at work for “Perfect Employee” to say, “You should be doing X, Y, and Z exactly like me or you’re not good.” It’s easy to look around at others and say, “I need to be just like them and doing their things.” On top of this, there are people throughout this company that are smarter than me, more talented than me, at a higher level than me, etc. I don’t need to drive myself crazy competing with them. Instead, I can be happy for them and focus on me and what I need to do. Similar to being a dad, I’d argue the first thing we need to do is decide what is important, because a lot of that is stuff that just doesn’t matter. What’s important to you depends on what you value and what your goals are.

The challenge: Are you getting lost in a competitive environment or are you focusing on the things that are really important?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 2 You are on the same team (3-29-17)

Last week was about reinforcing the “youness” of someone else. This week is about competing vs. collaborating. Competing plays out in a few ways at my house. One way, Alice gets in trouble and then Violet comes over to remind me that she “Makes good choices and Alice makes bad choices.” Another way is Violet sings a song and then Alice gets jealous and starts trying to sing over Violet. The final way is that one of the girls goes out of their way to make sure they are noticed more than their sister.

When I see these competitive behaviors, I know that it’s not always malicious (but sometimes it is). When we see this behavior, my wife and I always tell our girls the same thing. “You two are not competing. You are sisters. You are on the same team. It’s your job to look out for and help each other out.” Sometimes when we have this conversation it’s like talking to two brick walls. Sure they might not be fighting, but they are still working alone instead of together. In this case, not much changes. Sometimes though, on lucky days, when you can find rainbows, leprechauns, and unicorns we see small breakthroughs. These are the days when Alice gets something for her sister that Violet can’t reach. These are the days when Violet comes to tell us that Alice did something nice for her. These are the days when Alice comes and tells us how great Violet is doing with her speech. These are the days that melt my heart, the days when they are working together, holding each other up, and making sure their sister receives some love and recognition.

You are probably seeing some of the work connections already. It’s easy to laugh at the stories of my girls competing. It’s easy to laugh at Alice trying to sing louder than Violet or Violet telling us that she makes good choices, while Alice makes bad choices. It’s easy to write this off as two young kids who are immature, but we’ve all seen stuff like this in our normal day to day life, right? We’ve seen the person who tries to consistently outshine others. We’ve seen the person who tries to remind you how much better they are than everyone else. We’ve seen people who create an environment of competition vs. collaboration through their words and actions. We’ve seen these things, and I’d argue we all commit these acts sometimes. I know I have, and just like my girls sometimes we do these things on purpose and sometimes we do them unintentionally.

On the other side of things like I mentioned my heart melts when I see my girls working together. It’s one of the best parts of being a parent. The thing is this happens at work too. We’ve probably all seen true collaboration. We’ve seen someone take time out of their day to truly partner with someone. We’ve had people come up to us and say, “You probably didn’t see this, but Susie did X and that made a huge difference for the team.” We’ve witnessed these things and done these things. Just like for my kids, my heart smiles when I see this. (I know. I’m kind of sappy). My heart also feels better when I live this on a daily basis. I’d imagine you feel better in a true collaborative environment as well. We have enough external obstacles that make helping patients difficult, so we don’t need to compete against each other.

The challenge: “We are brothers and sisters. We are on the same team.” How often are you competing vs. collaborating? What are you doing to help others see when they are competing instead of collaborating?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 1 Reinforcing your “Youness” (3-22-17)

This week I’d like to kick off a new series focused on lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad. In case you don’t know I have two girls, Alice (almost 5) and Violet (3). They’ve taught me so much more than I’ll ever teach them. This week is about reinforcing the “youness” of others. “Youness” is a phrase I’m stealing from Lilly colleague Tony Brazelton and means “the stuff that makes you you.”

If you talk to Alice for any period of time she will boldly claim that she’s going to be scientist/inventor when she grows up. This is part of her youness, part of what makes her light up, makes her tick, drives her, etc. She considers this to be part of who she is. For Christmas her favorite gift was a scientist lab coat. See epic proud face. The best day in her life so far was the day when she realized that mixing baking soda and vinegar created a volcano like explosion. When we want to get her to try new foods we tell her that she’s conducting research and that we will record her findings and she tries stuff right away (#parentingwin). This is heartwarming, but here’s the thing, I know that as she gets older she will receive pressure in various ways that will discourage her from wanting to get into science because of the fact that she is a girl.

As a dad I want to help her with this pressure. My thought is that I can do this in two ways. First, I need to reinforce her youness with her. I make sure I reinforce and praise who she is by saying stuff like, “Alice, you are a scientist. You are smart. You are curious. Do you know what scientists do? They test their ideas, they fail, and they try over and over again. That’s you. You are a scientist, and that is one of the things that makes you awesome.” Besides reinforcing her youness with her, I can reinforce her youness with others. One small example comes from family members who want to buy her gifts for her birthday or Christmas. Many of them assume that she’s really into dolls, because she’s a young girl. I take the time to explain to them that dolls aren’t really her. Then I try to reinforce what Alice is about by explaining that Alice is all about science, exploring, building, and figuring stuff out. I tell them to think science kits, magnets, legos, etc. This act helps them see Alice for who she is and what she has to offer.

What does this have to do with work? We all have our own youness. At the same time, the world may not always appreciate our youness. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt that what makes you you just isn’t appreciated? On the flip side, how did you feel when people saw and reinforced your youness with you and others? Reinforcing somebody’s youness doesn’t take a lot. Often it just takes a few words at the right time.

Here’s a story from a previous role of a leader who reinforced a new teammate’s youness in a group setting. I was in a meeting and it was the first time the team was coming together. We had a new teammate, Susie (fake name real story) who had come to us from a brand that had fallen through. If you know Susie, you know that Susie cares incredibly deeply for people. It is part of what makes her her. As Susie talked about her previous experience on that brand she talked about how big of a difference she thought they were going to be able to make in the lives of patients. You could see that she truly cared for these people and that she was crushed things had not gone better. As she tells the story, she starts crying a little bit. Her crying created that moment (some would call it awkward) where everyone is silent. Susie starts apologizing for being emotional and the leader says something like, “No need to apologize. I see you. I see your passion. I see how much you care for people. I need that. We need that. I hope you bring that with you to our team.” The leader could have ignored it. The leader could have just said, “It’s okay” and brushed off the emotion with some other statement. Instead, the leader reinforced Susie’s “youness” with the team and Susie in a few simple statements that went a long way. You could tell the leader’s few words had a powerful impact on Susie and also on the rest of the team. A simple and profound leadership lesson I’ll remember. I left that meeting saying, “I want to be like that leader when I grow up.”

Challenge: Are you reinforcing the “youness” of others? Bonus->Take the time to reinforce the youness of someone today.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Video Game Lessons Part 2 Child of Light and Lifting Each Other Up (10-19-16)

Last week we look at tenacity and Super Mario Brothers. This week I want to talk about a game called Child of Light and celebrating the success of others. Alice and I have played a lot of videos games, but her favorite to play together is Child of Light. It’s a fairy tale like game where the hero is a young girl named Aurora who has to save the kingdom from monsters and evil. I love the game because it has beautiful artwork, a whimsical story, and it shows that girls can kick butt just as much as boys.

When Alice was younger, we would play this game together and I’d have to carry most of the load. Recently, she got to the point in her videogame career where she can more or less play this game on her own. I still have to help her figure out what direction to go in sometimes, but she does everything else by herself. Anyway, she defeats all these monsters and finally reaches the final boss. The boss is a dragon like creature or as Alice would say, “The biggest monster I ever saw! This is going to be tough!” At first Alice died a few times, but eventually she beat the boss and saved the world. Alice beamed with excitement the moment she landed the final blow. This was the first game she’s beat on her own. I picked her up and said, “You did it! You beat the monster!” and then we did a celebratory dance in our living room. (Cuteness level was turned all the way up to 11, bonus points if you got the Spinal Tap reference). I’ve beaten a lot of games in my life, but I was just as excited about Alice’s win as I would have been if I would have beat the game myself. While Alice was excited for herself that she beat the game, I’d argue she was equally excited that I took notice.

So what does this have to do with work? Think about work for a moment. Think of the last small or big thing you accomplished. Did anyone else share your excitement? Did your team lift you up or did they go on like nothing had ever happened? Think of someone you work with who recently achieved something. Did you take the time out of your day to lift them up and show them you were excited for them? Did you even say anything to them? Imagine how different this place would be if everyone else shared your excitement as you moved toward your goal. Imagine how much further we could all go if we spent time lifting each other up.

The challenge: Are you strong enough to celebrate the victories of others and lift up those around you? We’re going to need your strength, because “Disease is the biggest monster I ever saw. It’s going to be tough.”

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 6 Building Bridges between Towers (3-16-16)

This will be the last in the series about lessons I’ve learned from my daughters. We’ve talked about celebrating first steps, recognizing each other, showing appreciation, overcoming obstacles, and saying “Yes!…and” to invisible bull fights. I want to end this series by talking about a different game I play with Alice that is all about connecting people.

One of Alice’s favorite games is called Camelot Junior. It’s a puzzle game you play with wooden blocks. You use those wooden blocks to build bridges to connect two characters. Each puzzle starts with you setting up the knight and princess on two separate towers. Then you use blocks to build a bridge, so the two characters can meet in the middle. In our house, the characters meet in the middle to talk about really important stuff like dragons, saving the kingdom from bad guys, and dance moves.

After you connect the two characters you move to the next challenge. The game comes with an instruction book that tells you how to set up different puzzles and which blocks you are allowed to use to build the bridge in each situation. As you progress throughout the game, connecting the characters becomes more and more difficult as the characters are placed further apart and you have to use blocks in new and creative ways to build the bridge.

What does this have to do with anything? Much like the game, life is about building bridges between two people, so they can connect in the middle. Depending on the two people and their backgrounds, they might start out really close together or they could be really far apart. In the grand scheme of things, the distance between the two people doesn’t matter. What matters is whether or not you are willing to try to bridge that gap. All that matters is whether or not you are willing and able to find the right blocks to start building a bridge to connect with other people. Are you willing to take the first step and begin building the bridge? Are you willing to put in the time to understand others, so you can find new blocks that will connect you with each other?

The challenge: How are you building a bridge between you and the people around you?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 3 The Power of Appreciation (2-24-16)

Last week we talked about recognition and this week we’ll think about appreciation by sharing some pictures I came across on my phone from Christmas.

When I came back to work after holiday break people often asked me how my holidays were. I always told them they were amazing. I loved unplugging from work, getting caught up on sleep, and binge watching some TV shows. Most of all, I loved the Christmas I had with my family. This was by far the best Christmas I’ve ever had.

You might be wondering what was so special. Take a look at the pictures. Look at their faces. Look at the joy and appreciation. That’s why this was the best Christmas ever! Both girls are at a perfect age where they truly appreciated and cherished the gifts they were given. They did these things with such sincerity that I couldn’t help but smile. In the grand scheme of things, the gifts they received were not extravagant. Alice is clutching a maze activity book that probably cost $1. Violet is enthralled with a Little Einstein’s book that might have been $5. It wasn’t the gift that made them smile as much as it was the appreciation that someone cared about them so much that they got them something they would enjoy. I hope they never grow out of this stage.

When was the last time you felt and showed such appreciation? Maybe a family member did something special for you. Maybe a friend gave you a call to check up on you. Maybe a co-worker gave you a pat on the back for a job done well. There have been a lot of things going on in life right now that continue to confirm how precious life, family, and friends really are. How are you showing appreciation for these people and things that make life worth living?

The challenge: Show someone how much you appreciate them this week. Clutch onto life the way Alice holds her maze book and smile as you peruse through life’s pages the way Violet does as she searches for Rocket.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 2 Legos and Recognition (2-17-16)

Last week was a story about recognizing progress. This week is a different recognition story. The other day the girls and I were playing with Legos while my wife was out of the house with some friends. Whenever Alice builds something she thinks is really cool we put it up on the island in our kitchen so she can show her mom later. When we show my wife, Alice gets so excited, and it gives us a chance as parents to encourage her for her creativity, imagination, and the stories she tells.

The picture is of Alice with some Lego creations. Notice that I didn’t say HER Lego creations. She built the tower thing on the left, but the other things you see are things that I built with Violet. Violet and I had just finished building “Dinosaur Truck Tower” and “Helicopter Friend” (Alice’s names for the things) when Alice rushed over and said, “Daddy, these are beautiful. Can I put them on the island to show mommy? She’ll be so proud of you and Violet.”

Alice wasn’t jealous. Alice wasn’t worried that if her mom saw our cool stuff that she’d think Alice’s creations weren’t great. Instead, she was so proud of the work her sister and I did that she wanted to share it with her mom.

Think about our work. We often talk about the need for reward and recognition. We often wait for a boss or someone higher up to notice us. Instead of waiting, why don’t we lift each other up to be seen? How often do you get so excited about the work of your peers that you make the effort to make sure the boss notices them? How do you take their work and put it on your “kitchen island” so everyone else can see what you think is beautiful?

The Challenge: Show someone a peer’s “Lego creation” this week. Show them the beautiful colors, the thought that went into building it. Show them that you are noticing them and you care enough about them that you want to share them and their success with the world.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry