Lessons from Being a Dad Part 1 Cheering on First Steps (2-10-16)

As many of you know, I’m a dad. I have two girls, Violet (2) and Alice (3.5). I’ve learned so much from my girls and over the new few weeks I’d like to share a few of those lessons. This week I want to share what I’ve learned about recognizing progress instead of just results.

When my girls started walking my wife got really excited. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I mean, they could barely take steps. Most of the people on this planet can walk. It’s not that impressive that they can take a few steps. Obviously those last few sentences aren’t true. If they were, I’d be one of the coldest dads out there. When my kids first started taking steps we partied like it was 1999. We yelled. We cheered. We did impromptu happy dances. We gave high fives, hugs, and lots of kisses.

Why would we celebrate this? We celebrated because for them, their first steps were a huge leap forward. Of course we want them to grow up and be coordinated and active individuals, but we know this outcome doesn’t happen overnight. If all we did was constantly compare them to a high bar that is out of their reach they’d be discouraged. We know their progress is worth celebrating to help them believe in themselves, so they can achieve great things.

As they continue to grow up I see how important it is to celebrate progress. Talking always came very easy to Alice. She’s been able to tell full crazy stories since she was really young. This isn’t the case with Violet. Violet’s a little behind in her speech to the point where we have her working with a speech therapist. There are a lot of friends and family members who compare outputs between Alice and Violet. They’ll say, “Violet doesn’t talk as much as Alice at that age. Violet can’t say many words.” What they are saying is true. What they are missing though is all of the progress that Violet is making right now. They are missing how she’s picking up a few more words. They are missing how proud of herself she is when she says words that are new to her like “balloon” or “bubble”. They are missing opportunities to encourage and cheer her on.

Work connection. When is the last time you stopped to reflect on your progress? When is the last time you commended someone else on their progress or on their growth? If you want someone to reach the high bar you are setting for them, you need to help them believe they can reach it. That only happens if you help them realize how far they’ve come and how much closer they are to the goal.

The challenge: Find someone (peer, direct report, friend, family member, etc.) this week and tell them how proud you are of the progress they’ve made.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 4 Feel love. Show love. (7-1-15)

This is going to be the final installment in the lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad and it’s about love.

I knew pretty early on in our relationship that I loved my wife in a way that I had never loved another person. This love continues to grow to this day. I remember when I found out she was pregnant with our first child that I kept wondering how would I ever love another person with as much heart as I put into loving my wife. When Alice was born I quickly learned my heart, that I already thought was full of love, had even more room to share love with this new incredible person in my life.

Time goes by and my wife becomes pregnant with Violet, our second daughter. I kept thinking to myself, “How can I ever love Violet the way I love Alice? How can I have room for that much love in my heart?” I can’t tell you how it happened, but I can tell you that when Violet was born I once again found that I had more capacity for love. Through these experiences I’ve found that love defies physical laws and many things that we have been taught to believe is true. Normally, if you want to have something you need to acquire it. However, love is different. The more love I give away, the more love that comes back to me.

So what does love have to do with work? I try to live each day sharing love. Every high five, compliment, hug, handshake, conversation, etc. is one way of me saying that I love and care about that person. Every transparent bit of honesty, every suggestion I make, any criticism or feedback, I try to do out of love, and I feel that’s the difference between when things go well and they don’t. When that other person knows I care about them and what’s best for them, I can say/do anything that might help them be better. When they don’t know this, even the best of intentions go awry.

The challenge- Feel love. Show love. Spread love.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 3 Violet- Bubbles and Simple Things (6-24-15)

I hope that you enjoyed your weekend. This week I want to continue with lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad by looking at couch cushions, chalk, and bubbles.

As we grow older we often lose the ability to see the beauty in things. Things that were once novel to us become commonplace and lose their luster. For example, before having kids I couldn’t tell you the last time I blew bubbles, drew with sidewalk chalk, or thought of couch cushions as anything other than where to sit.

Having the girls has helped me slow down and see the beauty in those things again. It’s helped me see the magic in bubbles, the spirit in a chalk drawing, and the appreciation of how quickly couch cushions can transform into a fort or “Pillowland”.

Think about work for a moment. How often do we get lost in the grind? How often do we lose the ability to see the beauty in things? Have you noticed any of these things lately?

The person who has been working hard and developing right before your eyes into a better leader.
The smile from an individual when you give them a pat on the back for a job well done.
The challenging question that someone asks that spurs the group to arrive at a much better place.
The joke that reminds us that we don’t have to be so dang serious all the time.
A simple high five just because.
The phrase, “This made me think of you…”
Someone wearing bright colors to fight the negative energy of a rainy day.

All of those things and many more are worth noticing. Are you seeing them? Are you showing them to others?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 2 Violet- My girl and my demon (6-17-15)

Last week we started with some lessons I have learned since becoming a dad and we talked about Alice (3 year old) and Eye Patch the Octopus. This week we will talk about Violet (1 year 5 months), my angel and my demon.

I know that I am biased, but I think my daughter is one of the sweetest little girls ever. With a smile like that you can’t help but imagine that when she speaks she sounds like angel trumpets and gentle winds. You can’t help but think about how her hugs are so warm and consuming that it melts your heart and turns your legs into jello. Those things are true.

While Violet is sweet, she also has a bad sad. I call her Legion, for her tantrums are many. You can see the wild eyed craziness and almost feel the demon rushing out of her mouth to consume you in anger, pain, and misery. You can imagine that her screams make banshees shudder. Her cries are the sound the horsemen make to call in the apocalypse. Those things are also true.

I love Violet, but I’ll also tell you there are times when she is a raving lunatic that I don’t like that much. However, there are a lot of parents in my life who like to pretend that their kids aren’t ever demons. It makes me wonder, if they can’t admit that their kids (especially little toddlers) aren’t perfect, how can I trust them to understand they aren’t perfect either?

What about you? I know that Violet is a small developing human who isn’t always perfect, and I’m just a bigger developing human who isn’t always perfect. Do you know this? Are you strong enough to show this? Throughout my career I’ve worked with and around too many people who didn’t know they were human. I’ve worked with too many people who couldn’t admit their mistakes, shortcomings, or failures. When that happens you can’t have honesty. You can’t have a relationship. You can’t have love.

Here’s to my little demon and my little angel. Here’s to being strong enough to be human.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 5- Disciplining out of Love (9-10-14)

There are two lessons I have learned since becoming a parent that work hand in hand with each other.

Lesson 1- Parenting is the name for a lifelong coaching session.
Lesson 2- You can discipline or give feedback to a child out of love or out of negative intent.

Alice acts up sometimes and when she does I have to admit that she’s not always my favorite person in the world (Bonus lesson: Having kids means loving them always, but not always liking them). I don’t like having stern conversations with her and disciplining her. It’s not easy and it’s not fun. The reason I do it though, is because I love her so much that I want to help her grow up and become a good woman. I want her to be polite, nice, generous, caring, loving, etc. I don’t want her breaking stuff, being disrespectful, etc. I do NOT have these conversations with her to prove that I’m smarter, more powerful, or authoritarian. (The picture is Alice right before she transforms into “Defiant Temper Tantrum Throwing Alice”. Transform. Get it? She’s wearing an Optimus Prime shirt. #dadsaysboysaredecepticons)

I’ve noticed the same thing when it comes to giving people feedback. For me, what the person says and how they say it is not as important as the intent behind the words. I’ve had conversations with people who give me feedback by saying things like, “Dude, you’re kind of being an idiot and a jerk” or “I’m not feeling that at all” or “That kind of sucks” but I knew they were having the conversations out of love so it was okay. I know other people who say things that sound nicer like, “I have a little coaching for you if you’ll take it,” which is actually code for “I’m smarter than you are and think you should do things my way.” Let’s just say that’s not the best way to get me to do anything. It’s not just the words. It’s the intent behind them.

In my daughter’s case, I have to constantly demonstrate that I love her and care about her so she always can at least see my intent. I’d say we have the opportunity to do the same with our co-workers.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 4- Mistakes and Face Plants (9-3-14)

This entry is about the parenting lessons I’ve learned from watching Violet face plant into the couch. Violet is 7 months old and is crawling/bouncing/scooting around everywhere. On one hand this is great, because she is mobile, but on the other hand she is more prone to bump/crash into things. Have you ever deconstructed what occurs when a baby face plants into a couch? Here is the play by play.

Deconstructing a fall

First, Violet begins to fall, which is a sensation that scares her. Her face then hits the couch, sending pain signals through her body. The initial instinct is to think the impact is worse than it actually is. While this is occurring, she is looking at me and her mom to gauge what our reaction to the fall means. If I overreact, she gets more scared and cries harder. If I don’t react, I am showing her I don’t care. I have to aim somewhere in the middle, so I usually play the reassuring, “You’re okay.” After I comfort her, I set her back on the floor and let her get to exploring again.

Deconstructing making a mistake

Have you ever thought about how the above process mirrors what it is like to make a mistake? When you made a mistake did you feel like the picture on the right? I do. First, you make a mistake, which is a sensation that scares you. You feel the impact from the mistake, which signals to you how bad you’ve messed up. The initial instinct is to think the mistake is much worse than it actually is. While all of this is going on, you look out to the people around you to gauge their reaction. Their reaction gives insight into how much you screwed up and helps you decide whether or not it is safe to try again.

Leadership connection

As a parent I am learning that the fall is as scary as or worse than the impact. My job is to show I care without blowing the situation out of proportion. Good leaders know how to treat a bruise like a bruise instead of a broken arm. Better leaders know what type of person you are and whether you need ice, a Band-Aid, or someone to tell you to “rub some dirt on it”. The best leaders are the ones who do all of those things and then help you get back in the middle of things, ready to explore again.

When they fall and look to you, what do you do?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 3- Encouragement and Taking Fear Away (8-27-14)

Continuing with the lessons I’ve learned since becoming a parent…

Alice is climbing around on playground equipment. She is climbing on bars and starts to get scared. I don’t pull her off of the equipment. Instead, I tell her, “I’m here. You’re okay. You can do it. Keep climbing.” Then I wait as she climbs step by slow step. Once she reaches the top she throws her hands up triumphantly and yells, “Daddy I did it!” She goes down the slide and climbs up the same bars without hesitation.

As sappy as it sounds, I can’t describe how happy and proud I was of her at that moment. This describes one of my favorite parts of being a dad. I have this mysterious power that enables me to remove fear and replace it with confidence. Giving confidence isn’t just about heaping meaningless praise on a person. It is about being able to authentically show someone that you care and have faith in them.

Think back to a career defining moment. I can think back to a few when I was scared, nervous, anxious, and wondering if I could accomplish something. I would say, “This is pretty big. I don’t know if I can do it.” I can remember how some of my favorite leaders handled this. They sat across from me, looked me in the eye, and said something along the lines of “I’m here for you. I have faith. You can do this. I don’t know how you’ll get it done, but I know that you will.” They would say this with such compassion and sincerity that I couldn’t help but believe them. That one act completely changed my perspective. Then, I’d go to work, step by slow step until I made it.

As I work with others and continue to grow as a leader I want to be able to have the same influence that my favorite leaders have had on me. I want to have that mysterious ability that gives people the power to keep climbing when they are frozen. I want to be able to throw up my hands triumphantly when they reach the top and say, “You did it!”

As a leader, what are you doing to remove fear and replace it with confidence?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 2- The Power of a Smile (8-20-14)

Continuing with the lessons I’ve learned since becoming a parent…

For my wife it had been over 300 days. For me it was closer to 50. It had been days upon days of discomfort and emotional stress. We had went so long without sleeping that it felt like crows had set up a permanent nest around our eyes. The wounds were emotional, physical, and mental.

Then, one day that all faded into the background. On that day Violet was about 6 weeks old and for the first time she smiled. I know. It sounds a little dramatic, but if you have ever been around little kids you have probably felt the same way. Their smile, their joy can light up the room and heal all the little wounds you collect as you go through each day.

Anyone who tells you that they love newborns is lying or over-romanticizing the memory. Newborns are tough. All you do is work, work, and work for them without any word of encouragement. Then all of a sudden that changes when they smile. It becomes even better when they first start to say your name. My favorite part of the day is coming home, Alice giving me a huge hug and then picking up Violet and watching her smile and giggle. At that point, the stresses and cuts I’ve picked up from the day disappear, if only for a little while.

I bring this up to show the power of a smile, a hug, and a kind word. I don’t know about you, but if you’re anything like me sometimes you feel that nobody notices or appreciates you. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just trudging through and all I do is work, work, and work. Then, someone (a colleague, a supervisor, a partner) smiles or gives a hug or offers a kind word and it washes away that mentality and gives me the fuel to keep going.

How often are you the one who offers the encouragement when others need it? How often are you offering a smile, a hug, or kind words to a colleague, a customer, a family member, or friend? How powerful is your smile?

In case no one has told you lately, thank you. If you receive these emails it means you are trying to make a difference. You are trying to build a culture. You are trying to keep it real in a world where everything is plastic. Thanks for this. Smile, air high five, and hug!

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 1- Be Curious (8-13-14)

Over the next few weeks the theme is going to be “Lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad”. Whether we have kids or not, I think we can all relate to these stories.

A few weeks ago I went on a 40 minute walk with Alice, my 2 year old, and we didn’t make it more than a half mile away from either side of the house. Every couple of steps she would stop to make some kind of an observation. “Hmmm, a stick. Cracks (in the sidewalk). Broke. Rocks. Whoa, big rocks! Kitty cat! Puppy!” She was pointing out anything that could potentially be interesting. I’m sure you’ve been in this boat before too with a young child.

There is something magical about the way a child views the world. Everything they see is new. Everything is worth noticing. Everything is a mystery waiting to be solved. In that 40 minute walk with Alice she helped me notice more things about the area right around my house than I had in the past year. I know it sounds corny, but one of my first thoughts after our walk was, “I hope she doesn’t grow out of her curiosity.”

Often, we lose our curiosity as we get older, and what was once novel becomes a series of patterns that we no longer acknowledge. We do this with things, but we also do this with people. Think of all of the uncharted territory that we could explore that we just don’t take advantage of. Imagine all of the additional information we would seek out and explore if we would be as curious as little kids. Imagine how we would be able to use our curiosity to find new connections and discover new solutions to ever changing problems. Think about all of the patients we could help in the process.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Bonus lesson from Alice: Be you. Yes. That’s my daughter wearing a batgirl outfit with a sparkly dress dragging a stuffed “tick tock croc” (crocodile) on a sled for a walk to the park. Some ask why, but Alice asks, “Why not?” Hopefully she never loses her muchness…