Alice Needed to be Held (3-4-20)

This week we will start a series on lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. This week will be about my daughter Alice and needing to be held.

I was behind at work. I had SOOOOO much stuff I felt I needed to do. Normally, I don’t work too much at night, I’m more of an early bird, but I was so behind I was looking forward to catching up. Then, my plans changed. Alice (almost 8), had a rough day. Nothing major was horribly wrong, but it was one of those days where you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and couldn’t catch a break for the rest of the day. In fact, she had a few of those days in a row. My wife was putting the girls to bed while I was working, and by this point Alice was a collection of sadness, tears, anger, fury, and so many other emotions. She was fighting with her sister and lashing out at my wife. I knew I had soooo much stuff to do, but from her behavior, I knew that Alice needed snuggles. She needed someone to hold her, to be there with her. I stopped my work, went upstairs, and snuggled up beside her. I was there for a long time, eventually falling asleep. I got up the next day, still far behind in my work and not where I wanted to be, but with a daughter who woke up feeling loved.

What does this have to do with anything? There are two connections I’d like us to consider. First, much like Alice, I think we all need to be held sometimes. Held could be in the physical sense, but often it’s in the emotionally supportive sense. Maybe it’s having lunch, fishing, visiting, or just sitting together that lets someone know they aren’t alone. This embrace gives them strength.

The other connection is that it’s easy to get caught up and view the need to stop and embrace others as an inconvenience. It’s easy to say, “I have so much to do that I can’t stop for that right now.” Have you ever felt that way? I have…even with my own kids sometimes. It’s easy to feel this way and miss that tender and powerful moment, because you won’t necessarily be penalized. You won’t be penalized, but you will miss out on the power and love that moment will give you. You’ll miss out on the chance to help someone and to become a little closer.

The challenges: Will you allow yourself to be “held”? Will you stop to “hold” others?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Running, Personal Records, and Doing your Best (8-21-19)

This will be the last in the series about running. We started with gutting out tough runs, and then looked at refueling and giving fuel to others. From there we focused on understanding where the finish line is, and how we might need to train to get there. Last week was about accepting that we are worthy. This week is about running, doing your best, and striving for growth.

A few months ago, I finished a race. When I got home Alice (7), asked me, “Daddy, did you win?” I chuckled at the question, because the only way I’d ever win a race is if all the runners were miraculously hit by a magic spell that made them run backwards. Anyway, I told Alice that I didn’t win, and that most of the other runners are faster and better than I am. Then Alice said, “Okay. Well, did you beat your personal score? (She meant personal record aka PR) Did you do your best? Those are the things that matter, right?” I smiled a ridiculously proud smile, and let her know that I had done my best and today doing my best also meant beating my personal record. Then, I told her I agreed that trying to get better and doing your best are the main things that matter, and those are the main things we can control.

You probably see where this is going. We are all running our own race, and we are all facing obstacles, many of which are out of our control. When we face these obstacles, it’s so easy to get focused on them that we lose sight of what we can control. One thing we can control is the amount of effort we put in. We can control whether we come in and give it our all every single day. We can control the energy and effort we give to our projects and our relationships. The other thing we can control is our drive to improve and grow. It’s easy to get into a routine. It’s easy to fall into the rhythm of a role where things are going smoothly. I don’t know about you, but when this happens it’s easy to be content with getting by vs. being focused on improving. I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I spend a decent amount of time reflecting. One of the reasons I do this is because it helps me understand where I currently am, where I’m still falling short, and what I can do to beat my personal best. Each day is another run, another race, and another chance to get better.

The challenge: Keep running. Keep striving. Keep beating your personal records.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 8 Learning to Ride a Bike and Cheering Others On (7-10-19)

I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday. In my last entry I mentioned we were going to be done with lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. However, something neat happened over the holiday week, so I have one more story about my daughters. This is about bike riding and cheering others on.

A few weeks ago I shared a story about how my daughter Alice (7) faced her fears and learned how to ride her bike. This was a big deal for her. She had to work hard, and it took hours of her trying and facing her fears before she was able to ride without training wheels. Last week, Violet (5) learned how to ride her bike without training wheels. Violet is more physically gifted than Alice. It probably took about 10 minutes for Violet to get the hang of it. Now, Violet can ride her bike without training wheels and is faster than Alice could ever hope to be. (#ridingabikewhilewearinganinjaturtlehelmetlikeaboss)

We had been praising Alice for riding her bike for 2 weeks. We’d talked about how awesome it was and how proud of her we were. Then, all of a sudden Violet comes through and learns how to do the same thing in a matter of minutes. I assumed Alice was going to be upset when Violet learned how to ride. I assumed Alice was going to be jealous of how easy it came to Violet. I assumed Alice would be irritated that Violet is better than her at something, especially because Violet is 2 years younger. I was wrong. Instead of being upset, Alice encouraged and congratulated Violet. Alice was so excited for her sister, and didn’t care about any of those things I thought she might be concerned about.

What does this have to do with anything? Take the bike riding example above, and imagine yourself as Alice and the other people you know as Violet. How would you react toward “Violet” when they got “the promotion”, “the great opportunity”, “perfected a new skill”, or “got a new job” either before you or faster than you ever did? I don’t know about you, but I’m not always as gracious and encouraging as Alice is. Sometimes I get jealous. Sometimes I see other people get things and my first thought is, “Why not me? Aren’t I as good as them? I’m the one who deserves that.”

What Alice understood is that Violet learning how to ride a bike has nothing to do with Alice learning how to ride a bike. Just because Violet learned how to ride a bike easier and at a younger age, it doesn’t take away the fact that Alice overcame a fear. Also, Alice also knows there are areas in life where things come easier to her than they do with Violet. Because Alice knows these things, she is able to cheer on her sister instead of being consumed by jealousy and bitterness.

The challenge: Will you cheer on or grow jealous of others?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 7 Parenting, Vacations, and Expectations (6-26-19)

I’m back after a relaxing week of vacation. I hope you’re all doing well. This is the final entry in this series about lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. This week is about kids, vacations, and expectations. Special shout out to Tara Walton for the inspiration.

I recently returned from a week long vacation with my family and my wife’s family. This is a trip we take every year, and we always have a blast. I can still remember the first time we ever went on vacation with the kids. Before that, vacation had always just been my wife and myself. No responsibilities. No cares. No real plans. It was super easy to go with the flow. When we had kids, that all changed. We have a lot of fun on vacation, but it’s a heck of a lot different than it was just my wife and myself. Not only do we eat at different restaurants and do different activities, but vacations with the family add a whole additional level of responsibilities. Now, I have to get myself ready and focus on my well-being, while also taking care of two other crazy small humans ready as well. It’s still fun, just different. Can you relate?

You might wonder where this is going. A few weeks ago I was talking to my boss, Tara, about a situation I was facing at work. I explained that I was frustrated, because I thought the situation was going to be X and it turned out to be Y. The difference between X and Y was causing irritation on my end. Have you ever had that happen at work? After I explained the situation to her she jokingly said, “Sounds like you had the wrong expectations. It’s like going on vacation. A vacation with the family is a lot of fun, but it’s a lot different than just you and your wife. If you thought the vacation with your family would be the same as a vacation with you and your wife, you’d be disappointed.” (#inspirationforthisblog)

After she made the joke, she said something like, “So what are you going to do? Sounds like you went into it thinking it was one thing and you found out it wasn’t. You can either continue being disappointed or you can change your expectations and how you’ll respond moving forward.” From there we talked about how this situation is never going to be X, so I need to let that go. I need to embrace that the situation is Y. Y isn’t bad. Y is different. I needed to change my perspective and behaviors accordingly to make Y work. That’s my choice. It’s your choice too. We all have the ability to reexamine our expectations and adjust accordingly.

The challenge: Are you setting the right expectations for yourself in any given situation? How do you adapt when things don’t meet your expectations?

Side note: I’ll be out next week for the 4^th of July holiday, so you won’t hear from me.

Have a jolly good day and enjoy the 4^th!

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 5 Biking and Bravery (6-5-19)

Last week was about small, medium, and big deals. This week is about bike riding and bravery. Recently, we taught my daughter how to ride her bike. I love Alice to pieces, but this was not easy. Alice is great at many things, but physical coordination is not one of them. Also, she was terrified of going faster than a crawl on her bike which made it hard to balance. The second we let go of her seat she’d get scared, stop pedaling, and then crash.

We worked and worked and worked with her and she was frustrated. She told us she couldn’t do it because she was scared. She was ready to give up and I told her, “Alice, I’m not asking you to stop being afraid. This is scary, and that’s okay. Am asking you to be, and right now being brave means you pedal and pedal and pedal. Do you think you can do that?” She said she could, so I told her to keep saying, “Pedal, pedal, pedal,” as we went. We do this a couple of times with me holding her seat, and then I finally sneakily let go. I run beside her with my hand behind her and she thinks I’m holding on, and she keeps pedaling. She crashes after 15 feet. She’s frustrated, until I tell her I wasn’t holding on. I told her she was brave and kept pedaling, and asked if she could keep doing that. Soon 15 feet become 50 became 65 became 149 became 264, and now we don’t measure because she can ride her bike pretty well. #touchedandprouddad

You might wonder where this is going. Alice was terrified, so she couldn’t ride her bike and thought the only way she’d ever ride her bike is if the fear went away. Life doesn’t work like that. The fear never fully disappears, the bravery fills the space and pushes fear to the corners. In her case being brave meant she just had to keep pedaling. Now think about work. Think about all the different situations we enter that are scary. I’m not asking us to stop being afraid. I’m asking us to be brave. Sometimes, being brave means holding your ground in a conversation even though it causes tension. Sometimes being brave is about embracing your ignorance and trying to see something from someone else’s perspective. Sometimes, being brave is owning your mistakes. Sometimes, being brave is wading into a difficult conversation to give someone feedback. Sometimes being brave is opening up to others.

The challenge: How will you be brave?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 1 Spider-verse and Biases (5-8-19)

This week I’d like to kick off a series of lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. We’ll start with a lesson from my daughter watching Spiderman: Into the Spider-verse, a beautifully animated and great movie.

In case you aren’t familiar with the movie, the film follow Miles Morales on his hero journey to become Spider-man. I was watching this movie with my girls and my oldest daughter Alice (7) was initially confused. She saw Miles Morales, a young man who is African American and Puerto Rican, and she said, “How can he be Spider-man? He doesn’t look anything like Peter Parker.” She asked this, because she’s used to seeing Spider-man portrayed as Peter Parker, a white male. That’s how he’s been represented in most media she has seen.

I paused for a second and asked, “Why couldn’t Miles be Spider-man? What does it take to be Spider-man?” From there Alice thought about it and said something along the lines of, “Well, I guess if he has spider like powers and can swing from webs and beat up the bad guys he could be Spider-man.” Fast forward in the movie and not only does she watch Miles become Spider-man, but she sees Gwen Stacy as Spider-Woman. This blew Alice’s mind. She went into a movie thinking Spider-man had to be a white male in his 20s to 30s and left realizing that anyone has the potential to be a Spider-Woman or Spider-man, which means that SHE could be a superhero too!

You might be wondering what this has to do with anything. This moment in parenting taught me a few things.

Representation matters. It’s not the only thing, but it is an important first step. In the case of this movie, not only was their representation of different people, but there was meaningful representation. I was so moved by Miles’s story. How can we ensure that at a MINIMUM we have the right people and a variety of people on our teams and in our organizations?
I realized that, just like Alice, we all have our biases that shape our worldview. “Spider-man must be a white male.” “A manager is X.” “A leader is Y.” “A good employee does A, B, and C.” What are we doing to keep these biases in check?
I love how Alice redefined what it would take to be Spider-man. She basically said, “If the person can do the things Spider-man can do, then they can be Spider-man.” She was basing this on behaviors. As we think about good leaders/bosses/employees how often are we focusing on their behaviors vs. their style. I’d argue that a leader’s job is to move people toward a vision in the right ways. If a person does those things, they are a leader, no matter what their official role or style is.

The challenge: How will confront and overcome your biases?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Coaching- Putting Effort into Giving Critical and Positive Feedback (2-6-19)

Last week was about showing yourself the same level of coaching compassion as you show others. This week’s entry is about putting in equal effort to providing positive and critical feedback to individuals.

I have two girls, Violet (5) and Alice (almost 7). As a parent I feel the majority of my job is coaching them in some way, shape, or form. When my kid does something small that’s wrong I usually respond with a quick, “Hey, are you supposed to be doing that?” When it is something more serious, I call them over to me. I crouch down to their level and look them right in the eyes as I talk with them. Then the conversation usually goes something like, “Violet, are you supposed to hit your sister with your ninja turtle sword? Why did you hit her? Why shouldn’t we hit each other? What will happen if you continue to behave in this way?” The reason why I call them over and then crouch down is because I want them to know I take them and their behavior very seriously, and you can see from the look on their faces that when I stop and do this the message usually sinks in..

I more or less do the same thing if they are exhibiting positive behavior. The small good things they do get a quick, “Good job!” and a high five. However, there are times when their positive behavior deserves more than a quick “good job!” and high five. When this occurs, I call them over, get down on their level, and talk to them. These conversations usually go like this, “Violet, I saw that you were getting frustrated, but you managed to calm down and then solve your problem. Good job being able to calm down. I know that’s incredibly hard, but look at how you were able to do it after you took time to breathe and calm down. You did so great, and I’m so proud of you. Keep it up.” Just like in the other example, slowing down, getting on their level, and having a deeper conversation helps the message sink in.

You might be wondering what this has to do with work and giving feedback. Do you give the same intention and effort into giving positive feedback that you put into giving critical feedback? In my experiences, most people don’t. In my experience, people are often apt to give critical feedback on a more regular basis and tend to have a little more thought behind it. However, when it comes to giving positive feedback it is often sparse and consists of a generic, “Good job!” Some positive feedback is better than never receiving positive feedback. However, putting a little extra time and effort into sitting down with someone and giving them more specific reasons on why something was good is more motivating and impactful than generic comments.

The challenge: Can you give the same intention and effort into giving critical and positive feedback?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 3 Bikes, Training Wheels, and Jealousy (6-27-18)

I’m back from vacation and I hope you all had a great week. Last time we talked about Alice, creative vision, and The Love Robot. This week is about bike riding and jealousy. Alice is great in a lot of different ways, but coordination is not her strong suit. She’s often anxious about riding her bike even with training wheels. A few weeks ago, her best friend began riding her bike without training wheels. When Alice saw this, she was devastated. She was angry, embarrassed, sad, and jealous. Alice kept saying things like “I’m the only one on the block who can’t ride a bike without training wheels. Everyone will think I’m stupid. Why can’t I do it? There are kids younger than me that can do it. Everyone will think I’m a baby. I’m such a loser! Everyone thinks I’m dumb!”

My wife and I tried to talk to her about this. We tried to explain that people learn things at different speeds. We talked about how everyone has strengths and weaknesses. We talked about how some people will always have it better than her and some will always have it worse than her. We talked about how she had a lot of things that made her special, but she was convinced those didn’t matter since she was unable to ride a bike without training wheels. It took a long time for Alice to get out of her emotional funk and begin to realize that jealousy wasn’t the answer and wasn’t helping. All Alice can do is try to be the best Alice she can be.

You might be wondering what this has to do with work and life. While I was in the middle of trying to talk about this with Alice, I realized that I often feel very similar. I look at people and decide that they have it “better” in some way, and I feel angry, embarrassed, sad, bitter, and jealous. Do you ever feel like this?

Here is how it often plays out in my mind.

“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do X just like Susie? I bet if I did, I’d be better off. I’m good at Y, but nobody cares about Y.”
“Sally is so much smarter than I am. I’m an idiot.”
“Why can’t I be good enough to be in Y role like Bob? People probably look at me and say, ‘If he was any good he would already be doing ABC at this point in his career. He’s not reaching his potential.’ I’m such a failure.”
“I wish I had his life. He has a better ________ (house/car/life/situation he’s in).”

It’s easy for me to get trapped in these thought circles. It’s easy to get lost in these negative spirals that convince me I’m a loser. As I was talking Alice through her feelings and the reality of the situation I realized what I told her applies to me too. Things happen at different times for different people for different reasons. Some people will just have it better and some will have it worse. Some people are going to be more talented than I am. No matter what, I have my own strengths and things that make me special. At the end of the day, the jealousy, the pain, the bitterness doesn’t help. All I can do is try to be the best Andrew I can be.

The challenge: Are you getting lost in jealousy? How can you be the best you that you can be?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 2 Alice, Imagination, Vision, and the Love Robot (6-13-18)

Last week we kicked off a series on lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. We started with Violet, persistence, and her relentless quest for cookies. This week I want us to reflect on Alice, imagination, vision, and the creation of the Love Robot.

At my house we have an invention box. Essentially, the invention box contains stuff that could be recycled. My daughters rummage through the invention box from time to time to create things. Back in February, Alice needed to have a container for school that could hold valentines. She went over to the invention box. Most people would have seen a collection of junk. Most people would have seen an empty shoe box, caps to water bottles, leftover ribbon, and some cardboard. Alice saw those individual parts, but she also saw something greater. She saw potential. She took the time to pause and imagine until she had the vision to realize that with some paint and assembly those things could become the Love Robot. See the picture.

You might be wondering what this has to do with work. The above story is about Alice having the creative vision to see and then bring to life potential. She was able to look at things in a different way and then use them to create something greater than the sum of its parts. Kids do stuff like this all the time, and the sad part is I feel that we often lose this as we get older.

Think about our work for a moment. We have so much more potential to leverage our imaginations and vision on the things we work on every day. We also have a huge opportunity to use our imagination and vision to see the best in each other, so we can build each other up to reach greatness. While we have these opportunities, we don’t always take advantage of them. I’m not sure why we lose this imaginative vision, but we do. Maybe it’s the projects we are working on. Maybe we get too busy and lose the ability to daydream. Maybe we keep looking at the problem from the same angle over and over and over again, so we miss seeing what we COULD do, if we were willing to trying something different. Maybe we get too tired from running into walls, so we give up on imagining what we COULD do, if we pushed a little harder. Maybe we look at the people around us in the same way so often that we lose sight of who they COULD be, if they only had a little nudge of support.

Here is to being more like Alice, to being able to see beauty and potential in all people and things. Here’s to having hands that make that imaginative vision a reality. The challenge: What do you see when you look at the work and the people around you?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons Learned from being a Dad Part 7 Be Present (5-3-17)

This is going to be the last in our current series about lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad. We’ve talked about reinforcing “youness,” collaborating vs. competing, the value of a blanket, and finally how doing small things can make something special. This week we are going to end with the most important lesson I’ve learned, the power of being present.

A little while ago, I went to my first ever daddy daughter dance with Alice. Before going to the dance I took her out to eat at Dairy Queen, because she wanted ice cream for dinner. After dinner we went to the dance, broke out some sweet dance moves, and played. Alice was incredibly excited about the whole thing and told everyone how much fun she had. She said that her favorite part was having time with me. (Is your heart a puddle yet? Mine totally melted when she said that. The picture made my heart melt even more. I’m biased, but look at that smile on her face plus that bald guy is gorgeous.)

Here’s the thing. Even though we did some cool things, the best thing to her was that I was there. I was fully present with her for the entire night. No phone. No distractions. Just us. Over my 5 years of being a dad I’ve realized that my kids want toys and things like any other normal kid, but the thing they want the most is someone to be there and present with them. They want someone to enter their world, someone to play with, someone to give them love and attention.

This is the part where I’m supposed to lie and say that I’m such an amazing parent that I’m always 100% present. Not true. I get distracted by everything pulling at me 24/7. There’s always more work to be done, another email to answer, etc. It’s easy to get lost in this, and in my case lose the precious time I have with my two little girls and my wife. I don’t get this right every day, but I do try every day to do better.

Work connection. Similar to my kids, I think we all want people who are there and present with us. We want colleagues, mentors, leaders, etc. who can sit down and truly be with us. We understand that time is so valuable, and that the greatest gift someone can give us is their time and attention. This isn’t easy though. There are distractions at home and there are distractions in the office. How many times have you been having a conversation with a person while they were answering emails and texts? Sure, you might have been talking to them, but they weren’t really there. How did that make you feel? How many times are you the person who is doing the texting or distracted when people are talking to you? How often are you truly 100% present?

The challenge: How can you be more present?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry