Marriage, Context, and Interpretation (6-28-23)

Our last entry was about marriage and showing support. This week is about marriage, context, and interpretation.

If I told you that you could stop by any time, what would that mean to you? Is it a nice thing to say? Is it telling you that you can stop by, but only if you call first? Is it an open invitation? Earlier when Diane and I were dating, I found out that “stop by any time” could mean different things based on how you grew up. The short version is that Diane had once told my dad he could stop by any time. Months later, he dropped by her college apartment without giving her any heads up he was coming. He called her from the parking lot, asked if she was home, and then said he had brought groceries for her and her roommates. Luckily, she was home at the time. After doing a 2-minute frantic clean, she invited my dad to hang out for a bit. (Pic of my parents at our wedding. Yes, I’m a clone of my dad.)

Diane called me later to ask why my dad would do something so weird. I asked her to explain why this was so weird for her and she told me that growing up, she would have NEVER randomly dropped in on anyone and her family would have hated it if anyone did that to them. I now understood the disconnect, so I shared how we were the hang out house growing up and if we told people to stop by any time that meant they were invited to stop by ANY time. We always had people coming and going without any hint they’d be over, and it wasn’t a big deal. When Diane told my dad he could drop by any time, he had just taken her up on that offer like my friends had growing up. Sharing this context helped each other know where they were coming from, so we could figure out how to be on the same page moving forward.

What does this have to do with anything? Think about work for a minute. How often have you thought you were on the same page and then the other person was in a totally different book? In these situations, it’s not always that the other person was wrong. It’s that they were able to draw different conclusions based on their context and surroundings. At those junctures, it’s important to slow down the conversation to figure out why there is a disconnect and figure out how to move forward.

The challenge: How are you being intentional about understanding where people are coming from and finding ways to move forward together?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Marriage and Support (6-14-23)

Last week was about marriage and the idea of equal contribution. This week is about marriage and showing support. By the way, today is our 15-year wedding anniversary!

One of the things I am most thankful for in my relationship with my wife is how we have supported each other through the years. This support can take different forms, based on what we NEED at the time. Sometimes, support is listening to each other vent, even though we’ve told the same frustrating story a zillion times. Sometimes, showing support is offering help. Sometimes, showing support is backing decisions that were made.. Sometimes, showing support is saying, “You’ve had a rough few days. I’ll handle the kids and the house. Get out of here and do whatever will bring you joy and energy.” Sometimes, support is saying, “I love you. In this instance, you’re wrong. We need to talk about it.” Sometimes, support is saying, “You are being too damn hard on yourself.” Having someone who is always there for me has made a world of difference when facing life’s challenges.

What does this have to do with anything? Life is hard. Having someone there to support you is huge. With that said, supporting each other shouldn’t just be limited to marriage and significant others. We can and should support friends, family, and work colleagues. Similar to the example with my wife, this support can take on many forms based on someone’s needs. Sometimes, support is showing up. Sometimes, support is helping remove obstacles and barriers. Sometimes, support is being and ally and friend. Sometimes, support is advocating for someone. Sometimes, support is giving tough feedback.

The challenge: How are you supporting people in your life?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Marriage and Equal Effort (6-7-23)

Last week was about marriage and small acts of recognition. This week is about marriage and the concept of equal effort. When I was first married, I think I wanted to make sure things were always equal. For example, I’d handle the dishes one time, and she’d handle them the next time. When taken too far, this created resentment. Have you ever said to yourself, “I’m doing all the work around here. They are a lazy punk!”? Maybe that’s just me 😉

Over time, I realized that our relationship would never be 100% equal for a few different reasons. First, we have different skillsets, and we should make the most of those skillsets. Second, we have different interests or aversions to different household tasks. For example, my wife enjoys cooking and I don’t particularly like it. My wife HATES cleaning bathrooms with the fire of a thousand suns, and while it’s not my favorite thing to do, it doesn’t trigger intense loathing for me. The third reason is that on any given day/week/month we might have more or less capacity to handle things. If we need 100 units of effort to run our house, sometimes we both have plenty of energy and can split that 50/50. Sometimes, one of us might need to recharge, so they can only put forward 20 and the other person picks up the 80. Sometimes, we are both worn down, and we agree that there is no way we can get to 100. At that point, we just agree that we need to hunker down, lower our expectations to just making it through the night without killing everyone, and probably put on a movie for the night. Anyone else been here? At the end of the day, as long as we are both contributing to our greater whole, we are doing the right things.

What does this have to do with anything? This has some parallels with other relationships we have whether it’s family, friends, or work colleagues. It’s easy to get fixated on the idea of equal effort meaning that everyone needs to contribute the exact same amount. Instead, contribution doesn’t always have to be exactly equal, as long as we find a way to ensure the contributions add up to the greater whole. We can think about contribution from the other lenses we explored including skillsets, what people enjoy/dislike, and individual capacity. Where does it make sense to have them lean more heavily into their strengths? Where does it make sense to have them lean into their passions? How do we adjust things based on an individual’s capacity (work, emotional, physical, and mental)?

The challenge: How will you think differently about relationships and equal effort?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Marriage and Small Acts of Recognition (5-31-23)

In about a month, I’ll celebrate my 15-year wedding anniversary with my wife, Diane. In honor of that, this series will be about lessons I’ve learned over those 15 years. We’ll start by talking about the importance of small acts of recognition.

Our family has a lot going on right now. I’m working multiple jobs and trying to be cool like a duck on the pond while my legs frantically move under the water. Summer is starting. Alice has her first major play and is having rehearsal every night for multiple hours. Cam has been going crazy about going to the pool since it opened. There’s a lot of stress/excitement/energy making everyone a bit crazy right now. Sound familiar to anyone else? 😉 Needless to say, it’s been a lot. Yesterday, Cam was having a particularly difficult day, and my wife handled it beautifully with incredible patience and listening. She sent me a text update about the situation. I could have just said read the message and moved on. Instead, I immediately said, “Great parenting! You’re the best!” We went on to offer a few words of encouragement and recognition to each other.

What does this have to do with anything? I’ve found that in our almost 15 years of marriage, it’s easy to get so busy and wrapped up in the day-to-day grind and routine that I miss a chance to show my appreciation for my wife. I’ve learned how far a few words of recognition and appreciation can go, especially when things are hectic. The exact same thing holds true for work. It’s so easy to get lost in the day-to-day that we don’t pause for a few moments to appreciate and value people for what they are doing.

The challenge: How will you ensure you’re letting people know you appreciate and value them?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry