Parenting and Building Human Connection (4-27-22)

A person and person taking a selfie

Description automatically generated with low confidence Happy Wednesday,

Last week was about transparency and age-appropriate truth. This week is about being strong enough to build human connection.

It had been a rough day for Violet. It came to a crescendo when she hit her sister and faced negative consequences. Violet was furious when she got in trouble. She lost all control and started yelling mean things at me. She even told me she hated me. In full honesty, the first thoughts that went through my head were angry ones. There was a huge part of me that just wanted to yell back, but I didn’t. I realized her display of anger wasn’t about me. It was about her. I remembered that in tense moments, often the best thing we can do is take an action that leads to human connection, not separation. Yelling at her would have just shut her down. While she would have been quiet, it wouldn’t have been healthy. Instead of yelling, I looked at her and said, “I know you’re angry, and I also think you’re sad or hurting. I know when I’m sad or hurting I sometimes lash out to try to hurt people to make them feel bad too. You can be mad. I still love you. I’ll give you space and check on you in a few minutes.”

I came back later. Violet had calmed down. I asked if she wanted to talk. She was super sad. She cried because she just had a rough day where nothing went right. She felt like she was in a bit of a funk and didn’t know when it would end. She was really frustrated by everything. She eventually apologized to me. Throughout all of it, I just held her, validated her feelings, and helped her sort through things.

What does this have to do with anything? In life and sometimes at work, we get into tense situations. Tempers flare, words are said, and anger is thrown out into the open. When tensions rise, the natural instinct is to get defensive and to return fire with fire. What’s really happening though is that the person’s emotions and the way they are dealing with them are saying a lot more about them than they are about you. It’s important to understand that if a person is having such a strong reaction there are emotions underneath that are making them hurt or scared. When people are hurt or scared, they don’t need more anger and aggression. What they need is connection. Maybe that connection is empathy. Maybe it’s someone asking questions to show they care and are listening. Maybe it’s just sitting there with them as things diffuse.

The challenge: When things are emotionally tense how will you build human connection?

Bonus thought: Brene Brown recently wrote a booked called Atlas of the Heart that dives deeper into understanding emotions. It’s shaping how I’m viewing the world and worth a read. I hear she has a miniseries on HBO Max too, where she discusses some of the content.

Other side notes: Before you think I’m some zen master, I’m not. I screw up a lot, and totally messed up just this past weekend. This story is from one time when I got it right, and that made all the difference. Also, the hammock picture is from a different day. Few things are better than hammock snuggles.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Rope Swings and Finding a Way Forward (4-1-20)

Last week was about having a clear reward system. This week is about building a rope swing and finding a way forward instead of always finding barriers.

About a month ago Violet asked me for some string. I gave her a thing of string and she went back upstairs. She had been quite for too long, so I went upstairs to see what she was doing. Our upstairs looks down over our entry way. She had taken the string and woven it through the railing. I asked her what she was doing and she replied that she was making a rope swing. At that critical moment I could have responded in a few different ways. Most obviously, I could have told her that was a bad idea and she couldn’t do it. Instead, I said, “I like your idea. I’m not sure if string is strong enough to hold you if you swing, so how could we make this work?” She paused for a moment and then said that rope would probably be strong enough to hold her. We didn’t have any rope at the time, so I told her we would get some. A couple of weeks ago we got some rope, and as soon as we got it we built a rope swing in our house. You’ll notice a green blanket around the rope in the picture. That was Violet’s idea to protect her hands. Pretty clever if I can say so. 😉

What does this have to do with anything? My wife and I are trying to raise girls who are willing to try new things and bring new ideas to the table. In order to promote that we try to create an environment where we work to find ways forward instead of always finding barriers. Think about work for a minute. How often have you shared a new idea with someone and the first thing out of their mouth was all the reasons why we CAN’T do something? How did that feel? I don’t know about you, but those situations take a lot of my energy and eventually make me want to give up on new ideas. On the other hand, how often have your brought ideas to people and they helped you find a way forward? How did that feel? Even if the way forward wasn’t the same idea I initially discussed, the fact that someone was helping me find a path forward boosted my engagement. It also made me willing to come back to that person, because I knew they would be a help vs. a wall to run into.

The challenge: As a leader how can you help people find a way forward vs. a wall that will stop them?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Reward Systems, Scoring Points, and Knowing Where You Are (3-25-20)

Last week was about Alice, the science fair, and teaching people to do things on their own. This week is about reward systems, scoring points, and knowing where you are.

Back in 2019 my wife and I came up with a reward system based on the Harry Potter House Cup system where the students earn points for good behavior and lose points for bad behavior. We decided to create our own House Cup, and we are each represented by the house the Pottermore Sorting Hat put us in: Gryffindor (Violet), Ravenclaw (Alice), Slytherin (my wife) and Hufflepuff (myself). After sorting ourselves into houses, we worked with the kids to identify things they could do to earn points. For example, doing chores without complaining could earn them 2 points. Going all day without getting a timeout could earn them 10 points. We also worked with them to create a list of rewards they would get for earning so many points. 50 points would earn an extra book at bedtime. 1700 points resulted in no chores for a week. This system has continued to work well with my girls. I believe part of the reason why it works so well is because it is incredibly clear. They know exactly how to earn points and where they stand in relation to the next goal/prize. As a result of this, they are inspired and motivated to exhibit the right behaviors, which is a win for everyone in the house, especially my wife and myself.

How does this connect to work? Have you ever been in a situation where you didn’t know what it took to win or where you didn’t know how you were tracking toward a goal? How did you feel in those situations? I’ve been in those situations, and it didn’t feel good. I often felt disengaged, because I had no idea if I was doing the right things or making progress. Sometimes this was a project where I didn’t know what I was shooting for. Other times it is how I’ve felt about my career, not knowing what it takes and where I stand in regards to expectations and how to get to where I want to go.

This lack of clarity exists for multiple reasons. Maybe, what good looks like is not well defined. Maybe, different people have various views on what good looks like, which creates inconsistent goals. Maybe, you do not have the ability to know and/or receive feedback to tell you where you are in the grand scheme of things. No matter the cause, this lack of clarity can be incredibly disengaging when you don’t know where you stand and what is required to move forward.

The challenge: As leaders how can we bring clarity to the behaviors that are required to win? As leaders how do we ensure that individuals know where they stand in relation to their goals?

If I’m being entirely honest, now is one of those times when it is hard to know what “winning” looks like. I’m trying to give myself and others grace as we all work together to figure this out.

What does it look like to be a “good” husband/dad/friend/co-worker right now?
What does “good” movement on projects look like with everything going on?
What does “good” look like when it comes to maintaining the team’s culture and vibe?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Violet, Meltdowns, and Changing her Environment (3-11-20)

Last week was about Alice and how she needed to be held. This week is about Violet, meltdowns, and shaping the environment in order to drive behavior.

Violet was over tired around Christmas time and desperately needed a nap after traveling to the in-laws and being overstimulated. She refused, eventually throwing a fit and losing control over her emotions. I knew that if I could just get her to slow down she’d fall asleep, take a nap, and be better when she woke up. I decided to change my tactics. I got her in the van to take a drive. I tried to get her to snuggle with a blanket because I knew that would get her to fall asleep, but she refused. I knew arguing with her would just escalate the entire situation. Instead of arguing, I turned on the air conditioning full blast in the middle of December. She eventually got cold, which led her to wrap herself up in a blanket. Once she put on the blanket, she was asleep in two minutes. When she woke up, she was good to go, and had great behavior for the rest of the day. #dadgenius

What does this have to do with anything? In the above story, I knew that I wanted Violet to take a nap to help with her behavior. I also knew that if I set up the right environment, then it would increase her chances of taking a nap. By setting up the right environment around her (making it cold), I drove her to snuggle up with a blanket and fall asleep. In a similar way, as leaders we “control the thermostat” and shape the environment people operate in, which drives the behavior for the team. Think about the teams you’ve been on. What were the different environments like and how did they impact you? I’ve been on teams with an array of different environments. Some environments drove trust and vulnerability. Some drove teamwork and high performance. Some drove competition and mistrust between teammates. Some drove efficiency, while others drove frantic work. In all of these cases, the environment created by the leader and the other folks on the team shaped how people behaved. Environments are not created by accident. Creating the right environment requires being intentional about what you’re trying to accomplish.

The challenge: As a leader, what behaviors are you trying to drive? Are you creating an environment that will drive those behaviors? HOW are you creating that environment?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 8 Learning to Ride a Bike and Cheering Others On (7-10-19)

I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday. In my last entry I mentioned we were going to be done with lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. However, something neat happened over the holiday week, so I have one more story about my daughters. This is about bike riding and cheering others on.

A few weeks ago I shared a story about how my daughter Alice (7) faced her fears and learned how to ride her bike. This was a big deal for her. She had to work hard, and it took hours of her trying and facing her fears before she was able to ride without training wheels. Last week, Violet (5) learned how to ride her bike without training wheels. Violet is more physically gifted than Alice. It probably took about 10 minutes for Violet to get the hang of it. Now, Violet can ride her bike without training wheels and is faster than Alice could ever hope to be. (#ridingabikewhilewearinganinjaturtlehelmetlikeaboss)

We had been praising Alice for riding her bike for 2 weeks. We’d talked about how awesome it was and how proud of her we were. Then, all of a sudden Violet comes through and learns how to do the same thing in a matter of minutes. I assumed Alice was going to be upset when Violet learned how to ride. I assumed Alice was going to be jealous of how easy it came to Violet. I assumed Alice would be irritated that Violet is better than her at something, especially because Violet is 2 years younger. I was wrong. Instead of being upset, Alice encouraged and congratulated Violet. Alice was so excited for her sister, and didn’t care about any of those things I thought she might be concerned about.

What does this have to do with anything? Take the bike riding example above, and imagine yourself as Alice and the other people you know as Violet. How would you react toward “Violet” when they got “the promotion”, “the great opportunity”, “perfected a new skill”, or “got a new job” either before you or faster than you ever did? I don’t know about you, but I’m not always as gracious and encouraging as Alice is. Sometimes I get jealous. Sometimes I see other people get things and my first thought is, “Why not me? Aren’t I as good as them? I’m the one who deserves that.”

What Alice understood is that Violet learning how to ride a bike has nothing to do with Alice learning how to ride a bike. Just because Violet learned how to ride a bike easier and at a younger age, it doesn’t take away the fact that Alice overcame a fear. Also, Alice also knows there are areas in life where things come easier to her than they do with Violet. Because Alice knows these things, she is able to cheer on her sister instead of being consumed by jealousy and bitterness.

The challenge: Will you cheer on or grow jealous of others?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 7 Parenting, Vacations, and Expectations (6-26-19)

I’m back after a relaxing week of vacation. I hope you’re all doing well. This is the final entry in this series about lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. This week is about kids, vacations, and expectations. Special shout out to Tara Walton for the inspiration.

I recently returned from a week long vacation with my family and my wife’s family. This is a trip we take every year, and we always have a blast. I can still remember the first time we ever went on vacation with the kids. Before that, vacation had always just been my wife and myself. No responsibilities. No cares. No real plans. It was super easy to go with the flow. When we had kids, that all changed. We have a lot of fun on vacation, but it’s a heck of a lot different than it was just my wife and myself. Not only do we eat at different restaurants and do different activities, but vacations with the family add a whole additional level of responsibilities. Now, I have to get myself ready and focus on my well-being, while also taking care of two other crazy small humans ready as well. It’s still fun, just different. Can you relate?

You might wonder where this is going. A few weeks ago I was talking to my boss, Tara, about a situation I was facing at work. I explained that I was frustrated, because I thought the situation was going to be X and it turned out to be Y. The difference between X and Y was causing irritation on my end. Have you ever had that happen at work? After I explained the situation to her she jokingly said, “Sounds like you had the wrong expectations. It’s like going on vacation. A vacation with the family is a lot of fun, but it’s a lot different than just you and your wife. If you thought the vacation with your family would be the same as a vacation with you and your wife, you’d be disappointed.” (#inspirationforthisblog)

After she made the joke, she said something like, “So what are you going to do? Sounds like you went into it thinking it was one thing and you found out it wasn’t. You can either continue being disappointed or you can change your expectations and how you’ll respond moving forward.” From there we talked about how this situation is never going to be X, so I need to let that go. I need to embrace that the situation is Y. Y isn’t bad. Y is different. I needed to change my perspective and behaviors accordingly to make Y work. That’s my choice. It’s your choice too. We all have the ability to reexamine our expectations and adjust accordingly.

The challenge: Are you setting the right expectations for yourself in any given situation? How do you adapt when things don’t meet your expectations?

Side note: I’ll be out next week for the 4^th of July holiday, so you won’t hear from me.

Have a jolly good day and enjoy the 4^th!

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 6 Kids are Contagious (6-12-19)

Last week was about bike riding and being brave. This week we are going to talk about kids as petri dishes and being contagious.

I am sooooooo thankful that summer is here. As a parent to two young girls, Alice (7) and Violet (5), I feel that during the winter months kids are essentially walking petri dishes. As soon as winter comes my entire family is in a constant state of being sick. My children have an uncanny ability to capture and share germs with anyone and everyone within a 50 mile radius. Alice will catch something and pass it around, and then Violet will catch something new and pass it around. Meanwhile, we are cooped up in the house, tired, feeling crummy, and irritated with each other. Dealing with sick kids during the winters is one of the sucky parts of parenting. It’s a bit of an unavoidable part of life. Kids are just more susceptible to things, and I swear all kids are contagious. If you understand what I’m saying, can I get an amen? (See the picture. You probably see a girl enjoying herself. I see that too, but I also see someone gathering germs to bring home😉)

You might be wondering how this connects with work. When I talked about my kids I talked about them being contagious with regards to physical illness. I also believe that emotions and attitudes are contagious. They are powerful like a virus, spreading fast, infiltrating every nook and cranny of a team or a culture.

Have you ever witnessed this on a team you’ve been on? Maybe you’ve worked with someone whose positive attitude always managed to inspire hope in any situation. I know I have. There are people that I love bumping into because, I know that merely seeing them and chatting with them for a few seconds will fill me with energy, laughter, sunshine, wisdom, and so much more. These are the people I try to spend most of my time with. Maybe you’ve been on the team with the person who was always so negative that it seemed to spread and taint everything. All it took was one person spreading those negative germs to turn the culture into something that is toxic, causing countless hours of swirl and frustration. I’ve been in this situation too, trying to quarantine that person and their vibes away from everything. If emotions are contagious, we are the carriers. Unlike being stuck with a disease, we can choose our outlook. We can choose our attitude. We can choose to be a virus for good.

The challenge: You’re contagious. What kind of vibes are you spreading?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 4 Small, Medium, or Big Deal (5-29-19)

This week we will build on what matters and perspective by looking at my very advanced scientifically based parenting classification system of small deal, medium deal, and big deal. I was in the kitchen eating my breakfast when Alice started yelling. I asked her, “What is going on?” She explained to me that she had lost her bracelet toy thing. I then looked at her and said, “Is that a small deal, a medium deal, or a big deal?” She replied that it was a small deal, so my next question was, “When are we allowed to freak out?” She replied, “When it’s a big deal.” Finally, I said, “So should you be freaking out now? Take a breath and go solve your problem.” She looked in her room and found the bracelet 10 seconds later.

This classifying of small, medium, or big is a common thing at my house. Small deals are minor annoyances that shouldn’t even phase you. Big deals are when someone is badly hurt or likely to get badly hurt. Big deals usually require a grown-up to help resolve. Everything else is a medium deal, which can often be frustrating, but can be resolved without freaking out. I’ve been a parent for 7 years and only encountered a handful of big deal moments.

I see two connections to work. First, reflect on some of the stressful situations you’ve faced at work. Now ask yourself, “Was that situation that caused you stress a small deal, a medium deal, or a big deal?” I don’t know about you, but I very rarely have ever had to deal with a big deal moment at work. Most of the time I deal with small deals or medium deals, and it just so happens that they get blown up to be more than they really are. Sometimes, it’s the organization that blows them up. Sometimes, it’s a leader. Sometimes, it’s all on me, getting caught up in the frenzy and losing perspective.

The other connection is that as a dad, I’m one of the co-leaders of the household. As the leader, it is my job to deescalate things, and help my daughters see that the thing they are freaking out about is really a medium deal and everything will be fine. As a leader, you have tremendous power and responsibility. If you allow and/or enable small and medium deals to become big deals, you create unnecessary stress and pain for everyone else you work with. If you are able to help people keep things in perspective, you give your team the ability to focus on the things that truly matter.

The challenge: Are you taking the time to pause and decide if it is a small, medium, or big deal? Are you setting the tone of what is a small, medium, or big deal with your teams?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 3 Relationships and Moments Make our Lives (5-22-19)

Last week was about looking at things differently. This week is about dropping Violet off at school and the power of relationships and moments.

Let me set the scene. It had been a tough couple of weeks at work. My mind was lost in stress and exhaustion. I was thinking about all of the calls and meetings I needed to be on, all the places I needed to be, all the cats I needed to herd, all the things I needed to accomplish, and all the challenges ahead.

That morning I took Violet to school. I walked her to her room, my brain living in stress, continually thinking about how far behind and out of it I felt. I gave Violet a big hug, dropped her off, and then started walking down the hall to the parking lot. All of a sudden I hear sprinting feet and Violet yelling, “Daddy! Daddy!” I stopped and turned around to see her sprinting toward me. I asked her what was going on. She gets to me and says, “I forgot to give you a big kiss!” I scoop her up and she gives me a few big kisses, squeezes me as tight as she can, says, “We’re good now. Love you,” and then she jumps down and runs to her class. I watch her run, all of the stress and everything melts away, and I find myself feeling lighter. There I was lost in stress, and in one quick second all that was gone as her joy and love washed over me in that moment. (Maybe I teared up a bit when this happened, because I know I won’t get moments like that forever.)

You might be wondering where this is going. It’s easy to get lost in the stress of work, where everything feels important and daunting. It’s easy to think that your life is work and the projects that you do, but it’s not. It’s easy to get lost in what feels like a never ending cycle of stress and anxiety. Our lives are so much more than what we get lost in during stressful days. Our lives are so much more than the day to day grind and minutiae.

My life is lived in the relationships I have with my family and friends and the moments we have together. My life is a 5 year old sprinting to give me a kiss in the hallway, laughing with my wife, a water balloon fight that turns into a block party, snuggles at bedtime, reading a book in a hammock, having good beer with friends, spontaneous dance parties, joking with colleagues, celebrating firsts and big accomplishments, seeing growth, etc. What kind of relationships and moments make up your life?

The challenge: Don’t lose sight that your life is more than work. Your life is relationships and moments.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 2 Laundry Baskets, Snowball Fights, and Looking at Things Differently (5-15-19)

Last week was about Into the Spider-verse and fighting biases. This week is about laundry baskets, “snowball” fights, and looking at things differently.

Over Christmas break in 2018 we started a new family tradition. There was no snow and nothing to do outside, so we decided to play indoor capture the flag where we used socks as snowballs. We set up forts throughout the house and then brought down laundry baskets filled with socks to throw at each other. It was me and my wife vs. our daughters and their friend. The rules are simple. First team to get all three flags into their fort wins. If you get hit with a “snowball” you have to drop the flag and you can’t pick it up.

There we are in the midst of an intense battle when I see this thing whiz by me in the kitchen. I look up and realize that Violet has taken the laundry basket that was holding the snowballs and put it over her body as a moveable shield. Complete genius! My wife and I can’t hit her, because she’s ducked low and covered like a turtle. She leads her team to a victory. The interesting thing is that we had played several rounds and every round the laundry basket was the thing that held the snowballs. We never thought it could have any other use or purpose. However, Violet saw something else. She realized that by rethinking what the laundry basket was, she could use it in a new way to win.

You might be wondering what this has to do with anything. As a 5 year old with a feral imagination, Violet has taught us how to look at things differently. She consistently challenges us to reassess our assumptions. She has taught me that those things that I think are for recycling are actually parts to make a robot rocket dinosaur transformer who is programmed to save the universe. She has taught me that jump ropes are jump ropes and lassos and pulley systems to help her raise and lower stuffed animals over the balcony.

Now think about work for a moment. How often at work do we find ourselves looking at the same thing the same way over and over and over again? How often do we have a project or a process that we take at face value, just because that is the way it is presented to us? What we often fail to realize is that when presented with something (or someone) we have a choice. We can accept them at face value or we can look at them from different perspectives to find value we never knew existed.

The challenge: How will you reexamine things and people to find something new?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry