Tag: therapy

Therapy and Investing Effort (9-25-24)

This will be my last in the series about lessons I’ve learned from therapy.  We started with asking for help, analyzed root causes, and explored thought traps and radical acceptance.  We will end by reflecting on therapy and investing effort.

As I mentioned in the first blog, I leveraged our Lyra services for therapy.  Going through this experience consisted of a few different things like live sessions, assessments, articles to read, and online videos to watch.  We were a few weeks in, and I was telling my therapist that I appreciated the different resources.  She shared that she was concerned she was assigning me too much, because she recognized that I was busy in life.  I thanked her for her consideration and told her that she was not overburdening me.  I explained that I wanted the materials, because I knew how important it was to invest in my mental health.  I came to her, because life was kicking my butt, so my number one goal was to work through that.  As a result, I was committed to investing in my mental health, and I made the necessary trade-offs to do this.

How does this connect to anything?  So much of life is about putting in effort to grow.  The challenge is that there are so many domains in life we could invest int.  We can put in effort for our physical health, mental health, relationships, parenting, careers, etc.  This can be overwhelming, especially if we allow ourselves to fall in the trap of thinking that we need to master and max out all of those domains.  Instead, we need embrace that everything can’t get equal focus all the time, AND THAT’S OKAY.  For me, in that period of my life, I over indexed on my mental health, because I needed that.  I did the extra work in that space and deprioritized other things.  As my life moves from season to season, I know I’ll continue to evolve where I put the work in and how I invest my effort. 

The challenge: Where will you invest your effort?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Therapy and Radical Acceptance (9-18-24)

Last week was about therapy and thought traps.  This week we are diving into the powerful idea of radical acceptance.  I consider this to be my favorite therapy tool and mindset shift.  This email is a bit longer, because I wanted to dig a little deeper into the concepts and I’m throwing in a couple examples.

During one of my therapy sessions I was talking about my problems and saying things like, “I keep running into X, and it sucks.  It SHOULD be going like this.  And I’m facing Y situation.  It SHOULD NOT be going like that.  It SHOULD be happening like this.”  Have you ever been overwhelmed by the thought of how things should be vs how they are?  After listening to me, my therapist hit me hard like a punch straight to the gut with an insight that cut to the core of my problem.  She said something along the lines of, “You are making yourself suffer twice.  You’re suffering the first time because the challenge you are facing is hard.  That’s true.  It is hard.  You are making yourself suffer a second time, because you are refusing to accept reality for what it is.  Instead of embracing reality you keep saying this SHOULD or SHOULD NOT be happening.  You are creating unrealistic expectations, and that’s causing you even more pain because they can’t be fulfilled.” 

I sat there stunned for a moment, and then my therapist talked to me about the concept of radical acceptance.  Radical acceptance is focused on embracing what IS instead of what should be.  The main idea is learning how to OBJECTIVELY look at a situation to see the real facts, challenges, and constraints.  There is no judgment about whether it’s good or bad.  It’s merely looking at the situation and saying, “This is reality.  This is the challenge I need to contend with.”  I can’t express how important of a mindset shift this was for me.  Once I learned how to practice radical acceptance, I could step back from a situation and be objective.  Once I learned how to embrace radical acceptance, the emotions of a situation no longer had such a hold on me.  Being objective and creating distance helped me analyze what was occurring, so I could see potential solutions and get unstuck. 

What does this have to do with anything?  Whether it’s your personal life or work, it’s easy to get swept up in what SHOULD happen, and to become so focused on this that you end up suffering twice when reality doesn’t meet your expectations.  Instead, we need to practice radical acceptance, embrace reality, and then problem solve.  Below are a couple of real examples from my recent life.  Do either of these sound familiar?

Too much work example– I started by telling myself this, “We have too much work to do.  We SHOULD have more headcount or more resources.  This is crap!  I guess I’ll just have to work zillions of hours.”  Does this ring any bells?  Then I practiced radical acceptance with the team and the conversation turned into this, “The reality of the situation is that we have too much work to do.  We don’t have the resources or people to do it all, and there are no indications that we are going to get more people or resources anytime soon.  The only way we can get it all done is if we work ourselves to death.  I don’t want that for any of us.  Now let’s problem solve.  It won’t be easy, but we need to make choices.  What do we value?  What can we prioritize?  Okay, we value X, so we are going to focus all our efforts on Y and Z and leave everything else alone.  I’ll start emailing folks to tell them we won’t help with their request right now, and/or we will offer them ______ because we are already doing that so they can try that if they want to but we won’t be doing anything special for them.”  The situation didn’t necessarily get easier, but practicing radical acceptance enabled me to problem solve without suffering twice.  Also, it might sound weird to say but practicing radical acceptance also has enabled me to be more zen, even in the midst of a lot of chaos.

Health and fitness example– I have what will likely be my last obstacle course race of the year in about 1.5 weeks.  For the past couple of weeks I’ve been beating myself up.  I’ve been saying things like, “I SHOULD have lifted more.  I SHOULD have done more dead hangs.  I SHOULD have ran more.  I SHOULD have been better with all aspects of my health.  I can’t believe I didn’t do those things.  I suck.  I SHOULD NOT feel like I’m more or less starting over.”  Have you ever beat yourself up over your health and fitness goals?  The reality of the situation is that I’m not happy about this, but it is the situation I’m in.  Due to a wide variety of reasons, I did not train as much as I would have liked, and there is NOTHING I can do to change that.  Rehashing it over and over again does not help.  Practicing radical acceptance led me to realize that I have a limited number of days left to prepare for the race.  I have the opportunity to make the most of those.  Most importantly, the reality is that even if I didn’t train as much as I would have liked, I can still have a lot of fun at the race.  I’m no longer beating myself up, and I feel so much better.

The challenge: How will you practice radical acceptance to embrace reality for what it is?

Resources- Here are a few videos I watched about radical acceptance.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Therapy and Thinking Traps (9-11-24)

The previous entry was about therapy and symptoms vs root causes.  This week is about thinking traps (also called cognitive distortions).

Last week I shared that the root cause of my problems is that I got trapped in a mindset of, “This sucks.  I’m stuck and powerless.”  As I explored this belief with my therapist, she introduced me to the idea of thinking traps, which are patterns of negative thinking that distort our perception of reality.  The way you bust out of the thinking trap is by asking what the facts are and challenging your beliefs about a situation until you find the truth.  This truth empowers you to act. 

My belief that “This sucks.  I’m stuck and powerless” was a combination of two thinking traps, black/white thinking and catastrophizing.  To challenge these traps, my therapist asked me for evidence that supported my claims.  I could prove my challenges were real.  I didn’t have evidence to support I was truly powerless.  For example, my therapist pointed out that if work was a challenge I could get a new role, interview with another company, or at a minimum quit my job.  Those were choices I could make.  That was power I had in this situation.  Once I shattered the illusion of being powerless, I reflected on other times I had been in tough situations, and how I had always found a way to get through them.  Now the evidence was telling me a different story.  I went from “This sucks.  I’m stuck and powerless.” to “this sucks, AND I always find a way to get through.”  I was now free from the thinking trap.  Does any of this ring true for you?

There are many applications for thinking traps.  Beyond using this tool to deal with stress at work or at home, we can also use this tool to solve work problems.  We can pressure test our thinking to make sure we didn’t get stuck in a thinking trap.  Work thinking traps often sound like, “Well, this is the way it MUST be done” or “This is the only decision that can be made” or “If we do X it will definitely lead a disaster.”  Similar to my situation, we can take those statements and begin breaking them down.  What is the logic that led us to that conclusion?  What is the evidence?  Sometimes, our assertion might be right.  Often, we’ve fooled ourselves into believing something and became trapped by it.

The challenge: How will you recognize the thought traps you get stuck in?

Bonus- Here are some videos about thinking traps

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Therapy, Symptoms, and Root Causes (9-4-24)

Last week was about acknowleding things are heavy.  This week is about therapy, symptoms, and root causes. 

At this point in my therapy process, I’ve listed all the challenges I have going on in life.  From there, we talk about the negative impact this is having on me.  Being honest and vulnerable, I was participating in a lot of numbing/avoidance behaviors.  For me that looks like eating and drinking too much junk, doomscrolling, laying around vs moving my body, and binging on video games.  When I’m mentally healthy, I might partake in those behaviors in moderation and get joy from them.  During this time period, I was doing those things to escape instead of dealing with my issues.

It would have been easy to assume we should start going after those avoidance behaviors with things like, “Try to eat healthier,” but those were just the things on the surface.  We needed to find the root cause.  I had become so overwhelmed by things that I started telling myself a story that sounded like this, “All of this sucks.  It won’t ever get better.  I’m stuck and powerless.”  Have you ever felt this way?  After talking about this, I recognized this was the root of my problem.  I had convinced myself I was stuck and powerless, and that prevented me from dealing with these challenges.  I needed to address this feeling.

What does this have to do with anything?  Whether it’s therapy, marketing, or a business challenge, it’s EASY to see something on the surface and ASSUME that is what you need to solve for.  However, solving the surface level issue is often a temporary fix at best.  You can’t make meaningful progress, until you address the root of the issue.  In my case, the issue wasn’t necessarily that I was demonstrating avoiding behaviors .  The issue is that I started to believe I was stuck and powerless.  Addressing this and learning to let go of this has made all the difference.

The challenge: Will you address symptoms or root causes?

Have a jolly good day,

Therapy and Acknowledging Things are Heavy (8-28-24)

Carrying A Heavy Weight Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images ...Last week was about therapy and being brave enough to ask for help.  Thanks for everyone who reached out with kind words, and I’m proud of everyone who is committed and/or recommitting to therapy and taking care of themselves.  This week is about therapy and acknowledging things are heavy.

After the initial part of our conversation, my therapist asked me to talk more about what was going on.  I started listing everything off.  “I have these 3 things going on with each kid, and there’s no playbook for this.  Everything is on fire at work, AND there are 4 to 5 challenges I’m trying to sift through and navigate.  There are these 3 other things happening in life.  My shoulder is in constant pain.  I haven’t been working out.  I can’t even tell you the last time I slept well.  I feel like crap.  I’m focusing on holding it together, so I can keep stuff moving.” 

After listening to me rattle off all those things, my therapist looks me in the eyes and says, “That’s a lot.”  I immediately discount her comment and in complete seriousness reply, “It’s nothing special.  All that is just another Tuesday.”  She hears me say this.  She hears me discount her original statement.  She looks me in the eyes again and says something like, “It’s a lot.  Even if it’s not one huge event it is still a lot of things to carry, and it’s a lot of weight.  It’s a lot to carry for any human.”

What does this have to do with anything?  This was the beginning of one of my first epiphanies from therapy.  I had been so consumed by just trying to make it day to day that I had lost all perspective.  I had failed to realize that all of these things were adding up.  Has this ever happened to you? 

The moment my therapist acknowledged that I was carrying heavy weight it opened my eyes and shifted how I felt about myself.  I wasn’t weak.  I was carrying a lot of heavy things.  It also reinforced that I’m human, we are all humans, and being overwhelmed at times is just part of the broader human experience.  Have you ever felt overwhelmed like this?

The challenge: Will you appropriately appreciate and recognize the weight you are carrying?  Will you embrace that it’s okay if heavy things feel heavy?  Will you remember that you aren’t weak, sometimes things are heavy?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Therapy and Asking for Help (8-21-24)

Today marks my 600th blog!  It’s wild to think I’ve been doing this for about 12 years.  I appreciate all of you for reading and encouraging me to keep writing.

I mentioned a few months ago that after having a tough time I leveraged our Lyra benefit and reached out to a therapist for the first time.  This series is going to consist of lessons I picked up from that experience.  I’m hoping that it helps normalize therapy, and that maybe a few of the things I learned will be useful to you as well.  We will kick the series off by focusing on asking for help.

I was nervous for my first therapy session.  After a few moments of small talk, my therapist asked, “What brought you to therapy?  Why now?”  I paused for a second.  It was hard to admit I needed help.  I was used to having broad shoulders.  I was used to being able to handle anything thrown in my direction.  Eventually, I responded, “To be honest, life is kicking my a$$ and has been for a little while.  Yes, I’m making it through it, but that isn’t the same as living.  I don’t feel good about where I am or the person I am right now.  I tried a few things on my own and they didn’t work.  I decided I needed to get some help to handle life better.  That’s why I’m here.”

What does this have to do with anything?  It can be difficult to ask for help sometimes.  It can be hard, because you’re worried about others judging you, being less than, or feeling weak for needing help.   I’ve felt all those things.  Have you?  Once we start feeling those things, it’s easy to get stuck feeling those things, which prevents us from asking for the help we need.

Instead of focusing on the discomfort surrounding asking for help, I focused on the pain I was experiencing without the help.  Once I acknowledged and embraced that life was kicking by butt and how that was having a negative impact on all aspects of my life, I realized the pain of living with that far outweighed any discomfort from asking for help.  The next time you’re hesitant about asking for help for anything, ask yourself if you’d rather face the short discomfort of asking for help or if you’d rather be stuck feeling the current pain you are experiencing.

The challenge: Will you be willing to ask for help?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lies of P, Poison Levels, and Stress (3-20-24)

Last week was about blaming the controller vs taking accountability.  This week is about Lies of P, poison levels, and stress.

My kids were watching me play, and they noticed that I started losing health.  They were confused, and they asked me why I was losing health even when the monsters weren’t hitting me.  I explained to them that the area I was in was full of poison (called Corruption in the game).  At first, the poison doesn’t do anything.  It just slowly builds up.  However, once it hits a critical limit, the poison begins damaging my character, and my health quickly fades.  In order to survive, I needed to equip poison resistant armor, use items that reduce poison, and find safe places where there wasn’t poison.

What does this have to do with anything?  Instead of it being a level in a video game, let’s call it work or life.  Instead of it being poison in a video game, let’s call it stress.  Similar to my video game, the stress level builds over time.  At first, I don’t even notice it.  The levels rise over time, and then all of a sudden it hits HARD.  Anyone else been there?  When this happens, I’m no longer the person, husband, dad, friend, and employee I want to be or could be.

We are never going to live in a world without stress.  However, we can try to be more cognizant of stress, our current stress levels, and what we can do.  Similar to the poison armor, I know I handle stress better when I’m routinely taking care of myself.  Similar to the item that takes poison away, I know that getting outside, moving my body, and talking with someone helps clear stress out of my system.  Similar to needing to find a poison free space in the game, sometimes I know that I just need to step back and away from everything. 

The challenge: How will you recognize and deal with rising stress levels?

Bonus vulnerability moment- The short version is that the last few months have been hard in many aspects of life.  Using our analogy, my poison/stress meter had been overflowing for some time, and I wasn’t who I wanted to be.  I decided to leverage our Lyra benefit and talk to a therapist for the first time.  During our initial conversation I said, “I’m surviving right now, but I want more than that.  I deserve more than that.  My family does too.  I need tools or something to help me.”  It’s only been a couple of sessions so far, but I’m so thankful I reached out.  I share all of this to say that if you’re talking to someone, you’re not alone AND I’m proud of you for asking for help.  If you’re thinking of talking to someone, you’re not alone, AND I’m proud of you for recognizing that you might benefit from help.  It’s okay to want/need help sometimes.  It’s part of being human. 

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry