Lessons from being a Dad Part 5 Blankets, True Function, and Value (4-19-17)

Last week was about keeping your eyes open for joy. This week is about learning how to find different kinds of value in people and things. We will explore this by thinking about blankets as they relate to keeping people warm, building forts, and defining value. Overall, this is an entry about me being self-conscious about being valuable, so if you are ever there know you aren’t alone.

When I think of blankets I first think of their function. Therefore, the value of a blanket is its ability to keep you warm. However, kids don’t think about it this way. To my daughters, a blanket can become a way to create a picnic space. A blanket is a play mat for babies. A blanket is also an important construction material for making forts. A blanket can become a super hero cape, dance floor, boat to protect you from the lava, a matador cape, a hammock, etc. When my daughters look at a blanket they value it for more than just its ability to keep you warm.

You might be wondering how this connects with work. I’d like to share a story and then a connection. Let’s rewind to when I just started in my role about 2.5 months ago. People who know me, know that being goofy, offbeat, and constantly making quips and jokes is just what I do. One day I made some joke and one of my teammates gave me a compliment, “I’m glad you’re on the team. You’re bringing the fun factor.” Sounds pretty good right? It’s a really nice thing for someone to say, right? The problem is I’m extremely self-conscious about providing what I have decided is “real value” to the team, so I respond by saying, “Thanks. One day I hope to bring some actual value to the team.” (Jerk ungrateful move on my part). Anyway, he responded, “Yeah, but the fun factor is value. It’s worth something.” That response made me stop and think. I was so fixated on fulfilling what I thought my true function was that I discounted anything else I might have to offer. I basically was saying, “I’m not providing the team any market research insights at this time, so I’m not worth much.”

Now think back to my daughters and blankets. They value the blanket for many reasons beyond just its “true” function. In my story, essentially the guy told me, “You make an awesome fort” and my response was to say, “Blankets aren’t for forts.” The fact is there is value in building forts, because building forts is awesome! There is value in using blankets as boats, capes, play mats, etc. There is value in all of these things as well as the supposed “true” function a thing or a person is supposed to perform. Bottom line: You are a blanket. Yes, you keep people warm, but you do so many other things too. I hope you understand how important all those other things you do are. I hope you know you are valued and loved.

The challenge: Do you see ALL of the value you provide?

Bonus: Give recognition to someone today for the different value they bring to your team and your life.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 4 Keep your Eyes Open for Joy (4-12-17)

Last week was about the darker side of parenting, uber-competitive parents, and staying focused on what matters. This week I want to bring us back to the light side with a focus on keeping our eyes open for joy and wonder.

There is something special about the way young kids view the world. I feel that little kids always have their eyes open looking for magic, joy, and something special. If you want an example of what I’m talking about, just check out the picture. A few Saturdays ago we all went to Menards to check out patio furniture and other things. We were walking down the aisle when Violet saw the safety cones and got excited like she had found a long lost treasure. Before we knew what had happened, she had a new hat and Alice had followed suit. They were then posing and marching in their awesome new attire. When Violet looks at the world, she always sees something worth paying attention to whether it’s the different colors on gas stations to how clouds look like animals.

I don’t know about you, but when I see safety cones, I don’t automatically think hats. It’s sad to say, but I feel as we grow up we slowly lose our ability to always search for joy and wonder. Luckily for me, these two young ladies are helping me see the world as a much more interesting and beautiful place.

You are probably wondering how this connects with work. Every day we work. We see emails, spreadsheets, slides, meetings, people, etc. It’s really easy to just see these things the way they appear to be. It’s really easy to become numb and blind to them. It’s easy to take them for granted. It’s a lot harder to go into these each and every day with eyes that are looking for joy, beauty, magic, and anything else that might be good in this world.

The challenge: As we go through our days do we see the potential for joy in them the way Violet sees the joy in a safety cone? What are some things you’ve seen lately that bring you joy? (Write a list. It always helps me see how beautiful the world can be.)

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 3 The Darker Side of being a Dad (4-5-17)

Last week was about competing vs. collaborating as it applies to my daughters. This week I want to look at the darker side of being a dad. Of course I’m talking about when parents unnecessarily compete against each other through their kids. As we reflect this week, I want us to ask ourselves, “What really matters?”

I never knew how crazy competitive people could be until I had kids. The very moment we had our first child, people started coming out of the woodwork. The conversation basically starts with “Perfect Parent” saying, “I and/or my kid is doing A, B, and C, and if you aren’t doing those things you are a horrible parent or something is wrong with your kid.” This applies to everything; even things I didn’t realize you could compete on. For example, Perfect Parent would say that if you don’t breast feed you are a horrible mom. Perfect Parent would want you to know that if your children aren’t eating all vegan all the time, then they are less than human. Perfect Parent likes to remind dads that if their kids aren’t in the perfect outfit they are horrible fathers. Perfect Parent wants you to know that their kid is involved in 50 activities and is too busy for non-value add activities like playing. Perfect Parent likes to remind you that their kid is reading novels at age 5, and if your kid isn’t they are doomed to a horrible life. Perfect Parent continues to do this with their child of all ages.

If you don’t have kids, you’re probably thinking the above paragraph was really stupid. If you do have kids, you’re probably thinking, “Yep, that’s my experience.” I’ve found that it’s easy to get swept up in all of this and start feeling like a horrible person who is ruining your child’s life because you aren’t doing “the right thing” or are not pushing them to do a million things. Here’s the truth though. 99% of all that stuff, doesn’t matter. If we are honest with ourselves, most of the time it’s parents focusing on stuff that in the grand scheme of things doesn’t matter in order to make themselves feel good. In order to make sure I don’t get lost in this stuff as a dad, I need to start by deciding what’s really important. For me there are 3 things I care about with regards to my kids: their health, them being good strong people (loving, generous, kind, thoughtful, independent, etc.), and them having grit/tenacity. Those are the things I care about and the things I work on with my kids. If your kid is a better reader or is smarter, that’s fine. I’m happy for you and them. At the same time, I’m not competing. I’m not sitting around comparing my kids to yours. I don’t need to get bent out of shape about those things. My thought is that if my girls grow up and all they are is healthy, good strong people, and tenacious they will be pretty good people and I will have done my job as a parent.

Making connections. Even if you don’t have kids, you’ve probably seen this play out in different places. It’s easy at work for “Perfect Employee” to say, “You should be doing X, Y, and Z exactly like me or you’re not good.” It’s easy to look around at others and say, “I need to be just like them and doing their things.” On top of this, there are people throughout this company that are smarter than me, more talented than me, at a higher level than me, etc. I don’t need to drive myself crazy competing with them. Instead, I can be happy for them and focus on me and what I need to do. Similar to being a dad, I’d argue the first thing we need to do is decide what is important, because a lot of that is stuff that just doesn’t matter. What’s important to you depends on what you value and what your goals are.

The challenge: Are you getting lost in a competitive environment or are you focusing on the things that are really important?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 1 Reinforcing your “Youness” (3-22-17)

This week I’d like to kick off a new series focused on lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad. In case you don’t know I have two girls, Alice (almost 5) and Violet (3). They’ve taught me so much more than I’ll ever teach them. This week is about reinforcing the “youness” of others. “Youness” is a phrase I’m stealing from Lilly colleague Tony Brazelton and means “the stuff that makes you you.”

If you talk to Alice for any period of time she will boldly claim that she’s going to be scientist/inventor when she grows up. This is part of her youness, part of what makes her light up, makes her tick, drives her, etc. She considers this to be part of who she is. For Christmas her favorite gift was a scientist lab coat. See epic proud face. The best day in her life so far was the day when she realized that mixing baking soda and vinegar created a volcano like explosion. When we want to get her to try new foods we tell her that she’s conducting research and that we will record her findings and she tries stuff right away (#parentingwin). This is heartwarming, but here’s the thing, I know that as she gets older she will receive pressure in various ways that will discourage her from wanting to get into science because of the fact that she is a girl.

As a dad I want to help her with this pressure. My thought is that I can do this in two ways. First, I need to reinforce her youness with her. I make sure I reinforce and praise who she is by saying stuff like, “Alice, you are a scientist. You are smart. You are curious. Do you know what scientists do? They test their ideas, they fail, and they try over and over again. That’s you. You are a scientist, and that is one of the things that makes you awesome.” Besides reinforcing her youness with her, I can reinforce her youness with others. One small example comes from family members who want to buy her gifts for her birthday or Christmas. Many of them assume that she’s really into dolls, because she’s a young girl. I take the time to explain to them that dolls aren’t really her. Then I try to reinforce what Alice is about by explaining that Alice is all about science, exploring, building, and figuring stuff out. I tell them to think science kits, magnets, legos, etc. This act helps them see Alice for who she is and what she has to offer.

What does this have to do with work? We all have our own youness. At the same time, the world may not always appreciate our youness. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt that what makes you you just isn’t appreciated? On the flip side, how did you feel when people saw and reinforced your youness with you and others? Reinforcing somebody’s youness doesn’t take a lot. Often it just takes a few words at the right time.

Here’s a story from a previous role of a leader who reinforced a new teammate’s youness in a group setting. I was in a meeting and it was the first time the team was coming together. We had a new teammate, Susie (fake name real story) who had come to us from a brand that had fallen through. If you know Susie, you know that Susie cares incredibly deeply for people. It is part of what makes her her. As Susie talked about her previous experience on that brand she talked about how big of a difference she thought they were going to be able to make in the lives of patients. You could see that she truly cared for these people and that she was crushed things had not gone better. As she tells the story, she starts crying a little bit. Her crying created that moment (some would call it awkward) where everyone is silent. Susie starts apologizing for being emotional and the leader says something like, “No need to apologize. I see you. I see your passion. I see how much you care for people. I need that. We need that. I hope you bring that with you to our team.” The leader could have ignored it. The leader could have just said, “It’s okay” and brushed off the emotion with some other statement. Instead, the leader reinforced Susie’s “youness” with the team and Susie in a few simple statements that went a long way. You could tell the leader’s few words had a powerful impact on Susie and also on the rest of the team. A simple and profound leadership lesson I’ll remember. I left that meeting saying, “I want to be like that leader when I grow up.”

Challenge: Are you reinforcing the “youness” of others? Bonus->Take the time to reinforce the youness of someone today.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Fixed vs. Growth Mindset and Parenting (1-18-17)

Last week was about mindsets and confidence. This week we will explore having a fixed vs. a growth mindset. The inspiration comes the work Carol Dweck has done in this space. Click HERE for Carol’s TED talk on the subject.

Carol’s premise is that you can either have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. If you have a fixed mindset you believe that things like talent and intelligence are pre-determined, and you will tend to avoid challenges, because failure is something you can’t do anything about since your skills are fixed. If you have a growth mindset you realize that you have a baseline of talent and intelligence, but you know these can be enhanced. If you have this mindset you view failure as an opportunity to learn and improve.

Connection to parenting-> My wife and I are trying to raise kids with a growth mindset. You’d assume that all we would need to do is praise our girls and tell them they can do anything. This is only a small part. The big part is celebrating the grind with them and what the grind has enabled them to do. For example, my youngest, Violet, will turn 3 over the weekend. She is behind with her speech. As Violet makes progress we praise her for that, and we also say, “I’m so proud of how hard you’ve been working on your words. Good job working on your flashcards. You’re hard work is helping you do better.” We don’t always do it, but we are trying to be intentional about celebrating the grind and how that leads to the result. We believe that if we continually do this we will foster a growth mindset, a mindset in which our girls will grow up and say, “I can’t do that yet, BUT I will figure out how!” Take that growth mindset and add in some grit and some sass, and you’ll have two strong Embry ladies ready to take on the world.

Work connection. I see two different ways this can connect with work. The first connection is to your personal mindset. Do you have a fixed or a growth mindset? Be honest. Here is where I’m supposed to tell you that I’m some wise sage who always believes in myself and always has this sunny outlook that I can grind it out and improve. I’d be lying if I said that. I have times where I’m like, “Forget it. I can’t do that garbage!” (That’s my maturity right there). The second connection is what are you doing to create a growth mindset for others around you? What are you saying and/or doing to get others to see their potential for growth? Are you praising them for going through the process like you praise them for the result? Are you helping them see how they messiness and pain they are going through now is making them better? If you can connect those dots for people they will be more likely to embrace a growth mindset. They will be more likely to say, “I can’t do that yet, BUT I will figure out how.”

The challenge: What are you doing to create a growth mindset for yourself and the others around you?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 6 Building Bridges between Towers (3-16-16)

This will be the last in the series about lessons I’ve learned from my daughters. We’ve talked about celebrating first steps, recognizing each other, showing appreciation, overcoming obstacles, and saying “Yes!…and” to invisible bull fights. I want to end this series by talking about a different game I play with Alice that is all about connecting people.

One of Alice’s favorite games is called Camelot Junior. It’s a puzzle game you play with wooden blocks. You use those wooden blocks to build bridges to connect two characters. Each puzzle starts with you setting up the knight and princess on two separate towers. Then you use blocks to build a bridge, so the two characters can meet in the middle. In our house, the characters meet in the middle to talk about really important stuff like dragons, saving the kingdom from bad guys, and dance moves.

After you connect the two characters you move to the next challenge. The game comes with an instruction book that tells you how to set up different puzzles and which blocks you are allowed to use to build the bridge in each situation. As you progress throughout the game, connecting the characters becomes more and more difficult as the characters are placed further apart and you have to use blocks in new and creative ways to build the bridge.

What does this have to do with anything? Much like the game, life is about building bridges between two people, so they can connect in the middle. Depending on the two people and their backgrounds, they might start out really close together or they could be really far apart. In the grand scheme of things, the distance between the two people doesn’t matter. What matters is whether or not you are willing to try to bridge that gap. All that matters is whether or not you are willing and able to find the right blocks to start building a bridge to connect with other people. Are you willing to take the first step and begin building the bridge? Are you willing to put in the time to understand others, so you can find new blocks that will connect you with each other?

The challenge: How are you building a bridge between you and the people around you?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 5 Obstacles and Invisible Bullfights (3-9-16)

Last week was a story about Violet and her determination to overcome obstacles to get cookies. This week we’ll explore how we can be the obstacles that get in way of greatness.

A few weeks ago my family had just finished dinner when Alice said, “I have an idea! Let’s have a bullfight.” What would you do in that situation? You might have said no. You might have hesitated, because that seemed weird. You might have been afraid of trying something new. Maybe you didn’t have the energy. You might have tried to rationalize why that may not be a good idea. Me and my wife looked at each other and said, “Yes!…and we’ll use the blankets as matador capes!”

We turned on some music, and then the bullfight began. There were flurries of blankets, flourishes, and smooth moves. It started with Alice and Violet being the bulls, and we had to catch them. Then, out of nowhere Alice said, the bull is invisible, and Diane (my wife) and I said, “Yes… and we all need to catch him!” The invisible bull was everywhere. It got me and my wife. Alice had to save Violet and Violet had to save Alice a million times. We went running through the house jumping over couch cushions, using chairs to block the bull, and fighting it with our matador/ninja skills. At one point my wife became a T-rex and Alice was riding her to catch the bull (see pic). It was intense and crazy amounts of fun.

So what does fighting an imaginary invisible bull have to do with YOU being an obstacle? When people come to you with new ideas, how do you respond? Are you the obstacle? Do you say no, do you hesitate, or do you give them the green light to keep sharing and exploring? Besides people coming to you with ideas, are you your own obstacle when you have ideas? When you dream big things, how do you respond? Do you allow fear, skepticism, or feeling tired get in the way? Do you press on and keep exploring?

When Alice asked if we wanted to have a bullfight, we could have told Alice no, because her idea was weird. If I did that to her over and over again sooner or later, she’d stop sharing ideas. Instead, we said, “Yes, and…” we evolved with the game. Imagination takes time to grow, so if you crush new ideas in the beginning you never have the opportunity to harvest their spectacular fruit.

The challenge: Will you say, “Yes, and…” to the next invisible bullfight that comes your way?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 4 What if we unlearned that obstacles should stop us? (3-2-16)

We’ve talked about recognition and appreciation, so now it’s time to switch gears to talk about determination. This is one of my favorite pictures of Violet. This is her, “Nothing is going to stop me!” look.

Since she was born, Violet has been strong, ornery, and stubborn. (Where did those traits come from?) I believe these super powers of hers are magnified by the fact that she’s a toddler. If you ever want to see true focused “you can’t stop me” determination, you should try to put obstacles in a toddler’s way. I don’t think that toddlers understand the fact that obstacles are supposed to slow them down or stop them. I think this is something they learn over time. Instead of being limited by obstacles, they are so focused on achieving their goal that they just power through.

For example, the other day Violet wanted some cookies. We told her no and put them on the kitchen island out of her reach. We thought that would end the situation. We were wrong. We were playing and all of a sudden we realize Violet had snuck away. Violet had moved a kitchen chair and a bar stool to the island. We watched as she got onto the kitchen chair to climb on the bar stool to get on top of the island. She smiled to herself as she opened up the tub of cookies and grabbed one. I’m not sure this was the best parenting move, but I let her have the cookie. I had way too much appreciation for the determination and problem solving 😉

This is one example. She has figured out baby gates, childproof locks, etc. In each of these instances, Violet could have looked at the obstacle, decided it would be too hard to overcome, and gave up. However, she doesn’t know what an obstacle is, so she doesn’t know it’s supposed to stop her. Instead, she views the obstacle as something she’ll have to power through to get to her goal.

What would happen if we started to look at obstacles like Violet? What if we unlearned the fact that obstacles are supposed to stop us? How would that change the way you worked and lived your life?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 3 The Power of Appreciation (2-24-16)

Last week we talked about recognition and this week we’ll think about appreciation by sharing some pictures I came across on my phone from Christmas.

When I came back to work after holiday break people often asked me how my holidays were. I always told them they were amazing. I loved unplugging from work, getting caught up on sleep, and binge watching some TV shows. Most of all, I loved the Christmas I had with my family. This was by far the best Christmas I’ve ever had.

You might be wondering what was so special. Take a look at the pictures. Look at their faces. Look at the joy and appreciation. That’s why this was the best Christmas ever! Both girls are at a perfect age where they truly appreciated and cherished the gifts they were given. They did these things with such sincerity that I couldn’t help but smile. In the grand scheme of things, the gifts they received were not extravagant. Alice is clutching a maze activity book that probably cost $1. Violet is enthralled with a Little Einstein’s book that might have been $5. It wasn’t the gift that made them smile as much as it was the appreciation that someone cared about them so much that they got them something they would enjoy. I hope they never grow out of this stage.

When was the last time you felt and showed such appreciation? Maybe a family member did something special for you. Maybe a friend gave you a call to check up on you. Maybe a co-worker gave you a pat on the back for a job done well. There have been a lot of things going on in life right now that continue to confirm how precious life, family, and friends really are. How are you showing appreciation for these people and things that make life worth living?

The challenge: Show someone how much you appreciate them this week. Clutch onto life the way Alice holds her maze book and smile as you peruse through life’s pages the way Violet does as she searches for Rocket.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 2 Legos and Recognition (2-17-16)

Last week was a story about recognizing progress. This week is a different recognition story. The other day the girls and I were playing with Legos while my wife was out of the house with some friends. Whenever Alice builds something she thinks is really cool we put it up on the island in our kitchen so she can show her mom later. When we show my wife, Alice gets so excited, and it gives us a chance as parents to encourage her for her creativity, imagination, and the stories she tells.

The picture is of Alice with some Lego creations. Notice that I didn’t say HER Lego creations. She built the tower thing on the left, but the other things you see are things that I built with Violet. Violet and I had just finished building “Dinosaur Truck Tower” and “Helicopter Friend” (Alice’s names for the things) when Alice rushed over and said, “Daddy, these are beautiful. Can I put them on the island to show mommy? She’ll be so proud of you and Violet.”

Alice wasn’t jealous. Alice wasn’t worried that if her mom saw our cool stuff that she’d think Alice’s creations weren’t great. Instead, she was so proud of the work her sister and I did that she wanted to share it with her mom.

Think about our work. We often talk about the need for reward and recognition. We often wait for a boss or someone higher up to notice us. Instead of waiting, why don’t we lift each other up to be seen? How often do you get so excited about the work of your peers that you make the effort to make sure the boss notices them? How do you take their work and put it on your “kitchen island” so everyone else can see what you think is beautiful?

The Challenge: Show someone a peer’s “Lego creation” this week. Show them the beautiful colors, the thought that went into building it. Show them that you are noticing them and you care enough about them that you want to share them and their success with the world.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry