Tag: acceptance

Therapy and Radical Acceptance (9-18-24)

Last week was about therapy and thought traps.  This week we are diving into the powerful idea of radical acceptance.  I consider this to be my favorite therapy tool and mindset shift.  This email is a bit longer, because I wanted to dig a little deeper into the concepts and I’m throwing in a couple examples.

During one of my therapy sessions I was talking about my problems and saying things like, “I keep running into X, and it sucks.  It SHOULD be going like this.  And I’m facing Y situation.  It SHOULD NOT be going like that.  It SHOULD be happening like this.”  Have you ever been overwhelmed by the thought of how things should be vs how they are?  After listening to me, my therapist hit me hard like a punch straight to the gut with an insight that cut to the core of my problem.  She said something along the lines of, “You are making yourself suffer twice.  You’re suffering the first time because the challenge you are facing is hard.  That’s true.  It is hard.  You are making yourself suffer a second time, because you are refusing to accept reality for what it is.  Instead of embracing reality you keep saying this SHOULD or SHOULD NOT be happening.  You are creating unrealistic expectations, and that’s causing you even more pain because they can’t be fulfilled.” 

I sat there stunned for a moment, and then my therapist talked to me about the concept of radical acceptance.  Radical acceptance is focused on embracing what IS instead of what should be.  The main idea is learning how to OBJECTIVELY look at a situation to see the real facts, challenges, and constraints.  There is no judgment about whether it’s good or bad.  It’s merely looking at the situation and saying, “This is reality.  This is the challenge I need to contend with.”  I can’t express how important of a mindset shift this was for me.  Once I learned how to practice radical acceptance, I could step back from a situation and be objective.  Once I learned how to embrace radical acceptance, the emotions of a situation no longer had such a hold on me.  Being objective and creating distance helped me analyze what was occurring, so I could see potential solutions and get unstuck. 

What does this have to do with anything?  Whether it’s your personal life or work, it’s easy to get swept up in what SHOULD happen, and to become so focused on this that you end up suffering twice when reality doesn’t meet your expectations.  Instead, we need to practice radical acceptance, embrace reality, and then problem solve.  Below are a couple of real examples from my recent life.  Do either of these sound familiar?

Too much work example– I started by telling myself this, “We have too much work to do.  We SHOULD have more headcount or more resources.  This is crap!  I guess I’ll just have to work zillions of hours.”  Does this ring any bells?  Then I practiced radical acceptance with the team and the conversation turned into this, “The reality of the situation is that we have too much work to do.  We don’t have the resources or people to do it all, and there are no indications that we are going to get more people or resources anytime soon.  The only way we can get it all done is if we work ourselves to death.  I don’t want that for any of us.  Now let’s problem solve.  It won’t be easy, but we need to make choices.  What do we value?  What can we prioritize?  Okay, we value X, so we are going to focus all our efforts on Y and Z and leave everything else alone.  I’ll start emailing folks to tell them we won’t help with their request right now, and/or we will offer them ______ because we are already doing that so they can try that if they want to but we won’t be doing anything special for them.”  The situation didn’t necessarily get easier, but practicing radical acceptance enabled me to problem solve without suffering twice.  Also, it might sound weird to say but practicing radical acceptance also has enabled me to be more zen, even in the midst of a lot of chaos.

Health and fitness example– I have what will likely be my last obstacle course race of the year in about 1.5 weeks.  For the past couple of weeks I’ve been beating myself up.  I’ve been saying things like, “I SHOULD have lifted more.  I SHOULD have done more dead hangs.  I SHOULD have ran more.  I SHOULD have been better with all aspects of my health.  I can’t believe I didn’t do those things.  I suck.  I SHOULD NOT feel like I’m more or less starting over.”  Have you ever beat yourself up over your health and fitness goals?  The reality of the situation is that I’m not happy about this, but it is the situation I’m in.  Due to a wide variety of reasons, I did not train as much as I would have liked, and there is NOTHING I can do to change that.  Rehashing it over and over again does not help.  Practicing radical acceptance led me to realize that I have a limited number of days left to prepare for the race.  I have the opportunity to make the most of those.  Most importantly, the reality is that even if I didn’t train as much as I would have liked, I can still have a lot of fun at the race.  I’m no longer beating myself up, and I feel so much better.

The challenge: How will you practice radical acceptance to embrace reality for what it is?

Resources- Here are a few videos I watched about radical acceptance.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Your Brand Is Not for Everyone… and That’s Okay (4-17-24)

Last week was about exploring the problems your personal brand uniquely solves.  This week is about understanding you and your brand aren’t for everyone… and that’s okay!

I was in an interview once and they asked me what one of my favorite brands was.  I explained that it was Sprecher Root Beer.  I enjoy a high-quality root beer, and that’s exactly what Sprecher stands for.  It’s root beer made with Wisconsin honey giving it a smooth taste.  It comes in thick glass bottles.  You only put things in glass bottles if they are worth something, and we all know beverages from glass bottles are always better than beverages from cans or plastic.  Restaurants and places that carry Sprecher root beer show me that they care about quality and about doing things a little differently.

I imagine that most of you reading the blog this week don’t care much about root beer.  You probably read the above paragraph and was like, “That’s nice… I guess.”  You won’t think about root beer again or you’ll say to yourself, “A+W and MUG root beer are just fine.” All of this is okay.  At the end of the day Sprecher is NOT a brand for everybody.  It’s a brand for people who enjoy high quality root beer, and not everyone can be as awesome as me 😉

What does this have to do with personal branding?  As humans, I think we naturally feel the pressure to please everyone, and as a result we want a personal brand that is liked by EVERYONE.  I know I feel this way sometimes (or a lot of times).  When this thought kicks in, I try to remember two things.  First, pleasing everyone is impossible.  Second, attempting to please everyone would require you to water down so much of who you are that you wouldn’t be you anymore.  Much like Sprecher root beer, if your brand is truly built on you and who you are, then your brand shouldn’t be for everyone and for every situation.  There is power in embracing this.  Just because my brand doesn’t work for you and for a situation doesn’t mean it’s bad or I’m bad.  It just means the situation isn’t the right fit, and having the right fit is more important than force fitting something.

The challenge: Can you accept that your brand isn’t for everyone and every situation?  (Per previous challenges- Who and what situation is YOUR brand for?)

Bonus deep thought/confession:  I’d argue that reflecting to define your brand is relatively easy.  The harder thing is deciding to accept yourself (and your brand) for who you are, what you do, and how you do things.  Earlier in my career I had this weird love/hate relationship with being known as this inclusive storyteller poet guy.  (Truth be told, this love/hate relationship still continues sometimes, but it was fierce and brutal when I was younger).  I had decided that “the world” only rewards people who are seen as “technically smart” in certain areas and often doesn’t appreciate “soft skills”.  As a result, I had this inner battle and sometimes outward flinching even when people were giving me compliments about my inclusion and storytelling skills.  It’s like I’d get irritated at them for seeing me for who I was, because I didn’t think who I was would be valued by the organization.  People would give me compliments and I’d essentially be like, “Yeah, but nobody cares about that stuff.  I need to do and be X.”  Does that make sense to anybody?  Have you ever felt that way?  I often felt that I was less than and not good enough.  Over time, I’ve come to realize and embrace that my inclusive nature and storytelling skills are superpowers that make me unique and enable me to make a difference wherever I am.  If you ever go through something similar, I hope you ultimately stumble into this understanding and peace as well.  (Side note, Tori Brown, if you are reading this, I know you’re smiling/laughing/smirking after having this convo with me a few times in my career.  At least this shows I heard you 😉.  Along those lines, I hope you all have a Tori Brown in your life who helps you realize you are just totally wrong and blind for not embracing yourself.)

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry