Parenting and the Art of Setting Expectations (4-7-21)

Last week was about recognizing progress. This week is about parenting and the art of setting expectations.

One of my biggest struggles as a parent is setting the right expectations for my kids. My intent is to set high expectations that will stretch my kids to grow AND still be achievable and grounded in reality. My wife and I talk and calibrate expectations a lot, and often my expectations are too unrealistic. I find ways to justify my thinking. I say, “My wife’s expectations are too low” or “I know what they are capable of” or “They know I love them so pushing them so hard is okay.” There might be truth in all of these explanations. At the same time, these unrealistic expectations often fail to look at them as individuals and are often set based on my needs, not theirs. If my expectations are so unrealistic that my girls can’t ever meet them, then they will always experience failure. That won’t motivate them to reach their full potential, it will crush them.

How does this connect to work? The challenge I have as a parent is the exact same challenge that leaders face. How many times have you been handed totally unrealistic expectations at work? How did those unrealistic expectations make you feel? I consider myself an optimist, but I also know I have to embrace the reality of situations (Stockdale paradox). Expectations that aren’t grounded in reality hinder my motivation, because it feels futile to go after something that can’t be reached while knowing I’ll be somehow negatively impacted in the process. Have you ever felt that way?

There is an art to setting expectations. Make the goals too easy, and there is no pride in attaining them. Set unrealistic expectations not grounded in reality, and motivation is negatively impacted. If you set expectations that are a stretch, meaningful, and attainable, then you will motivate people to achieve great things. This is not easy and requires constant calibration.

The challenge: As a leader, how are you calibrating and setting the right expectations?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Recognizing Progress (3-31-21)

Last week was about parenting and showing appreciation. This week is about parenting and recognizing progress. Alice can have challenges regulating her emotions sometimes. She can go from 0-100 miles of fury per hour in .2 seconds (I’m sure we’ve all been there). The other night she got really upset and exploded. My wife and I talked to her about this and how she needs to do better. Alice responded, “I’m trying really hard to get better at calming down. You keep telling me I’m not doing this right. I’m not perfect, but you’re not recognizing that I’m making any progress.”

My wife and I sat in silence for a moment. First, I was so proud of Alice for feeling brave and confident enough to say this. Second, I was impressed that she understood herself so well and knew she needed her progress to be seen. Third, I felt like a bit of a jerk. I was so focused on the problem that I lost sight of the journey. I lost sight of how far Alice has come and how hard she is working every day. I lost sight of how important it is for me to show her I see her and recognize her progress (maybe I should reread my blog from last week 😉). After we regained our ability to speak, my wife and I told Alice she was right. We pivoted the conversation to focus on the progress she is making AND how we can help her keep moving in the right direction.

How does this connect to work? I see connections at the individual level and at the leadership level. As an individual, how often do you focus on your shortcomings vs. your progress? This is me all day. I can get obsessive about the misses, while never seeing the tremendous growth I should be proud of. As a leader, how often do we treat teammates the way my wife and I initially treated Alice? How often do we spend most of our effort on judging the work and pointing out all of the shortcomings vs. recognizing the positive progress that has been made? As leaders, we will always be able to see shortcomings in others, because we are all human. If all the person ever hears is us calling out their shortcomings, what will that do to them and our relationship with them?

The challenge: Are you recognizing progress or are you just seeing shortcomings?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Showing Appreciation (3-24-21)

Last week was about parenting and prioritization. This week is about parenting and showing appreciation.

My wife and I were hanging out in the living room with our daughters. I started to talk about how proud of them I am and how they’ve been great recently and how much we appreciate them. My girls get a little sheepish and one of them jokingly says, “Here comes the dad talk.” I laughed, gave her a huge hug and said, “Dang right it’s the dad talk!” Then, I continued to talk about how proud I am and how much I appreciate them for being who they are, because one of the most important things I can do as a dad is ensure that my girls ALWAYS know how much they are valued and loved. I try to consistently demonstrate this with my actions and my words, even if the girls give me a hard time for giving the “dad talk.”

What does this have to do with work? Similar to being a dad, one of the most important responsibilities of a leader is ensuring their people feel valued and loved. Our current environment is making it hard to do this. The world is moving so fast and as we continue to work from home we lose many of the organic touchpoints we would have to demonstrate how much we appreciate each other. With this in mind, we need to be more intentional than ever about making sure people feel valued and loved. We need to slow down and ensure these conversations are happening and that our words and actions cut through all of the noise. Imagine for a moment. What if we got so great at making people feel valued that the next time we started to tell someone we appreciate them they would interrupt us to jokingly say, “It’s the leader talk again.” 😉 Imagine how different it would feel to be at work if this was the case.

The challenge: How are you being intentional about showing appreciation and making people feel valued and loved? What action will you take TODAY?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Screen Time, Value, and Prioritization (3-17-21)

Last week was about identifying your cultural pillars. This week is about parenting, screen time, value, and prioritization.

One of our rules is that the girls get limited screen time each day. During this time they have the option to do different things. They can watch cartoons, play video games, or do something on the ipad. Whatever they choose to do, they still get the same amount of time. The other day the girls had their normal amount of screen time. They chose to watch a cartoon on the main TV. At the end of the episode, I told them it was time to turn everything off. They asked for more screen time. I told them no. They got upset, because they said they didn’t want to watch cartoons, and they had really wanted to play video games. I reminded them that they knew they had limited amounts of screen time and that they chose to watch cartoons. I also explained In the future they would need to be more thoughtful about how to spend that screen time if they were disappointed.

What does this have to do with anything? The girls don’t realize it yet, but we are essentially teaching them a sneaky lesson in prioritization and understanding what you value and want. They have a set amount of screen time, and they have a few different ways they could spend that time. How should they spend it? It all depends. Out of their options, which one(s) would give them the most value? In a similar way, we all have a limited number of hours each week to fit in everything we need to do as it relates to our holistic health, our relationships, and work. How often have you looked back at the day or week and said to yourself, “Whoa, I don’t think I did any of the things I really wanted to do. I wish I could have done X, Y, and Z instead.” I know this happens to me sometimes. There’s no way to go back in time, but I can do a better job of ensuring I know what I value and then making sure I focus my efforts on those things. Sometimes, this means making sure I’m prioritizing and staying focused on important work. Sometimes, this means that I step away from that important work and spend time connecting with others and myself to ensure I’m meeting my other needs. It all depends on what I value and need.

The challenge: What do you value? Are you CHOOSING to prioritize your time to reflect what you value?

Bonus thoughts: When it comes to prioritizing work I tend look at 3 variables: impact to the business, quality of the deliverable, and amount of effort. I try to focus on the things that have the most impact. From there, I’m constantly balancing quality and effort. If the work needs to be A quality, then it requires a lot of effort. This means, I can only do a limited amount of A quality things at a time. However, if the quality required is only a B or C, then that requires less effort and I can produce more work. My opinion is that most stuff really just needs to be a B, because it’s not going to be perfect before it hits the market anyway. Being honest about the quality helps me make sure I put the right amount of effort towards the right things. There is no point putting maximum effort toward something that needs to be a B.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Family Values and Culture (3-10-21)

This week we will kick off a series of lessons I’ve learned since becoming a dad. This week is about artwork my wife created and defining the culture you want to have.

The image on the right is art my wife did that captures the key values for our family. It includes things like, “We can do hard things” (grit), “We write worlds” (creativity), “Experiment, fail, and try again” (learning), and “We belong to each other” (love/inclusion). Having clarity on what we value as a family shapes the behaviors we exhibit as parents. For example, we value creativity, so we embrace messiness. If you come to my house you’ll see multiple experiments, a hot mess creative area, a rope swing, a fort, and likely a dance party. We don’t sweat the mess, because we value creativity. One thing we won’t tolerate is giving up when things get difficult. We value grit, so we encourage our daughters to lean into hard things. We spend extra time encouraging them, helping them learn to cope with frustration, and celebrating their progress.

How does this connect with anything? That board summarizes what is important to the culture of our family, and serves as a guide for how we need to behave to support those pillars. In a similar way, when you’re on a team you need to understand what you want the pillars of your culture to be. On top of being clear on the pillars, you need to be clear on what behaviors support that culture, so you can be aware if you are exhibiting those or not. If you are NOT intentional about defining your culture and the corresponding behaviors, culture will still develop. It just won’t evolve into what you want it to be, and in my experience it will become something that doesn’t necessarily reflect you and what you value.

The challenge: Have you taken the time to define what you want the culture of your team to be? Have you taken the time to think through the norms/behaviors that create that culture? How are you and your teammates currently living (or not living) your culture?

Bonus thought- You can apply the same thinking to define your leadership principles as well. In case you’re curious, mine are love, purpose, synergy, and movement. I try to act in act in a way that people know I care deeply about them and the work we do together (love). I stay connected to our greater purpose and also try to help the team understand why we are doing what we are doing for any given project (purpose). I believe we are all superheroes, and I’ll work to leverage the superpowers of others (synergy). Last, we will always find a path forward no matter the obstacles (movement).

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Painting and Making Mistakes (4-8-20)

This week I’d like to tell one more story about my daughters and transition us into a series inspired by art. This week is about painting and making mistakes.

The picture is of Alice holding a painting she did on her own for a 2^nd grade project. You probably can’t tell looking at the picture, but she initially made a mistake on the eyes. When she realized her mistake, she got upset with herself and was convinced that she had ruined the painting. I took her aside explained to her that when people examine paintings, even some of the most famous paintings in the world, that if they look beyond the top layer of paint they can see where the artist initially made a mistake. They can see where the artist recovered and painted over their mistake, and unless you had the right equipment, you’d never know an error was made in the first place. I told her she could just paint over her mistake, and the painting would turn out just fine.

What does this have to do with anything? I don’t know about you, but I can be just like Alice sometimes. I make one small mistake and think that something is ruined. The truth is that most of the mistakes and flaws that I see in myself and my work aren’t even seen by other people. On top of this, even if the mistake is seen, it’s usually something that can be painted over, before it ever impacts the final deliverable. With everything going on right now it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by supposed mistakes and shortcomings like not being as productive, missed opportunities, not being as on top of things, kids crashing conference calls, etc. If you feel or experience any of these, it’s okay. It’s just a sign that you’re human. When you experience these I hope you can take a deep breath and realize that this mistake is something that most likely will not be noticed and can easily be painted over. By the time this is all over, you will be a piece of art showcasing your grit, tenacity, and grace, and that beauty is what will be seen.

The challenge: When you make a mistake, will you pause and remember you can probably “paint over it”?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Rope Swings and Finding a Way Forward (4-1-20)

Last week was about having a clear reward system. This week is about building a rope swing and finding a way forward instead of always finding barriers.

About a month ago Violet asked me for some string. I gave her a thing of string and she went back upstairs. She had been quite for too long, so I went upstairs to see what she was doing. Our upstairs looks down over our entry way. She had taken the string and woven it through the railing. I asked her what she was doing and she replied that she was making a rope swing. At that critical moment I could have responded in a few different ways. Most obviously, I could have told her that was a bad idea and she couldn’t do it. Instead, I said, “I like your idea. I’m not sure if string is strong enough to hold you if you swing, so how could we make this work?” She paused for a moment and then said that rope would probably be strong enough to hold her. We didn’t have any rope at the time, so I told her we would get some. A couple of weeks ago we got some rope, and as soon as we got it we built a rope swing in our house. You’ll notice a green blanket around the rope in the picture. That was Violet’s idea to protect her hands. Pretty clever if I can say so. 😉

What does this have to do with anything? My wife and I are trying to raise girls who are willing to try new things and bring new ideas to the table. In order to promote that we try to create an environment where we work to find ways forward instead of always finding barriers. Think about work for a minute. How often have you shared a new idea with someone and the first thing out of their mouth was all the reasons why we CAN’T do something? How did that feel? I don’t know about you, but those situations take a lot of my energy and eventually make me want to give up on new ideas. On the other hand, how often have your brought ideas to people and they helped you find a way forward? How did that feel? Even if the way forward wasn’t the same idea I initially discussed, the fact that someone was helping me find a path forward boosted my engagement. It also made me willing to come back to that person, because I knew they would be a help vs. a wall to run into.

The challenge: As a leader how can you help people find a way forward vs. a wall that will stop them?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Reward Systems, Scoring Points, and Knowing Where You Are (3-25-20)

Last week was about Alice, the science fair, and teaching people to do things on their own. This week is about reward systems, scoring points, and knowing where you are.

Back in 2019 my wife and I came up with a reward system based on the Harry Potter House Cup system where the students earn points for good behavior and lose points for bad behavior. We decided to create our own House Cup, and we are each represented by the house the Pottermore Sorting Hat put us in: Gryffindor (Violet), Ravenclaw (Alice), Slytherin (my wife) and Hufflepuff (myself). After sorting ourselves into houses, we worked with the kids to identify things they could do to earn points. For example, doing chores without complaining could earn them 2 points. Going all day without getting a timeout could earn them 10 points. We also worked with them to create a list of rewards they would get for earning so many points. 50 points would earn an extra book at bedtime. 1700 points resulted in no chores for a week. This system has continued to work well with my girls. I believe part of the reason why it works so well is because it is incredibly clear. They know exactly how to earn points and where they stand in relation to the next goal/prize. As a result of this, they are inspired and motivated to exhibit the right behaviors, which is a win for everyone in the house, especially my wife and myself.

How does this connect to work? Have you ever been in a situation where you didn’t know what it took to win or where you didn’t know how you were tracking toward a goal? How did you feel in those situations? I’ve been in those situations, and it didn’t feel good. I often felt disengaged, because I had no idea if I was doing the right things or making progress. Sometimes this was a project where I didn’t know what I was shooting for. Other times it is how I’ve felt about my career, not knowing what it takes and where I stand in regards to expectations and how to get to where I want to go.

This lack of clarity exists for multiple reasons. Maybe, what good looks like is not well defined. Maybe, different people have various views on what good looks like, which creates inconsistent goals. Maybe, you do not have the ability to know and/or receive feedback to tell you where you are in the grand scheme of things. No matter the cause, this lack of clarity can be incredibly disengaging when you don’t know where you stand and what is required to move forward.

The challenge: As leaders how can we bring clarity to the behaviors that are required to win? As leaders how do we ensure that individuals know where they stand in relation to their goals?

If I’m being entirely honest, now is one of those times when it is hard to know what “winning” looks like. I’m trying to give myself and others grace as we all work together to figure this out.

What does it look like to be a “good” husband/dad/friend/co-worker right now?
What does “good” movement on projects look like with everything going on?
What does “good” look like when it comes to maintaining the team’s culture and vibe?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Alice, the Science Fair, and Doing Things Herself (3-18-20)

I hope you are all strong and healthy. Last week was about shaping the environment as leaders. This week is about Alice, the science fair, and doing things herself.

Last year Alice was a first grader and she asked to do the science fair. My wife and I told her no, because we didn’t want to be the ones who ended up doing the project for her. We told her she could enter the science fair in second grade, but she would do the work. This year, Alice entered the science fair where she tested what would happen to green bean plants when she watered them with different liquids including water, tea, coffee, Gatorade, gasoline, vegetable oil, and milk.

While my wife and I were there to help teach Alice, she was the one who did the work. I was so proud of her for all the hard work she put in. However, if I’m being honest, the science fair drove my wife and I a bit crazy. Have you ever watched a second grader type? It took her years to type out paragraphs, and it took everything we had not to just type it for her. Have you ever watched a second grader try to use a mouse and Excel? She wanted to make graphs, so I taught her how to type in the data and how to highlight the data to make a graph. Watching her actually go through those steps was like having something slowly eat away at my brain. Deep down inside, I just wanted to do the things, because it would have been faster. However, If I would have done the things for her, she wouldn’t have learned anything. Now she has skills and abilities that she didn’t have a few weeks ago, because we taught her vs. did it for her.

What does this have to do with work? Coaching and developing people is one of the most important things we can do as leaders. With that said, how often do we invest the time it takes to teach and help people grow vs. jumping in and taking control? Helping someone grow takes time, a lot of time. Just like my situation with Alice, watching someone struggle to get something is painful, and you could definitely do it faster and better than they could. I don’t know about you, but I know that there have been times I’ve jumped in and done things FOR someone vs. helping them learn how to do it. The problem is that if I am always jumping in to do it for them, they can never learn on their own. This will lead them to be dependent on me, and they’ll never be able to evolve into the person and employee they were meant to be.

The challenge: Are you investing the time with people to help them grow and develop?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Violet, Meltdowns, and Changing her Environment (3-11-20)

Last week was about Alice and how she needed to be held. This week is about Violet, meltdowns, and shaping the environment in order to drive behavior.

Violet was over tired around Christmas time and desperately needed a nap after traveling to the in-laws and being overstimulated. She refused, eventually throwing a fit and losing control over her emotions. I knew that if I could just get her to slow down she’d fall asleep, take a nap, and be better when she woke up. I decided to change my tactics. I got her in the van to take a drive. I tried to get her to snuggle with a blanket because I knew that would get her to fall asleep, but she refused. I knew arguing with her would just escalate the entire situation. Instead of arguing, I turned on the air conditioning full blast in the middle of December. She eventually got cold, which led her to wrap herself up in a blanket. Once she put on the blanket, she was asleep in two minutes. When she woke up, she was good to go, and had great behavior for the rest of the day. #dadgenius

What does this have to do with anything? In the above story, I knew that I wanted Violet to take a nap to help with her behavior. I also knew that if I set up the right environment, then it would increase her chances of taking a nap. By setting up the right environment around her (making it cold), I drove her to snuggle up with a blanket and fall asleep. In a similar way, as leaders we “control the thermostat” and shape the environment people operate in, which drives the behavior for the team. Think about the teams you’ve been on. What were the different environments like and how did they impact you? I’ve been on teams with an array of different environments. Some environments drove trust and vulnerability. Some drove teamwork and high performance. Some drove competition and mistrust between teammates. Some drove efficiency, while others drove frantic work. In all of these cases, the environment created by the leader and the other folks on the team shaped how people behaved. Environments are not created by accident. Creating the right environment requires being intentional about what you’re trying to accomplish.

The challenge: As a leader, what behaviors are you trying to drive? Are you creating an environment that will drive those behaviors? HOW are you creating that environment?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry