Tough Conversations and Being Curious vs Judgmental (8-2-23)

Last week was about transforming experiences with a little effort. This week is about tough conversations and being curious vs judgmental.

A few weeks ago, my dad told me that he wanted to talk to me about parenting and my kids. Right now, I’m assuming that a fair amount of you reading this are cringing, because you can see how quickly this can go poorly. Parenting easily can feel extremely personal. I’ve been in those situations where the conversation is just a sneaky way for the person to judge you and tell you everything you’re doing is wrong without understanding your situation. Have you? Those chats don’t particularly feel good. The conversation with my dad wasn’t anything like that. It was a great chat, because the moment we sat down he made it clear that he wanted to understand things from my perspective.

He starts by admitting that he can only see one part of what is going and that he doesn’t have the full story. He also acknowledges that the rules have changed a lot from when he and my mom raised my brother and me. This sets the stage that this is a conversation to learn and not judge. From there we dive in. He shares an observation he has and how he is connecting the dots based on his experience. I respond by saying that I also have seen what he has observed, and I can see how he connects the dots the way he does. Then, I offer some additional context he doesn’t see every day and how that’s shaping the parenting decisions we are making. We keep repeating this pattern as we dive deep. We talk about parenting in a completely different world and entirely different challenges he and my mom didn’t have to encounter. We talk about mental health and navigating how to parent and lead in a family with neurodivergence. I talk about how we are thankful to have therapists to help us navigate situations that I’m not equipped to lead through. We talk about my family’s decision to homeschool, and how we are constantly balancing mental, physical, emotional, and social health with that decision. We talk about the fine balance between showing support and raising resilient kids, especially in a world that may not accept them. I share how I feel I’m over my head sometimes, because there isn’t an obvious playbook to navigate all these situations and sometimes it’s just about making the best trade-offs with the information we have. Throughout all of this, my dad asks follow-up questions to better understand and shares how he had never considered some of the angles before. By the end of everything, I can’t say that my dad fully understands or fully agrees with all my decisions. It would be hard to fully understand without being in the same situation. At the same time, I can say that he has a deeper understanding and that he is not passing judgment. I left the conversation feeling so good that we had it, and blessed I have a dad I can talk about these things with.

What does this have to do with anything? Think about work and life for a minute. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were going to have a conversation to share ideas, when the other person just wanted to pass judgement? Have you ever been that person who passed judgment instead of seeking to understand? I know I’ve been that person. We like to think that we are open minded and non-judgmental, but how true is that? How open are we to learning and considering something different from what we believe? In our story this week, there are so many ways that conversation could have went poorly and ultimately caused harm to our relationship, but it didn’t because my dad approached things from a place of genuine curiosity.

The challenge: Are you TRULY seeking to understand? How open are you to learning and growing?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Creating Space to Be Real (7-19-23)

Last week was about listening to fear AND the Brave voice. This week is about creating spaces where people can be real.

We go to my parents’ house every year for the 4^th of July. We grill out, my mom makes enough food to feed a small army, and then we hang out enjoying yard games, playing Uno, telling stories, and watching fireworks. I can’t remember what got us started, but my mom shared a story about a stupid mistake she had made recently. As she shared it, she laughed at herself and her mistake. We all started laughing along with her. From there, everyone else starts jumping in and sharing mistake stories too. We begin calling ourselves out and each other. We give each other a hard time out of love for the dumb things we’ve done. It’s a great vibe. The energy opens the floodgates for my kids to be their silly selves, and once they got going everyone was rolling on the floor laughing. Later that night as were driving home, Alice (11) said, “I like that at grandma and grandpa’s house that we can all laugh at ourselves. I like that we can be a little crazy. It feels good.” As her dad, I was so glad to hear this, because all I want for my kids is for them to be able to be who they are.

What does this have to do with anything? Alice may not be aware of the concepts of vulnerability, authenticity, or psychological safety, BUT she knows how those things feel. She knows that her grandparents love her unconditionally, and that she can be herself there. She knows she can make mistakes and talk about them, and people won’t judge her or think less of her. She also knows that not all places are like this. She knows that not all places feel like that. There is something special at grandma and grandpa’s house, and it starts with them being comfortable laughing at themselves and talking about their mistakes. It starts with them taking actions to set the stage to create a welcoming environment.

Think about work for a minute. Have you ever been on a team where you could really lean in and be yourself? Have you been on teams where you couldn’t? How different did the two teams feel? What did people do to make you feel like you could be yourself? The challenge: What are you doing to create spaces where people can be vulnerable and be themselves? (Here is my elbow nudge- If you can’t instantly think of the things you’re doing to create these spaces, that’s likely a sign that this is an area where you can improve)

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lifting, Bias, and a Hello Kitty Towel (5-10-23)

Happy Wednesday,

Last week was about lifting and different kinds of success. This week is about a Hello Kitty towel and recognizing the bias we all have.

I was a few minutes into my workout in my house when I realized I needed a towel. I was doing laundry, so my normal blue workout towel was being washed. I went upstairs reached into the cabinet without looking and pulled out a Hello Kitty towel. Instantly I thought to myself, “This is kind of girly for a workout towel, isn’t it? I can’t use this,” and I dropped the towel. A second later, I realized what thought had run through my brain and how stupid it was. I paused and asked myself, “Why can’t I use this towel? All I need is something to wipe the sweat off my face. If the towel would have been a different color and had Batman or Ninja Turtles on it, I wouldn’t have hesitated to use it. Why should I treat this towel differently?” I picked the towel back up and used it.

Are you seeing how this connects with bias? I was working out by myself in my house, where there was no threat of anyone judging me. Even in this environment, when I picked up the Hello Kitty towel, my first instinct was a biased one. My first instinct was to say, “This is towel is too girly, and I’m a tough masculine man doing tough manly things like weightlifting. Since that towel is so girly, it can’t be a part of doing tough masculine things.” (Seriously, reread those two sentences and look at how many wrong ignorant assumptions are built in there.) It wasn’t until I paused a moment to examine my thought process that I realized I was wrong and ridiculous.

I like to tell myself that I’m a good person. I like to hope that I’m above having bias, but this was another reminder that I’m human. If I can have a bias about an inanimate object when there isn’t anything at stake, then I know I have more biases lurking under the surface. We all have biases. It’s up to us to recognize these biases and then challenge them with each other and most importantly within ourselves.

The challenge: Will you recognize and challenge your biases?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Chili and being Inclusive (11-2-22)

Last week was about chili and appreciating simplicity. This week is about chili and intentionally being inclusive in day-to-day life.

About 2 years ago I wrote a blog series about inclusion and my wife being a vegetarian. You can read that entry and any of my past blogs by going HERE. In summary, when my wife comes to my parents’ house for dinner, my mom makes vegetarian options, so Diane is included. This makes Diane feel cared for and valued. This week’s story takes this to the next level.

I take my kids over to my mom and dad’s house for a family lunch almost every Sunday, and my wife stays home so she can have a day to herself after holding it down with the kids all week (teaching, taking care of them, running the house, putting up with me 😉 etc.) Recently, we went over to have chili. My mom makes chili with beans and ground beef. As we were leaving, my mom asked if I’d take some home to Diane. That’s when my mom reveals that she made Diane her own separate small pot of chili WITHOUT meat. Isn’t that awesome? Now, my mom didn’t want to be praised for this or anything, she just wanted to show Diane she cares about her. I get home from my mom and dad’s house, and I tell my wife that my mom made her a separate pot of vegetarian chili and my wife simply said, “She’s the best!” You could tell my wife felt loved and appreciated.

What does this have to do with anything? It’s great that my mom makes vegetarian options when my wife comes over for dinner. It’s even better that my mom takes action when Diane isn’t around. In a similar way, it’s appropriate to focus on diversity and inclusion when we are in forums focused on those things or celebrating holidays. It’s even better, when we are consistently putting in the work because it’s the right thing to do. It’s even better, if we are making these actions just part of what we do vs. some kind of action that should be celebrated because we are showing initiative.

The challenge: Do an honest assessment. How are YOU consistently and intentionally being inclusive in day-to-day life? Where could YOU improve?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Intentional Inclusion in Hybrid Work Environments (6-23-21)

Last week was about empathy. This week is about intentional inclusion in hybrid environments. We’ll look at this idea by exploring a different situation where I had to adjust my behaviors to be more inclusive of workstyles to help bring out the best in everyone.

When it comes to participating in meetings there tends to be two types of people, talkers and processors. Talkers jump right in to verbally talk through problems, while processors prefer to take their time to think through things before speaking. I’m a talker and tend to expect people to just jump in and start talking through ideas just like me. One day I realized that the way I was running meetings led to the talkers drowning out the processors. This meant we couldn’t capitalize on the great ideas that the processors had. Now I could have just asked the processors to change, but it’s NOT on them. It’s on ME as a leader to create the inclusive environment to bring out the best in folks. I needed to change. I became more disciplined about sharing meeting agendas and discussion questions ahead of time to give everyone time to think through and form their ideas. I focused on facilitating the conversation in a way to have more thoughtful conversation from everyone vs. telling people to just jump in. As a result, we had better discussions and outputs.

What does this have to do with the new working situation? In the above example, I had to be aware that my actions weren’t creating an environment to get the most out of everyone. From there, it was on me to take the right ACTION to create a more inclusive environment that could give people what they needed to feel safe and be better able to contribute. In a similar way, once we get back to the office in this hybrid format, we ALL will need to take new action to include everyone (live and remote). Ultimately, we will need to be more INTENTIONAL about how we build teams, structure meetings, and get work done to create an environment that is inclusive and brings out the best in EVERYONE whether they are live or remote. The challenge: How will you be more inclusive in our new “work normal”?

Bonus blunt challenge: You might have noticed I didn’t mention technology in how we need to adapt. Having the right technology that works is incredibly important. However, having the right technology does NOT matter, if we don’t have the right inclusive mindset and aren’t changing the way we lead and do things. Having the right technology without a change in behavior just means we will have a fancier and more technologically advanced way of NOT creating inclusive cultures that bring out the best in us. How can we ensure we are upgrading our leadership behaviors while we upgrade our technology?

Side note/pet peeve- Talkers tend to be extroverts and processors tend to be introverts. We always tell introverts to jump in and talk more. Why don’t we ever ask the extroverts to quiet down and create space for others to talk? Things that make you go hmmmm…

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Spider-Man: Miles Morales and Authenticity (2-24-21)

Happy Wednesday,

Last week was about representation. This week is about Spider-Man: Miles Morales and appreciating authenticity.

One of my favorite parts about Spider-Man: Miles Morales is that it feels different from the first Spider-Man game, where you play as Peter Parker, a white middle class college student from Queens. The developers could have made the second game feel exactly the same, but they didn’t do this. Instead, they gave each game its own personality with its unique characters, setting, story, music, etc. The developers never tried to force fit Miles into being Peter, because that would not have been true to who Miles is. As a result, you get two games that are true to themselves. This only works, because there is a large enough audience willing to embrace all the different ways someone could be Spider-Man.

How does this connect with anything? In the video game analogy, the audience had to be willing to embrace a different kind of Spider-Man. They needed to be able to look at Peter Parker and Miles Morales and say, “Both of these individuals create compelling stories because of who they are as individuals.” Even if the developers wanted Miles and Peter to be authentic to themselves, it wouldn’t work unless the audience embraced who those characters are.

Often we put the responsibility of being authentic on the individual. We tell people, “You just need to bring your authentic self to work.” We say this like it should be easy to do, and it isn’t. Bringing your authentic self only works if the audience is able to say, “Bob and Joe are different people with unique backgrounds who each bring their own perspective to the role, AND they both are able to deliver BECAUSE of what makes them unique.” If we are being honest with ourselves, often we aren’t to the point of fully embracing the authenticity of others. We still get hung up on the way we think things SHOULD be done. Rather than put the responsibility of being authentic on the individual, this responsibility falls on our leaders and co-workers. Leaders set the tone and co-workers help set and/or embrace the tone that is set. If these individuals (the audience) isn’t willing to embrace the authenticity of others, the individual can never be their authentic self.

The challenge: How are you creating the space that encourages people to be who they are?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Spider-Man: Miles Morales, Representation, and Inclusion

Happy Wednesday,

Last week was about challenging biases. This week is about the video game Spider-man: Miles Morales, representation, and inclusion.

Alice (8) was watching me play the game and there is a scene where Spider-man (Miles Morales) uses sign language to communicate with a character who is deaf. Alice asked, “Why isn’t she talking?” I explained that the character is deaf and often individuals who are deaf use sign language to communicate. Alice then said, “Why would they do that in a video game?”

It was an interesting question and a powerful moment, because I realized that Alice had never seen someone who offered this element of difference. I told Alice, “She’s in the video game, because the people who created this video game understand that she has a story worth telling. On top of that, the people who made the video game understand that she represents the people out in the world who are like her and also have stories worth telling. It’s kind of the same way with Miles Morales. How cool is it to have a Spider-man who is Black and Puerto Rican? How cool is it to have a Spider-man who can tell different stories? We all are unique, and we all have our own stories to tell. I say the more different stories we can see the better.” Alice paused for a moment and then said, “Yeah, that’s pretty cool!”

How does this connect with anything? If you pause for a moment and think about the things you watch on TV and the people at your work, how many of them look like you and are like you? The majority of the world looks like me. This sends clear signals that I’m welcome and included in a variety of situations. The same can’t be said for all people. While it’s easy to look at the progress we’ve made with regards to diversity and inclusion, the fact is that non-majority group members are still vastly underrepresented at all levels in an organization. A lack of representation, a lack of people who look and are like you, is often a signal that you aren’t necessarily welcome and included in an environment. If we want to live in a world where all people are valued, then we need to work to ensure all people are represented and are included.

The challenge: How will you include a wider variety of people in your work and life?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Spider-Man: Miles Morales and Challenging Biases (2-10-21)

Last week was about video games, milestones, and ambiguity. This week we are going to look at Spider-man: Miles Morales and challenging biases.

I mentioned earlier in the series that Miles Morales is Black and Puerto Rican. Throughout the game there are times when he speaks Spanish to his mom and other characters. At one point, my daughter Violet (6) asked, “Why are they speaking Spanish?” I responded by saying, “Why shouldn’t they be speaking Spanish? What’s wrong with that?” She said, “This is an English video game and an English TV, right? So shouldn’t they speak English?” I paused for a moment and then explained that Miles is Black and Puerto Rican, and was raised in multiple cultures. This means he speaks English and Spanish. I explained that this is a story about Miles, and if Miles is being true to himself, then he should speak Spanish. He should embrace who he is, and this gives us a chance to see the beauty in who Miles is and where he comes from. From then on, Violet had an appreciation for Miles being who he is.

Do you see the connections? When she asked me that question all I could think about is how often I’ve heard other white majority members say similar things. “Why do they have to speak Spanish? Why does that person act so Black? Why can’t she just act like one of the guys?” Maybe you’ve said or thought these things (I know I have, especially when I was younger and more ignorant). Maybe you’ve heard other people say those things. Maybe you’ve been the target of those statements. All of these statements (and ones like them) are racist, sexist, etc. because they are all based in the assumption that the majority way of doing something is superior and the right way of doing things. When Violet asked her question what she was really saying was, “I’m closer to the majority. Those characters are not the majority. Why don’t they just assimilate and act like the majority? Isn’t the majority way the best way? Shouldn’t they assimilate to that?” Those statements and mindsets are signals that individuals are not welcome and will not be included. It was challenging the assumption of why that behavior is inferior or wrong that got her to realize that it wasn’t and she was wrong to view it that way. In a similar way, we all have these built in biases. Unless we are actively challenging our biases, we will never get better.

The challenge: How are you confronting your biases and assumptions to be a better human?

Bonus: Last year I read, How to be an Antiracist by Dr. Ibram X. Kendi. It opened my eyes to how often I have had and continue to have assimilationist views and how those are harmful. Worth checking out.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Hoodies and Psychological Safety Part 2 (10-30-20)

A couple of individuals sent me comments about my recent blog about hoodies and psychological safety. They caused me to do some deep reflection, so I wanted to share that with you. We will continue to think about hoodies and psychological safety, and how just because psychological safety exists for one person, it does not mean it exists for ALL people.

Here is a response from someone who read the blog from Wednesday. “When I first read the title and the beginning, I thought you were going to talk about the unfortunate fact that many black men can’t and don’t feel safe wearing a hoodie because they are judged/viewed a certain way if they do (e.g. Trayvon Martin, etc.) which compromises psychological safety.”Here is another response, “After the death of Trayvon Martin, the hoodie double standard emerged. So much emotion, rhetoric, and rules about wearing an object of clothing. While I still love my hoodie, I no longer wear it out of the house without thinking about my privilege. No one looks twice at a middle aged white person in an oversized hoodie walking their dogs at night.”Both comments are insightful and worth exploring. As a straight middle-aged bald white guy, I can wear a hoodie and feel safe. I can wear a hoodie and not have any problems. As I’ve reflected, not everyone has that privilege.

How does it all connect? As a majority group member it is easy to say, “We are all just people, so if I’m psychologically safe you are too.” Nothing could be further from the truth. While we are all people, we are all experiencing life in unique ways because of our dimensions of differences. Something I’ve continued to learn is that just because I feel psychologically safe, it doesn’t mean the same situation is safe for others. Just because I’m included, doesn’t mean others feel included. This idea links back to the first blog post about hoodies and psychological safety, and how important it is to be intentional when you are creating safe environments. It’s not enough to create safe environments. You also must be thoughtful regarding who those environments are safe for.

The challenge: Are you recognizing your position and your privilege? Are you building environments where EVERYONE can feel safe, valued, welcomed, trusted, and cared for?

Bonus video- “Are hoodies dangerous for black men?” Perspective worth thinking about to challenge the biases we have.

Have a jolly good day and have a safe Halloween,

Andrew Embry

Hoodies and Psychological Safety (10-28-20)

When I was 16 someone gave me an Aeropostale hoodie. 20 years later, it is one of my favorite pieces of clothing to wear despite the imperfect frayed edges of the sleeves and gentle wear and tear it has. It’s a great piece of clothing, because there’s something special about putting on a hoodie in the fall. It’s like wearing warmth and comfort, and we need that as the year gets a little colder and darker with each passing day. This warmth and comfort is created by the loose fit, the thick cotton to keep you warm, and having a pouch to put your hands in. It’s the perfect outfit to be comfortably and confidently me. The pic is the hoodie with my favorite ninja turtle from 2 years ago.

What do hoodies have to do with psychological safety? Psychological safety allows all employees to work in an environment without fear of being insulted, judged, or marginalized due to stereotypes or biases. People will only share their diverse ideas, experiences, knowledge and insights if they feel safe. Have you ever been on a team where you had psychological safety? What did it feel like? For me, it felt warm, comfortable, and welcoming just like settling into a hoodie on a crisp fall night. Have you ever been on a team where you didn’t have psychological safety? What did that feel like? On the best days it felt like wearing a t-shirt made of hay, where something is always scratching you and making you uncomfortable and anxious.

Here’s the thing, the hoodie didn’t give me those feelings by accident. It’s intentionally made to create feelings of comfort and safety with everything from the overall shape of the garment to the material used to the size and design. In a similar way, creating psychological safety doesn’t happen accidentally. Psychological safety is intentionally created by actions you take to ensure people feel welcomed, heard, respected, and valued. Here is a link with tips you can take to create psychological safety- https://leadingwithtrust.com/2018/10/14/50-practical-ways-to-build-psychological-safety-in-your-team/

The challenge: What actions are you taking to create psychological safety?

I stand in solidarity against injustice and in support of humanity.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry