Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 5- Disciplining out of Love (9-10-14)

There are two lessons I have learned since becoming a parent that work hand in hand with each other.

Lesson 1- Parenting is the name for a lifelong coaching session.
Lesson 2- You can discipline or give feedback to a child out of love or out of negative intent.

Alice acts up sometimes and when she does I have to admit that she’s not always my favorite person in the world (Bonus lesson: Having kids means loving them always, but not always liking them). I don’t like having stern conversations with her and disciplining her. It’s not easy and it’s not fun. The reason I do it though, is because I love her so much that I want to help her grow up and become a good woman. I want her to be polite, nice, generous, caring, loving, etc. I don’t want her breaking stuff, being disrespectful, etc. I do NOT have these conversations with her to prove that I’m smarter, more powerful, or authoritarian. (The picture is Alice right before she transforms into “Defiant Temper Tantrum Throwing Alice”. Transform. Get it? She’s wearing an Optimus Prime shirt. #dadsaysboysaredecepticons)

I’ve noticed the same thing when it comes to giving people feedback. For me, what the person says and how they say it is not as important as the intent behind the words. I’ve had conversations with people who give me feedback by saying things like, “Dude, you’re kind of being an idiot and a jerk” or “I’m not feeling that at all” or “That kind of sucks” but I knew they were having the conversations out of love so it was okay. I know other people who say things that sound nicer like, “I have a little coaching for you if you’ll take it,” which is actually code for “I’m smarter than you are and think you should do things my way.” Let’s just say that’s not the best way to get me to do anything. It’s not just the words. It’s the intent behind them.

In my daughter’s case, I have to constantly demonstrate that I love her and care about her so she always can at least see my intent. I’d say we have the opportunity to do the same with our co-workers.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 4- Mistakes and Face Plants (9-3-14)

This entry is about the parenting lessons I’ve learned from watching Violet face plant into the couch. Violet is 7 months old and is crawling/bouncing/scooting around everywhere. On one hand this is great, because she is mobile, but on the other hand she is more prone to bump/crash into things. Have you ever deconstructed what occurs when a baby face plants into a couch? Here is the play by play.

Deconstructing a fall

First, Violet begins to fall, which is a sensation that scares her. Her face then hits the couch, sending pain signals through her body. The initial instinct is to think the impact is worse than it actually is. While this is occurring, she is looking at me and her mom to gauge what our reaction to the fall means. If I overreact, she gets more scared and cries harder. If I don’t react, I am showing her I don’t care. I have to aim somewhere in the middle, so I usually play the reassuring, “You’re okay.” After I comfort her, I set her back on the floor and let her get to exploring again.

Deconstructing making a mistake

Have you ever thought about how the above process mirrors what it is like to make a mistake? When you made a mistake did you feel like the picture on the right? I do. First, you make a mistake, which is a sensation that scares you. You feel the impact from the mistake, which signals to you how bad you’ve messed up. The initial instinct is to think the mistake is much worse than it actually is. While all of this is going on, you look out to the people around you to gauge their reaction. Their reaction gives insight into how much you screwed up and helps you decide whether or not it is safe to try again.

Leadership connection

As a parent I am learning that the fall is as scary as or worse than the impact. My job is to show I care without blowing the situation out of proportion. Good leaders know how to treat a bruise like a bruise instead of a broken arm. Better leaders know what type of person you are and whether you need ice, a Band-Aid, or someone to tell you to “rub some dirt on it”. The best leaders are the ones who do all of those things and then help you get back in the middle of things, ready to explore again.

When they fall and look to you, what do you do?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 3- Encouragement and Taking Fear Away (8-27-14)

Continuing with the lessons I’ve learned since becoming a parent…

Alice is climbing around on playground equipment. She is climbing on bars and starts to get scared. I don’t pull her off of the equipment. Instead, I tell her, “I’m here. You’re okay. You can do it. Keep climbing.” Then I wait as she climbs step by slow step. Once she reaches the top she throws her hands up triumphantly and yells, “Daddy I did it!” She goes down the slide and climbs up the same bars without hesitation.

As sappy as it sounds, I can’t describe how happy and proud I was of her at that moment. This describes one of my favorite parts of being a dad. I have this mysterious power that enables me to remove fear and replace it with confidence. Giving confidence isn’t just about heaping meaningless praise on a person. It is about being able to authentically show someone that you care and have faith in them.

Think back to a career defining moment. I can think back to a few when I was scared, nervous, anxious, and wondering if I could accomplish something. I would say, “This is pretty big. I don’t know if I can do it.” I can remember how some of my favorite leaders handled this. They sat across from me, looked me in the eye, and said something along the lines of “I’m here for you. I have faith. You can do this. I don’t know how you’ll get it done, but I know that you will.” They would say this with such compassion and sincerity that I couldn’t help but believe them. That one act completely changed my perspective. Then, I’d go to work, step by slow step until I made it.

As I work with others and continue to grow as a leader I want to be able to have the same influence that my favorite leaders have had on me. I want to have that mysterious ability that gives people the power to keep climbing when they are frozen. I want to be able to throw up my hands triumphantly when they reach the top and say, “You did it!”

As a leader, what are you doing to remove fear and replace it with confidence?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 2- The Power of a Smile (8-20-14)

Continuing with the lessons I’ve learned since becoming a parent…

For my wife it had been over 300 days. For me it was closer to 50. It had been days upon days of discomfort and emotional stress. We had went so long without sleeping that it felt like crows had set up a permanent nest around our eyes. The wounds were emotional, physical, and mental.

Then, one day that all faded into the background. On that day Violet was about 6 weeks old and for the first time she smiled. I know. It sounds a little dramatic, but if you have ever been around little kids you have probably felt the same way. Their smile, their joy can light up the room and heal all the little wounds you collect as you go through each day.

Anyone who tells you that they love newborns is lying or over-romanticizing the memory. Newborns are tough. All you do is work, work, and work for them without any word of encouragement. Then all of a sudden that changes when they smile. It becomes even better when they first start to say your name. My favorite part of the day is coming home, Alice giving me a huge hug and then picking up Violet and watching her smile and giggle. At that point, the stresses and cuts I’ve picked up from the day disappear, if only for a little while.

I bring this up to show the power of a smile, a hug, and a kind word. I don’t know about you, but if you’re anything like me sometimes you feel that nobody notices or appreciates you. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just trudging through and all I do is work, work, and work. Then, someone (a colleague, a supervisor, a partner) smiles or gives a hug or offers a kind word and it washes away that mentality and gives me the fuel to keep going.

How often are you the one who offers the encouragement when others need it? How often are you offering a smile, a hug, or kind words to a colleague, a customer, a family member, or friend? How powerful is your smile?

In case no one has told you lately, thank you. If you receive these emails it means you are trying to make a difference. You are trying to build a culture. You are trying to keep it real in a world where everything is plastic. Thanks for this. Smile, air high five, and hug!

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 1- Be Curious (8-13-14)

Over the next few weeks the theme is going to be “Lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad”. Whether we have kids or not, I think we can all relate to these stories.

A few weeks ago I went on a 40 minute walk with Alice, my 2 year old, and we didn’t make it more than a half mile away from either side of the house. Every couple of steps she would stop to make some kind of an observation. “Hmmm, a stick. Cracks (in the sidewalk). Broke. Rocks. Whoa, big rocks! Kitty cat! Puppy!” She was pointing out anything that could potentially be interesting. I’m sure you’ve been in this boat before too with a young child.

There is something magical about the way a child views the world. Everything they see is new. Everything is worth noticing. Everything is a mystery waiting to be solved. In that 40 minute walk with Alice she helped me notice more things about the area right around my house than I had in the past year. I know it sounds corny, but one of my first thoughts after our walk was, “I hope she doesn’t grow out of her curiosity.”

Often, we lose our curiosity as we get older, and what was once novel becomes a series of patterns that we no longer acknowledge. We do this with things, but we also do this with people. Think of all of the uncharted territory that we could explore that we just don’t take advantage of. Imagine all of the additional information we would seek out and explore if we would be as curious as little kids. Imagine how we would be able to use our curiosity to find new connections and discover new solutions to ever changing problems. Think about all of the patients we could help in the process.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Bonus lesson from Alice: Be you. Yes. That’s my daughter wearing a batgirl outfit with a sparkly dress dragging a stuffed “tick tock croc” (crocodile) on a sled for a walk to the park. Some ask why, but Alice asks, “Why not?” Hopefully she never loses her muchness…