Last week was about channeling emotions.  This week we are going to reflect on emotionally charged conversations and using an oven.  Let’s pretend that you and I were baking lasagna.  You put the lasagna in the oven, and I instantly turn the oven off.  I explain that the oven is hot and can burn you or maybe we’ll burn the lasagna.  While this is true, you’re confused and you say, “But we have to bake the lasagna.”  You turn the oven on, then I promptly turn it off.  Finally you say, “Andrew, you can’t bake the lasagna without any heat.”  I say, “You’re right.  The oven does get really hot though, so let’s make sure we are careful when we’re dealing with it.”  After I say this, I grab some heating pads and oven mitts for us to use.

You’re probably wondering where this is going.  In our company (and I’d argue in our society) we are at this turning point where we are talking about building culture more than we ever have before.  Much like baking lasagna, we are combining a lot of different people, thought processes, etc., and we are having conversations now that are new to a lot of us.  These conversations can be scary and awkward.  The conversation is the hot oven.  The hot oven is required to bake the food, but at the same time it can burn us or the lasagna (our relationships).  As we continue to have these difficult conversations, it’s tempting to turn off the oven (stop the conversation) to be safe from the heat (the tension, nervousness, etc.), but the fact is we need the heat.  Without the heat, we will never finish baking.  Instead of stopping these conversations, we need to think about how we can have them in a careful and attentive way.  Instead of oven mitts, we could use love and care.

Embry confession aka my flaws.  When I first started reflecting on this topic I said, “I never shy away from talking about stuff.  I never stop the conversation,” but then I realized I was lying to myself.  I’ve shut things down before and still do from time to time.  Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  Here are 5 ways in which I’ve messed stuff up and continue to mess stuff up.   

1. I’ve fallen into the trap that my point of view is the only one, so I’ve shut down opposing points of view by not really listening. 
2. I sometimes view people challenging my views as attacks, which has led me to becoming defensive and turning a conversation into a battle.
3. I’ve fallen into the trap of saying, “I already know them and their narrative,” so I’ve closed myself off to what others have said.
4. I’ve been worried that something might be taboo to talk about, so rather than talk through it to find understanding, I stopped to avoid any potential awkwardness.
5. I’ve been afraid to admit my shortcomings.  I don’t like to think of myself as racist, sexist, etc. so when people have talked about ways in which the dominant culture I’m part of can be that way, I’ve been quick to say, “Well, not me.”  When people have mentioned things I’ve legit done, I’ve been so quick to make excuses, quickly shutting down any real chance of connecting. 

All of the examples above are things I’ve done that have prematurely stopped important conversations from occurring.  Be honest with yourself.  Do you ever do any of those above things?  Over time I continue to learn that while I might be nervous or anxious or the conversation is filled with tension, the answer isn’t to turn off the oven.  The answer is to proceed with caution, using care and love, while understanding there’s always the chance I could get burned.  There’s always the chance I could make a mistake and hurt others.  It’s messy and complicated, but that’s the price you pay when you are trying to make something amazing.

The challenge: Are you turning off the oven or are you baking carefully?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry