Making Mistakes vs Being an Impostor (10-9-24)

Over the past few weeks, a few of you made comments about impostor syndrome, so I wanted to explore that for a series. This entry is about making mistakes, feeling like an impostor, and evidence. Let’s start with a definition. Impostor (noun)- one that assumes false identity or title for the purpose of deception (Impostor Definition & Meaning – Merriam-Webster).

As many of you know, I do obstacle course races. I have only had 1 race where I completed every obstacle flawlessly. Usually, I fail anywhere between 10-30% of the obstacles. Here is what is interesting. When I fail an obstacle I tell myself, “I made a mistake” and move on. The thought that I might be an impostor who doesn’t belong on the course NEVER crosses my mind. Why is that? It’s because when I step back and take a look at the evidence, I see that it refutes the impostor claim. I have a wall full of medals that demonstrates I am an obstacle course racer. The evidence reinforces who I am and what I do.

What does this have to do with anything? When most people talk to me about impostor syndrome, they say something like, “I’m afraid that if I make a mistake they will find out I don’t belong here. If I make a mistake, they will see I’m an impostor.” Making a mistake doesn’t automatically make you an impostor. Making a mistake doesn’t mean you’ve assumed a false identity or are trying to be something you’re not.

Instead of assuming you’re an imposter, I’d ask you to step back and look at the evidence. If you zoom out, chances are that there is a mound of evidence that suggests you are more than competent and capable. If you zoom out, chances are there is a mound of evidence that suggests you are worthy of being in that room. If you make a mistake, you aren’t an impostor, you’re a human who makes mistakes sometimes. There is a big difference between those two things.

The challenge: Will you distinguish between being an impostor and being a human who makes mistakes? Will you remember to step back and look at the evidence?

Bonus thoughts- I used the obstacle course racing example, but I could have used different ones. I’m a slam poet who has bombed on stage, AND I’ve won competitions and been to nationals. The bad poems don’t make me an impostor. I’m a blogger that has written some stuff that isn’t that great, AND I’ve written some amazing blogs that have brought people to tears and made a difference. The weak entries don’t make me an impostor. I’ve made all kinds of mistakes at work, AND I’ve also won awards and been recognized for doing incredible things. The mistakes don’t make me an impostor, they just reinforce that I’m human.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Being Okay Joining the Failure Club (7-17-24)

Last week was about flumping. This week is about facing challenges, being human, and being okay with joining the failure club.

Recently, Alice played The Legend of Zelda A Link to the Past, which originally came out for Super Nintendo. She struggled quite a bit when she fought Ganon, the final boss, and as a result she became overstimulated and incredibly frustrated. I asked her to pause for a second to catch her breath, and then I asked her what was going on. Exasperated, she told me that she kept missing Ganon with her sword and how she kept screwing up. Reading in between the lines, I could see that she felt like a total failure and that she was the only one to make mistakes like this.

After hearing this I started a funny rant that went like this, “Congratulations! You are now a member of the ‘I missed Ganon with my sword’ club. Anyone who has ever played this game and made it this far is a member of that club. In fact, not only am I a member, but I’m the president of the club. If you give me a few minutes, I’ll even go and stamp your membership card.” Alice busted out laughing. My funny rant made her realize that she wasn’t uniquely a failure. It made her realize that EVERYONE has been in the same boat as her. Once she realized this, she wasn’t as frustrated. She defeated Ganon and saved Hyrule shortly after.

What does this have to do with anything? When you fail at something, do you ever feel like you are alone? Do you ever feel like you must suck or be a horrible person? I know I do. If you’ve ever failed, I’d like to take a moment to welcome you to the “I failed, which makes me human” club.Anyone who has ever lived is a member of this club. If you want, I can even stamp your membership card and give you a sticker 😉 All kidding aside, we are all miraculously flawed and beautiful humans. None of us are ever truly alone in our failures and mistakes. Somewhere there is a larger club with thousands, millions, and even billions of people who have been through something similar. You are never alone. Take solace and strength from that.

The challenge: How will you embrace your membership in the “I’m a messy human club”?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Building Human Connection (4-27-22)

A person and person taking a selfie

Description automatically generated with low confidence Happy Wednesday,

Last week was about transparency and age-appropriate truth. This week is about being strong enough to build human connection.

It had been a rough day for Violet. It came to a crescendo when she hit her sister and faced negative consequences. Violet was furious when she got in trouble. She lost all control and started yelling mean things at me. She even told me she hated me. In full honesty, the first thoughts that went through my head were angry ones. There was a huge part of me that just wanted to yell back, but I didn’t. I realized her display of anger wasn’t about me. It was about her. I remembered that in tense moments, often the best thing we can do is take an action that leads to human connection, not separation. Yelling at her would have just shut her down. While she would have been quiet, it wouldn’t have been healthy. Instead of yelling, I looked at her and said, “I know you’re angry, and I also think you’re sad or hurting. I know when I’m sad or hurting I sometimes lash out to try to hurt people to make them feel bad too. You can be mad. I still love you. I’ll give you space and check on you in a few minutes.”

I came back later. Violet had calmed down. I asked if she wanted to talk. She was super sad. She cried because she just had a rough day where nothing went right. She felt like she was in a bit of a funk and didn’t know when it would end. She was really frustrated by everything. She eventually apologized to me. Throughout all of it, I just held her, validated her feelings, and helped her sort through things.

What does this have to do with anything? In life and sometimes at work, we get into tense situations. Tempers flare, words are said, and anger is thrown out into the open. When tensions rise, the natural instinct is to get defensive and to return fire with fire. What’s really happening though is that the person’s emotions and the way they are dealing with them are saying a lot more about them than they are about you. It’s important to understand that if a person is having such a strong reaction there are emotions underneath that are making them hurt or scared. When people are hurt or scared, they don’t need more anger and aggression. What they need is connection. Maybe that connection is empathy. Maybe it’s someone asking questions to show they care and are listening. Maybe it’s just sitting there with them as things diffuse.

The challenge: When things are emotionally tense how will you build human connection?

Bonus thought: Brene Brown recently wrote a booked called Atlas of the Heart that dives deeper into understanding emotions. It’s shaping how I’m viewing the world and worth a read. I hear she has a miniseries on HBO Max too, where she discusses some of the content.

Other side notes: Before you think I’m some zen master, I’m not. I screw up a lot, and totally messed up just this past weekend. This story is from one time when I got it right, and that made all the difference. Also, the hammock picture is from a different day. Few things are better than hammock snuggles.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Running YOUR Race and the Permission to not be Perfect (2-2-22)

This week I want to kick-off a series inspired by obstacle course racing hobby. We’ll start with giving people permission to not be perfect and running YOUR race.

This past weekend I completed the Abominable Snow Race. I did the Yeti Challenge consisting of 2 laps of the course which equals 11.6 miles of running/hiking through snowy forests with a lot of hills, 48 obstacles, cold temps (3 degrees at the start and a high of 20), and about 5 hours for me to complete. This is the longest obstacle course race I had ever done, so I was nervous leading up to it. Alice, my wise 9 year old daughter, gave me a pep talk. She said, “This isn’t about winning, dad. This isn’t about getting every obstacle right. You just have to do your race at your pace. That’s all you got to do.” I had never had any delusions of winning. Still, I was putting pressure on myself to have the perfect race, to ace every obstacle, to be fast, and to put in an awesome performance. Alice’s words were exactly what I needed. They gave me permission to not be perfect. They were a reminder that this wasn’t about anyone else. This was about me and my growth. As I did the race, I failed 8 obstacles, was so much slower than I wanted to be, and dang was it ugly. BUT, I ran my race and I FINISHED! While I’m still sore, I’m also incredibly proud of myself because I couldn’t have done this a few months ago. My effort and my growth is what matters, not perfection.

How does this connect with work? I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get concerned with being perfect. I become obsessed with this idea that a mistake or a flaw will negate everything I do. These thoughts paralyze me. Do you ever feel that way? Throughout my life, I’ve realized I don’t need to be perfect. I just have to be willing to try. I have to be willing to keep moving, even if the journey if filled with mistakes. Vulnerability moment. I’m trying to figure out my newish role, especially in the midst of business units merging together. There are new processes, changes, and problems popping up from every direction. I started to feel a bit like a failure, because I wasn’t perfect with all these things. The other day I spoke to my boss and said, “Am I doing okay? I just feel like there’s all this stuff right now that I don’t have a handle on. Should I? It just feels like I’m messing stuff up, like I’m not good.” Similar to Alice, my boss more or less said, “You’re doing fine. You can’t expect to be perfect right now with all this stuff popping up. You’re good. Keep moving forward.” It was permission to not be perfect. It was permission to not have everything figured out, and that made all the difference. It was a reminder to keep moving forward. It was a reminder to focus on my effort and my growth, because those are the things that will get me to where I want to go and help me become who I want to be.

The challenge: Are you giving yourself permission to not be perfect? Are you giving other people permission to not be perfect? Are you running YOUR race?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Lessons from Being a Dad Part 3 Relationships and Moments Make our Lives (5-22-19)

Last week was about looking at things differently. This week is about dropping Violet off at school and the power of relationships and moments.

Let me set the scene. It had been a tough couple of weeks at work. My mind was lost in stress and exhaustion. I was thinking about all of the calls and meetings I needed to be on, all the places I needed to be, all the cats I needed to herd, all the things I needed to accomplish, and all the challenges ahead.

That morning I took Violet to school. I walked her to her room, my brain living in stress, continually thinking about how far behind and out of it I felt. I gave Violet a big hug, dropped her off, and then started walking down the hall to the parking lot. All of a sudden I hear sprinting feet and Violet yelling, “Daddy! Daddy!” I stopped and turned around to see her sprinting toward me. I asked her what was going on. She gets to me and says, “I forgot to give you a big kiss!” I scoop her up and she gives me a few big kisses, squeezes me as tight as she can, says, “We’re good now. Love you,” and then she jumps down and runs to her class. I watch her run, all of the stress and everything melts away, and I find myself feeling lighter. There I was lost in stress, and in one quick second all that was gone as her joy and love washed over me in that moment. (Maybe I teared up a bit when this happened, because I know I won’t get moments like that forever.)

You might be wondering where this is going. It’s easy to get lost in the stress of work, where everything feels important and daunting. It’s easy to think that your life is work and the projects that you do, but it’s not. It’s easy to get lost in what feels like a never ending cycle of stress and anxiety. Our lives are so much more than what we get lost in during stressful days. Our lives are so much more than the day to day grind and minutiae.

My life is lived in the relationships I have with my family and friends and the moments we have together. My life is a 5 year old sprinting to give me a kiss in the hallway, laughing with my wife, a water balloon fight that turns into a block party, snuggles at bedtime, reading a book in a hammock, having good beer with friends, spontaneous dance parties, joking with colleagues, celebrating firsts and big accomplishments, seeing growth, etc. What kind of relationships and moments make up your life?

The challenge: Don’t lose sight that your life is more than work. Your life is relationships and moments.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry