Lessons from Being a Dad Part 3 Relationships and Moments Make our Lives (5-22-19)

Last week was about looking at things differently. This week is about dropping Violet off at school and the power of relationships and moments.

Let me set the scene. It had been a tough couple of weeks at work. My mind was lost in stress and exhaustion. I was thinking about all of the calls and meetings I needed to be on, all the places I needed to be, all the cats I needed to herd, all the things I needed to accomplish, and all the challenges ahead.

That morning I took Violet to school. I walked her to her room, my brain living in stress, continually thinking about how far behind and out of it I felt. I gave Violet a big hug, dropped her off, and then started walking down the hall to the parking lot. All of a sudden I hear sprinting feet and Violet yelling, “Daddy! Daddy!” I stopped and turned around to see her sprinting toward me. I asked her what was going on. She gets to me and says, “I forgot to give you a big kiss!” I scoop her up and she gives me a few big kisses, squeezes me as tight as she can, says, “We’re good now. Love you,” and then she jumps down and runs to her class. I watch her run, all of the stress and everything melts away, and I find myself feeling lighter. There I was lost in stress, and in one quick second all that was gone as her joy and love washed over me in that moment. (Maybe I teared up a bit when this happened, because I know I won’t get moments like that forever.)

You might be wondering where this is going. It’s easy to get lost in the stress of work, where everything feels important and daunting. It’s easy to think that your life is work and the projects that you do, but it’s not. It’s easy to get lost in what feels like a never ending cycle of stress and anxiety. Our lives are so much more than what we get lost in during stressful days. Our lives are so much more than the day to day grind and minutiae.

My life is lived in the relationships I have with my family and friends and the moments we have together. My life is a 5 year old sprinting to give me a kiss in the hallway, laughing with my wife, a water balloon fight that turns into a block party, snuggles at bedtime, reading a book in a hammock, having good beer with friends, spontaneous dance parties, joking with colleagues, celebrating firsts and big accomplishments, seeing growth, etc. What kind of relationships and moments make up your life?

The challenge: Don’t lose sight that your life is more than work. Your life is relationships and moments.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 2 Laundry Baskets, Snowball Fights, and Looking at Things Differently (5-15-19)

Last week was about Into the Spider-verse and fighting biases. This week is about laundry baskets, “snowball” fights, and looking at things differently.

Over Christmas break in 2018 we started a new family tradition. There was no snow and nothing to do outside, so we decided to play indoor capture the flag where we used socks as snowballs. We set up forts throughout the house and then brought down laundry baskets filled with socks to throw at each other. It was me and my wife vs. our daughters and their friend. The rules are simple. First team to get all three flags into their fort wins. If you get hit with a “snowball” you have to drop the flag and you can’t pick it up.

There we are in the midst of an intense battle when I see this thing whiz by me in the kitchen. I look up and realize that Violet has taken the laundry basket that was holding the snowballs and put it over her body as a moveable shield. Complete genius! My wife and I can’t hit her, because she’s ducked low and covered like a turtle. She leads her team to a victory. The interesting thing is that we had played several rounds and every round the laundry basket was the thing that held the snowballs. We never thought it could have any other use or purpose. However, Violet saw something else. She realized that by rethinking what the laundry basket was, she could use it in a new way to win.

You might be wondering what this has to do with anything. As a 5 year old with a feral imagination, Violet has taught us how to look at things differently. She consistently challenges us to reassess our assumptions. She has taught me that those things that I think are for recycling are actually parts to make a robot rocket dinosaur transformer who is programmed to save the universe. She has taught me that jump ropes are jump ropes and lassos and pulley systems to help her raise and lower stuffed animals over the balcony.

Now think about work for a moment. How often at work do we find ourselves looking at the same thing the same way over and over and over again? How often do we have a project or a process that we take at face value, just because that is the way it is presented to us? What we often fail to realize is that when presented with something (or someone) we have a choice. We can accept them at face value or we can look at them from different perspectives to find value we never knew existed.

The challenge: How will you reexamine things and people to find something new?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 1 Spider-verse and Biases (5-8-19)

This week I’d like to kick off a series of lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. We’ll start with a lesson from my daughter watching Spiderman: Into the Spider-verse, a beautifully animated and great movie.

In case you aren’t familiar with the movie, the film follow Miles Morales on his hero journey to become Spider-man. I was watching this movie with my girls and my oldest daughter Alice (7) was initially confused. She saw Miles Morales, a young man who is African American and Puerto Rican, and she said, “How can he be Spider-man? He doesn’t look anything like Peter Parker.” She asked this, because she’s used to seeing Spider-man portrayed as Peter Parker, a white male. That’s how he’s been represented in most media she has seen.

I paused for a second and asked, “Why couldn’t Miles be Spider-man? What does it take to be Spider-man?” From there Alice thought about it and said something along the lines of, “Well, I guess if he has spider like powers and can swing from webs and beat up the bad guys he could be Spider-man.” Fast forward in the movie and not only does she watch Miles become Spider-man, but she sees Gwen Stacy as Spider-Woman. This blew Alice’s mind. She went into a movie thinking Spider-man had to be a white male in his 20s to 30s and left realizing that anyone has the potential to be a Spider-Woman or Spider-man, which means that SHE could be a superhero too!

You might be wondering what this has to do with anything. This moment in parenting taught me a few things.

Representation matters. It’s not the only thing, but it is an important first step. In the case of this movie, not only was their representation of different people, but there was meaningful representation. I was so moved by Miles’s story. How can we ensure that at a MINIMUM we have the right people and a variety of people on our teams and in our organizations?
I realized that, just like Alice, we all have our biases that shape our worldview. “Spider-man must be a white male.” “A manager is X.” “A leader is Y.” “A good employee does A, B, and C.” What are we doing to keep these biases in check?
I love how Alice redefined what it would take to be Spider-man. She basically said, “If the person can do the things Spider-man can do, then they can be Spider-man.” She was basing this on behaviors. As we think about good leaders/bosses/employees how often are we focusing on their behaviors vs. their style. I’d argue that a leader’s job is to move people toward a vision in the right ways. If a person does those things, they are a leader, no matter what their official role or style is.

The challenge: How will confront and overcome your biases?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Being Human is Universal (5-1-19)

This is going to be the final entry about the “secrets” I’ve learned over time. We began with the secret power of gratitude, and then we explored the secret of our own uniqueness. Last week was about the idea that everyone has something going on in life that is impacting them, even if it is unseen. This week we will explore how being human is more universal than we realize.

If you’ve followed this blog for a period of time, you’ll know that I’ve written about a wide variety of things including but not limited to:

How I lost it at work and cried after a cousin died from a drug overdose.
My failures when it comes to loving others.
How I’ve felt that I wasn’t good enough. (Saw this within the past few weeks)
Various mistakes I’ve made from FBI interrogating an intern to mishandling other conversations.
My failures when it comes to loving/appreciating myself.
My attempts at finding myself/my voice.

Anytime I’ve shared one of those things, I’ve had this fear that the experience I was sharing was unique to me, which meant other people wouldn’t understand. Without fail when I have shared something like that, people have responded with, “That is totally me. I’ve been there.” Someone else always understood what I was going through and what I was feeling. I began to realize that those things I thought were personal, were in fact universal.

You might be wondering where this is going. We often talk about being brave enough to be vulnerable, and how hard it is to be vulnerable. The secret I learned is that for the most part the experiences we have are more universal than we think. There are other people out there who have been through something similar. If other people have had similar experiences, then vulnerability can’t be about being all alone on a limb. Instead, it’s about stepping out and saying, “I’m human. You’re human. We’ve all been there, right?” Understanding this has dramatically increased my willingness to be vulnerable. I’m no longer paralyzed by the scary question of, “Is there anyone who will understand?” Instead, I know the real question is, “How many people have been where I am?” and if others have been where I am, being vulnerable is just one more way for us to connect human to human.

The challenge: Can you see how being human is more universal than we realize? Are you willing to be vulnerable?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Everyone has Something Going On (4-24-19)

Last week was about the power of our own uniqueness. This week’s secret is that everyone has things going on in their lives that impact them.

Let’s pretend for a moment that you are in a meeting with a colleague and they weren’t performing well that day. They were not as focused as they normally are and not on top of things. What was the reason why they weren’t performing that day? Maybe it’s because they weren’t prepared. Maybe it’s because they didn’t have the ability to understand what they should do. Maybe they are just bad at their job. Those would probably be a couple of the first things you’d think of. There’s another option though, maybe they had other things going on in life that were that were weighing on them and impacting them. No matter the case, don’t they deserve grace, empathy, and understanding?

You might be wondering where this is going. The secret in all of this is that we never know what is going on in a person’s life that might be impacting them. We’ve all probably been in a situation like the one above. We’ve all been the person who noticed that a teammate wasn’t performing on a given day. When we were in this situation, how often did we stop to check in to see how they were doing? How often did we stop to see if there were things outside of work impacting them vs. making an assumption about why things weren’t going well? I know that I always haven’t paused to think about how things going on outside of our walls might be weighing in on their lives.

We’ve also been the person who wasn’t performing, because we were being impacted by something. Maybe it was the death of a family member, sickness, sleepless nights from kids, battle with depression or addiction, or a million other ways that life can get to you. How important was it to you when people extended some empathy and understanding?

The challenge: The secret is that you never know what is going on in someone else’s life. When you see people, will you start by extending grace, empathy, and understanding?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Eagles, Bears, and Uniqueness (4-17-19)

Last week was about the power of gratitude. This week’s secret is about the power of our individual uniqueness.

An eagle flies over a forest, majestic and fast. It’s flown all of its life, and doesn’t really know any different. It looks down and sees a bear, huge and full of strength. The eagle says to himself, “I wish I had strength like the bear.” The bear is huge and strong, lumbering throughout the forest. He’s always been like that, and doesn’t really know any different. He looks up to see an eagle flying, majestic and fast. The bear says to himself, “I wish I had wings like the eagle, so I could soar through the skies.”

By now you’re wondering where this Aesop fable sounding tale is going. I was preparing for a job interview and I had a conversation with a friend/mentor of mine. She’s the type of person who gives you truth in a loving way (everyone needs someone like this in their life). I tell her why I wanted the role and what my story would be for the interview. I’m going over the top to establish that I’m smart and have the marketing chops to succeed (#makingupforinsecurity). After we talk through all of this she gives me that look. The look that says, “Andrew, you’re really missing the obvious and I’m about to drop knowledge.” Then she says something like, “Everything you said makes sense. I get that it’s important to you that you show people you are smart and a good marketer, and I believe you are those things and it’s important to talk about those things. However, don’t forget that there is a lot about who you are that’s important to bring to life for these people too.” From there she listed what she saw in me that differentiated me, which consisted of strengths that I wasn’t thinking about emphasizing because they seemed too “soft” and I wasn’t sure they mattered. Essentially she told me, “It’s cool that you want to show that you’re strong like a bear, and bears are great. However, don’t forget you are an eagle blessed with flight.”

If leveraging my uniqueness is so obvious to her, why wasn’t it so obvious to me? Why wasn’t I thinking of leading with this in the interview as opposed to trying too hard to feature something else? I think there are a few reasons. I think our uniqueness is part of who we are, and at times it is easy to forget that not everyone shares what makes you you. It’s easy to fall into the trap of saying, “But doesn’t everyone do this or bring this to the table?” The answer to that is no. Also, I don’t know about you, but sometimes I look at others, get a little jealous, and say, “I want to be like that. I want to be known for that.” Maybe I feel that the organization wants me to be just like that or that people really respect/admire/value one type of person over another. Maybe I’m insecure and just don’t always have the confidence in myself that I should. Do you ever feel this way?

The secret hidden in all of this is my uniqueness is worth more than I could ever know, and yours is too. The challenge: Can you see, accept, and embrace, your uniqueness?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Bonus thought: I’d like to say that since that conversation I’ve always remembered that I’m an eagle and that I should embrace my flight. However, I’d be lying if I said that. From time to time, I still get into this, “I want them to know I’m strong/smart/whatever” as opposed to embracing who I am and what I bring.

The Secret Power of Showing Gratitude (4-10-19)

This week we are going to kick off a new series inspired by the “secrets” I’ve learned throughout my life. When I say secrets, I don’t mean some entirely unknown revelation. Instead, I mean something that is often in front of us that we don’t see or lose sight of. This week’s secret is about the power of showing gratitude to others.

Pretend for a moment that you go to Bob’s house. When you get to Bob’s house you do 100 things for Bob, and he never shows any appreciation. Now, you go to Joe’s house. You do 100 things for Joe, and he shows you appreciation. Joe doesn’t give you more money than Bob or anything, Joe ensures that you know he appreciates you and that he’s grateful for you. The next day, you have the choice to help Bob or Joe. Who do you help? I’m guessing you help Joe, because Joe appreciates you.

You might see where this is going. Every day you go to work. At work you do hundreds of things for different people. How many of those people ever show their gratitude? What’s it like when you work with people who don’t show gratitude? What’s it like when you work with people who do? Gratitude goes a long way with me, because gratitude is one of those things that remind us we are humans and not just cogs in a wheel. If you show me that you appreciate me, I will go out of my way to help you, even if you aren’t my boss or someone else who has “power” over me.

The secret I’ve learned is how powerful showing gratitude can be. It transforms the people you work with and it transforms the relationships you have with them. It makes those relationships stronger, so you can have real conversations with each other out of love. It makes those relationships stronger, so when you lean on the other person they hold you up. It’s not only good for the other person and the relationship, but showing gratitude is good for you too. Showing gratitude makes you realize how lucky and blessed you are to have the people you have in your life, and it keeps you centered and focused on the right things.

The challenge: Do you know the power of showing gratitude? Reach out and show some appreciation to 5 people today.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Magnets, a Compass, and True North (4-3-19)

This is going to be the last in our series inspired by science. We began with thermodynamics and inclusion. From there we moved to ionic bonds and vulnerability, and then we reflected on the power of catalysts. We spent a couple of weeks in physics thinking about Bernoulli’s principle and pressure, and Newton’s laws of motion. Last week was about centrifugal force and slowing life down. This week we will think about magnets, compasses, and north.

Let’s pretend for a moment that I dropped you off in the middle of the woods. Let’s pretend it was so foggy that you couldn’t see very well. From here, it was your job to get back to the cabin, and the only thing you know is that the cabin is due north. I’m assuming at this point, you’d be pretty concerned, because you’d be out in the middle of the forest and can’t really see anything. How would this change if you had a compass? I bet if you had a compass, you’d feel better. While you might not be able to see too far ahead of you, the compass would be able to guide you. Even with the fog, the compass would still work, because the compass doesn’t rely on visual cues. Instead, the compass relies on magnetism and its connection to the north pole.

You might be wondering what this has to do with work. How many times have you been in the middle of a conversation (or project) that swirled and swirled and swirled until everyone was lost, confused, or misaligned? How many times have you been the one leading those conversations? I’ve been there before…a lot… more times than I care to admit.

Why does this happen? Often we blame it on the complexity or ambiguity of the situation. There is some truth to this. However, complexity and ambiguity are like the forest and fog in the situation. They make it more difficult to get to north, but they don’t make it impossible. Many times, the reason why the conversations go sideways and end up with everyone lost, is because we lost focus on what north is. Essentially, we enter those conversations without a compass or never look at the compass during the conversation. Often, what these conversations require is someone connecting the group back to objective/end game aka true north to help guide people. For example, someone might say something like, “I appreciate all of the thoughts. The real problem we need to fix is X, so let’s make sure we focus on X.” Then that person can moderate the conversation to ensure it stays focused on solving X, because that is the true north in this situation.

The challenge: Are you establishing “north” aka the key objectives before beginning complicated conversations (or projects)? Are you brave enough to get people to pause and consult their compasses when they start to get lost?

Bonus Thought 1: Take the meeting example above and replace it with “life”. Until you find your true north, you will swirl and get lost.

Bonus thought 2: It’s okay if you don’t always know your true north right away in life and/or at work. At work I’m doing a lot of things for the first time in a new role, and I’m not always clear on what the objectives are. I’ve found that I need to pause when I’m in these situations to gain clarity on my objectives before rushing forward and getting lost in swirl.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Centrifugal Force, Merry-Go-Rounds, and Slowing Life Down (3-27-19)

Last week was about Newton’s laws of motion and moving people. This week we will stick with motion and reflect on centrifugal force, merry-go-rounds, and slowing life down.

I’m assuming that at one-point in all of our lives we have ridden on a merry-go-round or some kind of ride that spins you around in circles. Before the ride begins, we are stationary. As the ride starts to spin slowly, we initially don’t move too much from the center of the ride. However, as the ride picks up more speed, a force acts on us pushing us away from the center of the merry-go-round/ride and to the edges of the ride. The force that acts on us is centrifugal force. The bottom line is that the faster the thing is spinning the more the force works to push you to the outside, away from the center. If you want to get to the center, you need to find a way to slow things down.

You might be wondering where this is going. In many ways we spend our lives on an invisible merry-go-round balancing work, life, and everything that comes our way. Much like a merry-go-round, we have a center, where we are balanced, focused, and plugged into the things that matter most. The tricky thing is that unlike a merry-go-round, life never stops spinning (while we are living). This means that we always have some force pushing us away from our center. As life spins faster, we get further away from our center and lose focus.

What we often fail to realize is that we have the power to speed life up or slow life down. Have you ever been around a person who took something small and turned it into a huge deal spinning everything out of control? Have you ever been that person? I have. This is an example of taking something and speeding it up, further pushing us away from our center and making life difficult. On the opposite end, there are times when life has been going really fast and I’ve been able to say, “Does all of this actually matter? Is all of this really important?” (The answer is that 95% of things aren’t important.) Pausing to breathe and ask those questions has a powerful impact on slowing life down enough to where you can get closer to your center.

The challenge: On the merry-go-round of life, will you take the time to slow things down to get back to center?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Newton’s 1st Law and Moving People (3-20-19)

Last week was about Bernoulli’s principle and pressure with an added bonus note about giving Newton a high five. What many of you might not know is that Bernoulli’s principle connects well with Newton’s laws, so this week we are going to reflect on Isaac Newton’s first law of motion. (Look at that connection. #droppingEastereggslikethebunny)

The first law of motion is, “An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” What this means is that objects tend to do what they are already doing. If a ball is on the ground completely still, it’s not going to move unless acted on by an external force like the wind or a kick from someone. If a ball is rolling down a hill, it is going to keep rolling unless it’s acted on by an external force like friction or a brick wall.

You might be wondering what this has to do with anything. I think you could rewrite the first law to include people. “A person will tend to stay stuck in one place unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” Likewise, “A person will move in the same routine unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” Have you ever felt stuck? Maybe you are in a tough relationship/job/project/spot in life. I’ve been there, and still find myself there from time to time. It always takes some kind of force to help me move. Usually it’s an external force, like a person who cares for me to say something or does something to help me move forward. On the flip side, have you ever found yourself locked in a way of thinking? You are the object in motion going in motion, going through the same actions, attacking problems in the exact same way, because that’s what you’ve always done. I’ve been there. Then, all of a sudden some outside force, maybe a coach, a mentor, or a friend gives you some insight that makes you pivot how you were operating, change direction, and get somewhere new.

The bottom line is that whether you are stuck or in motion down a path, often it takes a force to help us snap out of it and get moving or a force to help us readjust the way we are doing things. The thing is, we all have the power to be this force for each other. We all have the power to be the one to say a few kind words, offer some insights, extend a hand or a hug, and do a million other things to either get people moving or help them change direction.

The challenge: We can all be a force. Are you being a force for good that helps people move in the right direction?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry