Lessons from Being a Dad Part 5 Band-aids, Bumps, Bruises, and Mistakes (7-11-18)

I hope you had a wonderful holiday! Last week was about intentionally building an environment. This week is about bumps, bruises, cuts, and responding to minor injuries/mistakes.

One of the things that fascinates me about little kids is how often they hurt themselves. They are always running into something, falling off something, scraping an elbow or a knee, bumping their head, etc. Often what happens is that they do something that hurts them and it makes them scared. Being scared causes them to freak out more than necessary. Think about the kid who is wailing like she’s dying and you go over to realize she just has a knee scrape. That kid is my daughters.

When my daughters get hurt, I’ve found that I can’t just instantly brush away their pain. First, I acknowledge their pain, and then I assess the situation to determine how bad the injury is. I reassure them that they are fine, and I get them a Band-Aid or an ice pack if they need it. Then, I encourage them to go play again. 99% of the time, within 5 seconds of playing they forget about the bump/scratch/scrape and within a couple of days that spot has completely healed. (Their healing abilities are amazing. I swear kids are like little Wolverines. Bonus points if you get that joke. I personally thought it was “claw”esome. See what I did there?)

You might be wondering what this has to do with work. While we may not injure ourselves on a regular basis by falling off playground or anything, we do make mistakes sometimes. Mistakes can hurt. I don’t know about you, but I can be way too harsh on myself when I make mistakes, especially if my mistake impacts other people. If I screw up something that affects only me, I don’t care. The moment I feel it influences other people and their work, I feel horrible and those things eat me up for days.. Much like my girls overreacting to a scraped knee like they are dying, I overreact to my mistakes like they have somehow doomed the people I’m working with and my own career.

It’s during these times when I’m allowing a mistake to eat me up that I need perspective. Yes, making a mistake hurts and sucks, but just like my girls when they scrape their elbows, it’s not the end of the world. I need to get better at realizing that in 99% of cases, the mistakes I make will heal in a couple of days, and that I just need to slap a Band-Aid on and get back to work. Also, when I can’t find that perspective myself, sometimes I need a colleague to help me gain that perspective. During these times a simple, “Dude, yes you made a mistake. Does it kind of suck? Yes. In the grand scheme of things with everything you’ve done and the equity you’ve built up over time, does it matter? No. Nobody thinks you’re a moron. Nobody thinks you’re incompetent. Let go and move on,” can be the words I need to realize it’s just a scratch that will heal on its own..

The challenge: Are you keeping perspective when you make mistakes? Are you helping others keep perspective when they make mistakes?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 4 Art Supplies and Intentionally Creating an Environment (7-2-18)

This blog is coming early due to the 4^th of July holiday. Last week was about bicycles, training wheels, and jealousy. This week is about intentionally building a culture/environment. Let’s start by sharing some seemingly unrelated things.

During vacation we were eating at a Dave and Busters. Alice was building a sculpture using condiments, salt, pepper, and silverware. As she built the sculpture she put the salt upside down, spilling salt everywhere. I responded by saying, “We need to clean up the salt. Remember the salt comes out from the top, so you can’t put it upside down when you build.” Alice helped clean up the salt, and continued building.
We have a wall in our house where guests put their handprints, a wall covered in artwork, and art supplies always accessible.
At dinner we play the question game. It’s a metaphor game. “If your day was a ________. What would it be and why?” With my girls that blank is filled in with everything from colors, types of cats, body parts, Rescue Bot (Transformer character), sounds, food, or any other weird thing they can think of.

While these things may appear to be random, they are very much connected. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned as a parent is that my wife and I are in charge of creating the environment that will help our children flourish. It is our choices and actions that create this environment. Everything above is an example that shows how my wife and I value creative thinking and expression, so we make conscious efforts to create an environment where that can happen. That means, when Alice makes a mess in a restaurant when she’s building something, I don’t freak out about it. Instead, we clean up and get back to building. It means that we have art on the walls as a way to show we value it. It means that they always have access to art supplies and legos, so they can easily create. It means that we play the question game, which serves to encourage creative connection making. Doing all of these things creates an environment where creativity can flourish.

You might be wondering what this has to do with work. Think about all the time we spend talking about culture. Now ask yourself. How often do we take the necessary actions to create an environment where that culture will flourish? For example, if we want to be fast, what are we doing to create an environment where we can move fast? In my experience, we often say we want to move fast, but then get upset when things are fast but not perfect. That immediately kills speed. Another example, we talk about wanting to have open and honest debate. How often is the environment conducive to this? I’ve found that many times it isn’t. Many times we don’t have the foundation of trust and respect to have meaningful disagreement. Maybe it’s because the highest ranking person quickly shuts down ideas that are not their own. Maybe it’s because people don’t do a good job listening to other points of view. The result is, the culture of dissent is never created.

It’s up to all of us to create the environment in which we want to work. It’s up to us to surround ourselves with art supplies (the right resources). It’s up to us to hang artwork on the wall (officially recognize what we say we value). It’s up to us to help clean up the salt from a restaurant sculpture and get back to building (instead of destroying the thing we are trying to create by responding with lots of undue negativity to a mistake or messiness). It’s up to us to set the tone that creates the environment that allows a culture and people to flourish.

The challenge: How are you creating the environment you want to work in? Have a great 4^th of July!

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 3 Bikes, Training Wheels, and Jealousy (6-27-18)

I’m back from vacation and I hope you all had a great week. Last time we talked about Alice, creative vision, and The Love Robot. This week is about bike riding and jealousy. Alice is great in a lot of different ways, but coordination is not her strong suit. She’s often anxious about riding her bike even with training wheels. A few weeks ago, her best friend began riding her bike without training wheels. When Alice saw this, she was devastated. She was angry, embarrassed, sad, and jealous. Alice kept saying things like “I’m the only one on the block who can’t ride a bike without training wheels. Everyone will think I’m stupid. Why can’t I do it? There are kids younger than me that can do it. Everyone will think I’m a baby. I’m such a loser! Everyone thinks I’m dumb!”

My wife and I tried to talk to her about this. We tried to explain that people learn things at different speeds. We talked about how everyone has strengths and weaknesses. We talked about how some people will always have it better than her and some will always have it worse than her. We talked about how she had a lot of things that made her special, but she was convinced those didn’t matter since she was unable to ride a bike without training wheels. It took a long time for Alice to get out of her emotional funk and begin to realize that jealousy wasn’t the answer and wasn’t helping. All Alice can do is try to be the best Alice she can be.

You might be wondering what this has to do with work and life. While I was in the middle of trying to talk about this with Alice, I realized that I often feel very similar. I look at people and decide that they have it “better” in some way, and I feel angry, embarrassed, sad, bitter, and jealous. Do you ever feel like this?

Here is how it often plays out in my mind.

“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do X just like Susie? I bet if I did, I’d be better off. I’m good at Y, but nobody cares about Y.”
“Sally is so much smarter than I am. I’m an idiot.”
“Why can’t I be good enough to be in Y role like Bob? People probably look at me and say, ‘If he was any good he would already be doing ABC at this point in his career. He’s not reaching his potential.’ I’m such a failure.”
“I wish I had his life. He has a better ________ (house/car/life/situation he’s in).”

It’s easy for me to get trapped in these thought circles. It’s easy to get lost in these negative spirals that convince me I’m a loser. As I was talking Alice through her feelings and the reality of the situation I realized what I told her applies to me too. Things happen at different times for different people for different reasons. Some people will just have it better and some will have it worse. Some people are going to be more talented than I am. No matter what, I have my own strengths and things that make me special. At the end of the day, the jealousy, the pain, the bitterness doesn’t help. All I can do is try to be the best Andrew I can be.

The challenge: Are you getting lost in jealousy? How can you be the best you that you can be?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 2 Alice, Imagination, Vision, and the Love Robot (6-13-18)

Last week we kicked off a series on lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. We started with Violet, persistence, and her relentless quest for cookies. This week I want us to reflect on Alice, imagination, vision, and the creation of the Love Robot.

At my house we have an invention box. Essentially, the invention box contains stuff that could be recycled. My daughters rummage through the invention box from time to time to create things. Back in February, Alice needed to have a container for school that could hold valentines. She went over to the invention box. Most people would have seen a collection of junk. Most people would have seen an empty shoe box, caps to water bottles, leftover ribbon, and some cardboard. Alice saw those individual parts, but she also saw something greater. She saw potential. She took the time to pause and imagine until she had the vision to realize that with some paint and assembly those things could become the Love Robot. See the picture.

You might be wondering what this has to do with work. The above story is about Alice having the creative vision to see and then bring to life potential. She was able to look at things in a different way and then use them to create something greater than the sum of its parts. Kids do stuff like this all the time, and the sad part is I feel that we often lose this as we get older.

Think about our work for a moment. We have so much more potential to leverage our imaginations and vision on the things we work on every day. We also have a huge opportunity to use our imagination and vision to see the best in each other, so we can build each other up to reach greatness. While we have these opportunities, we don’t always take advantage of them. I’m not sure why we lose this imaginative vision, but we do. Maybe it’s the projects we are working on. Maybe we get too busy and lose the ability to daydream. Maybe we keep looking at the problem from the same angle over and over and over again, so we miss seeing what we COULD do, if we were willing to trying something different. Maybe we get too tired from running into walls, so we give up on imagining what we COULD do, if we pushed a little harder. Maybe we look at the people around us in the same way so often that we lose sight of who they COULD be, if they only had a little nudge of support.

Here is to being more like Alice, to being able to see beauty and potential in all people and things. Here’s to having hands that make that imaginative vision a reality. The challenge: What do you see when you look at the work and the people around you?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 1 Violet, Persistence, and the Quest for Tasty Treats (6-6-18)

This week we will kick of a new series on lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. This week we will focus on persistence by looking at Violet’s quest for tasty treats.

Violet (4) is my tenacious negotiator. She doesn’t understand what the phrase “give up” means. I’ll share this story as an example. It was 7am on a Saturday and Violet asked if she could have a cookie. I told her no. That wouldn’t stop her. She climbs onto me, snuggles up as close as she can and says, “Daddy, I love you. Can I have a cookie please?” Now, grandparents would fall for this, especially my dad, because my girls have him wrapped around their fingers. However, I’ve learned to harden my heart. I tell her that we aren’t having cookies this early in the morning and she hasn’t even had breakfast. Violet then starts the negotiations, “I understand I need to eat breakfast to get strong muscles. After breakfast can I have a cookie?” I tell her no. This goes back and forth for a few minutes and then she decides to try a new tactic. She then asks, “How about some chocolate chips?” The answer is still no.

I think she’s finally given up, because she starts playing with Alice (6). They are throwing a surprise birthday party for BB-8 (Star Wars droid). All of a sudden, Violet runs up to me and says, “Daddy, there’s a problem. We’re planning a surprise birthday party for BB-8. He’s at the door now. We need a distraction, or he will come in and ruin the surprise.”

I respond with, “Really?” She shoots back, “I have a plan. Give me a cookie to give to him, so he doesn’t ruin the party.” I give her a an imaginary cookie. Without missing a beat Violet says, “Everyone knows that’s a fake cookie. That won’t work. I need a real one for the plan.” I look at her and say, “Violet, I know this game. If I give you the cookie you’re just going to eat it.” Violet says, “Yeah…” I then look at her and say, “You’re lucky I reward creativity and honesty,” and I give her part of a cookie. Violet struts away victorious. I’ll admit, she wore me down and I figure if someone is willing to work that hard to get a cookie they deserve something.

How does this connect to work? I don’t know about you, but I feel like there are barriers everywhere. There is always a road block, a kink in a process, a person saying, “No.” We hear some version of “No” so often that it becomes easy to become beaten down by this. It becomes easy to stop pressing forward. In Violet’s case, she has set her mind on getting a cookie. Once Violet sets her mind on something, she is relentless. She doesn’t accept no. Instead, she negotiates. When the initial negotiation fails, so she reassesses her tactics and tries again. She does this over and over and over again until she finally reaches her goals. I think we could learn a lot from her persistence, especially since our work is so much more noble than eating cookies.

The challenge: What do you do when you run into a barrier? Do you stop with the initial, “No,” or do you negotiate, renegotiate, search for different perspectives, look into different trade-offs, and find a way to reach your goal? (If you ever get too desperate you could throw a surprise birthday party for your imaginary friend as a diversion tactic. I hear that’s effective…)

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 6 Small Things Transform Moments (4-26-17)

Last week was about the different kinds of value a blanket can bring. Here is one of my favorite responses to last week’s blog from one of my favorite folks here at Lilly, “Essentially being a blanket that the team needs, is a sign of great leadership. Providing value in your role will be your baseline expectation. Making an impact to the team will help to demonstrate the leader you’re capable of becoming.” As you reflect on that tasty morsel we will stick with blankets this week and think about how we can turn a normal occurrence into something special by doing something small.

The picture is from Violet’s birthday. Normally, we eat lunch at a table together, but it was Violet’s birthday and we wanted to do something a little different for lunch before her party. She loves picnics, but it was too cold outside, so instead we decided to put down a blanket and put on her favorite cartoon and we instantly had a cartoon party picnic. Pretty awesome right? I can tell you wish you could have a cartoon party picnic at work.

In the above instance we took an experience and made it even better by doing something small. We took an old blanket, put it on the ground, and instantly transformed the living room into something more.

How does this connect with work? If you think about what we ultimately do, we create experiences for people. We create experiences for the patients we serve and we also create experiences as we work with each other. In both cases, it’s easy to think that the only way we can have an impact is through some large gesture. Don’t get me wrong, large gestures are nice, but they aren’t always feasible or necessary. Often, it’s the small things that can transform one thing into a much better experience.

As you think of the patients we serve, what small things can you do to make their experience better? Do they always need something with lots of bells and whistles? Maybe they need something smaller and more practical. Something as simple as going the extra step to make sure that the materials they receive are simple and easy to understand. Maybe it’s something like the packaging or delivery device.

As you think of working with each other, what small things can you do to make the experience better? Maybe it’s as simple as sending a meme about being awesome vs. just sending a “great job” generic email. Maybe it’s as simple as saying, “I saw this and it reminded me of you,” to let them know you care. Maybe it’s just a kind word and a high five. Maybe it’s a hand-written note (I actually keep all of the ones I receive and I even reread them when I have crappy days. I know. Sappy. But if you’ve ever given me a handwritten note know I’ve got more value out of it then you will ever realize.)

The challenge: Are you doing the small things that can make a big difference?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 5 Blankets, True Function, and Value (4-19-17)

Last week was about keeping your eyes open for joy. This week is about learning how to find different kinds of value in people and things. We will explore this by thinking about blankets as they relate to keeping people warm, building forts, and defining value. Overall, this is an entry about me being self-conscious about being valuable, so if you are ever there know you aren’t alone.

When I think of blankets I first think of their function. Therefore, the value of a blanket is its ability to keep you warm. However, kids don’t think about it this way. To my daughters, a blanket can become a way to create a picnic space. A blanket is a play mat for babies. A blanket is also an important construction material for making forts. A blanket can become a super hero cape, dance floor, boat to protect you from the lava, a matador cape, a hammock, etc. When my daughters look at a blanket they value it for more than just its ability to keep you warm.

You might be wondering how this connects with work. I’d like to share a story and then a connection. Let’s rewind to when I just started in my role about 2.5 months ago. People who know me, know that being goofy, offbeat, and constantly making quips and jokes is just what I do. One day I made some joke and one of my teammates gave me a compliment, “I’m glad you’re on the team. You’re bringing the fun factor.” Sounds pretty good right? It’s a really nice thing for someone to say, right? The problem is I’m extremely self-conscious about providing what I have decided is “real value” to the team, so I respond by saying, “Thanks. One day I hope to bring some actual value to the team.” (Jerk ungrateful move on my part). Anyway, he responded, “Yeah, but the fun factor is value. It’s worth something.” That response made me stop and think. I was so fixated on fulfilling what I thought my true function was that I discounted anything else I might have to offer. I basically was saying, “I’m not providing the team any market research insights at this time, so I’m not worth much.”

Now think back to my daughters and blankets. They value the blanket for many reasons beyond just its “true” function. In my story, essentially the guy told me, “You make an awesome fort” and my response was to say, “Blankets aren’t for forts.” The fact is there is value in building forts, because building forts is awesome! There is value in using blankets as boats, capes, play mats, etc. There is value in all of these things as well as the supposed “true” function a thing or a person is supposed to perform. Bottom line: You are a blanket. Yes, you keep people warm, but you do so many other things too. I hope you understand how important all those other things you do are. I hope you know you are valued and loved.

The challenge: Do you see ALL of the value you provide?

Bonus: Give recognition to someone today for the different value they bring to your team and your life.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 4 Keep your Eyes Open for Joy (4-12-17)

Last week was about the darker side of parenting, uber-competitive parents, and staying focused on what matters. This week I want to bring us back to the light side with a focus on keeping our eyes open for joy and wonder.

There is something special about the way young kids view the world. I feel that little kids always have their eyes open looking for magic, joy, and something special. If you want an example of what I’m talking about, just check out the picture. A few Saturdays ago we all went to Menards to check out patio furniture and other things. We were walking down the aisle when Violet saw the safety cones and got excited like she had found a long lost treasure. Before we knew what had happened, she had a new hat and Alice had followed suit. They were then posing and marching in their awesome new attire. When Violet looks at the world, she always sees something worth paying attention to whether it’s the different colors on gas stations to how clouds look like animals.

I don’t know about you, but when I see safety cones, I don’t automatically think hats. It’s sad to say, but I feel as we grow up we slowly lose our ability to always search for joy and wonder. Luckily for me, these two young ladies are helping me see the world as a much more interesting and beautiful place.

You are probably wondering how this connects with work. Every day we work. We see emails, spreadsheets, slides, meetings, people, etc. It’s really easy to just see these things the way they appear to be. It’s really easy to become numb and blind to them. It’s easy to take them for granted. It’s a lot harder to go into these each and every day with eyes that are looking for joy, beauty, magic, and anything else that might be good in this world.

The challenge: As we go through our days do we see the potential for joy in them the way Violet sees the joy in a safety cone? What are some things you’ve seen lately that bring you joy? (Write a list. It always helps me see how beautiful the world can be.)

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 3 The Darker Side of being a Dad (4-5-17)

Last week was about competing vs. collaborating as it applies to my daughters. This week I want to look at the darker side of being a dad. Of course I’m talking about when parents unnecessarily compete against each other through their kids. As we reflect this week, I want us to ask ourselves, “What really matters?”

I never knew how crazy competitive people could be until I had kids. The very moment we had our first child, people started coming out of the woodwork. The conversation basically starts with “Perfect Parent” saying, “I and/or my kid is doing A, B, and C, and if you aren’t doing those things you are a horrible parent or something is wrong with your kid.” This applies to everything; even things I didn’t realize you could compete on. For example, Perfect Parent would say that if you don’t breast feed you are a horrible mom. Perfect Parent would want you to know that if your children aren’t eating all vegan all the time, then they are less than human. Perfect Parent likes to remind dads that if their kids aren’t in the perfect outfit they are horrible fathers. Perfect Parent wants you to know that their kid is involved in 50 activities and is too busy for non-value add activities like playing. Perfect Parent likes to remind you that their kid is reading novels at age 5, and if your kid isn’t they are doomed to a horrible life. Perfect Parent continues to do this with their child of all ages.

If you don’t have kids, you’re probably thinking the above paragraph was really stupid. If you do have kids, you’re probably thinking, “Yep, that’s my experience.” I’ve found that it’s easy to get swept up in all of this and start feeling like a horrible person who is ruining your child’s life because you aren’t doing “the right thing” or are not pushing them to do a million things. Here’s the truth though. 99% of all that stuff, doesn’t matter. If we are honest with ourselves, most of the time it’s parents focusing on stuff that in the grand scheme of things doesn’t matter in order to make themselves feel good. In order to make sure I don’t get lost in this stuff as a dad, I need to start by deciding what’s really important. For me there are 3 things I care about with regards to my kids: their health, them being good strong people (loving, generous, kind, thoughtful, independent, etc.), and them having grit/tenacity. Those are the things I care about and the things I work on with my kids. If your kid is a better reader or is smarter, that’s fine. I’m happy for you and them. At the same time, I’m not competing. I’m not sitting around comparing my kids to yours. I don’t need to get bent out of shape about those things. My thought is that if my girls grow up and all they are is healthy, good strong people, and tenacious they will be pretty good people and I will have done my job as a parent.

Making connections. Even if you don’t have kids, you’ve probably seen this play out in different places. It’s easy at work for “Perfect Employee” to say, “You should be doing X, Y, and Z exactly like me or you’re not good.” It’s easy to look around at others and say, “I need to be just like them and doing their things.” On top of this, there are people throughout this company that are smarter than me, more talented than me, at a higher level than me, etc. I don’t need to drive myself crazy competing with them. Instead, I can be happy for them and focus on me and what I need to do. Similar to being a dad, I’d argue the first thing we need to do is decide what is important, because a lot of that is stuff that just doesn’t matter. What’s important to you depends on what you value and what your goals are.

The challenge: Are you getting lost in a competitive environment or are you focusing on the things that are really important?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 2 You are on the same team (3-29-17)

Last week was about reinforcing the “youness” of someone else. This week is about competing vs. collaborating. Competing plays out in a few ways at my house. One way, Alice gets in trouble and then Violet comes over to remind me that she “Makes good choices and Alice makes bad choices.” Another way is Violet sings a song and then Alice gets jealous and starts trying to sing over Violet. The final way is that one of the girls goes out of their way to make sure they are noticed more than their sister.

When I see these competitive behaviors, I know that it’s not always malicious (but sometimes it is). When we see this behavior, my wife and I always tell our girls the same thing. “You two are not competing. You are sisters. You are on the same team. It’s your job to look out for and help each other out.” Sometimes when we have this conversation it’s like talking to two brick walls. Sure they might not be fighting, but they are still working alone instead of together. In this case, not much changes. Sometimes though, on lucky days, when you can find rainbows, leprechauns, and unicorns we see small breakthroughs. These are the days when Alice gets something for her sister that Violet can’t reach. These are the days when Violet comes to tell us that Alice did something nice for her. These are the days when Alice comes and tells us how great Violet is doing with her speech. These are the days that melt my heart, the days when they are working together, holding each other up, and making sure their sister receives some love and recognition.

You are probably seeing some of the work connections already. It’s easy to laugh at the stories of my girls competing. It’s easy to laugh at Alice trying to sing louder than Violet or Violet telling us that she makes good choices, while Alice makes bad choices. It’s easy to write this off as two young kids who are immature, but we’ve all seen stuff like this in our normal day to day life, right? We’ve seen the person who tries to consistently outshine others. We’ve seen the person who tries to remind you how much better they are than everyone else. We’ve seen people who create an environment of competition vs. collaboration through their words and actions. We’ve seen these things, and I’d argue we all commit these acts sometimes. I know I have, and just like my girls sometimes we do these things on purpose and sometimes we do them unintentionally.

On the other side of things like I mentioned my heart melts when I see my girls working together. It’s one of the best parts of being a parent. The thing is this happens at work too. We’ve probably all seen true collaboration. We’ve seen someone take time out of their day to truly partner with someone. We’ve had people come up to us and say, “You probably didn’t see this, but Susie did X and that made a huge difference for the team.” We’ve witnessed these things and done these things. Just like for my kids, my heart smiles when I see this. (I know. I’m kind of sappy). My heart also feels better when I live this on a daily basis. I’d imagine you feel better in a true collaborative environment as well. We have enough external obstacles that make helping patients difficult, so we don’t need to compete against each other.

The challenge: “We are brothers and sisters. We are on the same team.” How often are you competing vs. collaborating? What are you doing to help others see when they are competing instead of collaborating?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry