Feedback and Jumping the Gun (10-7-15)

Last week was about how giving feedback can be a way to show someone you recognize them and value them. This week we’ll dive into one of the mistakes we make when we give people feedback, but first a scene from the Embry house. Pretend you are in the living room sitting on the couch, while Violet (20 months) and Alice (3.5) are playing together in the other room. All of a sudden you hear Violet get upset. You walk into the room and Violet is crying, pointing at Alice, who is holding a toy. What do you think just happened and who do you need to give feedback to?

Your past experiences impact what you think just happened. Maybe you assume that Violet is crying because Alice took a toy from her. Maybe, Alice hit her with the toy. Maybe Alice had the toy all along and Violet is just throwing a tantrum because she can’t have it. There are countless variations of what could have occurred, so the first thing you need to do is figure out what actually happened. Once you know this, you know whether to talk to Alice about how it’s wrong to take toys away or to talk to Violet about calming down and not being a drama queen.

You probably see where this is going. Has anyone ever given you feedback on something before they understood the situation? This has happened to me before, and I know I’ve done it to other people (Yep, I’m not perfect. Still can’t walk on water). Someone has seen something, come to me and said, “Here is some feedback. I noticed that you were trying to do X, which led to Y, so next time you need to do Z.” I’m sitting there thinking, “I definitely messed up, but it has nothing to do with X. Actually, I was trying to do A, and I didn’t realize that would be a problem, which led to B, so next time I need to do C.” The person’s feedback would have me solving the wrong problem, which wouldn’t help me out in the long-run.

If this has happened to you, how did it make you feel? Would you want to make people feel that way? Would you have felt better if the person would have taken a few moments to ask questions to better understand the situation?

The challenge. Can you stop a moment to understand what happened before delivering feedback? If you want to read more about this concept, check out this short article by clicking HERE.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Feedback can be Recognition (9-30-15)

He tells me, “Sometimes people say you come across as…brash…abrasive.” And when he said this I felt ______. Take a guess.

We’ll finish this story in a minute. Over the next few weeks this blog will focus on giving and receiving feedback. This week’s entry is inspired by a leader I admire. Recently we had a Marketing Town Hall and during the event we had a panel of marketers across business units who shared some of their thoughts about engagement related topics. The group was talking about reward and recognition and a leader offered an insight that made me stop and think. He said something along the lines of, “We often think about the reward that goes with recognition. Sometimes the best recognition is feedback.” He went on to comment about how offering feedback to people is a way of showing that you are paying attention to them and that you care. At our core, isn’t this what we really want, to know that someone else cares about us? Unique perspective, huh?

So how did I feel when Bob (fake name) gave me the feedback that I can be brash and abrasive? Full transparency. The initial feeling was, “I suck!” We’ve all been there right? After all, it’s not like we walk around saying, “Tell me where I screwed up.” The next feeling was acceptance and that Bob was right. I’ve heard that feedback before and I know I unintentionally come off that way sometimes. I can be direct and loud, which isn’t always the best combination. Those of you who have been around me enough are probably chuckling, because you’ve probably experienced this from me 😉 Bob and I talked about how my directness can have upsides and downsides in certain situations, and that Bob mainly wanted to be sure that I was cognizant of how I was being perceived and respond accordingly.

The final and most powerful feeling I felt was appreciation. That’s right. Bob told me I can come across as brash and abrasive and I was thankful. I was thankful, because it’s easy to give people positive feedback but it’s so hard to give critical, honest, specific, and actionable feedback about where a person is making mistakes. Like the leader mentioned, Bob’s actions made me feel recognized, valued, and made me care about Bob even more.

The challenge: Do you care enough about someone to be a Bob? Give someone some feedback this week (positive or negative) and show them that you recognize them, that you see them, and that you care.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Holding up a Mirror (4-8-15)

Last week was about sharing your reflection. This week is about holding up a mirror to help people reflect. Overall, it’s a story about a mistake I made and how someone coached me to think about why I do what I do.

Imagine that we are working together and I’m doing pretty good work. Then, one day I send you something and say, “This is rough, but give me your thoughts.” You quickly see that it is complete garbage. You ask yourself, “How could he be so far off? I’ve never seen him do stuff that is so bad.” You give me a suggestion to go in another direction. Then I come back to you with something that’s really good. You’re left wondering, “Why did he go from sending me crap to sending me something really good? How does he miss so badly and then turn around and get it right?”

Fast forward. I’m sitting down with a co-worker and asking for some feedback. She highlights a few good things and then tells me the above story. Her fear is that I might do this with other folks, and they’ll be left asking themselves the same questions. A lesser coach would have just pointed it out and told me to fix it. Instead, she holds up a mirror to me and says, “Can you help me understand why you do this?”

I think and realize that I’m not communicating my intent well. What is happening in these situations is that I’m trying to figure out which of two problems I need to address. Problem 1 is that it is a good idea, but I’m having problems executing it. Problem 2 is that the idea isn’t good, so I need to change course altogether. The way I move forward really depends on what the problem is. Our email exchange told me I was dealing with Problem 2, so I switched to a different idea and that’s why the work was better. Now she knows my thought process and why I did what I did. She says that this makes sense, but without this rationale it just looks like I missed the boat by a mile and half.

Here’s the thing. I’ve made this mistake before. I’ve made it with peers and higher up folks including VPs. If she would have just pointed this out and told me to fix it, then nothing would have changed. I would have fixed it once, but probably made the same mistake over and over again. However, since she asked the question and held the mirror up to help me reflect, I am more cognizant of what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and how I can be better in the future.

Are you holding up a mirror to help others reflect or are you just pointing everything out?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Sharing your Reflection (4-1-15)

I don’t meant to brag, but I’m at least a 9.5 on a scale from 1 to 10 when it comes to attractiveness, because of my beard, beautiful hair, and a physique so chiseled people call me David (sculpture reference, what?) Luckily, I don’t really think of myself that way. As we’ve been talking about reflecting, it’s also important to take the time to share the way you see yourself with others to make sure that other people see a lion and not a kitten like the photo on the right.

Recently I set up time and talked to someone about how I’m perceived. We talked about strengths (my beard, which is the only thing we could come up with) and my improvement areas (knowing when to flex my style and pull back a little bit, coming across as brash/obnoxious/silly, etc.) After I shared I shut my mouth, listened, and only asked questions to better understand her perspective. I learned some important nuggets that day from her.

When it came to my strengths, she agreed with what I shared, but she also talked to me about other things I do well that I just took for granted. She helped me see how these are unique things I can leverage in the future. Without her help, I wouldn’t have realized that other people were seeing these things in me and how important those things I are for my current and future success.

When it came to areas of improvement, she told me that she found me annoying when we first worked together because we clashed, there was bad communication, and we were put in a difficult situation. I almost hugged her. Yes, you read that right. I wanted to hug her, because she cared enough about me to be that honest. By the way, I agree and totally saw how I came across that way. Anyway, she also told me about something I do that I wasn’t aware of. Sometimes when I’m working with folks and I have an idea or a question that’s a little different I’ll preface things with, “Weird comment/question for you…” The people who know me laugh, and chime in with something like, “Big surprise.” However, she explained that the people who don’t know me could take this as me apologizing for being different. It gives them an opportunity to hold the uniqueness against me. Instead of making the joke, I could just go in with, “I’m looking at this from a different perspective. Here’s my thought…” I walked away from that conversation after learning a few more things about myself and reaffirming that there is another person who cares enough about me to be really honest. You can imagine how much more I think of her now.

Anyway, since I’ve shared a bit of my reflection consider this an open invitation. If you ever have feedback for me you think I should know, send it my way. On the flip side, if you ever want to share your reflection with someone and gather feedback, I’ll be happy to do that too.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry