Parenting- Doing the Right Thing is Exhausting (8-30-23)

This is going to be the last entry about lessons I’ve learned being a dad. This week is about how doing the right thing is exhausting.

The other day my wife and I collapsed on the couch. We were mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. Parenting had beaten us down over the past few weeks. Have any other parents felt like that? Anyway, we looked at each other and started talking about how it would be so much easier things could be. It would be easier to use our authority to control our kids vs give them freedom. It would be easier if we just told our kids to suck it up vs helped them identify and deal with their emotions. It would be easier to tell the kids that the things that bother them don’t matter vs helping them figure out how to work through them. It would be so much easier stop them from ever experiencing pain and rejection vs watching them go through those things. Those things would be easier, and we probably wouldn’t be so tired. All of those things would be easier, but they probably wouldn’t be best for our kids. The hard things are exhausting, and they are worth it. My kids are so much stronger, compassionate, independent, and well-rounded than they have ever been. They have grown so much, and I couldn’t be prouder.

What does this have to do with anything? Doing the right thing is exhausting. The above examples might have been framed as parenting situations, but they likely apply to any relationship you could be in. Think about work for a minute. What are other scenarios we find ourselves in where doing the right thing is exhausting? It’s easier to go along trying to do everything vs taking the time to make tough prioritization decisions. It’s easier to not give tough feedback to someone vs holding them accountable for their performance. It’s easier to get lost in the day to day vs carving out time to be strategic about where you are trying to go. Doing the right thing is hard. If you ever find yourself exhausted after doing the right thing day in and day out, just know that’s okay. Know that’s normal. Doing the right thing is exhausting, AND it’s necessary for growth. When you find yourself tired, take care of yourself, rest up, and continue doing your best to fight the good fight.

The challenge: Will you keep doing the hard thing, even when it’s exhausting?

Bonus- Last week I had the honor of performing poetry at our Level Up DEI conference. The poem is about fitting in vs belonging. Follow this link if you want to check it out. https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:7102454896259469312/

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Defaulting to Compassion (8-9-23)

Last week was about being curious vs judgmental in tough conversations. This week is about not knowing what to do and defaulting to compassion.

The other week I was trying my best to deal with a particularly challenging parenting situation. By the end of the day, I was exhausted and exasperated. I talked to my wife and said, “I’m just lost right now. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how to support and help our kids. There’s no playbook for this. I think we might need to talk to the therapist about this to get some ideas.” My wife responded with something along the lines of, “Yeah, this is really tough and been hard for some time. Maybe the therapist will have some ideas. There’s not exactly a play to follow with specific moves to make. However, there are general guidelines and the first is to always try to act with compassion in the situation. As long as we can keep doing that, we can figure everything else out.”

What does this have to do with anything? I don’t know about you, but sometimes I find myself in situations where I’m not exactly sure how to lead. I’m not exactly sure how to navigate the conversation. I’m not exactly sure what to do. When this happens, it’s easy to freeze, because there is no clear path forward. However, like my wife said, while there may not always be a clear step by step guide to follow, I can always act with compassion. I can always ensure that my next move is to step CLOSER to someone vs create distance. I can always put forth the effort to try to understand and show empathy. We may not always know the best path to take, and acting with compassion will NEVER be a bad choice.

The challenge: How are you acting with compassion in messy and challenging situations?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Tough Conversations and Being Curious vs Judgmental (8-2-23)

Last week was about transforming experiences with a little effort. This week is about tough conversations and being curious vs judgmental.

A few weeks ago, my dad told me that he wanted to talk to me about parenting and my kids. Right now, I’m assuming that a fair amount of you reading this are cringing, because you can see how quickly this can go poorly. Parenting easily can feel extremely personal. I’ve been in those situations where the conversation is just a sneaky way for the person to judge you and tell you everything you’re doing is wrong without understanding your situation. Have you? Those chats don’t particularly feel good. The conversation with my dad wasn’t anything like that. It was a great chat, because the moment we sat down he made it clear that he wanted to understand things from my perspective.

He starts by admitting that he can only see one part of what is going and that he doesn’t have the full story. He also acknowledges that the rules have changed a lot from when he and my mom raised my brother and me. This sets the stage that this is a conversation to learn and not judge. From there we dive in. He shares an observation he has and how he is connecting the dots based on his experience. I respond by saying that I also have seen what he has observed, and I can see how he connects the dots the way he does. Then, I offer some additional context he doesn’t see every day and how that’s shaping the parenting decisions we are making. We keep repeating this pattern as we dive deep. We talk about parenting in a completely different world and entirely different challenges he and my mom didn’t have to encounter. We talk about mental health and navigating how to parent and lead in a family with neurodivergence. I talk about how we are thankful to have therapists to help us navigate situations that I’m not equipped to lead through. We talk about my family’s decision to homeschool, and how we are constantly balancing mental, physical, emotional, and social health with that decision. We talk about the fine balance between showing support and raising resilient kids, especially in a world that may not accept them. I share how I feel I’m over my head sometimes, because there isn’t an obvious playbook to navigate all these situations and sometimes it’s just about making the best trade-offs with the information we have. Throughout all of this, my dad asks follow-up questions to better understand and shares how he had never considered some of the angles before. By the end of everything, I can’t say that my dad fully understands or fully agrees with all my decisions. It would be hard to fully understand without being in the same situation. At the same time, I can say that he has a deeper understanding and that he is not passing judgment. I left the conversation feeling so good that we had it, and blessed I have a dad I can talk about these things with.

What does this have to do with anything? Think about work and life for a minute. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were going to have a conversation to share ideas, when the other person just wanted to pass judgement? Have you ever been that person who passed judgment instead of seeking to understand? I know I’ve been that person. We like to think that we are open minded and non-judgmental, but how true is that? How open are we to learning and considering something different from what we believe? In our story this week, there are so many ways that conversation could have went poorly and ultimately caused harm to our relationship, but it didn’t because my dad approached things from a place of genuine curiosity.

The challenge: Are you TRULY seeking to understand? How open are you to learning and growing?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Creating Space to Be Real (7-19-23)

Last week was about listening to fear AND the Brave voice. This week is about creating spaces where people can be real.

We go to my parents’ house every year for the 4^th of July. We grill out, my mom makes enough food to feed a small army, and then we hang out enjoying yard games, playing Uno, telling stories, and watching fireworks. I can’t remember what got us started, but my mom shared a story about a stupid mistake she had made recently. As she shared it, she laughed at herself and her mistake. We all started laughing along with her. From there, everyone else starts jumping in and sharing mistake stories too. We begin calling ourselves out and each other. We give each other a hard time out of love for the dumb things we’ve done. It’s a great vibe. The energy opens the floodgates for my kids to be their silly selves, and once they got going everyone was rolling on the floor laughing. Later that night as were driving home, Alice (11) said, “I like that at grandma and grandpa’s house that we can all laugh at ourselves. I like that we can be a little crazy. It feels good.” As her dad, I was so glad to hear this, because all I want for my kids is for them to be able to be who they are.

What does this have to do with anything? Alice may not be aware of the concepts of vulnerability, authenticity, or psychological safety, BUT she knows how those things feel. She knows that her grandparents love her unconditionally, and that she can be herself there. She knows she can make mistakes and talk about them, and people won’t judge her or think less of her. She also knows that not all places are like this. She knows that not all places feel like that. There is something special at grandma and grandpa’s house, and it starts with them being comfortable laughing at themselves and talking about their mistakes. It starts with them taking actions to set the stage to create a welcoming environment.

Think about work for a minute. Have you ever been on a team where you could really lean in and be yourself? Have you been on teams where you couldn’t? How different did the two teams feel? What did people do to make you feel like you could be yourself? The challenge: What are you doing to create spaces where people can be vulnerable and be themselves? (Here is my elbow nudge- If you can’t instantly think of the things you’re doing to create these spaces, that’s likely a sign that this is an area where you can improve)

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

The Struggles of Parenting and Developing Parenting/Leadership Skills (5-4-22)

This will be the last in our series about lessons I’ve learned as a dad. This week is about the struggles of parenting and developing parenting/leadership skills.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time talking to my wife, friends, and therapists about the struggles of parenting. If I’m being honest, I’ve never consistently failed at something the way I do with parenting. Parenting is making constant mistakes. Parenting is consistently recognizing that the worldview that I was programmed isn’t always the right one. Parenting is a constant reminder that my current skillsets aren’t quite good enough, and I have SOOOOOOOOO much room to grow. Do any of you parents feel similarly?

When I talk about room to grow, I don’t just mean switching up parenting styles. I mean building parenting competencies and working on the fundamental skills that are required to be a good parent. If I had to oversimplify where I am, I have so much room to grow with regards to demonstrating empathy, understanding, and grace. I invest time in getting better at these things, so I can be a better dad. After all, my family deserves it.

You might be wondering what this has to do with anything. I’ve said before that parenting is the same thing as leadership. Look at the above paragraph and replace the word parenting with leadership.

If I’m being honest, I’ve never consistently failed at something the way I do with leadership. Leadership is making constant mistakes. Leadership is consistently recognizing that the worldview I was programmed with isn’t always the right one. Leadership is a constant reminder that my current skillsets aren’t quite good enough, and I have SOOOOOOOOO much room to grow. Does anyone else feel this way?

Similar to parenting, when it comes to developing as a leader it’s not just about changing the style. It’s about looking at the competencies of leadership and working to develop those. It’s investing time in learning and practicing how to set a clear vision, how to create an environment where people feel like they belong, how to prioritize work, how to make decisions, how to hold others accountable, how to help people develop, and more. Like being a parent, it’s important to invest in getting better, because that is what will bring out the best in your team.

The challenge: Where do you need to grow as a parent/leader? How are you growing as a parent/leader?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Building Human Connection (4-27-22)

A person and person taking a selfie

Description automatically generated with low confidence Happy Wednesday,

Last week was about transparency and age-appropriate truth. This week is about being strong enough to build human connection.

It had been a rough day for Violet. It came to a crescendo when she hit her sister and faced negative consequences. Violet was furious when she got in trouble. She lost all control and started yelling mean things at me. She even told me she hated me. In full honesty, the first thoughts that went through my head were angry ones. There was a huge part of me that just wanted to yell back, but I didn’t. I realized her display of anger wasn’t about me. It was about her. I remembered that in tense moments, often the best thing we can do is take an action that leads to human connection, not separation. Yelling at her would have just shut her down. While she would have been quiet, it wouldn’t have been healthy. Instead of yelling, I looked at her and said, “I know you’re angry, and I also think you’re sad or hurting. I know when I’m sad or hurting I sometimes lash out to try to hurt people to make them feel bad too. You can be mad. I still love you. I’ll give you space and check on you in a few minutes.”

I came back later. Violet had calmed down. I asked if she wanted to talk. She was super sad. She cried because she just had a rough day where nothing went right. She felt like she was in a bit of a funk and didn’t know when it would end. She was really frustrated by everything. She eventually apologized to me. Throughout all of it, I just held her, validated her feelings, and helped her sort through things.

What does this have to do with anything? In life and sometimes at work, we get into tense situations. Tempers flare, words are said, and anger is thrown out into the open. When tensions rise, the natural instinct is to get defensive and to return fire with fire. What’s really happening though is that the person’s emotions and the way they are dealing with them are saying a lot more about them than they are about you. It’s important to understand that if a person is having such a strong reaction there are emotions underneath that are making them hurt or scared. When people are hurt or scared, they don’t need more anger and aggression. What they need is connection. Maybe that connection is empathy. Maybe it’s someone asking questions to show they care and are listening. Maybe it’s just sitting there with them as things diffuse.

The challenge: When things are emotionally tense how will you build human connection?

Bonus thought: Brene Brown recently wrote a booked called Atlas of the Heart that dives deeper into understanding emotions. It’s shaping how I’m viewing the world and worth a read. I hear she has a miniseries on HBO Max too, where she discusses some of the content.

Other side notes: Before you think I’m some zen master, I’m not. I screw up a lot, and totally messed up just this past weekend. This story is from one time when I got it right, and that made all the difference. Also, the hammock picture is from a different day. Few things are better than hammock snuggles.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting, Leading, and the Burden of Wellness (10-27-21)

This week I want to kick-off a series about wellness. We will start by thinking about parenting, leading, and the burden of wellness. Fair warning, this one might hit hard.

There are times when my girls struggle with their mental/physical/emotional/social health. They get tired, stressed, grumpy, anxious, and lash out. When this happens, my wife and I get together and figure out how we can adjust the environment to make it easier for them to be well. We don’t swoop in to save them. We help create the space for them. There are a lot of different levels to pull. We might say no to extra activities, keeping things off their plate. We might adjust our expectations of them, asking them to only fulfill their minimal chores and obligations vs. asking for more. We might do our best to slow everything else down, so we can spend quality time together. This environment then helps them find their path to wellness.

You might wonder where this one is going. It feels like “wellness” has been the biggest corporate buzzword since COVID started. It has also felt like the burden of wellness often falls on the individual, instead of the company and systems the person operates in. To me the focus on wellness sounds like this, “Andrew, you’re already burned out, so please make time to listen to this webinar about burnout. You’re overworked, so take a course on time management. You don’t have enough time for your commitments, just take a day for self-care.” Do you ever feel this way?

In the story this week, I don’t put this burden of wellness on my daughters. They can’t do this on their own. They need an environment that supports them. As a parent, as a co-leader of the family, I am responsible for creating this environment that promotes and enables wellness. What if our companies, leaders, society, and systems we live in did a better job of creating this environment that promotes wellness? What if instead of always asking for more and more and more and then telling you to take care of yourself, they did a better job of building wellness into the fabric of the way we do things?

The challenge: As a leader, what are you doing to create an environment that makes achieving wellness easier? What strategies and tactics can you execute to create this environment?

The hard reflection: If you aren’t creating an environment that promotes wellness without putting the burden on individuals, you’re likely inadvertently causing harm. Is that okay with you?

Additional thoughts: Even if you’re not a leader with formal authority, I think you can do things to help the wellness of others. I don’t lead a team, but I can make sure I’m recognizing people and showing them how much I appreciate them. This doesn’t solve all problems, but it does give help fill their bucket so they can keep going. I don’t lead a team, but I can spend an extra second making sure I’m clear on what we are trying to accomplish with a given project. This clarity minimizes swirl, which minimizes how much energy a person has to spend doing something. They can use the energy they didn’t waste to do other things in life without going empty. I don’t lead a team, but I can tell someone, “This isn’t urgent. Don’t rush to get it to me. I’m not going to look at it for a couple of days anyway,” which gives them time to breathe. Reserving speed and urgency for only the things that truly require speed and urgency allows people to save their energy for when it matters. I’m not perfect at any of these things. I am trying to be more cognizant, so I can do better because even my actions as an individual contributor make a difference.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Self-Doubt, Being a Good Dad, and Leadership (9-22-21)

I’d like to kick-off a series about things I’ve struggled with over the past year. I have two hopes with this series. First, if you have struggled with any of the things I discuss, I want you to know you’re not alone. Second, I want to share some of the insights that helped me move forward. Buckle up, bringing the vulnerability and all the feels. 😉 We’ll start this series by exploring my self-doubt about being a good dad and how that connects to being a leader.

I don’t know about you, but this has been another challenging year ranging from COVID to other things. I’ve spent a lot of time questioning and worrying about whether or not I’m making the right decisions as a dad. Am I doing the right things to keep us safe? Are my decisions the right ones for my family? I’m not sure how to handle what they are going though, so how do I proceed? Am I managing my stress well enough? Am I allowing my issues to have a negative impact on my family? How do I lead us through all of these difficult things to navigate? I’m doing the best I can. Is that enough? I don’t know if I’m good enough. Have any of you experienced something like this over the last year? Even if you aren’t a parent, there’s a good chance you’ve had some of these feelings and asked some of these questions.

You might be wondering where this is going. I’ve said before that being a parent is basically the same thing as being a leader. Over the past year I’ve come to recognize and appreciate that often in parenting and leadership situations there is NOT a clear right answer. Parenting/leading is hard. There is no easy way to navigate the complexities of our situations. I’ve come to realize that we are called, as leaders or parents, to use the data to make the best decision possible, evaluate that decision, and alter course as needed. As we do this, we need to recognize there is a fine line between questioning ourselves to learn from the decisions and questioning ourselves in a way to generate self-doubt and anxiety. Last but not least, if you are a leader and you find yourself asking questions about how well you are doing and if you’re appropriately taking care of the people around you, it means you care. It means you’re trying. So let’s give ourselves and each other a little grace as we all try to do what is right.

The challenge: How will you productively wrestle with how you are leading through these times of change?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry