Tag: Alice

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 5- Disciplining out of Love (9-10-14)

There are two lessons I have learned since becoming a parent that work hand in hand with each other.

  • Lesson 1- Parenting is the name for a lifelong coaching session.
  • Lesson 2- You can discipline or give feedback to a child out of love or out of negative intent.

Alice acts up sometimes and when she does I have to admit that she’s not always my favorite person in the world (Bonus lesson: Having kids means loving them always, but not always liking them).  I don’t like having stern conversations with her and disciplining her.  It’s not easy and it’s not fun.  The reason I do it though, is because I love her so much that I want to help her grow up and become a good woman.  I want her to be polite, nice, generous, caring, loving, etc.  I don’t want her breaking stuff, being disrespectful, etc.  I do NOT have these conversations with her to prove that I’m smarter, more powerful, or authoritarian.  (The picture is Alice right before she transforms into “Defiant Temper Tantrum Throwing Alice”.  Transform.  Get it?  She’s wearing an Optimus Prime shirt.  #dadsaysboysaredecepticons)

I’ve noticed the same thing when it comes to giving people feedback.  For me, what the person says and how they say it is not as important as the intent behind the words.  I’ve had conversations with people who give me feedback by saying things like, “Dude, you’re kind of being an idiot and a jerk” or “I’m not feeling that at all” or “That kind of sucks” but I knew they were having the conversations out of love so it was okay.  I know other people who say things that sound nicer like, “I have a little coaching for you if you’ll take it,” which is actually code for “I’m smarter than you are and think you should do things my way.”  Let’s just say that’s not the best way to get me to do anything.  It’s not just the words.  It’s the intent behind them.

In my daughter’s case, I have to constantly demonstrate that I love her and care about her so she always can at least see my intent.  I’d say we have the opportunity to do the same with our co-workers.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 3- Encouragement and Taking Fear Away (8-27-14)

Continuing with the lessons I’ve learned since becoming a parent…

Alice is climbing around on playground equipment.  She is climbing on bars and starts to get scared.  I don’t pull her off of the equipment.  Instead, I tell her, “I’m here.  You’re okay.  You can do it.  Keep climbing.”  Then I wait as she climbs step by slow step.  Once she reaches the top she throws her hands up triumphantly and yells, “Daddy I did it!”  She goes down the slide and climbs up the same bars without hesitation.

As sappy as it sounds, I can’t describe how happy and proud I was of her at that moment.  This describes one of my favorite parts of being a dad.  I have this mysterious power that enables me to remove fear and replace it with confidence.  Giving confidence isn’t just about heaping meaningless praise on a person.  It is about being able to authentically show someone that you care and have faith in them.

Think back to a career defining moment.  I can think back to a few when I was scared, nervous, anxious, and wondering if I could accomplish something.  I would say, “This is pretty big.  I don’t know if I can do it.”  I can remember how some of my favorite leaders handled this.  They sat across from me, looked me in the eye, and said something along the lines of “I’m here for you.  I have faith.  You can do this.  I don’t know how you’ll get it done, but I know that you will.”  They would say this with such compassion and sincerity that I couldn’t help but believe them.  That one act completely changed my perspective.  Then, I’d go to work, step by slow step until I made it.

As I work with others and continue to grow as a leader I want to be able to have the same influence that my favorite leaders have had on me.  I want to have that mysterious ability that gives people the power to keep climbing when they are frozen.  I want to be able to throw up my hands triumphantly when they reach the top and say, “You did it!”

As a leader, what are you doing to remove fear and replace it with confidence? 

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry