Self-Doubt and Being an Unreliable Narrator (4-16-25)

This week I’m going to kick off a series inspired by different storytelling mechanics. This entry is about self-doubt and being an unreliable narrator.

An unreliable narrator is a storyteller whose account of events can’t be fully trusted. They might be lying on purpose or they might unintentionally have things wrong. The Sixth Sense is a great example of having an unreliable narrator. The story is told from the perspective of Malcom, a child psychologist, played by Bruce Willis. Throughout the movie we see the world unfold through his eyes, and assume the events are true. Then the twist is revealed. Malcom had been dead the entire time and had not known it. As all the pieces start connecting you begin to realize that the events we saw from Malcom’s eyes weren’t the real ones.

You’re probably wondering how this connects to anything. What if we can be an unreliable narrator sometimes like Malcom? What if we allow our self-doubt, skepticism, or other things to infiltrate our minds and distort our perception of the reality around us? Has this ever happened to you? Sometimes, we need some perspective from the outside or another person to nudge us to ensure we have an accurate view on reality.

Let me share a recent personal story with you. My new boss started a couple of months ago. We were having a pretty good heart to heart during a 1 on 1. At the time, self-doubt was shaping my narrative, and I shared something along the lines of, “I feel like I’m just moving soooo slow right now. It’s like I’m not being effective.” My boss looks at me and says something like, “I don’t feel that way or see that being true.” This jolt was similar to the twist in the Sixth Sense, where all of the pieces started to fit together in a different and more true way. This comment made me realize that I might have been an unreliable narrator. Maybe, my perception of what was going on was not actually reality. Maybe, my perception had been distorted by self-doubt. Fast forward from two months ago to yesterday when I had my first performance check-in for the year. Now, I had a better grasp on reality due to a more balanced self-reflection and by listening to the feedback and encouragement from others. Instead of being burdened by self-doubt, I went into that conversation confident. I was able to sit down and tell a story like, “I’m so proud and so excited about everything I’ve delivered so far, AND I also know I’d like to grow in A, B, C areas.” It was a total shift from just a couple of months prior.

The challenge- How will you ensure that self-doubt doesn’t turn you into an unreliable narrator?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Impostor Syndrome and Unrealistic Expectations (10-16-24)

Last week was about being an impostor vs making mistakes. This week is about impostor syndrome and unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves.

In my current role, I’m focused on leading innovation for market research. This includes spearheading AI efforts. As I lead those efforts, Impostor Syndrome whispers to me constantly. It says things like, “Andrew, you aren’t fit for this role. You don’t know anything. You can’t name all the different AI technologies out there. You don’t understand how each AI engine tokenizes data differently. You can’t even vectorize a database. If you can’t do those things, how can you lead any AI efforts?” Not gonna lie. Those whispers are strong and make me doubt myself and question my value in a big way.

Here’s the thing. If I zoom out and look at the evidence, no one is expecting me to be able to do those things. Those are unrealistic expectations I’m putting on myself. What do they expect of me? They expect me to be able to understand the needs of the business and our market research community. They expect me to be able to translate those needs into a vision that reshapes our futures. They expect me to connect with internal teammates and external partners to find the AI experts who know how to vectorize databases and can build AI solutions. Sorting through complexity to find needs, translating needs into a vision, partnering with people, and letting my imagination run wild are all things that are MY JAM! I can do those things well, and while I’m not anywhere close to done I’m proud of what I’ve helped make happen in the AI space with the incredible teams I work with.

Let’s connect some dots. Does my story sound familiar to you? Have you ever felt listened to the whispers of Impostor Syndrome? Have you ever been tricked into listening to unrealistic expectations? If so, welcome to the club 😉 This happens to me way more than I’d like.

The solution is always taking a step back to look at the evidence. Are those expectations that Impostor Syndrome keeps whispering to you real? Probably not. Is anyone else holding you to those same expectations? Probably not. If those are false expectations, what are the real expectations? How do your experiences and skillsets stack up to those? I bet you are so much more competent and better than you initially believed.

The challenge: Will you be willing to challenge the expectations Impostor Syndrome whispers to you?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Being New and Engaging with Self-Doubt (9-13-23)

Last week was about being new and embracing humility. This week is about being new, engaging with self-doubt, and asking for evidence. By the way, the idea of asking for evidence comes from The Inside Job Podcast.

Whenever I’ve started a new role, Self-Doubt has crept in whispering that I don’t belong there, telling me I’m not good enough, etc. #impostorsyndrome Has this happened to you? When this happened to me the first few times in my career, the Self-Doubt was so strong it was paralyzing. As I grew older, I’ve tried different approaches to managing Self-Doubt. I tried to ignore it, and that would lead to it getting louder and louder. I tried combatting with anger and a “Forget you!” attitude, and that didn’t exactly seem to work either. Now, I engage with my Self-Doubt like I would talk to anyone else making claims.

Here is how that conversation goes. Self-Doubt says, “You aren’t going to be good at this new job.” I respond and say, “Show me your evidence. Here’s what I have to support that I will be successful. First, I was given this opportunity, and my boss wouldn’t have given it to me if they thought I would suck. My new boss told me they hired me for X and Y reasons, and I’ve delivered those in every role I’ve been in. I have a track record of being successful. None of this means I’m the best person on the planet. All these things would suggest that I have a good chance of success. What is your evidence to the contrary?” It’s weird how Self-Doubt quiets down after that conversation. It’s weird how Self-Doubt starts to be more honest after that conversation. Self-Doubt moves from “All of you is horrible” to “There are some specific tasks and challenges that you might not be ready for yet.” This truth is helpful, because then I can use that Self-Doubt as something to learn from. I can use it to identify potential blind spots and then create a plan to address them.

What does this have to do with anything? Self-Doubt can be deafening. It finds one little crack and then spreads like poisonous gas, affecting everything in its area. While this is true, we don’t have to let it. We don’t have to ignore Self-Doubt. We don’t have to attack it in anger. We can challenge that Self-Doubt, the exact same way we would challenge anyone else making a claim. We would ask them for the evidence and rationale to back it up, and we would supply our own to support our position. The challenge- How will you engage with Self-Doubt?

Bonus: Speaking of self-doubt, I recently achieved a major goal of mine. I completed a marathon length obstacle course race (26.2 miles and over 100 obstacles). Self-Doubt tried to creep in on this too. Here is how my conversation went. “Dude, if you’re telling me to doubt myself, because I’m not going to win. You’re right. I’m not going to win. That’s not the goal. I just want to finish. Where is your evidence I won’t finish? Here’s what I have saying I will. I’ve completed 2 marathons (one in rain and one in cold), been training for this race for months, and finished obstacle courses in an Arizona desert, snow in Wisconsin, and 13+ miles of running up hills at a ski resort. My legs feel strong, I have plenty of fuel, and you couldn’t ask for better weather today. If I can do all of those things and the current circumstances are in my favor, it’s just a matter of time at this point until I cross the finish line.” Self-Doubt stayed quiet.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Struggles and the Stories We Tell Ourselves (10-20-21)

This is going to be the last in the series of things I’ve struggled with over the past year. We’ve looked at struggling with self-doubt, leading through change, wondering if we are enough, and grappling with our value. This week we will look at the golden thread that connects all of these, and that’s the power of the stories we tell ourselves. Let’s look at this through the lens of kicking field goals.

Bob the kicker misses a 30 yard field goal. After he misses he tells himself, “It’s okay. It’s one miss. It’s one mistake. I own that. I also know I am more than capable of hitting the next one.” Steve the kicker misses a 30 yard field goal. After he misses he tells himself, “I can’t believe I missed that! It’s all my fault. I’m horrible. I’m not sure I belong here on this field.” Both kickers committed the same action. The only difference is that they are telling themselves radically different stories. Out of the two, who do you think will bounce back and hit the next kick?

You probably see where this is going. Think about yourself for a minute. Think about this series. So often, the struggles we face aren’t just because of the circumstances. The struggles also come with the negative stories we tell ourselves. Throughout these series I’ve said, “I don’t know if I’m good enough. I don’t know if I’m capable to lead through this. I don’t think I’m enough. I’m not sure I’m valuable.” In these situations this negative story quickly became a downward spiral making tough situations even worse. Does this ever happen to you?

In order to productively grapple with these struggles I had to recognize that I couldn’t always change the situation, but I could change my perspective. The peace I found in these struggles came when I told myself the other side of the story, and that sounded like, “This is hard and I’m doing the very best I can. I can’t guarantee sunshine and rainbows, but I can reinforce how strong my people are and that strength will get them through. I am more than enough. I am valuable, even if I do face failure or rejection.” When I told myself those stories rooted in facts and truth, I was able to move forward.

The Challenge- Are you mindful of the stories you tell yourself? Are you aware of how those stories impact you?

Bonus insight- This series was supposed to be about some of the PERSONAL struggles I’ve had over the past year. What has been amazing is that each week a wide variety of have responded and said, “Yep, this one is me right now. I’m struggling with that too.” I share this as a reminder that often the things we think are personal are more universal than we realize. After all, we are all humans.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Self-Doubt, Being a Good Dad, and Leadership (9-22-21)

I’d like to kick-off a series about things I’ve struggled with over the past year. I have two hopes with this series. First, if you have struggled with any of the things I discuss, I want you to know you’re not alone. Second, I want to share some of the insights that helped me move forward. Buckle up, bringing the vulnerability and all the feels. 😉 We’ll start this series by exploring my self-doubt about being a good dad and how that connects to being a leader.

I don’t know about you, but this has been another challenging year ranging from COVID to other things. I’ve spent a lot of time questioning and worrying about whether or not I’m making the right decisions as a dad. Am I doing the right things to keep us safe? Are my decisions the right ones for my family? I’m not sure how to handle what they are going though, so how do I proceed? Am I managing my stress well enough? Am I allowing my issues to have a negative impact on my family? How do I lead us through all of these difficult things to navigate? I’m doing the best I can. Is that enough? I don’t know if I’m good enough. Have any of you experienced something like this over the last year? Even if you aren’t a parent, there’s a good chance you’ve had some of these feelings and asked some of these questions.

You might be wondering where this is going. I’ve said before that being a parent is basically the same thing as being a leader. Over the past year I’ve come to recognize and appreciate that often in parenting and leadership situations there is NOT a clear right answer. Parenting/leading is hard. There is no easy way to navigate the complexities of our situations. I’ve come to realize that we are called, as leaders or parents, to use the data to make the best decision possible, evaluate that decision, and alter course as needed. As we do this, we need to recognize there is a fine line between questioning ourselves to learn from the decisions and questioning ourselves in a way to generate self-doubt and anxiety. Last but not least, if you are a leader and you find yourself asking questions about how well you are doing and if you’re appropriately taking care of the people around you, it means you care. It means you’re trying. So let’s give ourselves and each other a little grace as we all try to do what is right.

The challenge: How will you productively wrestle with how you are leading through these times of change?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Running and being Worthy (8-14-19)

Last week was about adjusting your training for new goals. This week is about accepting that you are worthy.

After I finished my first marathon a friend sent me a message that said, “You can’t say you’re not a runner now.” (#lovedoublenegatives) This made me laugh, but it also hit me in a powerful way. I’ve been running for years, but for the longest time I never claimed to be a runner, because I had decided that all runners were graceful elks effortlessly bounding on their runs. I didn’t fit that mold, so I wasn’t a runner. At my core, I refused to call myself a runner, because I felt I wasn’t worthy. With that in my mind my friend’s comments basically said, “Only runners do what you just did. If that doesn’t make you a runner, nothing will. You are worthy of being called a runner.” My friend was right.

What does this have to do with anything? I kept shrugging off the title of “runner” because I didn’t feel worthy. I sometimes do that with compliments and kind words, even if they are objectively true, because deep down I don’t know if I’m worthy of the praise. Do you do anything similar? Embry poetry example. If you’d look at the evidence (won slam competitions, participated in nationals, received standing ovations and countless positive comments, continue to get asked to perform) objectively you’d say that I must be a pretty good poet. Still, for the longest time when people gave me compliments, I would shrug it off and say things like, “Thanks. I don’t know if I’m a good poet. I think I’m just a good performer.” I did this because the visual in my head of what a good poet is was something unattainable. I didn’t feel I was worthy of being called a good poet.

This happens at work too.Throughout my career I’ve had people say, “Bob, Susie, and Joe all believe you are really good at X, so they sent me to get your perspective on X.” Objectively speaking, that means multiple people thought I was good at something, which means at least to them my opinions had real value. I’d often respond with, “Oh thanks. I don’t know about that. I don’t know if I’m really all that good of a X or good at Y…” It’s another case of not feeling worthy enough to accept the compliment, accept who/what I am, and accept that others see me as worthy. Over time I learned that I am in fact worthy, and could accept the kind words.

The fact is that we are all more worthy than we ever can readily admit, and we just need to be willing to embrace this fact. In case no one has told you lately… If you influence people, bring out the best in them, engage their hearts and minds, and achieve results that wouldn’t be possible without you, then you are worthy of being called a leader. If your children know that you love them, and you invest your time and energy into helping them grow, you are worthy of being called a good mom/dad. (<-Parents, read this one twice.) If you are a person, you are worthy of love, kindness, and compassion.

The challenge: Will you accept that you are worthy?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Haunted by Ghosts (10-17-18)

With Halloween just around the corner, I’d like to start a new series about lessons we can learn from spooky things. We’ll begin by reflecting on what we can learn from ghost stories.

At some point in your life you’ve probably watched a scary movie involving ghosts or you’ve heard a scary story involving ghosts and haunted houses. No matter the story, the plots share some similarities. It usually begins when people move into a “normal” looking house, often out in the country. From there, people begin to notice a few odd things. Doors open on their own. Lights flicker. Things seem to move without anyone touching them. Soon, things escalate and become scary. At this point one of the people in the house notices the ghost for the first time and realizes that the place is haunted. From there, people try to uncover why the place is haunted and it’s usually because something terrible has happened there. The ghost is in so much pain that they are then tethered to that house. It is then up to the people to figure out how to get the ghost out of the house. Usually it involves righting the wrong or helping the ghost get through emotional trauma.

What do ghosts and haunted houses have to do with work? Have you ever been haunted by something? I’m guessing you probably haven’t been haunted by a ghost. (If you have been, I’d love to hear the story) You might have been haunted by something else though. If you’re anything like me, you are haunted by different things from time to time. I’ve found myself haunted by self-doubt. I’ve found myself haunted by regret and mistakes. I’ve found myself haunted by the idea I’m not making a unique difference, because other people could do my job and create the same deliverables. Have you ever been haunted by any of those things?

All of those things are scarier to me than any monster from a horror movie. When I’m hit with these things, they take control over me. These things then tether me to a place filled with anger, sadness, irritation, and other negative emotions. Similar to ghost stories, I’ve found that when I’m hit with these things I need to find a way to rid my mind of them. Often it requires me to try to make up for my mistake, gaining a broader perspective on life, or simply realizing that the issue isn’t worth hanging onto.

The challenge: Are you allowing yourself to be haunted? How are you getting rid of those “ghosts”?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Mistakes, Spirals of Doubt, and Perspective (5-2-18)

This blog has always been part diary, part therapy, and part random thoughts. I wanted to share all of those with you in this entry about mistakes, spirals of doubt, and gaining perspective.

I woke up yesterday and sent my normal Wednesday email on a Tuesday out of dumb early morning confusion. It was a simple mistake, sending an email at the wrong time. I’m sure we’ve all done something like that. Later on that morning in a meeting I met a new teammate and called them by the wrong name. It was a simple mistake, something we’ve all probably done at one point in our life.

You’d assume that I’d just shake off two stupid mistakes and move on with my life, but I couldn’t. I have no idea why, but this was the trigger that allowed all the voices of doubt to creep in. It’s like I was able to go from competent person to a complete incompetent hot mess in 3 seconds. Before I knew what was happening I was spending the day analyzing, over analyzing, and revisiting everything I had done wrong or maybe could have done wrong over the past few months. I thought about the meeting two weeks ago when someone asked me a question and I didn’t know the answer off the top of my head and how I had to look up the answer in the meeting and how that just showcases I’m not smart. I thought about the survey I’m building and how I’ve solicited feedback, and how if I was good I should have been able to see the weak points in the survey and corrected them preemptively without needing the feedback. I thought about the market research I’m running and how it wasn’t playing out the way I thought it was, and how that suggested I must not be very good at my job if I can’t predict these things. I became overly concerned with the questions I was being asked and whether or not I was doing good enough answering them. I just couldn’t make things click right. I replayed every mistake I’ve made in the past two months over and over and over again.

You could be wondering where I’m going with this. I’d like to take this in a few directions.

Maybe this whole experience is just something my crazy brain does, but if you’ve ever felt this way know you aren’t alone.
It’s amazing how I gave two small insignificant mistakes I made on a Tuesday morning so much power over how I felt for the rest of the day.
In order to pull out of the tailspin I had to pull my head up and get perspective. In the grand scheme of things, do any of the things I mentioned in the previous paragraph matter? No. People got my blog a day early and still sent cool responses. If anything that’s an early win. I forgot a guy’s name, and he’ll probably forget about that by tomorrow. I didn’t know the answer when I was asked something a couple of weeks ago, and if that’s the biggest screw up I make on the job that would make me the best employee my company has ever seen (In all reality, could I be the best looking employee we have? Maybe. Most talented, probably not). The survey I’m working on requires a lot of great brains, so how arrogant would it be of me to think I’m smarter than an entire team of awesome people? The market research I’m running isn’t playing out to my predictions, and that’s why we do research to actually test a hypothesis. If I was 100% sure I was right, we wouldn’t be doing research.

All in all, two stupid mistakes made on a Tuesday were a good reminder that I’m human and that as a human I can sometimes get way too overworked about insignificant things. It was a lesson in perspective without feeling real pain, so I’ll take it.

The challenge: If you feel yourself falling into the downward spiral of self-doubt, how will you find perspective to reset and move forward?

#Embrymistakes=bonusmessage #SometimesI’mahotmess #Justkeepingitreal

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Hermione, Self-Doubt, and Running out of Magic (2-22-17)

It’s time to go full on nerdtastic. This week we will kick of a series inspired by Harry Potter. Spoiler alert. This series will divulge plots points and secrets. You’ve been warned. This week is about self-doubt and my fear of “running out of magic.”

In the Harry Potter universe, magic does not just stem from natural ability. Instead, the power of your magic comes from your learning and practice. That’s why they send people to Hogwarts to develop their skills. I would argue that Harry Potter is one of the more naturally talented characters, but it is Hermione Granger who is the best wizard in her class. She’s a studious bookworm who has built up quite the knowledge base and who puts a lot of effort into practicing, so whenever everybody’s back is against the wall she’s the one who knows what to do. Obviously, her natural ability, wand, and other magical artifacts have a positive impact on her, but it is the combination of these with her work ethic that always helps her come out on top.

You’re probably wondering what this has to do with doubt. I recently started a new role, and the team has given me a very warm reception. Even with this, self-doubt keeps creeping in. My current self-doubt conversation goes like this, “Andrew, what if you don’t meet their expectations. What if you fail? What if this is the role when you run out of magic?” I’ve been stuck on that last phrase for a few weeks and then all of a sudden one day after I said, “What if this is the role when you run out of magic?” I replied with, “Forget that. I’m going to be like Hermione Granger,” for all the reasons mentioned in the above paragraph.

How does this connect to work? I’m guessing you probably have these self-doubt fueled conversations. If you’re anything like me, when you have these conversations you forget who you are and you conjure up these stories about how the only reason you are where you are is because of luck and because people haven’t figured out you’re an imposter yet. Now don’t get me wrong, luck and other factors definitely play a role in success, much like how a wand plays a role in Hermione’s magic, but at the same time, it’s not all just because of luck. You’ve put the work in. You’ve pulled through in tough situations. That same skill and tenacity that helped you be successful then will help you now. These are the things I have to remind myself of when I’m filled with doubt and am afraid of running out of magic.

The challenge: How will you respond when you are afraid of running out of magic? Remember this when you face self-doubt. You aren’t here by accident. You’ve put the work in. You aren’t a muggle. You are a powerful wizard. Now go cast some spells starting with Accio confidence!

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Growth, Development, and Doubt as a Dowsing rod (8-31-16)

By now fall is just around the corner and school has already started, so it’s a perfect time to kick off a series about a series about learning, growth, and development. This week we’ll look at how to use doubt as a dowsing rod to show us where we can grow.

In case you’re unfamiliar with what a dowsing rod (or divining rod) is it’s a tool that people have used (and some currently use) to find things, usually water. Imagine the old days in the wild west. A person would take their Y shaped branch and walk around the land while the dowsing rod would “point to” where the underground well is. As the person would walk the branch would bend and change directions, guiding the person to the destination. The dowsing rod would show them where to dig, and once they dug deep enough they would find a well. Isn’t that a neat concept? Imagine having a dowsing rod that you could use in life to help guide you to things.

Me, Doubt, and Day 1 of my new role. True story. For those of you who have read this blog for a while, you know that Doubt tends to visit me from time to time, especially when I’m trying something different. It was the first day of my new role and I was having lunch with my new boss. She begins describing my project to me. I was thinking, “This sounds really cool!” Then I started thinking, “This sounds really big. I don’t know how to do the stuff she just described. Can I even do the stuff she needs me to do?” That’s right. I hadn’t even made it through lunch on day one before Doubt started to set in and I started to imagine myself as a failure. Awesome! (rolls eyes at himself)

So you’re probably wondering what Doubt has to do with a dowsing rod. There I was with doubt creeping in when I had a mindset change. What if doubt didn’t have to be paralyzing? What if doubt could guide me somewhere like a dowsing rod? What if doubt was the thing that drove me to a place to find truth? What if doubt was just a way of showing me where I needed to dig deeper to find a well to nourish me and help me grow? Doubt doesn’t have to be scary. Doubt can be a tool that we can use to find something worth finding.

The challenge: Are you allowing doubt to paralyze you or are you using doubt as a dowsing rod to guide you to learning?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry