Lesson 4- Standing Strong in the Emotional Fire (11-19-25)

Last week was about the invisible backpack. This week is lesson 4: the importance of standing strong in the emotional fire.

The other day one of my kids was having a really hard time emotionally. If my kid was a dragon, they were spitting fire everywhere. It would have been easy to tell them to just go to their room on their own to sort it out. It would have been easy to tell them to suck it up and stop making it such a big deal. It would have been easy to step away from the situation, so we wouldn’t get sucked into the energy. Instead, my wife and I sat there. As my kid unleashed fire like a dragon, we sat there. We let the fire go around us and we walked through it. We didn’t try to stop the fire. We sat there with them, and when they stopped breathing fire, we sat there and comforted them until they were whole again.

Let’s make some connections. Standing in the midst of the meltdown wasn’t comfortable. It wasn’t pretty. It was exhausting and difficult. It wasn’t where my wife and I wanted to be. It was where my wife and I needed to be. We needed to show them that their fire didn’t scare us. We needed to be there to show that our love is stronger than any feelings/meltdowns/fire they could throw at us. We needed to be there to show that we will always be a safe and firm foundation for them. It’s not like we did anything magic. We just stayed there, softly speaking words of encouragement, reminding them that they are loved and it’s okay to feel strong feelings. For our family, we will always choose to stand strong in the fire. (By the way, watching my wife sit in that fire was one of the most beautiful and strong things I’ve seen. I hope you’re all blessed to have someone like her.)

The challenge: In a world filled with humans who are often scared to allow their vulnerability to show, will you be strong enough to stand in the fire with them? Will you be strong enough for them to lean on?

Bonus- I also wrote a poem inspired by these events. You can check that out here https://www.linkedin.com/posts/andrew-embry-979831b7_love-emotions-dragons-activity-7396885754817384448-Lkfc?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop&rcm=ACoAABjcjy0BSioATZ2Tfprhg_c9r0itVMM87PQ

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Containers and Holding Things (2-26-24)

This is a special one-off post. I opened the fridge today to pack my lunch and this blog idea hit me really hard, and I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to share this today. Maybe it’s just the message I need. However, if you feel this one hit you at the right time, just know that God/The Universe/Whatever thing connects us all together, says, “Hello! I see you. Here’s a hug.” The message is all about containers and holding things.

Anyway, take a look at the picture. What’s in the container? Your first instinct might be to say that it’s a tub of butter, since the container says it holds Country Crock. Spoiler alert. It’s not butter. It’s actually filled with delicious vegetable soup that my mom made the other day. It’s going to be my lunch. Growing up, did any of you ever use leftover butter containers to hold leftovers, legos, craft parts, and other things? We did this all the time and still do.

As I pulled the tub from the fridge and put it in my lunchbox, I smiled at the realization that this was a container that could hold anything. Just because it held butter once, didn’t mean it always had to hold butter. There are limitless possibilities for this container. There are infinite possibilities of what this container could hold.

So, where is this going? I realized this morning that I’m a lot like the container. I’m a vessel capable of holding multitudes. I realized that just because I was filled with one thing, didn’t mean I would always have to be filled with that thing. If I was filled with anger, irritation, venom, sadness, hopelessness, or any other strong emotion that felt heavy, didn’t mean that I would always be filled with those things. In the same way that the butter was emptied from the container, I could empty myself of those things too. In the same way that the container was then filled up with heart warming soup, I too could fill myself up and allow others to feel me up with things that warm my heart and spirit.

The challenge: We are all containers. What will you hold?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Boxing, Emotions, and our Source of Power (6-2-21)

This is in the last of our series about emotions. This week is about boxing and how emotions can be a source of power.

The other morning I was doing a boxing workout. I’m throwing jabs, crosses, hooks, and uppercuts, while the sweat is flying off my bald head (you’re welcome for the visual😉). I’m new to boxing, so I’m focused on how my arms are moving. That’s when I hear the instructor say that the power in these punches isn’t from the arms. This is counterintuitive for me, because boxing is all about strong arms and quick strikes. The trainer goes on to explain that the power comes from your hips. More specifically, the power comes from the combination of rotating your hips as you move your arms in synch to unleash all that pent up potential energy.

What does this have to do with anything? Over the past few weeks we’ve explored how important it is to experience and process the emotions we feel. We did this because we live in a world that often encourages us to separate our emotions from the rational side of our brains. We are asked to leave the emotions at the door as we go into work, and told to use our logical thinking to engage with tools, frameworks, and strategies.

We should be thinking about how to use our emotions AND rational side together. In our boxing analogy, I’d argue that the rational brain is our arms and fists. Our rational brain does a lot of the work, but that’s not where the power comes from. The power comes from our heart, from allowing ourselves to truly feel and experience ALL emotions. More specifically, the power comes from those emotions and connecting them with our mind in beautiful harmony. For example, it’s feeling the wide range of emotions while empathizing with everything customers experience, and then combining this with rational tools to create strategies to help. It’s the love you feel for your teammates that propels your mind to use the right frameworks and tools to build an inclusive culture to bring out the best in us. It’s the hope you feel when all is lost that engages your mind to think of a way to solve the problem. Without the power of emotions, our minds can only take us so far.

The challenge: How are you embracing and harnessing your emotions to enhance your power to make a difference?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Emotions, Compartmentalizing, and Dragging Suitcases (5-26-21)

Happy Wednesday,

Last week was about leaving emotional baggage behind. We are going to stay in that same space, and look at it from a different perspective by looking at emotions, compartmentalizing, and dragging around suitcases.

Imagine for a moment that you have a suitcase that you roll with you everywhere. As you go along your travels you put things in your suitcase like clothing, food, and personal items. Eventually, you have too much stuff. Instead of letting go of any of the stuff, you get another suitcase. You are now pulling two suitcases around with you. When the second one fills up, you get another suitcase. Now you are dragging three suitcases with you. At this point, you’re still able to walk and move forward, but you’re hindered by having so many suitcases that you are constantly carrying around with you.

Now you might see where this is going. We live in a world where we don’t always feel comfortable experiencing and expressing our emotions. As a result, we often compartmentalize things. We take emotions and stuff them into a box. Do you ever do this? I know that I do. For the longest time when I compartmentalized something, I thought I was shoving the box on a shelf somewhere. I also thought this was okay, because if the box was on a shelf then I’d never feel its weight. I now realize that I never put the boxes on the shelf. Instead, I put the boxes in a suitcase and carried them with me wherever I went. No matter what I did, eventually carrying that extra weight from all of the emotions stuffed in boxes would catch up with me. Sometimes, the impact was as simple as feeling tired. Sometimes, the impact was more complicated and would result in me sabotaging myself and/or my relationships with others.

With all this in mind, there are a few main takeaways. First, all of this doesn’t mean that compartmentalizing is always a bad thing. Sometimes it’s necessary to compartmentalize to move forward through things It’s just important to understand that even if you put something in a box that box doesn’t disappear. You keep carrying it with you. Second, sooner or later we have to deal with our emotions. We either deal with them by working through them or carrying around the boxes. Last but not least, you never know how much emotional weight people are carrying, so when in doubt be kind.

The challenge: Will you realize what emotional weight you’re carrying with you?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Training with Ankle Weights and Emotional Baggage (5-19-21)

Happy Wednesday,

Last week was about taking the time to process emotions. This week is about training with ankle weights and putting down emotional baggage.

Let’s pretend for a moment that you were training for a race and you decided to wear ankle weights. The idea is that training with this additional weight will make you stronger. When race day finally comes, you take off the ankle weights, because you know that carrying around that extra weight will hinder your performance in the competition. Without the ankle weights, you feel lighter and you are able to take advantage of your newfound strength and speed you gained from training with that extra weight.

What does this analogy have to do with anything? The analogy is about using the extra ankle weights to gain strength, and then leaving that weight behind as you move forward stronger than before. What if we did the same thing with the emotional weight we carry? I don’t know about you, but I sometimes find myself getting overly attached to emotional baggage. I’ll take strong feelings like anger, sadness, and bitterness and get trapped in loops where the situation and the emotions play in my head over and over and over again. I’ll become fixated and trapped in this vicious cycle. I’ll carry this emotional weight with me, day in and day out, never putting it down. Eventually, this extra emotional weight takes a toll on me, sapping my emotional, mental, and physical strength.

We don’t have to constantly carry this emotional weight. We can choose to put this weight down. On my best days, I feel the emotions from whatever I’m going through, process them, and then take my learnings from them. After I’ve gained learnings and strength from them, I set the emotional baggage down. I release the loop, so it stops playing. I step out of the trapped vicious cycle. With the weight released, I take the learnings from that experience and move forward stronger than ever. This all sounds great, but this isn’t easy. I struggle with this a lot, and every time I struggle with this is another good reminder I’m human. If you struggle with putting down your emotional baggage you are not alone.

The challenge- How can you take the strength from your emotions with you, while leaving the baggage behind?

In case you’re curious, here are the things I’ve found that help me put down the emotional baggage the best.

Writing- There is something about getting the thoughts down on paper that helps release them. It doesn’t matter if it’s a poem, story, or simply listing feelings. I’ve found that writing with a pen works better than typing on a keyboard. There’s something about my thoughts flowing better through ink. Blogging is part of this too. There’s something about releasing thoughts to the universe. There’s also something when someone says, “Oh, yeah I feel that.” Baggage doesn’t seem so heavy if it’s not only you carrying something like it.
Doing something physical- Lifting, running, and walking. I’ve also found that mowing helps me find peace, maybe it’s the white noise from the push mower. I’ve listened to podcasts lately that talk about physical activity being a key to complete emotional cycle. Plus there are all the other benefits of exercise.
Grounding myself in the present to let go of the past- Just taking the time to stop and pay attention to what is around me sometimes is enough to snap me out of a repetitive loop.

I stand in solidarity against injustice and in support of humanity.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Puzzles and Taking Time to Process Emotions (5-12-21)

Last week, we looked at what emotions communicate to us. This week we will look at puzzles and taking time to process emotions.

Imagine for a moment that I dumped a 1000 piece puzzle on a table in front of you, and told you this was something you needed to complete in 5 minutes. You couldn’t do it. Putting together a puzzle like that requires time and patience. In 5 minutes you’d barely be able to identify all the edge pieces in that time. Maybe you’d get lucky and a couple of pieces would connect together, but you wouldn’t make substantial progress. The puzzle would be left unfinished.

You might be wondering what this has to do with anything. Emotions are a lot like a 1000 piece puzzle. Working through them requires time and patience. The challenge is that we live in a world that directly and indirectly tells us that we need to speed through our emotions. We need to get through them as quickly as possible so we can get back to being productive and efficient again. As a result, sometimes I rush through my emotions without truly feeling them, understanding what they are telling me, or how they are impacting my outlook on things. Do you ever do this?

When I don’t take the time to process my emotions that it becomes like an unfinished puzzle. The only difference is that not finishing an emotional puzzle ends up having negative consequences. I’ve found that if I don’t take the time to work through tough emotions like fear, anxiety, and anger then I suffer negative consequences like not taking great care of myself and lashing out toward others I have relationships with (I become sharp like a thornbush). Have you ever experienced negative effects from not processing what you’re going through?

The challenge: Will you take the time to work through your emotions, even when the world is telling you that you are too busy to do so?

Bonus insight into my brain: Originally, instead of using puzzles as a metaphor I was going to use a difficult math problem. The idea would still be the same. You can solve the math problem, it just might take you time. Then, I realized that emotions are not a problem to be solved. They are part of something that helps you see the full picture of what you are experiencing

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Spidey-Sense and How Emotions Communicate with Us (5-5-21)

Last week was about candy and toxic positivity. This week is about Spider-man’s Spidey-sense and what emotions communicate to us.

Spider-man is one of my favorite superheroes. On top of his super strength, amazing agility, web swinging, and wall climbing, he also has his Spidey-sense. His Spidey-sense is his body communicating with him that something isn’t quite right, so he can take action. Maybe, it’s a warning of a sneak attack that is going to happen. He feels his Spidey-sense, understands the meaning, and then he dodges the sneak attack. Maybe, it’s a warning that he’s being deceived. He feels his Spidey-sense, understands the meaning, and then keeps his eyes open for deception. Whatever the situation, by listening to his Spidey-sense he is better prepared to face whatever is happening.

What does Spider-man’s Spidey-sense have to do with emotions? I don’t know about you, but sometimes I treat emotions as something that I just need to get through. This is particularly true for emotions we consider to be negative. When I experience those, I want to just get them out of my system as soon as possible so I can go back to feeling happy again. Do you ever feel this way? (#toxicpositivity)

What if emotions are our own Spidey-sense? How would things change if we treated emotions as sensations that were trying to communicate something to us? I know that whenever I take time to truly sit with my emotions and listen to them, I learn more about myself. As a human, I may not always know what I want/need out of life, but love or sadness or anger or joy can be key to helping me discover these things. I only need to be willing to listen.

The challenge: Are you listening to what your emotions are telling you?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Emotions, Candy, and Toxic Positivity (4-28-21)

This week we are going to kick off a new series inspired by emotions. We will start looking at toxic positivity. In case you’re not familiar with the concept, here is a definition. “Toxic positivity is an obsession with positive thinking. It is the belief that people should put a positive spin on all experiences, even those that are profoundly tragic.” (Toxic positivity: Definition, risks, how to avoid, and more (medicalnewstoday.com) Now let’s reflect on how candy and toxic positivity are connected.

Imagine for a moment that every meal you had moving forward was candy. At first it might be kind of good. The food would be sweet and delicious. However, over time there would start to be negative effects. You might have cavities. Your blood sugar would go through the roof, and you would start feeling horrible because you weren’t gaining the nutrients you needed to be healthy. What started out as something sweet would essentially poison your body.

How does this connect with toxic positivity? When bad things happen, often the first instinct is to try to ignore the pain and encourage others to find the positive in the situation. We say things like, “You just need to stay positive.” “Find the silver lining.” “Everything happens for a reason.” “Be thankful it’s not worse.” “Don’t feel sad, you’ll be fine.” I know I’ve said all these things to people. Have you?

Similar to candy, at first these words appear to be sweet. They appear to be encouraging. It feels like the right thing to do. However, like a diet consisting only of candy, this could be unhealthy. If all we ever consume are thoughts encouraging us to be positive, it starts to veer into the territory of toxic positivity. The problem is that the focus on positivity gets in the way of dealing with emotions we deem unpleasant. To move forward, we have to grapple with tough emotions and their meaning. Instead of jumping straight to positivity we have to be comfortable sitting and sifting through the sucky situation and feelings, so we can understand what those emotions are trying to tell us. Only relying on positivity robs of this process and the progress it can bring.

The challenge: How will you embrace ALL emotions and not just the “positive” ones? How will you minimize toxic positivity?

Bonus 1: Here’s a link of a podcast I listened to recently about toxic positivity. It is Brene Brown with Dr. Susan David.

Bonus 2 Real Example- I remember that I got some bad news once, and immediately the person started telling me, “Keep your chin up. There are so many positives you’ll take from this.” They meant well, and they unintentionally completely overlooked the difficulty of the situation. I responded to them by saying, “One day I will probably find learnings from all this. Right now it sucks, and I’m going to take a few days and just sit in the suckiness.” I spent the time sitting in the suckiness, reflecting, and working through things, until I came out a different me on the other side. That wouldn’t have happened if I would have just skipped to positive thoughts.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Emotions, Intentions, and Impact (3-28-18)

This will be the last in a series about emotions. We started by thinking about losing vs. finding emotions and our real selves. Then we thought about channeling emotions. Last week was about emotionally charged conversations and being careful vs. ending the conversation. This week is about emotions, intentions, AND impact.

Imagine that Steve is standing in the hallway. Bob is walking in Steve’s direction. All you can see of Bob is his back. It looks like Bob has tripped and as he stumbles forward he hits Steve in the face. Steve instantly has a big bruise and yells out in pain. If I made you tell me right now, WHAT would you tell me happened and WHY would you say it happened? I can tell you for sure that Steve has been hit in the face and that he is in pain, but that’s all I really know. After that, we can’t be 100% sure of what happened.

The answers to what happened and why it happened won’t eliminate Steve’s pain. Steve is feeling pain, and I can’t take that away from him. Steve’s pain still matters whether it was an accident or on purpose. However, understanding what happened and why it happened is important, because it will dictate the course of action moving forward. If it was a pure accident, Bob apologizes and then Bob and Steve probably move on. If Bob hit Steve on purpose, Bob may or may not offer a fake apology and the relationship will be damaged.

So what does this have to do with work and emotions? I feel for the longest time we have been told that when it comes to harming others through words or actions that we should focus on intent VERSUS impact. Instead, I think we need to consider intent AND impact. The nuance sounds subtle, but it makes a huge difference. When we talk about intent versus impact we can often explain away things, like, “Suzy didn’t mean any harm when she said that. You should just forgive.” When we look at intent versus impact, it’s like we try to explain away pain as if it doesn’t happen as long as the person had good intentions. The fact is whether the person has good intentions or bad intentions, the pain is still real. The pain is still hurtful. The pain still matters. Intentions can’t take the pain away. Intentions can only impact what the next steps are. If I hurt you and you believe it was unintentional, we’re probably more likely to find a way to talk through it and improve our relationship. If I hurt you and you believe it was intentional, then you are probably less likely to want to talk to me about anything.

I’m guessing we are all Bob from time to time, I know I am. I sometimes make mistakes, trip, and say or do things that are unintentionally harmful. These things are especially likely to happen when I’m brave enough to “leave the oven on” and tread into emotionally charged conversations. When I do make mistakes, I need to take on the responsibility of apologizing and doing what I can to help heal the relationship. I am also Steve sometimes. I get hit in the face by someone/something and feel hurt/angry/upset. In those moments, my first instinct is to feel anger and ASSUME THE WORST of the other person. Then, I realize I need to take a step back, because the movie playing in my head might be the truth or it might not be the truth.

The challenge: What assumptions are you making about people’s motivations and intentions? Can we seek to understand the situation before passing judgment? (I don’t always do this part as well as I should. I hope you are better than me.)

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Emotionally Charged Conversations and Making Lasagna (3-21-18)

Last week was about channeling emotions. This week we are going to reflect on emotionally charged conversations and using an oven. Let’s pretend that you and I were baking lasagna. You put the lasagna in the oven, and I instantly turn the oven off. I explain that the oven is hot and can burn you or maybe we’ll burn the lasagna. While this is true, you’re confused and you say, “But we have to bake the lasagna.” You turn the oven on, then I promptly turn it off. Finally you say, “Andrew, you can’t bake the lasagna without any heat.” I say, “You’re right. The oven does get really hot though, so let’s make sure we are careful when we’re dealing with it.” After I say this, I grab some heating pads and oven mitts for us to use.

You’re probably wondering where this is going. In our company (and I’d argue in our society) we are at this turning point where we are talking about building culture more than we ever have before. Much like baking lasagna, we are combining a lot of different people, thought processes, etc., and we are having conversations now that are new to a lot of us. These conversations can be scary and awkward. The conversation is the hot oven. The hot oven is required to bake the food, but at the same time it can burn us or the lasagna (our relationships). As we continue to have these difficult conversations, it’s tempting to turn off the oven (stop the conversation) to be safe from the heat (the tension, nervousness, etc.), but the fact is we need the heat. Without the heat, we will never finish baking. Instead of stopping these conversations, we need to think about how we can have them in a careful and attentive way. Instead of oven mitts, we could use love and care.

Embry confession aka my flaws. When I first started reflecting on this topic I said, “I never shy away from talking about stuff. I never stop the conversation,” but then I realized I was lying to myself. I’ve shut things down before and still do from time to time. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it. Here are 5 ways in which I’ve messed stuff up and continue to mess stuff up.

I’ve fallen into the trap that my point of view is the only one, so I’ve shut down opposing points of view by not really listening.
I sometimes view people challenging my views as attacks, which has led me to becoming defensive and turning a conversation into a battle.
I’ve fallen into the trap of saying, “I already know them and their narrative,” so I’ve closed myself off to what others have said.
I’ve been worried that something might be taboo to talk about, so rather than talk through it to find understanding, I stopped to avoid any potential awkwardness.
I’ve been afraid to admit my shortcomings. I don’t like to think of myself as racist, sexist, etc. so when people have talked about ways in which the dominant culture I’m part of can be that way, I’ve been quick to say, “Well, not me.” When people have mentioned things I’ve legit done, I’ve been so quick to make excuses, quickly shutting down any real chance of connecting.

All of the examples above are things I’ve done that have prematurely stopped important conversations from occurring. Be honest with yourself. Do you ever do any of those above things? Over time I continue to learn that while I might be nervous or anxious or the conversation is filled with tension, the answer isn’t to turn off the oven. The answer is to proceed with caution, using care and love, while understanding there’s always the chance I could get burned. There’s always the chance I could make a mistake and hurt others. It’s messy and complicated, but that’s the price you pay when you are trying to make something amazing.

The challenge: Are you turning off the oven or are you baking carefully?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry