Lessons from being a Dad Part 3 The Darker Side of being a Dad (4-5-17)

Last week was about competing vs. collaborating as it applies to my daughters. This week I want to look at the darker side of being a dad. Of course I’m talking about when parents unnecessarily compete against each other through their kids. As we reflect this week, I want us to ask ourselves, “What really matters?”

I never knew how crazy competitive people could be until I had kids. The very moment we had our first child, people started coming out of the woodwork. The conversation basically starts with “Perfect Parent” saying, “I and/or my kid is doing A, B, and C, and if you aren’t doing those things you are a horrible parent or something is wrong with your kid.” This applies to everything; even things I didn’t realize you could compete on. For example, Perfect Parent would say that if you don’t breast feed you are a horrible mom. Perfect Parent would want you to know that if your children aren’t eating all vegan all the time, then they are less than human. Perfect Parent likes to remind dads that if their kids aren’t in the perfect outfit they are horrible fathers. Perfect Parent wants you to know that their kid is involved in 50 activities and is too busy for non-value add activities like playing. Perfect Parent likes to remind you that their kid is reading novels at age 5, and if your kid isn’t they are doomed to a horrible life. Perfect Parent continues to do this with their child of all ages.

If you don’t have kids, you’re probably thinking the above paragraph was really stupid. If you do have kids, you’re probably thinking, “Yep, that’s my experience.” I’ve found that it’s easy to get swept up in all of this and start feeling like a horrible person who is ruining your child’s life because you aren’t doing “the right thing” or are not pushing them to do a million things. Here’s the truth though. 99% of all that stuff, doesn’t matter. If we are honest with ourselves, most of the time it’s parents focusing on stuff that in the grand scheme of things doesn’t matter in order to make themselves feel good. In order to make sure I don’t get lost in this stuff as a dad, I need to start by deciding what’s really important. For me there are 3 things I care about with regards to my kids: their health, them being good strong people (loving, generous, kind, thoughtful, independent, etc.), and them having grit/tenacity. Those are the things I care about and the things I work on with my kids. If your kid is a better reader or is smarter, that’s fine. I’m happy for you and them. At the same time, I’m not competing. I’m not sitting around comparing my kids to yours. I don’t need to get bent out of shape about those things. My thought is that if my girls grow up and all they are is healthy, good strong people, and tenacious they will be pretty good people and I will have done my job as a parent.

Making connections. Even if you don’t have kids, you’ve probably seen this play out in different places. It’s easy at work for “Perfect Employee” to say, “You should be doing X, Y, and Z exactly like me or you’re not good.” It’s easy to look around at others and say, “I need to be just like them and doing their things.” On top of this, there are people throughout this company that are smarter than me, more talented than me, at a higher level than me, etc. I don’t need to drive myself crazy competing with them. Instead, I can be happy for them and focus on me and what I need to do. Similar to being a dad, I’d argue the first thing we need to do is decide what is important, because a lot of that is stuff that just doesn’t matter. What’s important to you depends on what you value and what your goals are.

The challenge: Are you getting lost in a competitive environment or are you focusing on the things that are really important?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 2 You are on the same team (3-29-17)

Last week was about reinforcing the “youness” of someone else. This week is about competing vs. collaborating. Competing plays out in a few ways at my house. One way, Alice gets in trouble and then Violet comes over to remind me that she “Makes good choices and Alice makes bad choices.” Another way is Violet sings a song and then Alice gets jealous and starts trying to sing over Violet. The final way is that one of the girls goes out of their way to make sure they are noticed more than their sister.

When I see these competitive behaviors, I know that it’s not always malicious (but sometimes it is). When we see this behavior, my wife and I always tell our girls the same thing. “You two are not competing. You are sisters. You are on the same team. It’s your job to look out for and help each other out.” Sometimes when we have this conversation it’s like talking to two brick walls. Sure they might not be fighting, but they are still working alone instead of together. In this case, not much changes. Sometimes though, on lucky days, when you can find rainbows, leprechauns, and unicorns we see small breakthroughs. These are the days when Alice gets something for her sister that Violet can’t reach. These are the days when Violet comes to tell us that Alice did something nice for her. These are the days when Alice comes and tells us how great Violet is doing with her speech. These are the days that melt my heart, the days when they are working together, holding each other up, and making sure their sister receives some love and recognition.

You are probably seeing some of the work connections already. It’s easy to laugh at the stories of my girls competing. It’s easy to laugh at Alice trying to sing louder than Violet or Violet telling us that she makes good choices, while Alice makes bad choices. It’s easy to write this off as two young kids who are immature, but we’ve all seen stuff like this in our normal day to day life, right? We’ve seen the person who tries to consistently outshine others. We’ve seen the person who tries to remind you how much better they are than everyone else. We’ve seen people who create an environment of competition vs. collaboration through their words and actions. We’ve seen these things, and I’d argue we all commit these acts sometimes. I know I have, and just like my girls sometimes we do these things on purpose and sometimes we do them unintentionally.

On the other side of things like I mentioned my heart melts when I see my girls working together. It’s one of the best parts of being a parent. The thing is this happens at work too. We’ve probably all seen true collaboration. We’ve seen someone take time out of their day to truly partner with someone. We’ve had people come up to us and say, “You probably didn’t see this, but Susie did X and that made a huge difference for the team.” We’ve witnessed these things and done these things. Just like for my kids, my heart smiles when I see this. (I know. I’m kind of sappy). My heart also feels better when I live this on a daily basis. I’d imagine you feel better in a true collaborative environment as well. We have enough external obstacles that make helping patients difficult, so we don’t need to compete against each other.

The challenge: “We are brothers and sisters. We are on the same team.” How often are you competing vs. collaborating? What are you doing to help others see when they are competing instead of collaborating?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from being a Dad Part 1 Reinforcing your “Youness” (3-22-17)

This week I’d like to kick off a new series focused on lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad. In case you don’t know I have two girls, Alice (almost 5) and Violet (3). They’ve taught me so much more than I’ll ever teach them. This week is about reinforcing the “youness” of others. “Youness” is a phrase I’m stealing from Lilly colleague Tony Brazelton and means “the stuff that makes you you.”

If you talk to Alice for any period of time she will boldly claim that she’s going to be scientist/inventor when she grows up. This is part of her youness, part of what makes her light up, makes her tick, drives her, etc. She considers this to be part of who she is. For Christmas her favorite gift was a scientist lab coat. See epic proud face. The best day in her life so far was the day when she realized that mixing baking soda and vinegar created a volcano like explosion. When we want to get her to try new foods we tell her that she’s conducting research and that we will record her findings and she tries stuff right away (#parentingwin). This is heartwarming, but here’s the thing, I know that as she gets older she will receive pressure in various ways that will discourage her from wanting to get into science because of the fact that she is a girl.

As a dad I want to help her with this pressure. My thought is that I can do this in two ways. First, I need to reinforce her youness with her. I make sure I reinforce and praise who she is by saying stuff like, “Alice, you are a scientist. You are smart. You are curious. Do you know what scientists do? They test their ideas, they fail, and they try over and over again. That’s you. You are a scientist, and that is one of the things that makes you awesome.” Besides reinforcing her youness with her, I can reinforce her youness with others. One small example comes from family members who want to buy her gifts for her birthday or Christmas. Many of them assume that she’s really into dolls, because she’s a young girl. I take the time to explain to them that dolls aren’t really her. Then I try to reinforce what Alice is about by explaining that Alice is all about science, exploring, building, and figuring stuff out. I tell them to think science kits, magnets, legos, etc. This act helps them see Alice for who she is and what she has to offer.

What does this have to do with work? We all have our own youness. At the same time, the world may not always appreciate our youness. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt that what makes you you just isn’t appreciated? On the flip side, how did you feel when people saw and reinforced your youness with you and others? Reinforcing somebody’s youness doesn’t take a lot. Often it just takes a few words at the right time.

Here’s a story from a previous role of a leader who reinforced a new teammate’s youness in a group setting. I was in a meeting and it was the first time the team was coming together. We had a new teammate, Susie (fake name real story) who had come to us from a brand that had fallen through. If you know Susie, you know that Susie cares incredibly deeply for people. It is part of what makes her her. As Susie talked about her previous experience on that brand she talked about how big of a difference she thought they were going to be able to make in the lives of patients. You could see that she truly cared for these people and that she was crushed things had not gone better. As she tells the story, she starts crying a little bit. Her crying created that moment (some would call it awkward) where everyone is silent. Susie starts apologizing for being emotional and the leader says something like, “No need to apologize. I see you. I see your passion. I see how much you care for people. I need that. We need that. I hope you bring that with you to our team.” The leader could have ignored it. The leader could have just said, “It’s okay” and brushed off the emotion with some other statement. Instead, the leader reinforced Susie’s “youness” with the team and Susie in a few simple statements that went a long way. You could tell the leader’s few words had a powerful impact on Susie and also on the rest of the team. A simple and profound leadership lesson I’ll remember. I left that meeting saying, “I want to be like that leader when I grow up.”

Challenge: Are you reinforcing the “youness” of others? Bonus->Take the time to reinforce the youness of someone today.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 6 Building Bridges between Towers (3-16-16)

This will be the last in the series about lessons I’ve learned from my daughters. We’ve talked about celebrating first steps, recognizing each other, showing appreciation, overcoming obstacles, and saying “Yes!…and” to invisible bull fights. I want to end this series by talking about a different game I play with Alice that is all about connecting people.

One of Alice’s favorite games is called Camelot Junior. It’s a puzzle game you play with wooden blocks. You use those wooden blocks to build bridges to connect two characters. Each puzzle starts with you setting up the knight and princess on two separate towers. Then you use blocks to build a bridge, so the two characters can meet in the middle. In our house, the characters meet in the middle to talk about really important stuff like dragons, saving the kingdom from bad guys, and dance moves.

After you connect the two characters you move to the next challenge. The game comes with an instruction book that tells you how to set up different puzzles and which blocks you are allowed to use to build the bridge in each situation. As you progress throughout the game, connecting the characters becomes more and more difficult as the characters are placed further apart and you have to use blocks in new and creative ways to build the bridge.

What does this have to do with anything? Much like the game, life is about building bridges between two people, so they can connect in the middle. Depending on the two people and their backgrounds, they might start out really close together or they could be really far apart. In the grand scheme of things, the distance between the two people doesn’t matter. What matters is whether or not you are willing to try to bridge that gap. All that matters is whether or not you are willing and able to find the right blocks to start building a bridge to connect with other people. Are you willing to take the first step and begin building the bridge? Are you willing to put in the time to understand others, so you can find new blocks that will connect you with each other?

The challenge: How are you building a bridge between you and the people around you?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 5 Obstacles and Invisible Bullfights (3-9-16)

Last week was a story about Violet and her determination to overcome obstacles to get cookies. This week we’ll explore how we can be the obstacles that get in way of greatness.

A few weeks ago my family had just finished dinner when Alice said, “I have an idea! Let’s have a bullfight.” What would you do in that situation? You might have said no. You might have hesitated, because that seemed weird. You might have been afraid of trying something new. Maybe you didn’t have the energy. You might have tried to rationalize why that may not be a good idea. Me and my wife looked at each other and said, “Yes!…and we’ll use the blankets as matador capes!”

We turned on some music, and then the bullfight began. There were flurries of blankets, flourishes, and smooth moves. It started with Alice and Violet being the bulls, and we had to catch them. Then, out of nowhere Alice said, the bull is invisible, and Diane (my wife) and I said, “Yes… and we all need to catch him!” The invisible bull was everywhere. It got me and my wife. Alice had to save Violet and Violet had to save Alice a million times. We went running through the house jumping over couch cushions, using chairs to block the bull, and fighting it with our matador/ninja skills. At one point my wife became a T-rex and Alice was riding her to catch the bull (see pic). It was intense and crazy amounts of fun.

So what does fighting an imaginary invisible bull have to do with YOU being an obstacle? When people come to you with new ideas, how do you respond? Are you the obstacle? Do you say no, do you hesitate, or do you give them the green light to keep sharing and exploring? Besides people coming to you with ideas, are you your own obstacle when you have ideas? When you dream big things, how do you respond? Do you allow fear, skepticism, or feeling tired get in the way? Do you press on and keep exploring?

When Alice asked if we wanted to have a bullfight, we could have told Alice no, because her idea was weird. If I did that to her over and over again sooner or later, she’d stop sharing ideas. Instead, we said, “Yes, and…” we evolved with the game. Imagination takes time to grow, so if you crush new ideas in the beginning you never have the opportunity to harvest their spectacular fruit.

The challenge: Will you say, “Yes, and…” to the next invisible bullfight that comes your way?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 4 What if we unlearned that obstacles should stop us? (3-2-16)

We’ve talked about recognition and appreciation, so now it’s time to switch gears to talk about determination. This is one of my favorite pictures of Violet. This is her, “Nothing is going to stop me!” look.

Since she was born, Violet has been strong, ornery, and stubborn. (Where did those traits come from?) I believe these super powers of hers are magnified by the fact that she’s a toddler. If you ever want to see true focused “you can’t stop me” determination, you should try to put obstacles in a toddler’s way. I don’t think that toddlers understand the fact that obstacles are supposed to slow them down or stop them. I think this is something they learn over time. Instead of being limited by obstacles, they are so focused on achieving their goal that they just power through.

For example, the other day Violet wanted some cookies. We told her no and put them on the kitchen island out of her reach. We thought that would end the situation. We were wrong. We were playing and all of a sudden we realize Violet had snuck away. Violet had moved a kitchen chair and a bar stool to the island. We watched as she got onto the kitchen chair to climb on the bar stool to get on top of the island. She smiled to herself as she opened up the tub of cookies and grabbed one. I’m not sure this was the best parenting move, but I let her have the cookie. I had way too much appreciation for the determination and problem solving 😉

This is one example. She has figured out baby gates, childproof locks, etc. In each of these instances, Violet could have looked at the obstacle, decided it would be too hard to overcome, and gave up. However, she doesn’t know what an obstacle is, so she doesn’t know it’s supposed to stop her. Instead, she views the obstacle as something she’ll have to power through to get to her goal.

What would happen if we started to look at obstacles like Violet? What if we unlearned the fact that obstacles are supposed to stop us? How would that change the way you worked and lived your life?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 3 The Power of Appreciation (2-24-16)

Last week we talked about recognition and this week we’ll think about appreciation by sharing some pictures I came across on my phone from Christmas.

When I came back to work after holiday break people often asked me how my holidays were. I always told them they were amazing. I loved unplugging from work, getting caught up on sleep, and binge watching some TV shows. Most of all, I loved the Christmas I had with my family. This was by far the best Christmas I’ve ever had.

You might be wondering what was so special. Take a look at the pictures. Look at their faces. Look at the joy and appreciation. That’s why this was the best Christmas ever! Both girls are at a perfect age where they truly appreciated and cherished the gifts they were given. They did these things with such sincerity that I couldn’t help but smile. In the grand scheme of things, the gifts they received were not extravagant. Alice is clutching a maze activity book that probably cost $1. Violet is enthralled with a Little Einstein’s book that might have been $5. It wasn’t the gift that made them smile as much as it was the appreciation that someone cared about them so much that they got them something they would enjoy. I hope they never grow out of this stage.

When was the last time you felt and showed such appreciation? Maybe a family member did something special for you. Maybe a friend gave you a call to check up on you. Maybe a co-worker gave you a pat on the back for a job done well. There have been a lot of things going on in life right now that continue to confirm how precious life, family, and friends really are. How are you showing appreciation for these people and things that make life worth living?

The challenge: Show someone how much you appreciate them this week. Clutch onto life the way Alice holds her maze book and smile as you peruse through life’s pages the way Violet does as she searches for Rocket.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 2 Legos and Recognition (2-17-16)

Last week was a story about recognizing progress. This week is a different recognition story. The other day the girls and I were playing with Legos while my wife was out of the house with some friends. Whenever Alice builds something she thinks is really cool we put it up on the island in our kitchen so she can show her mom later. When we show my wife, Alice gets so excited, and it gives us a chance as parents to encourage her for her creativity, imagination, and the stories she tells.

The picture is of Alice with some Lego creations. Notice that I didn’t say HER Lego creations. She built the tower thing on the left, but the other things you see are things that I built with Violet. Violet and I had just finished building “Dinosaur Truck Tower” and “Helicopter Friend” (Alice’s names for the things) when Alice rushed over and said, “Daddy, these are beautiful. Can I put them on the island to show mommy? She’ll be so proud of you and Violet.”

Alice wasn’t jealous. Alice wasn’t worried that if her mom saw our cool stuff that she’d think Alice’s creations weren’t great. Instead, she was so proud of the work her sister and I did that she wanted to share it with her mom.

Think about our work. We often talk about the need for reward and recognition. We often wait for a boss or someone higher up to notice us. Instead of waiting, why don’t we lift each other up to be seen? How often do you get so excited about the work of your peers that you make the effort to make sure the boss notices them? How do you take their work and put it on your “kitchen island” so everyone else can see what you think is beautiful?

The Challenge: Show someone a peer’s “Lego creation” this week. Show them the beautiful colors, the thought that went into building it. Show them that you are noticing them and you care enough about them that you want to share them and their success with the world.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 1 Cheering on First Steps (2-10-16)

As many of you know, I’m a dad. I have two girls, Violet (2) and Alice (3.5). I’ve learned so much from my girls and over the new few weeks I’d like to share a few of those lessons. This week I want to share what I’ve learned about recognizing progress instead of just results.

When my girls started walking my wife got really excited. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I mean, they could barely take steps. Most of the people on this planet can walk. It’s not that impressive that they can take a few steps. Obviously those last few sentences aren’t true. If they were, I’d be one of the coldest dads out there. When my kids first started taking steps we partied like it was 1999. We yelled. We cheered. We did impromptu happy dances. We gave high fives, hugs, and lots of kisses.

Why would we celebrate this? We celebrated because for them, their first steps were a huge leap forward. Of course we want them to grow up and be coordinated and active individuals, but we know this outcome doesn’t happen overnight. If all we did was constantly compare them to a high bar that is out of their reach they’d be discouraged. We know their progress is worth celebrating to help them believe in themselves, so they can achieve great things.

As they continue to grow up I see how important it is to celebrate progress. Talking always came very easy to Alice. She’s been able to tell full crazy stories since she was really young. This isn’t the case with Violet. Violet’s a little behind in her speech to the point where we have her working with a speech therapist. There are a lot of friends and family members who compare outputs between Alice and Violet. They’ll say, “Violet doesn’t talk as much as Alice at that age. Violet can’t say many words.” What they are saying is true. What they are missing though is all of the progress that Violet is making right now. They are missing how she’s picking up a few more words. They are missing how proud of herself she is when she says words that are new to her like “balloon” or “bubble”. They are missing opportunities to encourage and cheer her on.

Work connection. When is the last time you stopped to reflect on your progress? When is the last time you commended someone else on their progress or on their growth? If you want someone to reach the high bar you are setting for them, you need to help them believe they can reach it. That only happens if you help them realize how far they’ve come and how much closer they are to the goal.

The challenge: Find someone (peer, direct report, friend, family member, etc.) this week and tell them how proud you are of the progress they’ve made.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 4 Feel love. Show love. (7-1-15)

This is going to be the final installment in the lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad and it’s about love.

I knew pretty early on in our relationship that I loved my wife in a way that I had never loved another person. This love continues to grow to this day. I remember when I found out she was pregnant with our first child that I kept wondering how would I ever love another person with as much heart as I put into loving my wife. When Alice was born I quickly learned my heart, that I already thought was full of love, had even more room to share love with this new incredible person in my life.

Time goes by and my wife becomes pregnant with Violet, our second daughter. I kept thinking to myself, “How can I ever love Violet the way I love Alice? How can I have room for that much love in my heart?” I can’t tell you how it happened, but I can tell you that when Violet was born I once again found that I had more capacity for love. Through these experiences I’ve found that love defies physical laws and many things that we have been taught to believe is true. Normally, if you want to have something you need to acquire it. However, love is different. The more love I give away, the more love that comes back to me.

So what does love have to do with work? I try to live each day sharing love. Every high five, compliment, hug, handshake, conversation, etc. is one way of me saying that I love and care about that person. Every transparent bit of honesty, every suggestion I make, any criticism or feedback, I try to do out of love, and I feel that’s the difference between when things go well and they don’t. When that other person knows I care about them and what’s best for them, I can say/do anything that might help them be better. When they don’t know this, even the best of intentions go awry.

The challenge- Feel love. Show love. Spread love.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry