Parenting and Being Okay Joining the Failure Club (7-17-24)

Last week was about flumping. This week is about facing challenges, being human, and being okay with joining the failure club.

Recently, Alice played The Legend of Zelda A Link to the Past, which originally came out for Super Nintendo. She struggled quite a bit when she fought Ganon, the final boss, and as a result she became overstimulated and incredibly frustrated. I asked her to pause for a second to catch her breath, and then I asked her what was going on. Exasperated, she told me that she kept missing Ganon with her sword and how she kept screwing up. Reading in between the lines, I could see that she felt like a total failure and that she was the only one to make mistakes like this.

After hearing this I started a funny rant that went like this, “Congratulations! You are now a member of the ‘I missed Ganon with my sword’ club. Anyone who has ever played this game and made it this far is a member of that club. In fact, not only am I a member, but I’m the president of the club. If you give me a few minutes, I’ll even go and stamp your membership card.” Alice busted out laughing. My funny rant made her realize that she wasn’t uniquely a failure. It made her realize that EVERYONE has been in the same boat as her. Once she realized this, she wasn’t as frustrated. She defeated Ganon and saved Hyrule shortly after.

What does this have to do with anything? When you fail at something, do you ever feel like you are alone? Do you ever feel like you must suck or be a horrible person? I know I do. If you’ve ever failed, I’d like to take a moment to welcome you to the “I failed, which makes me human” club.Anyone who has ever lived is a member of this club. If you want, I can even stamp your membership card and give you a sticker 😉 All kidding aside, we are all miraculously flawed and beautiful humans. None of us are ever truly alone in our failures and mistakes. Somewhere there is a larger club with thousands, millions, and even billions of people who have been through something similar. You are never alone. Take solace and strength from that.

The challenge: How will you embrace your membership in the “I’m a messy human club”?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Learning to Listen to What You Need (7-10-24)

I hope you all enjoyed the 4^th of July holiday! The last entry was about expanding your comfort zone. This entry is about listening to what you need.

Cam came home after a particularly long rehearsal and was irritable. It had been a long week of rehearsals and other commitments. He was exhausted and grouchy. He comes home and says, “I’m grumpy. I just need to go flump.” In our house, flumping is like collapsing onto a softer cushiony service like a bed or a chair. Sometimes the flump also includes snuggling, reading, or just listening to music. In this instance, Cam flumped on his bed in his room and read his favorite book for 10-15 minutes. He then emerged from his room feeling so much better and was ready to face the world again. (Pic from Pawz Pet Café where you can go to snuggle some cats. #advancedflumping)

What does this have to do with anything? I love and am so impressed with how well Cameron can listen to what he needs in a moment and then act on that. He knew he was irritable and grumpy, and he knew that all he needed was 10-15 minutes to read to recharge his batteries. That’s wisdom and awareness that I don’t always have.

Meanwhile, here is how things play out for me. I don’t fully understand how upset I am at the moment and continue to keep pushing forward while a lot of time goes by. Eventually, I accidentally stumble into doing something along the way that is what I need whether that’s going on a walk, writing, reading a book, or something else. All of a sudden I feel a bit better, and then I say to myself, “Dang, I didn’t realize how much negative energy I was carrying. I wish I would have paused and did this thing sooner to deal with it.” Anyone else like that, or is it just me? I’m getting a bit better at listening to myself, but I’m not where I want to be yet.

The challenge: How can we do a better job of listening to ourselves and taking action?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Expanding Your Comfort Zone (6-26-24)

A person holding a staff

Description automatically generated Last week was about parenting and tailoring support. This week is about expanding your comfort zone.

About a year ago, Cameron watched his sister in The Wizard of Oz on the big stage in the spring play. This sparked Cam’s interest in doing something similar. The only problem was that he was nervous and scared to do something like that. This was outside of his comfort zone. Instead of giving up, Cam thought about things he could do to expand his current comfort zone, so being on the big stage wouldn’t be such a big leap. He started by signing up for a puppet camp last summer. Then he signed up and participated in a fall show with younger kids. He found he enjoyed those two things, and this gave him the confidence to be in a bigger show. A few weeks ago, he was on the big stage in Beauty and the Beast. He was in the ensemble, so mainly in the background as a villager and a dancing spoon. However, he ended up getting one line. He’s proud of being the angry mob member who yelled, “Kill him!” which started everyone to go after the Beast. Now that he’s had one line, he’s starting to think about auditioning for a bigger part next year. The audition is a little daunting, so he’s already thinking of smaller things he can do to stretch his comfort zone for that.

What does this have to do with anything? Cam saw how far out of his comfort zone being on stage was, and instead of giving up he became INTENTIONAL about taking small steps to expand his comfort zone. The first couple of shows gave him confidence. Then practicing for the big show set up him for success. By the time he was on the show, he was 100% feeling himself, and I loved his swagger 😉 Now think about your own life. Are there things you’d like to do outside of your comfort zone? Those things might seem too big and too scary now, but are there small steps you can take to move toward them?

The challenge: How will you expand your comfort zone?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting, Obstacle Course Races, and Tailoring Support (6-19-24)

Last week was about Alice’s wisdom, “Have a day you can be proud of.” This week is a story about parenting, obstacle course racing, and tailoring support. Shout out to Mud Run – Hollis Adams for putting on such a fabulous family friendly event.

On Saturday, Alice joined me for her first ever obstacle course race. To say that she was nervous would be a major understatement. I told her it was okay to be nervous, and that I’d be there beside her. I explained that I wasn’t going to swoop in and do the obstacles for her, but I would be there to help her if she needed it. Sometimes, helping her looked like me giving her advice on how to attempt an obstacle. Sometimes, support looked like me giving her a boost, so she could get her footing while climbing a muddy creek bank. Sometimes, support looked like me saying, “I know you’re scared because you’re on top of this tall wall. You can still do this. I’m here. Just swing your leg over.” Sometimes, support looked like me just cheering her on and high fiving her for conquering an obstacle. By the end of the race, we had achieved our goals, and Alice was so excited and proud of herself. I was super pumped too! (The picture on the right is out before picture. The after picture is at the bottom).

What does this have to do with anything? There were several times where Alice was nervous or flat out scared. It would have been EASY for me to do all the work for her, but that would have robbed her of a chance to grow and see what she was capable of. Instead of doing it for her, I helped and offered support. That support took different forms based on HER needs in that specific moment. Now think about work for a minute. The best leaders I ever had weren’t the ones who swooped in and saved me from a challenge. The best leaders I ever had were the ones who knew how to tailor their support to the situation. Sometimes, I needed explicit direction, because I was lost. Sometimes, I needed a thought partner to challenge my assumptions. Sometimes, I just needed someone to say, “I trust you. Go get’em!”

The challenge: How will you tailor the coaching and support you give to people?

Bonus lesson- I mentioned that Alice was nervous about the race. In particular, she was worried about what would happen if she wasn’t strong enough to handle an obstacle. She’s a planner and needed to know how things would work out. I needed her to trust that I was strong and able to help her in any situation. Here’s what I did. I came home after my 20 miles of racing, and said, “I did 20 miles of racing yesterday. I’m at my weakest and most tired point. I need you to know that even now, I’m strong enough to support you. I want you to know that I’ve helped boost and lift people who are my size, so you’ll be easy. We are going to practice, so you know how this will work.” From there, we practiced me giving her boosts and lifting her up. I even had her sit on my shoulders while I squatted her for reps. I walked around the house with her on my shoulders, so she knew I could carry her. I know this all sounds ridiculous, but those actions showed her that she could trust my strength. She realized that if I was able to do that when I was tired and weak, I’d be even better when I was rested up for our race. As a leader, I’m not asking you to pick up people and squat them for reps (I’m pretty sure HR would frown on that 😉). I am asking you to consider what you could do to inspire trust in the people you lead.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting Lessons- “Have a day you can be proud of.” (6-12-24)

This week we will kick off a series about lessons I’ve learned being a parent. This entry contains some deep wisdom from Alice (12) about having a day you can be proud of.

A couple of months ago I was getting ready to leave for the office and I told the kids, “Have a good day!” Alice responded with, “Have a day you can be proud of.” I paused for a minute and said, “That’s different. Never heard that one before.” Alice then started dropping knowledge. She explained that a lot of things could happen that might make the day good or bad, but I could choose how to handle those things and how I handled them could make me proud of myself. Since then, “Have a day you can be proud of,” has become Alice’s parting phrase, and it’s stuck with me ever since.

What does this have to do with anything? At its core, Alice’s insight is that we can CHOOSE how to respond to things and that makes all the difference. The day might end up being good or the day might end up being bad. However, you have the POWER to ensure it’s a day you feel proud of. It might rain all day, and you can choose to dance in that rain instead of grumbling. You might get blindsided by challenges, and you can choose to lean into the situation instead of running away. You might get knocked down, and you can choose to get back up instead of surrendering. There is so much power in how you choose to respond.

The challenge: What will you do to ensure you have a day you can be proud of?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting- Doing the Right Thing is Exhausting (8-30-23)

This is going to be the last entry about lessons I’ve learned being a dad. This week is about how doing the right thing is exhausting.

The other day my wife and I collapsed on the couch. We were mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. Parenting had beaten us down over the past few weeks. Have any other parents felt like that? Anyway, we looked at each other and started talking about how it would be so much easier things could be. It would be easier to use our authority to control our kids vs give them freedom. It would be easier if we just told our kids to suck it up vs helped them identify and deal with their emotions. It would be easier to tell the kids that the things that bother them don’t matter vs helping them figure out how to work through them. It would be so much easier stop them from ever experiencing pain and rejection vs watching them go through those things. Those things would be easier, and we probably wouldn’t be so tired. All of those things would be easier, but they probably wouldn’t be best for our kids. The hard things are exhausting, and they are worth it. My kids are so much stronger, compassionate, independent, and well-rounded than they have ever been. They have grown so much, and I couldn’t be prouder.

What does this have to do with anything? Doing the right thing is exhausting. The above examples might have been framed as parenting situations, but they likely apply to any relationship you could be in. Think about work for a minute. What are other scenarios we find ourselves in where doing the right thing is exhausting? It’s easier to go along trying to do everything vs taking the time to make tough prioritization decisions. It’s easier to not give tough feedback to someone vs holding them accountable for their performance. It’s easier to get lost in the day to day vs carving out time to be strategic about where you are trying to go. Doing the right thing is hard. If you ever find yourself exhausted after doing the right thing day in and day out, just know that’s okay. Know that’s normal. Doing the right thing is exhausting, AND it’s necessary for growth. When you find yourself tired, take care of yourself, rest up, and continue doing your best to fight the good fight.

The challenge: Will you keep doing the hard thing, even when it’s exhausting?

Bonus- Last week I had the honor of performing poetry at our Level Up DEI conference. The poem is about fitting in vs belonging. Follow this link if you want to check it out. https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:7102454896259469312/

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting Mistakes and Taking Accountability (8-23-23)

Last week was about exploring and being curious. This week is about parenting mistakes and taking accountability.

Let me set the scene. I had been trying to fix the toilet. I was irritated, sweating, wet, and just straight up grumpy. I go from this to jumping into a parenting situation, and I get way too angry about something that doesn’t even really matter. I’m yelling at Cameron and saying things like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?! I ASKED YOU TO DO ONE LITTLE THING!!!! GO DO WHAT I TOLD YOU TO DO!!!” Cam just looks at me like a deer trapped in headlights. My wife comes in from the garage to see what the heck is going on. That’s when it hit me that I had totally lost my mind. I take a couple of deep breaths, go to Cameron and say, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you, and you didn’t deserve to be yelled at. This had nothing to do with you and everything to do with how frustrated I am with the stupid toilet right now. I’m sorry.” It took Cam a few minutes to get out of deer trapped in headlights mode, and then he was okay, and he knew we were cool. #notmybestparentingmoment

What does this have to do with anything? We aren’t going to get it right every time. We are human. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to lose our cool. We are going to say/do things we shouldn’t have done. When we make those mistakes, all we can do is recognize them, take accountability, apologize, and work to make things right. While losing my cool wasn’t my best parenting moment, I think modeling to Cam what accountability looks like and what apologizing looks like are important lessons.

Think about work for a moment. Think about the people who have made mistakes and refused to take accountability. How did that feel? How did that impact your relationship with them? Have you ever been that person? I know I have. On the flip side, have you worked with people who have taken accountability for their mistakes? How did that transform your relationship with them? There are few things more impressive to me than folks who are willing to own their mistakes. It’s one of the quickest ways to gain my trust.

The challenge: How will you take accountability for your mistakes?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Taking Things Apart, Exploring, and Being Curious (8-16-23)

Last week was about defaulting to compassion. This week is about taking things apart, exploring, and being curious.

This week kicked off our 4^th year of homeschool. On top of my wife teaching the kids at home, they also have a couple of co-op programs they attend. This semester my wife is teaching a class at the co-op that is all about taking things apart. On Monday she brought in a bunch of old printers that people had donated to her. She gave the class their own set of safety goggles and tools, a quick lesson about tools and safety, and then let them get to work dismantling the printers. The class LOVED this! They went right to work with their tools, carefully deconstructing the printers to gain a deeper understanding of how they worked. They loved having their curiosity guide them as they explored things they hadn’t seen before. At the end of the class, they asked my wife if they could keep some of the pieces from inside the printers to keep studying.

What does this have to do with anything? Have you ever been in a situation where you thought to yourself, “Why wasn’t that person more curious? If they would have just asked a few more questions they could have figured it out instead of jumping to a poor solution?” I know I’ve thought things like that. Have you ever been the person who didn’t take the time to explore? I’ve been that person too.

Our story this week is all about taking the time to be curious and explore something. I’m assuming that many of us were like those kids when we were younger. Maybe we loved taking things apart with our hands. Maybe we loved asking zillions of questions to understand how EVERYTHING works. As we get older, it’s easy to lose that curiosity. It’s easy to get so caught up that we lose the willingness to explore things. As a result, we miss out on the chance to think critically about how things work and we miss out on opportunities to make things better. Just think about how much better work and life would be if we all spent a few extra moments from time-to-time deconstructing and exploring things, whether they are policies, machines, relationships, or our own feelings.

The challenge: How will you make the time to explore and be curious?

#mywifeisprettyamazing

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Defaulting to Compassion (8-9-23)

Last week was about being curious vs judgmental in tough conversations. This week is about not knowing what to do and defaulting to compassion.

The other week I was trying my best to deal with a particularly challenging parenting situation. By the end of the day, I was exhausted and exasperated. I talked to my wife and said, “I’m just lost right now. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how to support and help our kids. There’s no playbook for this. I think we might need to talk to the therapist about this to get some ideas.” My wife responded with something along the lines of, “Yeah, this is really tough and been hard for some time. Maybe the therapist will have some ideas. There’s not exactly a play to follow with specific moves to make. However, there are general guidelines and the first is to always try to act with compassion in the situation. As long as we can keep doing that, we can figure everything else out.”

What does this have to do with anything? I don’t know about you, but sometimes I find myself in situations where I’m not exactly sure how to lead. I’m not exactly sure how to navigate the conversation. I’m not exactly sure what to do. When this happens, it’s easy to freeze, because there is no clear path forward. However, like my wife said, while there may not always be a clear step by step guide to follow, I can always act with compassion. I can always ensure that my next move is to step CLOSER to someone vs create distance. I can always put forth the effort to try to understand and show empathy. We may not always know the best path to take, and acting with compassion will NEVER be a bad choice.

The challenge: How are you acting with compassion in messy and challenging situations?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Tough Conversations and Being Curious vs Judgmental (8-2-23)

Last week was about transforming experiences with a little effort. This week is about tough conversations and being curious vs judgmental.

A few weeks ago, my dad told me that he wanted to talk to me about parenting and my kids. Right now, I’m assuming that a fair amount of you reading this are cringing, because you can see how quickly this can go poorly. Parenting easily can feel extremely personal. I’ve been in those situations where the conversation is just a sneaky way for the person to judge you and tell you everything you’re doing is wrong without understanding your situation. Have you? Those chats don’t particularly feel good. The conversation with my dad wasn’t anything like that. It was a great chat, because the moment we sat down he made it clear that he wanted to understand things from my perspective.

He starts by admitting that he can only see one part of what is going and that he doesn’t have the full story. He also acknowledges that the rules have changed a lot from when he and my mom raised my brother and me. This sets the stage that this is a conversation to learn and not judge. From there we dive in. He shares an observation he has and how he is connecting the dots based on his experience. I respond by saying that I also have seen what he has observed, and I can see how he connects the dots the way he does. Then, I offer some additional context he doesn’t see every day and how that’s shaping the parenting decisions we are making. We keep repeating this pattern as we dive deep. We talk about parenting in a completely different world and entirely different challenges he and my mom didn’t have to encounter. We talk about mental health and navigating how to parent and lead in a family with neurodivergence. I talk about how we are thankful to have therapists to help us navigate situations that I’m not equipped to lead through. We talk about my family’s decision to homeschool, and how we are constantly balancing mental, physical, emotional, and social health with that decision. We talk about the fine balance between showing support and raising resilient kids, especially in a world that may not accept them. I share how I feel I’m over my head sometimes, because there isn’t an obvious playbook to navigate all these situations and sometimes it’s just about making the best trade-offs with the information we have. Throughout all of this, my dad asks follow-up questions to better understand and shares how he had never considered some of the angles before. By the end of everything, I can’t say that my dad fully understands or fully agrees with all my decisions. It would be hard to fully understand without being in the same situation. At the same time, I can say that he has a deeper understanding and that he is not passing judgment. I left the conversation feeling so good that we had it, and blessed I have a dad I can talk about these things with.

What does this have to do with anything? Think about work and life for a minute. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were going to have a conversation to share ideas, when the other person just wanted to pass judgement? Have you ever been that person who passed judgment instead of seeking to understand? I know I’ve been that person. We like to think that we are open minded and non-judgmental, but how true is that? How open are we to learning and considering something different from what we believe? In our story this week, there are so many ways that conversation could have went poorly and ultimately caused harm to our relationship, but it didn’t because my dad approached things from a place of genuine curiosity.

The challenge: Are you TRULY seeking to understand? How open are you to learning and growing?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry