Lesson 4- Standing Strong in the Emotional Fire (11-19-25)

Last week was about the invisible backpack. This week is lesson 4: the importance of standing strong in the emotional fire.

The other day one of my kids was having a really hard time emotionally. If my kid was a dragon, they were spitting fire everywhere. It would have been easy to tell them to just go to their room on their own to sort it out. It would have been easy to tell them to suck it up and stop making it such a big deal. It would have been easy to step away from the situation, so we wouldn’t get sucked into the energy. Instead, my wife and I sat there. As my kid unleashed fire like a dragon, we sat there. We let the fire go around us and we walked through it. We didn’t try to stop the fire. We sat there with them, and when they stopped breathing fire, we sat there and comforted them until they were whole again.

Let’s make some connections. Standing in the midst of the meltdown wasn’t comfortable. It wasn’t pretty. It was exhausting and difficult. It wasn’t where my wife and I wanted to be. It was where my wife and I needed to be. We needed to show them that their fire didn’t scare us. We needed to be there to show that our love is stronger than any feelings/meltdowns/fire they could throw at us. We needed to be there to show that we will always be a safe and firm foundation for them. It’s not like we did anything magic. We just stayed there, softly speaking words of encouragement, reminding them that they are loved and it’s okay to feel strong feelings. For our family, we will always choose to stand strong in the fire. (By the way, watching my wife sit in that fire was one of the most beautiful and strong things I’ve seen. I hope you’re all blessed to have someone like her.)

The challenge: In a world filled with humans who are often scared to allow their vulnerability to show, will you be strong enough to stand in the fire with them? Will you be strong enough for them to lean on?

Bonus- I also wrote a poem inspired by these events. You can check that out here https://www.linkedin.com/posts/andrew-embry-979831b7_love-emotions-dragons-activity-7396885754817384448-Lkfc?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop&rcm=ACoAABjcjy0BSioATZ2Tfprhg_c9r0itVMM87PQ

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Same Situation, Different Experiences (9-10-25)

Last week I spent time with my wife, kids, and family up at a camper. We started reminiscing around a bonfire and shared the story of us moving back to Indiana, which inspired this series. This week is about how people can be in the same situation and have different experiences.

Let me set the scene. It’s a stressful whirlwind. Within a few months, we had our first kid, the first grandkid on my side, I got a new job that would move us from Wisconsin to Indiana, and we had to buy a house. To top it off, we had to do this while I worked in Wisconsin and Diane and a few months old Alice went to Indiana for a month to begin house hunting. They lived with my parents, my brother, 2 cats, and a dog. #stress While Diane and Alice are living with my parents, Alice is only a few months old and is being a typical colicky newborn with constant crying, loud screaming, and irregular sleep. #allthethings

When I spoke with Diane on the phone, she was worried that she and Alice were being an annoying burden for the family. From her point of view, all she could see was the screaming, crying, and the disruption in day-to-day schedules for everyone in the house. I told Diane, “I hear you. What you are saying is valid. Also, that is not at all how my parents are experiencing this right now. When I talk to them, they go on and on about how they are so excited and lucky because their first ever grandkid is LIVING WITH THEM. In their eyes, you and Alice can do no wrong. They are so pumped to be able to spend this time with you two and they love being able to snuggle and love on Alice all the time.”

Let’s connect some dots. Everything my wife experienced was true. Everything my parents experienced was true. The thing is that they were both approaching this from a different starting point. This is a classic instance of people being in the same situation and having different experiences. As we go throughout different experiences, it might be worth taking a moment to reflect on the situation, our starting point, and how that might cause us to interpret things one way or another.

The challenge: How will you be more mindful of how you are experiencing situations? Will you remember that people could be experiencing the same situation differently?

Bonus 1- Big thanks to Charlie Wilson and Bryan Lapel for offering me the job and enabling us to come home. I’m forever thankful.

Bonus 2 (cute story)- My family knew I was going for this job, and we also all thought I had a pretty slim chance to get it. Anyway, I had just got off the phone with Charlie where he offered me the role, and I was so excited! I immediately told Diane and was getting ready to tell my dad when he called me. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he just got new tires put on his vehicle, so he’s ready to drive up to Wisconsin a lot and in the winter to see the grandbaby. Nonchalantly I said, “That sounds cool. Wisconsin is a beautiful state. You can drive up here all you want, but I won’t be living here.” Immediately my dad is like, “WHAT!?!?” I told him I got the job and then he’s ecstatic and like, “You better not be messing with me man!” I assure him I’m not and that Diane and I are excited about moving closer to home. I ask my dad to have my mom call me, so I can tell her. Hours go by and I don’t hear from my mom, which I think is weird. Eventually, she calls me, and I share the news with her. She’s ecstatic. Then, she’s getting onto my dad for not having her call sooner, and the poor guy is like, “I kept nudging you to call Andrew, but you were busy and said you’d call when you had time!” lol

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Setting Incentives (2-19-25)

Last week was about parenting, cleaning the house, and being flexible. This week is about parenting and creating incentives.

We already have 2 cats in our house, but my son Cameron (11) really wants his own cat. My wife and I ultimately agreed that he could get one for his 12^th birthday. Cam, ever the negotiator, talked to his to uncover what he could do to get it sooner and said he was willing to do anything to make this happen. My wife and I saw this as an opportunity to provide an incentive for Cam to do the right thing to earn the cat sooner.

Before setting the incentive, the first thing my wife and I did was talk about our overarching goal for Cam, which is for him to grow up to be a kind and compassionate self-sufficient human. From there, we got VERY SPECIFIC about what behaviors he could work on building now that would lead to this. Based on our understanding of our son, we settled on three things. First, we wanted him to get better at doing his chores without being asked or reminded, because this would help him learn how to take care of himself and his future house. Second, we wanted to help him get better at stepping outside of his comfort zone, which in this case includes trying new foods which is really hard for him. Third, we wanted him to continue to develop the ability to advocate for himself in situations, whether that is clearly expressing a boundary or just speaking up for himself. With these things in mind, I developed a point system and Excel sheet tracker that shows his progress over time. If he does those three things relatively consistently he will get his cat early. We talked to Cam about these things, and he’s on board. We even through in some extra hard bonus things worth a lot of points, and he’s strongly considering doing those things too.

How does this connect with anything? Often when we think of incentives we think of base pay, bonuses, or some other compensation. However, in my experience, we don’t do the best job thinking about the behaviors we are trying to drive in a culture or an organization. Then, since we haven’t truly thought about the behaviors we are trying to drive, we don’t have a way to directly link those behaviors with incentives (compensation, bonuses, verbal praise, Inspire points, etc.). Without that direct link, it’s difficult to reinforce the behaviors we want to see, which makes it hard to drive behavior change.

The challenge- Do you know what behaviors you are trying to drive? Do your incentives connect to those behaviors?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting, Cleaning, and Adapting as a Leader (2-12-25)

Be stubborn about your goals and flexible about your methods. | Life ... This week we are going to kick off a series about lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. This week is about parenting, cleaning the house, and being flexible and adaptable when leading others.

When I was a kid and would help my family clean the house it would look like this. My mom would blast music (usually Prince, Rod Stewart or Alanis Morisette). With the music blaring we would all start jumping in and helping with little direction. When I initially tried this approach with my own kids, it didn’t go so well. In case I’ve never mentioned it, we have some neurodivergence in my house, so cleaning the way I did as a kid is EXTREMELY overwhelming for my kids. The loud music is overstimulating and the lack of clarity on what needs to be done is anxiety inducing. Trying to clean this way would result in everyone being overstimulated, grumpy, and the house not getting clean. #failure

After failing a few times, I needed to reevaluate the situation. At the end of the day, my goals are to get the house clean and to help my kids become more self-sufficient. I’ve learned to be flexible in HOW I achieve those goals. When I clean with my kids, we don’t play music to avoid overstimulation. Also, I create a list of the tasks and add some gamification, so there is clear direction. We don’t clean the house. We save Hyrule! (a nod to The Legend of Zelda video game series) My list might look like, “Beat the Water Temple aka Clean the Bathrooms for 50 points,” or “Straighten up Goron City aka The Kitchen for 20 points.” My kids then methodically work through the list, accomplishing tasks, and checking stuff off until the house is clean. It’s very different from the way I grew up cleaning, but it is still very effective.

Where exactly is this going? As a leader, it’s your job to enable the other people around you to be successful. Often, this means being strict about the goal, but being flexible in HOW to achieve that goal. Did my kids have to clean like I did in order to be successful? No. We found a way that works for them and enabled their success. Think about work. How often has a leader more or less forced you to do something their way, even though it wasn’t the only path to success? What were the consequences of that? When I’ve had those experiences, I’ve often felt disengaged and often saw how more value could have been provided if the leader would have just been a little more open to thinking differently.

The challenge: As a leader are you being adaptable and flexible enough to enable others to be successful?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Seeing the Bigger Picture before Making Judgments (8-14-24)

This will be the last in my series about lessons I’ve learned from being a parent. This week is all about taking time to understand the bigger picture before making a judgment.

We had a fabulous time on vacation. However, if you would have seen my family on Monday afternoon, it would have been easy to conclude that we were all bad people who hated each other, because we were so grumpy and irritable. If you took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, you might think a little differently. We had been on vacation for 2 weeks and desperately wanted to get home. We had been traveling all day. We were exhausted, rushed, overwhelmed, etc. Understanding all of this, you would likely conclude that we were good people who just had a long day. You’d give us grace and patience.

What does this have to do with anything? Have you ever had a negative experience with someone and instantly decided that they were bad? I have. Someone has been in a bad mood, and I’ve made the snap decision that they must be a jerk. Someone didn’t do something well at work, and I’ve made the snap decision that they don’t have the right skills. It’s so easy to make judgments based on a snapshot in time vs on the bigger picture and a confirmed pattern of behavior. The majority of time, these snap decisions are wrong.

Maybe the person is a jerk, or maybe they are going through something incredibly difficult in life and they are carrying more stress than usual. I know that I’ve unintentionally lashed out at people, when I carried stress that had nothing to do with them. Maybe the person doesn’t have the necessary skills, or maybe they had a different vision for what was supposed to occur or maybe they are just human and made a mistake. I know I’ve made mistakes before. Making these snap judgments often lead to the worst possible paths for all parties involved.

The challenge: Will you take the time to see the bigger picture before passing judgment?

Bonus: The pic is my family on the boat outside of Gibraltar. You might notice our travel sheep. He is a special stuffed animal who ONLY goes on vacations with us, so the other stuffed animals are left at home. I can tell you’re jealous. 😉 Fun fact. The travel sheep went through the security at the airport, fell out of the bin in the x-ray machine, and confused the machine so bad that it caused about 8 bins of stuff to have to be rescanned. That sheep is baaaaaa-d news!

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Enduring Lessons (7-31-24)

Last week was about parenting, leadership, and stepping beside someone. This week is about parenting and enduring lessons.

We leave soon for a family trip. The other day I was talking to the kids about the trip and one of them said, “This time we slay monsters, not dragons.” I chuckled. They were referring to something I taught them about 2 years ago when we were preparing to go on a different big trip. Rather than tell them that everything was going to be smooth sailing I told them that we were guaranteed to run into problems, and when we did, we would slay those dragons and move on. Here’s the entry if you’re curious Vacation and Preparing for Dragons (10-5-22) – Striking Matches (home.blog). Beginning tomorrow, we embark on another adventure. Beginning tomorrow, we will be ready to slay some monsters. I’ll make sure I save some for Van Helsing (bonus points if you get that bad joke). (Pic is from Copilot “Create an image of an AI relaxing on vacation on a cruise ship)

What does this have to do with anything? I never would have thought that something I said 2 years ago would stick with them like this. I didn’t think it was anything super special at the time, just a funny way to talk about challenges. It just goes to show the sticking power of the lessons you teach to others, whether you are intentional about teaching those lessons or not. This all makes me curious about what other lessons I’m teaching them that sink in and will last for a long time. It also has me wondering what lessons I’m leaving people I work with.

The challenge: What enduring lessons are you leaving behind?

Bonus 1: Reach out to someone who left an enduring message with you and tell them thanks (assuming it’s a positive one).

Bonus 2: Here is what I hope my enduring lessons are. I hope I teach people it’s okay to show love at work. I hope my colleagues remember that a little positivity and humor go a long way, especially when things are hard. I hope people think of me and then remember to embrace their inner superhero 😉

Bonus 3: This is a parenting thing that works for my family. I am often guilty of moving too fast and being in a rush. My kids have some anxiety to begin with, so me rushing just makes everything worse. To help with this, we created “Team Zero Hurry”. My wife and I tell the kids that we are Team Zero Hurry while we are on vacation, and we are only allowed to be Team Fast if my wife and I say so. Then, the second the kids get anxious about having to be somewhere, we just say, “We’re Team Zero Hurry. We won’t be Team Fast unless X happens. Has X happened? No. Let’s just take our time then.” Then everyone calms down. I know it sounds goofy, but it’s super effective. It’s a great reminder to me to set the tone for the family. It also makes things clear for the kids, because unless X happens we are taking it easy.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting, Leadership, and Stepping Beside Someone (7-24-24)

Last week was about parenting and being okay with joining the failure club. This week is about parenting, leadership, and stepping beside someone.

A couple of weeks ago, the kids and I were on a pontoon ride at the campground. We were having a nice ride when Cam asked if he could get in the lake. This is a big deal, because Cam is usually scared of lakes for a variety of reasons. I tell him that he can go ahead and get in, and that he can just change into his extra pair of clothes when he gets back to the camper. He puts on a life jacket, and sits on the edge of the boat, putting his feet into the water. I’m happy that he’s even doing that. I keep giving him encouragement to get in. He asks me to get in with him. I don’t necessarily want to, because I don’t swim well and am not a huge fan of water myself. However, I also recognize this could be the support he needs to take a big step forward. I throw on a life jacket and jump in too. Cam gets in and loves it! It’s one more fear he’s conquered, and I’m so proud of him.

What does this have to do with anything? I was supporting Cam. I could have just kept giving him words of encouragement while staying on the boat. However, at this time, he didn’t need words from a distance, he needed someone beside him. When I saw that, I hopped into the lake and that’s what he needed to be confident. Now think about work for a minute and for the different leaders you’ve worked with. I’ve seen some leaders who tried to lead from their high seat. They said the right things, but they always stayed distant from the team. I’ve also seen leaders who were willing to step beside their people when that was needed. These latter leaders are my favorite. What about you?

The challenge: Will you be willing to step beside someone to lead?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Being Okay Joining the Failure Club (7-17-24)

Last week was about flumping. This week is about facing challenges, being human, and being okay with joining the failure club.

Recently, Alice played The Legend of Zelda A Link to the Past, which originally came out for Super Nintendo. She struggled quite a bit when she fought Ganon, the final boss, and as a result she became overstimulated and incredibly frustrated. I asked her to pause for a second to catch her breath, and then I asked her what was going on. Exasperated, she told me that she kept missing Ganon with her sword and how she kept screwing up. Reading in between the lines, I could see that she felt like a total failure and that she was the only one to make mistakes like this.

After hearing this I started a funny rant that went like this, “Congratulations! You are now a member of the ‘I missed Ganon with my sword’ club. Anyone who has ever played this game and made it this far is a member of that club. In fact, not only am I a member, but I’m the president of the club. If you give me a few minutes, I’ll even go and stamp your membership card.” Alice busted out laughing. My funny rant made her realize that she wasn’t uniquely a failure. It made her realize that EVERYONE has been in the same boat as her. Once she realized this, she wasn’t as frustrated. She defeated Ganon and saved Hyrule shortly after.

What does this have to do with anything? When you fail at something, do you ever feel like you are alone? Do you ever feel like you must suck or be a horrible person? I know I do. If you’ve ever failed, I’d like to take a moment to welcome you to the “I failed, which makes me human” club.Anyone who has ever lived is a member of this club. If you want, I can even stamp your membership card and give you a sticker 😉 All kidding aside, we are all miraculously flawed and beautiful humans. None of us are ever truly alone in our failures and mistakes. Somewhere there is a larger club with thousands, millions, and even billions of people who have been through something similar. You are never alone. Take solace and strength from that.

The challenge: How will you embrace your membership in the “I’m a messy human club”?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Learning to Listen to What You Need (7-10-24)

I hope you all enjoyed the 4^th of July holiday! The last entry was about expanding your comfort zone. This entry is about listening to what you need.

Cam came home after a particularly long rehearsal and was irritable. It had been a long week of rehearsals and other commitments. He was exhausted and grouchy. He comes home and says, “I’m grumpy. I just need to go flump.” In our house, flumping is like collapsing onto a softer cushiony service like a bed or a chair. Sometimes the flump also includes snuggling, reading, or just listening to music. In this instance, Cam flumped on his bed in his room and read his favorite book for 10-15 minutes. He then emerged from his room feeling so much better and was ready to face the world again. (Pic from Pawz Pet Café where you can go to snuggle some cats. #advancedflumping)

What does this have to do with anything? I love and am so impressed with how well Cameron can listen to what he needs in a moment and then act on that. He knew he was irritable and grumpy, and he knew that all he needed was 10-15 minutes to read to recharge his batteries. That’s wisdom and awareness that I don’t always have.

Meanwhile, here is how things play out for me. I don’t fully understand how upset I am at the moment and continue to keep pushing forward while a lot of time goes by. Eventually, I accidentally stumble into doing something along the way that is what I need whether that’s going on a walk, writing, reading a book, or something else. All of a sudden I feel a bit better, and then I say to myself, “Dang, I didn’t realize how much negative energy I was carrying. I wish I would have paused and did this thing sooner to deal with it.” Anyone else like that, or is it just me? I’m getting a bit better at listening to myself, but I’m not where I want to be yet.

The challenge: How can we do a better job of listening to ourselves and taking action?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting Lessons- “Have a day you can be proud of.” (6-12-24)

This week we will kick off a series about lessons I’ve learned being a parent. This entry contains some deep wisdom from Alice (12) about having a day you can be proud of.

A couple of months ago I was getting ready to leave for the office and I told the kids, “Have a good day!” Alice responded with, “Have a day you can be proud of.” I paused for a minute and said, “That’s different. Never heard that one before.” Alice then started dropping knowledge. She explained that a lot of things could happen that might make the day good or bad, but I could choose how to handle those things and how I handled them could make me proud of myself. Since then, “Have a day you can be proud of,” has become Alice’s parting phrase, and it’s stuck with me ever since.

What does this have to do with anything? At its core, Alice’s insight is that we can CHOOSE how to respond to things and that makes all the difference. The day might end up being good or the day might end up being bad. However, you have the POWER to ensure it’s a day you feel proud of. It might rain all day, and you can choose to dance in that rain instead of grumbling. You might get blindsided by challenges, and you can choose to lean into the situation instead of running away. You might get knocked down, and you can choose to get back up instead of surrendering. There is so much power in how you choose to respond.

The challenge: What will you do to ensure you have a day you can be proud of?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry