Violet, Meltdowns, and Changing her Environment (3-11-20)

Last week was about Alice and how she needed to be held. This week is about Violet, meltdowns, and shaping the environment in order to drive behavior.

Violet was over tired around Christmas time and desperately needed a nap after traveling to the in-laws and being overstimulated. She refused, eventually throwing a fit and losing control over her emotions. I knew that if I could just get her to slow down she’d fall asleep, take a nap, and be better when she woke up. I decided to change my tactics. I got her in the van to take a drive. I tried to get her to snuggle with a blanket because I knew that would get her to fall asleep, but she refused. I knew arguing with her would just escalate the entire situation. Instead of arguing, I turned on the air conditioning full blast in the middle of December. She eventually got cold, which led her to wrap herself up in a blanket. Once she put on the blanket, she was asleep in two minutes. When she woke up, she was good to go, and had great behavior for the rest of the day. #dadgenius

What does this have to do with anything? In the above story, I knew that I wanted Violet to take a nap to help with her behavior. I also knew that if I set up the right environment, then it would increase her chances of taking a nap. By setting up the right environment around her (making it cold), I drove her to snuggle up with a blanket and fall asleep. In a similar way, as leaders we “control the thermostat” and shape the environment people operate in, which drives the behavior for the team. Think about the teams you’ve been on. What were the different environments like and how did they impact you? I’ve been on teams with an array of different environments. Some environments drove trust and vulnerability. Some drove teamwork and high performance. Some drove competition and mistrust between teammates. Some drove efficiency, while others drove frantic work. In all of these cases, the environment created by the leader and the other folks on the team shaped how people behaved. Environments are not created by accident. Creating the right environment requires being intentional about what you’re trying to accomplish.

The challenge: As a leader, what behaviors are you trying to drive? Are you creating an environment that will drive those behaviors? HOW are you creating that environment?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Alice Needed to be Held (3-4-20)

This week we will start a series on lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. This week will be about my daughter Alice and needing to be held.

I was behind at work. I had SOOOOO much stuff I felt I needed to do. Normally, I don’t work too much at night, I’m more of an early bird, but I was so behind I was looking forward to catching up. Then, my plans changed. Alice (almost 8), had a rough day. Nothing major was horribly wrong, but it was one of those days where you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and couldn’t catch a break for the rest of the day. In fact, she had a few of those days in a row. My wife was putting the girls to bed while I was working, and by this point Alice was a collection of sadness, tears, anger, fury, and so many other emotions. She was fighting with her sister and lashing out at my wife. I knew I had soooo much stuff to do, but from her behavior, I knew that Alice needed snuggles. She needed someone to hold her, to be there with her. I stopped my work, went upstairs, and snuggled up beside her. I was there for a long time, eventually falling asleep. I got up the next day, still far behind in my work and not where I wanted to be, but with a daughter who woke up feeling loved.

What does this have to do with anything? There are two connections I’d like us to consider. First, much like Alice, I think we all need to be held sometimes. Held could be in the physical sense, but often it’s in the emotionally supportive sense. Maybe it’s having lunch, fishing, visiting, or just sitting together that lets someone know they aren’t alone. This embrace gives them strength.

The other connection is that it’s easy to get caught up and view the need to stop and embrace others as an inconvenience. It’s easy to say, “I have so much to do that I can’t stop for that right now.” Have you ever felt that way? I have…even with my own kids sometimes. It’s easy to feel this way and miss that tender and powerful moment, because you won’t necessarily be penalized. You won’t be penalized, but you will miss out on the power and love that moment will give you. You’ll miss out on the chance to help someone and to become a little closer.

The challenges: Will you allow yourself to be “held”? Will you stop to “hold” others?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 8 Learning to Ride a Bike and Cheering Others On (7-10-19)

I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday. In my last entry I mentioned we were going to be done with lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. However, something neat happened over the holiday week, so I have one more story about my daughters. This is about bike riding and cheering others on.

A few weeks ago I shared a story about how my daughter Alice (7) faced her fears and learned how to ride her bike. This was a big deal for her. She had to work hard, and it took hours of her trying and facing her fears before she was able to ride without training wheels. Last week, Violet (5) learned how to ride her bike without training wheels. Violet is more physically gifted than Alice. It probably took about 10 minutes for Violet to get the hang of it. Now, Violet can ride her bike without training wheels and is faster than Alice could ever hope to be. (#ridingabikewhilewearinganinjaturtlehelmetlikeaboss)

We had been praising Alice for riding her bike for 2 weeks. We’d talked about how awesome it was and how proud of her we were. Then, all of a sudden Violet comes through and learns how to do the same thing in a matter of minutes. I assumed Alice was going to be upset when Violet learned how to ride. I assumed Alice was going to be jealous of how easy it came to Violet. I assumed Alice would be irritated that Violet is better than her at something, especially because Violet is 2 years younger. I was wrong. Instead of being upset, Alice encouraged and congratulated Violet. Alice was so excited for her sister, and didn’t care about any of those things I thought she might be concerned about.

What does this have to do with anything? Take the bike riding example above, and imagine yourself as Alice and the other people you know as Violet. How would you react toward “Violet” when they got “the promotion”, “the great opportunity”, “perfected a new skill”, or “got a new job” either before you or faster than you ever did? I don’t know about you, but I’m not always as gracious and encouraging as Alice is. Sometimes I get jealous. Sometimes I see other people get things and my first thought is, “Why not me? Aren’t I as good as them? I’m the one who deserves that.”

What Alice understood is that Violet learning how to ride a bike has nothing to do with Alice learning how to ride a bike. Just because Violet learned how to ride a bike easier and at a younger age, it doesn’t take away the fact that Alice overcame a fear. Also, Alice also knows there are areas in life where things come easier to her than they do with Violet. Because Alice knows these things, she is able to cheer on her sister instead of being consumed by jealousy and bitterness.

The challenge: Will you cheer on or grow jealous of others?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 7 Parenting, Vacations, and Expectations (6-26-19)

I’m back after a relaxing week of vacation. I hope you’re all doing well. This is the final entry in this series about lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. This week is about kids, vacations, and expectations. Special shout out to Tara Walton for the inspiration.

I recently returned from a week long vacation with my family and my wife’s family. This is a trip we take every year, and we always have a blast. I can still remember the first time we ever went on vacation with the kids. Before that, vacation had always just been my wife and myself. No responsibilities. No cares. No real plans. It was super easy to go with the flow. When we had kids, that all changed. We have a lot of fun on vacation, but it’s a heck of a lot different than it was just my wife and myself. Not only do we eat at different restaurants and do different activities, but vacations with the family add a whole additional level of responsibilities. Now, I have to get myself ready and focus on my well-being, while also taking care of two other crazy small humans ready as well. It’s still fun, just different. Can you relate?

You might wonder where this is going. A few weeks ago I was talking to my boss, Tara, about a situation I was facing at work. I explained that I was frustrated, because I thought the situation was going to be X and it turned out to be Y. The difference between X and Y was causing irritation on my end. Have you ever had that happen at work? After I explained the situation to her she jokingly said, “Sounds like you had the wrong expectations. It’s like going on vacation. A vacation with the family is a lot of fun, but it’s a lot different than just you and your wife. If you thought the vacation with your family would be the same as a vacation with you and your wife, you’d be disappointed.” (#inspirationforthisblog)

After she made the joke, she said something like, “So what are you going to do? Sounds like you went into it thinking it was one thing and you found out it wasn’t. You can either continue being disappointed or you can change your expectations and how you’ll respond moving forward.” From there we talked about how this situation is never going to be X, so I need to let that go. I need to embrace that the situation is Y. Y isn’t bad. Y is different. I needed to change my perspective and behaviors accordingly to make Y work. That’s my choice. It’s your choice too. We all have the ability to reexamine our expectations and adjust accordingly.

The challenge: Are you setting the right expectations for yourself in any given situation? How do you adapt when things don’t meet your expectations?

Side note: I’ll be out next week for the 4^th of July holiday, so you won’t hear from me.

Have a jolly good day and enjoy the 4^th!

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 5 Biking and Bravery (6-5-19)

Last week was about small, medium, and big deals. This week is about bike riding and bravery. Recently, we taught my daughter how to ride her bike. I love Alice to pieces, but this was not easy. Alice is great at many things, but physical coordination is not one of them. Also, she was terrified of going faster than a crawl on her bike which made it hard to balance. The second we let go of her seat she’d get scared, stop pedaling, and then crash.

We worked and worked and worked with her and she was frustrated. She told us she couldn’t do it because she was scared. She was ready to give up and I told her, “Alice, I’m not asking you to stop being afraid. This is scary, and that’s okay. Am asking you to be, and right now being brave means you pedal and pedal and pedal. Do you think you can do that?” She said she could, so I told her to keep saying, “Pedal, pedal, pedal,” as we went. We do this a couple of times with me holding her seat, and then I finally sneakily let go. I run beside her with my hand behind her and she thinks I’m holding on, and she keeps pedaling. She crashes after 15 feet. She’s frustrated, until I tell her I wasn’t holding on. I told her she was brave and kept pedaling, and asked if she could keep doing that. Soon 15 feet become 50 became 65 became 149 became 264, and now we don’t measure because she can ride her bike pretty well. #touchedandprouddad

You might wonder where this is going. Alice was terrified, so she couldn’t ride her bike and thought the only way she’d ever ride her bike is if the fear went away. Life doesn’t work like that. The fear never fully disappears, the bravery fills the space and pushes fear to the corners. In her case being brave meant she just had to keep pedaling. Now think about work. Think about all the different situations we enter that are scary. I’m not asking us to stop being afraid. I’m asking us to be brave. Sometimes, being brave means holding your ground in a conversation even though it causes tension. Sometimes being brave is about embracing your ignorance and trying to see something from someone else’s perspective. Sometimes, being brave is owning your mistakes. Sometimes, being brave is wading into a difficult conversation to give someone feedback. Sometimes being brave is opening up to others.

The challenge: How will you be brave?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 4 Small, Medium, or Big Deal (5-29-19)

This week we will build on what matters and perspective by looking at my very advanced scientifically based parenting classification system of small deal, medium deal, and big deal. I was in the kitchen eating my breakfast when Alice started yelling. I asked her, “What is going on?” She explained to me that she had lost her bracelet toy thing. I then looked at her and said, “Is that a small deal, a medium deal, or a big deal?” She replied that it was a small deal, so my next question was, “When are we allowed to freak out?” She replied, “When it’s a big deal.” Finally, I said, “So should you be freaking out now? Take a breath and go solve your problem.” She looked in her room and found the bracelet 10 seconds later.

This classifying of small, medium, or big is a common thing at my house. Small deals are minor annoyances that shouldn’t even phase you. Big deals are when someone is badly hurt or likely to get badly hurt. Big deals usually require a grown-up to help resolve. Everything else is a medium deal, which can often be frustrating, but can be resolved without freaking out. I’ve been a parent for 7 years and only encountered a handful of big deal moments.

I see two connections to work. First, reflect on some of the stressful situations you’ve faced at work. Now ask yourself, “Was that situation that caused you stress a small deal, a medium deal, or a big deal?” I don’t know about you, but I very rarely have ever had to deal with a big deal moment at work. Most of the time I deal with small deals or medium deals, and it just so happens that they get blown up to be more than they really are. Sometimes, it’s the organization that blows them up. Sometimes, it’s a leader. Sometimes, it’s all on me, getting caught up in the frenzy and losing perspective.

The other connection is that as a dad, I’m one of the co-leaders of the household. As the leader, it is my job to deescalate things, and help my daughters see that the thing they are freaking out about is really a medium deal and everything will be fine. As a leader, you have tremendous power and responsibility. If you allow and/or enable small and medium deals to become big deals, you create unnecessary stress and pain for everyone else you work with. If you are able to help people keep things in perspective, you give your team the ability to focus on the things that truly matter.

The challenge: Are you taking the time to pause and decide if it is a small, medium, or big deal? Are you setting the tone of what is a small, medium, or big deal with your teams?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 3 Relationships and Moments Make our Lives (5-22-19)

Last week was about looking at things differently. This week is about dropping Violet off at school and the power of relationships and moments.

Let me set the scene. It had been a tough couple of weeks at work. My mind was lost in stress and exhaustion. I was thinking about all of the calls and meetings I needed to be on, all the places I needed to be, all the cats I needed to herd, all the things I needed to accomplish, and all the challenges ahead.

That morning I took Violet to school. I walked her to her room, my brain living in stress, continually thinking about how far behind and out of it I felt. I gave Violet a big hug, dropped her off, and then started walking down the hall to the parking lot. All of a sudden I hear sprinting feet and Violet yelling, “Daddy! Daddy!” I stopped and turned around to see her sprinting toward me. I asked her what was going on. She gets to me and says, “I forgot to give you a big kiss!” I scoop her up and she gives me a few big kisses, squeezes me as tight as she can, says, “We’re good now. Love you,” and then she jumps down and runs to her class. I watch her run, all of the stress and everything melts away, and I find myself feeling lighter. There I was lost in stress, and in one quick second all that was gone as her joy and love washed over me in that moment. (Maybe I teared up a bit when this happened, because I know I won’t get moments like that forever.)

You might be wondering where this is going. It’s easy to get lost in the stress of work, where everything feels important and daunting. It’s easy to think that your life is work and the projects that you do, but it’s not. It’s easy to get lost in what feels like a never ending cycle of stress and anxiety. Our lives are so much more than what we get lost in during stressful days. Our lives are so much more than the day to day grind and minutiae.

My life is lived in the relationships I have with my family and friends and the moments we have together. My life is a 5 year old sprinting to give me a kiss in the hallway, laughing with my wife, a water balloon fight that turns into a block party, snuggles at bedtime, reading a book in a hammock, having good beer with friends, spontaneous dance parties, joking with colleagues, celebrating firsts and big accomplishments, seeing growth, etc. What kind of relationships and moments make up your life?

The challenge: Don’t lose sight that your life is more than work. Your life is relationships and moments.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 2 Laundry Baskets, Snowball Fights, and Looking at Things Differently (5-15-19)

Last week was about Into the Spider-verse and fighting biases. This week is about laundry baskets, “snowball” fights, and looking at things differently.

Over Christmas break in 2018 we started a new family tradition. There was no snow and nothing to do outside, so we decided to play indoor capture the flag where we used socks as snowballs. We set up forts throughout the house and then brought down laundry baskets filled with socks to throw at each other. It was me and my wife vs. our daughters and their friend. The rules are simple. First team to get all three flags into their fort wins. If you get hit with a “snowball” you have to drop the flag and you can’t pick it up.

There we are in the midst of an intense battle when I see this thing whiz by me in the kitchen. I look up and realize that Violet has taken the laundry basket that was holding the snowballs and put it over her body as a moveable shield. Complete genius! My wife and I can’t hit her, because she’s ducked low and covered like a turtle. She leads her team to a victory. The interesting thing is that we had played several rounds and every round the laundry basket was the thing that held the snowballs. We never thought it could have any other use or purpose. However, Violet saw something else. She realized that by rethinking what the laundry basket was, she could use it in a new way to win.

You might be wondering what this has to do with anything. As a 5 year old with a feral imagination, Violet has taught us how to look at things differently. She consistently challenges us to reassess our assumptions. She has taught me that those things that I think are for recycling are actually parts to make a robot rocket dinosaur transformer who is programmed to save the universe. She has taught me that jump ropes are jump ropes and lassos and pulley systems to help her raise and lower stuffed animals over the balcony.

Now think about work for a moment. How often at work do we find ourselves looking at the same thing the same way over and over and over again? How often do we have a project or a process that we take at face value, just because that is the way it is presented to us? What we often fail to realize is that when presented with something (or someone) we have a choice. We can accept them at face value or we can look at them from different perspectives to find value we never knew existed.

The challenge: How will you reexamine things and people to find something new?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 1 Spider-verse and Biases (5-8-19)

This week I’d like to kick off a series of lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. We’ll start with a lesson from my daughter watching Spiderman: Into the Spider-verse, a beautifully animated and great movie.

In case you aren’t familiar with the movie, the film follow Miles Morales on his hero journey to become Spider-man. I was watching this movie with my girls and my oldest daughter Alice (7) was initially confused. She saw Miles Morales, a young man who is African American and Puerto Rican, and she said, “How can he be Spider-man? He doesn’t look anything like Peter Parker.” She asked this, because she’s used to seeing Spider-man portrayed as Peter Parker, a white male. That’s how he’s been represented in most media she has seen.

I paused for a second and asked, “Why couldn’t Miles be Spider-man? What does it take to be Spider-man?” From there Alice thought about it and said something along the lines of, “Well, I guess if he has spider like powers and can swing from webs and beat up the bad guys he could be Spider-man.” Fast forward in the movie and not only does she watch Miles become Spider-man, but she sees Gwen Stacy as Spider-Woman. This blew Alice’s mind. She went into a movie thinking Spider-man had to be a white male in his 20s to 30s and left realizing that anyone has the potential to be a Spider-Woman or Spider-man, which means that SHE could be a superhero too!

You might be wondering what this has to do with anything. This moment in parenting taught me a few things.

Representation matters. It’s not the only thing, but it is an important first step. In the case of this movie, not only was their representation of different people, but there was meaningful representation. I was so moved by Miles’s story. How can we ensure that at a MINIMUM we have the right people and a variety of people on our teams and in our organizations?
I realized that, just like Alice, we all have our biases that shape our worldview. “Spider-man must be a white male.” “A manager is X.” “A leader is Y.” “A good employee does A, B, and C.” What are we doing to keep these biases in check?
I love how Alice redefined what it would take to be Spider-man. She basically said, “If the person can do the things Spider-man can do, then they can be Spider-man.” She was basing this on behaviors. As we think about good leaders/bosses/employees how often are we focusing on their behaviors vs. their style. I’d argue that a leader’s job is to move people toward a vision in the right ways. If a person does those things, they are a leader, no matter what their official role or style is.

The challenge: How will confront and overcome your biases?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Coaching- Putting Effort into Giving Critical and Positive Feedback (2-6-19)

Last week was about showing yourself the same level of coaching compassion as you show others. This week’s entry is about putting in equal effort to providing positive and critical feedback to individuals.

I have two girls, Violet (5) and Alice (almost 7). As a parent I feel the majority of my job is coaching them in some way, shape, or form. When my kid does something small that’s wrong I usually respond with a quick, “Hey, are you supposed to be doing that?” When it is something more serious, I call them over to me. I crouch down to their level and look them right in the eyes as I talk with them. Then the conversation usually goes something like, “Violet, are you supposed to hit your sister with your ninja turtle sword? Why did you hit her? Why shouldn’t we hit each other? What will happen if you continue to behave in this way?” The reason why I call them over and then crouch down is because I want them to know I take them and their behavior very seriously, and you can see from the look on their faces that when I stop and do this the message usually sinks in..

I more or less do the same thing if they are exhibiting positive behavior. The small good things they do get a quick, “Good job!” and a high five. However, there are times when their positive behavior deserves more than a quick “good job!” and high five. When this occurs, I call them over, get down on their level, and talk to them. These conversations usually go like this, “Violet, I saw that you were getting frustrated, but you managed to calm down and then solve your problem. Good job being able to calm down. I know that’s incredibly hard, but look at how you were able to do it after you took time to breathe and calm down. You did so great, and I’m so proud of you. Keep it up.” Just like in the other example, slowing down, getting on their level, and having a deeper conversation helps the message sink in.

You might be wondering what this has to do with work and giving feedback. Do you give the same intention and effort into giving positive feedback that you put into giving critical feedback? In my experiences, most people don’t. In my experience, people are often apt to give critical feedback on a more regular basis and tend to have a little more thought behind it. However, when it comes to giving positive feedback it is often sparse and consists of a generic, “Good job!” Some positive feedback is better than never receiving positive feedback. However, putting a little extra time and effort into sitting down with someone and giving them more specific reasons on why something was good is more motivating and impactful than generic comments.

The challenge: Can you give the same intention and effort into giving critical and positive feedback?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry