Feedback and Discomfort (11-29-23)

This will be the last in our series on feedback. This week we will reflect on feedback and discomfort.

The other night Cam made a poor choice, and his behavior didn’t meet our minimum expectations. I had a calm conversation with him about it. I explained that his behavior wasn’t where it should be. Ultimately, he lost privileges. There was no yelling or harsh words involved. Still, Cam didn’t like being told he did something wrong. Having to admit that he fell short made him feel discomfort. After our talk he told Alice all about it and Alice came and told me I made Cam feel bad. I explained to Alice that I didn’t want to make Cam feel bad. At the same time, me making Cam feel good by only telling him positive things and ignoring his behavior when he doesn’t meet our standards is not good for him or fair to the family. Ignoring his behavior sets a precedent that it was acceptable when it wasn’t. I was okay with him feeling discomfort. I didn’t tell him he was a bad person. I held him accountable, talked to him about the negative impact of his choices and behavior, and asked him to own up to his mistake so he can grow. I wasn’t surprised that he felt upset with the conversation. Owning up to your shortcomings isn’t a pleasant process.

What does this have to do with anything? Sometimes we value comfort so much that we assume discomfort is bad, and that’s not true. Furthermore, when it comes to feedback, if it causes you to feel discomfort then it’s easy to decide that the feedback is bad and the person giving it is bad. Have you ever received feedback that struck a nerve, and your first instinct was, “Forget them! They don’t know me! They don’t know my work!” I’m not particularly proud of it, but I’ve done that before.

Truth be told, most of my best growth has come from feedback that was initially uncomfortable. Being told that the work I did on a project wasn’t good caused discomfort. Not getting roles I posted for and being told I wasn’t as qualified as other candidates caused discomfort. Being told I wasn’t bringing enough value in a situation caused discomfort. Being told I messed up a parenting situation caused discomfort. All of this also led to growth. I’d rather have moments of discomfort that led to growth, than people telling me everything is great when it’s not. The latter will keep me from growing.

The challenge: How will you handle it when feedback makes you feel discomfort?

Bonus thought: If the feedback hijacks you, it’s okay to ask for time to process it. Asking for time and space is ALWAYS okay, and I’ve done that on more of a few occasions. I say something like, “I need time to process, because right now my wheels are turning, and I can’t really have a productive conversation.”

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Putting Feedback into Perspective and Responding (11-15-23)

Last week was about learning to catch a baseball and feedback. This week we will dive deeper into catching feedback by reflecting on putting feedback into perspective and responding.

The other day I spoke with someone early in their career who had received some tough feedback. I could see how they were extrapolating this one miss to mean so much more than that. As I saw them spiraling a bit, I tried to offer them some perspective. I explained that having a miss is a right of passage for all marketers. I talked about how if you aren’t having these moments from time to time, it means you’re not challenging yourself. I told him the story of how in my first internal role I was about 3 in when my boss told me I wouldn’t meet expectations if I continued down my current path, because my project management skills were horrible. I shared how when this happened, I felt like crap for a couple of days, and doubted everything about myself. Then, I dusted myself off, got to work to figure things out, and started improving. I reassured him that while I may have felt at the time that this was a huge failure that would follow me forever, it didn’t. No one ever talks about that miss or story. It’s never been held against me, and I’ve went on to have what I consider to be a great career so far. At the end of the day, receiving the feedback is only half the story. The most important part of the story is how he’ll respond to this. He can either let it kick his butt, or he can get up and get at it.

You probably see where this is going. At some point in time, we’ve all received tough feedback. When this happens, it’s easy to blow the feedback way out of proportion. It’s easy to take feedback about one action or one miss and come to the conclusion that you’re a horrible failure of a person (or maybe I’m the only one who has ever thought that). If you ever feel yourself sliding in this direction, I hope you pause for a moment to find some perspective. EVERYONE gets their butt kicked sometimes and fails. The feedback you receive is about missing on 1 project or 1 task and does NOT mean anything more than that. It means you messed up on THAT THING. It means you are human. Welcome to the club 😉 It’s a beautiful messy place to be. While tough feedback hurts, what matters most is how you respond.

The challenge: How will you keep feedback in perspective? How will you respond?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Learning to Catch Baseballs and Feedback (11-8-23)

(Freshman year baseball picture)

See the source image Last week was about feedback and relativity. This week is about learning how to catch a baseball and feedback.

Growing up, my dad is the one who taught me how to throw and catch a baseball. Obviously, being able to throw the ball is important, but we spent a lot of time working on catching the ball too. In a perfect world, the throws would always come to your chest and right into your glove, but that rarely happens. As a result, I had to learn how to move my mitt and adjust my body to make the catch. The idea was that if it was in my general vicinity I should catch the ball, even if it was high, low, or off to the side. All the practice catching allowed me to make these adjustments and catch throws that were imperfect.

What does this have to do with anything? When it comes to feedback, we put a lot of emphasis on the person GIVING feedback, and there isn’t as much focus on RECEIVING feedback. In our analogy, this would be like learning how to throw, but never really learning how to catch. Even if you know how to throw, your throws won’t always be perfect, and if the person on the receiving end doesn’t know how to catch, the ball will either hit them and hurt them OR they will miss it entirely. In a similar way, just because the feedback is not delivered perfectly, doesn’t mean it’s bad/incorrect feedback.

Think about the past few times you received feedback. How well did you receive it? Were you open? Did you close yourself off and become defensive? Did you explore to understand? Did you immediately discount it? Did you take the time to understand the impact of your actions? Receiving feedback consists of being humble enough to admit you aren’t perfect, listening with an open mind, staying objective about yourself, asking clarifying questions, and understanding the impact of the behavior you’re receiving feedback on. None of these things are easy. I’ve messed all of them up and will continue to do so. However, getting better at these things throughout my career has helped me have better conversations that have led to growth.

The challenge: How are you getting better at RECEIVING feedback?

Bonus: Recently, I read Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well: Stone, Douglas, Heen, Sheila: 9780670014668: Amazon.com: Books. It’s entirely dedicated to RECEIVING feedback. It was interesting and included a few angles I haven’t thought much about in the past.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Chocolate, Feedback, and Relativity (11-1-23)

Last week was about asking for specific feedback. With Halloween in mind, this week is about chocolate, feedback, and relativity.

If I asked if you thought Hershey chocolate is good, what would you say? I’d assume you’d say it is good, if you like chocolate 😉 What if I asked you to rate a Hershey kiss vs. Dove chocolate? Would that change anything? What if I made you compare Hershey vs. Dove vs. Lindt vs. Godiva vs. Ghiradelli vs. Belgian chocolate? I’m assuming that once you started to compare Hershey against other brands it might shape how good Hershey really is. This also depends on the criteria we are using. If I asked you to choose a favorite based on taste alone, you might choose one kind of chocolate. If I asked you to choose a cost-effective chocolate to make a lot of smores, you might choose something else.

You might be wondering what the connection is to feedback. The above story illustrates how feedback is relative. Is Hershey chocolate good? Well, it depends. Having Hershey chocolate is better than having no chocolate 😉 As you compare across different kinds and brands of chocolate, Hershey might rise or fall. Your feedback on the quality of Hershey is relative to the criteria you are using and what you are comparing it too. In a similar way, most people are “good”. Most people do work that is “good”. However, none of this happens in a vacuum. Everything is relative to what is going on around it.

It’s not enough just to tell someone they are good or to think you’re good. As we give and receive feedback, we need to understand who or what it is relative to. Understanding this is what highlights our room for growth. For example, you might be good for someone new to your role (which is something to celebrate), but you might be near the bottom compared to more experienced people at that level (which gives you room to grow). You might be great talent at your current level (which is awesome) but compared to people competing for a promotion you are in the middle of the pack (which identifies gaps for you to work on). You might have been good early in your role (which is something to be proud of), but now the bar is higher (so you need to assess how you stack up to that new bar). You might be great in X skill, but Y is the skill that is valued (and you have to decide if you want to develop Y skill or not).

The challenge: As you give and receive feedback, who or what is that relative to?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Being Specific When Asking for Feedback (10-25-23)

Last week was about cleaning rooms, setting clear expectations, and giving feedback. This week is about asking for specific feedback in situations.

Here is a short poem.

The mysterious

one-eyed Jack gazes both at the

past and the future

If I asked you to give me feedback on the poem, what would you say? I’d imagine that right now you’re not exactly sure where to begin or what feedback would be helpful. What if I told you that I was trying to ensure the poem followed the haiku format (5, 7, and then 5 syllables)? I’m sure you could assess whether or not I did that. What if I told you that the poem was supposed to give off a mystical vibe? I’m sure you’d be able to talk through what feelings the poem made you feel, and then we could discuss how close those were to what I was aiming for. What if I told you my goal was to write a poem about regret and anxiety? Could you assess if it communicated that idea?

What does this have to do with anything? Have you ever asked for feedback at work? How clear were you about what you were looking for? This lack of clarity could often lead to you getting feedback that isn’t helpful and/or isn’t what you’re actually trying to understand. In the poem example, I initially asked for broad feedback. I’m assuming your broad feedback wouldn’t have been all that helpful. Then, I started asking more intentional questions to gather more specific feedback. Once I did that, you could provide direction that could be used.

When I think about work, I try to never ask for general feedback. Instead, I try to have specific questions. “I was trying to achieve X. Is that the right thing to achieve? How well did I achieve X?” or “I’m trying to develop X skills. On a scale from 1 to 5 I believe I’m a 3.5 for A, B, C reasons. Is this the right skill to develop? Do you agree with my assessment of where I am? Why or why not?” or “I’m just looking for a good idea, so I can develop it further. What has promise for you and why?” I’ve found over time these specific questions lead to more useful direction.

The challenge: As a receiver of feedback, can you ask the specific questions about what you want to know? As a giver of feedback, how do you narrow down the scope of the feedback to ensure it is useful?

1000 bonus points if you counted the syllables in the poem. I did 5, 8, 5 when it was supposed to be 5, 7, 5. 😉

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Cleaning Rooms, Clear Expectations, and Feedback (10-18-23)

Last week was about calling people up vs out. This week we will look at cleaning rooms, clear expectations, and feedback.

Thursday is “Clean your room” day at the house. When we first initiated this, the kids had a very different idea of what clean was vs my wife and I (#shocker). Rather than get angry, my wife and I realized we needed to articulate the goal in a clearer and more explicit way. “Clean your room” day means picking up all the trash, taking it out, picking up all the things that are laying about so I can run a vacuum without sucking up your stuff, putting everything in its home, putting up your clean laundry, and ensuring everything is tidy. Those are the expectations. After outlining all of this, we also had to be more hands on initially to model and show them what this meant. Then, we would have them clean their room on their own, and after we inspected the work, we would give them feedback on what they did well and where they needed to improve based on the expectations we set. Today, they know what the standard is and the deliver on that, most of the time 😉

You might be wondering what this has to do with work. Throughout my work experiences, I’ve noticed that one of the biggest issues with feedback is a lack of clear expectations. Similar to my kids and cleaning their rooms, we can’t ASSUME that people will automatically know what the expectation is or how to execute it. Everyone is coming to work with their own experiences and views on things, which likely means that everyone will have a different view of what the minimum expectations are for any given situation. With this in mind, we have to be intentional about establishing clear expectations and we have to be willing to model and coach to those expectations until we are all where we need to be. This might include needing to be even more explicit than we think is necessary in order to deliver the feedback message.

The challenges

As a leader, are you clear about the minimum expectations for a role, project, and/or situation? Are you providing feedback when people aren’t meeting those expectations?
As an individual contributor, do you know what the minimum expectations are from your supervisor AND teammates? Do you know whether or not you’re meeting those expectations?

Bonus thought- It’s important to understand that expectations evolve over time. When my kids were much younger my expectations for them cleaning up after themselves was much lower. Now the context has changed, and my expectations are higher. In a similar way, our world is continuing to evolve and what might have been acceptable performance a few years ago, might not even come close to meeting the new bar. We must be willing to have those conversations with people to reset where the minimum expectation is, so they are able to know what they are shooting for.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Feedback and Calling Someone Up vs Out (10-11-23)

This week I’d like to start a series focused on giving and receiving feedback. This entry is inspired by Shellie Miller and recent comments she’s made about calling someone up vs. calling them out.

On my current team, we are in the process of resetting the bar, defining our mission, and reshaping our culture. One of the tenants of this new culture is Care+Accountability. It’s this idea that because we care about our mission and because we care about each other we will expect the best from and try to bring out the best in each other. Part of this will include sharing feedback when we miss, and we’re all going to miss sooner or later. As we’ve been having some of these conversations, Shellie Miller shared a quote along the lines of, “When you give feedback. You aren’t calling someone OUT. You’re calling them UP. You’re bringing them IN to help them see what they are capable and how they can be the best version of themselves and help us reach our goals.”

What does this have to do with anything? I’ve been reflecting on what Shellie said, because it is vital to creating high performing teams. Take a second and think of the best teams you’ve ever been on. What were they like? Two teams immediately come to mind for me. These teams were comprised of very different sets of people and existed in different parts of the organization. While they were each unique, both teams had a few things in common. First, everyone on both teams were obsessed with a mission greater than themselves. Second, everyone on both teams was willing to set a high bar for themselves and each other to help us accomplish this mission. Third, we openly and regularly gave feedback to everyone, regardless of their title or position, to help them get better. On both teams, feedback was merely a tool to make us sharper to help us achieve our mission. When I received feedback on my mistakes, I didn’t feel called out. I felt called to be better. I understood that the only way we could achieve our mission is if we were all at our best, and feedback conversations were someone who cared enough about me to demand the best from me. I grew more on those teams than I did in other roles. Calling people UP vs calling them OUT made ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

The challenge: How will you create a culture of calling people UP vs out?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

15 Years- Care and Tough Feedback

Last week we started the series about memorable moments over my 15-year career. This week is a story about a leader showing care by giving me tough feedback.

It was time for my mid-year check in for my first internal role. I was doing okay, but I wasn’t setting the world on fire. I met my supervisor and in a kind, caring, and straight forward way, he said, “You will not meet expectations if you continue to do what you’re doing. The organization needs you to own this work and drive it forward to deliver X and right now you are delivering Y. I think you’re currently not delivering X, because you aren’t good at stakeholder management or creating project plans with clear objectives. How can I help you deliver X?” I’m not going to lie. That conversation didn’t make me happy. I felt like I was coming up short…because I was. While the feedback hurt a bit, I was incredibly thankful for his candor. By the time the conversation had ended, I had clarity on what I needed to deliver, and my boss helped me come up with a plan to improve. By the end of the year, I was delivering X and then some. I had crushed it! By the way, I’d work for that boss again in a heartbeat, because of this story and more. Everyone needs a someone like him in their life.

What does this have to do with anything? Have you ever experienced a situation where you wish people would have just given you honest feedback and they hadn’t? How did that make you feel? Have you ever been the person to NOT give that honest feedback? Why didn’t you give the feedback? I’ve been in both situations. I’ve experienced that we are often “Lilly nice” and we avoid these tough conversations. Avoiding these conversations isn’t “nice”. It’s harmful. While these conversations are hard, they are critical to be successful. If you truly care about people, you’ll share truth with them. If my boss had been “nice” and never given me the feedback, I would have kept on my path, got to the end of the year, and then been blindsided by not delivering to the level I was supposed to. However, he cared enough about me to be real. His feedback was what I needed to get better. His feedback led me to develop skills that helped in that role and beyond, so I could grow AND deliver for the business.

The challenge: Are you being “nice” or are you delivering the truth that needs to be told?

Bonus: If you are looking for help in this area I’d suggest you check out Radical Candor by Kim Scott or watch her talk on the subject.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Bernoulli’s Principle and Applying Pressure (3-13-19)

Last week was about catalysts and chemical reactions. This week we are going to reflect on Bernoulli’s principle and pressure. Let’s start with the principle. “In fluid dynamics, Bernoulli’s principle states that an increase in the speed of a fluid occurs simultaneously with a decrease in pressure (Wikipedia). It’s easy to get lost in that. The essence of this is that Bernoulli’s principle gives you the ability to understand how to manipulate pressure.

One of the most useful applications of Bernoulli’s principle is in aircraft flight. “If the air flowing past the top surface of an aircraft wing is moving faster than the air flowing past the bottom surface, then Bernoulli’s principle implies that the pressure on the surfaces of the wing will be lower above than below. This pressure difference results in an upwards lifting force.” (Wikipedia). A person designing wings for planes needs to understand Bernoulli’s principle, so they can appropriately manipulate and harness the power of pressure. If you don’t harness pressure correctly then a few bad things could happen. For example, the plane never takes off, it comes down too hard, and/or it spirals in the air out of control.

Besides being lost in a nerdtastic rabbit hole, you might be wondering what this has to do with anything. Last time I checked, we don’t design wings for airplanes. At the same time, I’d argue that we are all leaders, and leaders are people who need to understand and harness the power of pressure to lift us to new heights. As leaders, we direct pressure with the expectations we set, how big we dream, and how much we are willing to push each other. Much like an airplane, if we don’t harness the power of pressure correctly bad things can happen. If we don’t do things to create enough positive pressure, then we never create the upward lift that helps people reach their full potential. If we create too much downward pressure, we crush people and keep them from every flying. If we apply uneven pressure throughout the journey we send people spiraling. I know because I’ve had leaders do all of these things, and more importantly I’ve made all those mistakes.

The challenge: How can we harness pressure for positive change?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Obi-Wan and Force Ghost Coaching (2-13-19)

We began this coaching series with the idea that anyone can be a coach, and we’ll end this series by reflecting on the lasting legacy of coaches and Star Wars A New Hope.

I’m assuming most of us have seen Star Wars: A New Hope. If not, spoiler alert (for a 40 year old movie). Throughout the film, Luke (our hero) has a mentor/coach named Obi-Wan Kenobi. Eventually, Obi-Wan sacrifices himself and is killed by Darth Vader (villain) in a light saber battle. Fast forward to the climatic end of the movie, and Luke is flying in an X-wing (think jet) and needs to shoot a missile into an exhaust port of the Death Star to blow it up and save the galaxy. Luke is nervous, doesn’t know if he can do it, and all of a sudden a voice appears in the back of Luke’s mind telling him to use the force. This voice is the force ghost of Obi-Wan, Luke’s deceased mentor/coach. Luke listens to his former coach, trusts the force, shoots the missiles, and blows up the Death Star.

So you’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with work or coaching. I’d say that average coaches are the ones who can help you when they are physically with you. I’d argue that the best coaches are like Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan’s presence is so strong that he gives Luke encouragement even when he is not there. Obi-Wan is like a force ghost coach. (How cool is that phrase?) Do you have any coaches in your life, where you can still “hear” them or “feel” their impact even if they aren’t physically there? I do. I’ll be working on stuff sometimes and say, “Susie would probably ask me to consider X. Bob would ask me if I knew Z before I got started.” Although that person may not physically be there, I still benefit from what they have instilled in me throughout our time together

I started this series saying that anybody could be a coach. With that said, what do you think YOUR lingering impact is on people? Do they hear your voice or feel your presence when you aren’t around? Ihope they would for me. For example, if someone I’ve worked with is facing a problem, I hope that they would hear my voice in the back of their brain saying, “What do you need people to think, feel, and/or do? Let that guide you.” And then I hope they would hear me giving them some kind of encouragement like, “You are a boss and I got a lot of love for you. Go beast mode and slay dragons. You got this.” I hope they would hear that just as clearly as Luke heard, “Trust the force.”

The challenge: Are you having a lasting impact on people? What is the “force ghost” version of you saying to the people you have coached when you aren’t around?

Bonus: Drop one of your “Force ghost” coaches a line and tell them thank you and what you can hear them still telling you.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry