Therapy and Acknowledging Things are Heavy (8-28-24)

Carrying A Heavy Weight Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images ... Last week was about therapy and being brave enough to ask for help. Thanks for everyone who reached out with kind words, and I’m proud of everyone who is committed and/or recommitting to therapy and taking care of themselves. This week is about therapy and acknowledging things are heavy.

After the initial part of our conversation, my therapist asked me to talk more about what was going on. I started listing everything off. “I have these 3 things going on with each kid, and there’s no playbook for this. Everything is on fire at work, AND there are 4 to 5 challenges I’m trying to sift through and navigate. There are these 3 other things happening in life. My shoulder is in constant pain. I haven’t been working out. I can’t even tell you the last time I slept well. I feel like crap. I’m focusing on holding it together, so I can keep stuff moving.”

After listening to me rattle off all those things, my therapist looks me in the eyes and says, “That’s a lot.” I immediately discount her comment and in complete seriousness reply, “It’s nothing special. All that is just another Tuesday.” She hears me say this. She hears me discount her original statement. She looks me in the eyes again and says something like, “It’s a lot. Even if it’s not one huge event it is still a lot of things to carry, and it’s a lot of weight. It’s a lot to carry for any human.”

What does this have to do with anything? This was the beginning of one of my first epiphanies from therapy. I had been so consumed by just trying to make it day to day that I had lost all perspective. I had failed to realize that all of these things were adding up. Has this ever happened to you?

The moment my therapist acknowledged that I was carrying heavy weight it opened my eyes and shifted how I felt about myself. I wasn’t weak. I was carrying a lot of heavy things. It also reinforced that I’m human, we are all humans, and being overwhelmed at times is just part of the broader human experience. Have you ever felt overwhelmed like this?

The challenge: Will you appropriately appreciate and recognize the weight you are carrying? Will you embrace that it’s okay if heavy things feel heavy? Will you remember that you aren’t weak, sometimes things are heavy?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Therapy and Asking for Help (8-21-24)

Today marks my 600^th blog! It’s wild to think I’ve been doing this for about 12 years. I appreciate all of you for reading and encouraging me to keep writing.

I mentioned a few months ago that after having a tough time I leveraged our Lyra benefit and reached out to a therapist for the first time. This series is going to consist of lessons I picked up from that experience. I’m hoping that it helps normalize therapy, and that maybe a few of the things I learned will be useful to you as well. We will kick the series off by focusing on asking for help.

I was nervous for my first therapy session. After a few moments of small talk, my therapist asked, “What brought you to therapy? Why now?” I paused for a second. It was hard to admit I needed help. I was used to having broad shoulders. I was used to being able to handle anything thrown in my direction. Eventually, I responded, “To be honest, life is kicking my a$$ and has been for a little while. Yes, I’m making it through it, but that isn’t the same as living. I don’t feel good about where I am or the person I am right now. I tried a few things on my own and they didn’t work. I decided I needed to get some help to handle life better. That’s why I’m here.”

What does this have to do with anything? It can be difficult to ask for help sometimes. It can be hard, because you’re worried about others judging you, being less than, or feeling weak for needing help. I’ve felt all those things. Have you? Once we start feeling those things, it’s easy to get stuck feeling those things, which prevents us from asking for the help we need.

Instead of focusing on the discomfort surrounding asking for help, I focused on the pain I was experiencing without the help. Once I acknowledged and embraced that life was kicking by butt and how that was having a negative impact on all aspects of my life, I realized the pain of living with that far outweighed any discomfort from asking for help. The next time you’re hesitant about asking for help for anything, ask yourself if you’d rather face the short discomfort of asking for help or if you’d rather be stuck feeling the current pain you are experiencing.

The challenge: Will you be willing to ask for help?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Seeing the Bigger Picture before Making Judgments (8-14-24)

This will be the last in my series about lessons I’ve learned from being a parent. This week is all about taking time to understand the bigger picture before making a judgment.

We had a fabulous time on vacation. However, if you would have seen my family on Monday afternoon, it would have been easy to conclude that we were all bad people who hated each other, because we were so grumpy and irritable. If you took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, you might think a little differently. We had been on vacation for 2 weeks and desperately wanted to get home. We had been traveling all day. We were exhausted, rushed, overwhelmed, etc. Understanding all of this, you would likely conclude that we were good people who just had a long day. You’d give us grace and patience.

What does this have to do with anything? Have you ever had a negative experience with someone and instantly decided that they were bad? I have. Someone has been in a bad mood, and I’ve made the snap decision that they must be a jerk. Someone didn’t do something well at work, and I’ve made the snap decision that they don’t have the right skills. It’s so easy to make judgments based on a snapshot in time vs on the bigger picture and a confirmed pattern of behavior. The majority of time, these snap decisions are wrong.

Maybe the person is a jerk, or maybe they are going through something incredibly difficult in life and they are carrying more stress than usual. I know that I’ve unintentionally lashed out at people, when I carried stress that had nothing to do with them. Maybe the person doesn’t have the necessary skills, or maybe they had a different vision for what was supposed to occur or maybe they are just human and made a mistake. I know I’ve made mistakes before. Making these snap judgments often lead to the worst possible paths for all parties involved.

The challenge: Will you take the time to see the bigger picture before passing judgment?

Bonus: The pic is my family on the boat outside of Gibraltar. You might notice our travel sheep. He is a special stuffed animal who ONLY goes on vacations with us, so the other stuffed animals are left at home. I can tell you’re jealous. 😉 Fun fact. The travel sheep went through the security at the airport, fell out of the bin in the x-ray machine, and confused the machine so bad that it caused about 8 bins of stuff to have to be rescanned. That sheep is baaaaaa-d news!

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Enduring Lessons (7-31-24)

Last week was about parenting, leadership, and stepping beside someone. This week is about parenting and enduring lessons.

We leave soon for a family trip. The other day I was talking to the kids about the trip and one of them said, “This time we slay monsters, not dragons.” I chuckled. They were referring to something I taught them about 2 years ago when we were preparing to go on a different big trip. Rather than tell them that everything was going to be smooth sailing I told them that we were guaranteed to run into problems, and when we did, we would slay those dragons and move on. Here’s the entry if you’re curious Vacation and Preparing for Dragons (10-5-22) – Striking Matches (home.blog). Beginning tomorrow, we embark on another adventure. Beginning tomorrow, we will be ready to slay some monsters. I’ll make sure I save some for Van Helsing (bonus points if you get that bad joke). (Pic is from Copilot “Create an image of an AI relaxing on vacation on a cruise ship)

What does this have to do with anything? I never would have thought that something I said 2 years ago would stick with them like this. I didn’t think it was anything super special at the time, just a funny way to talk about challenges. It just goes to show the sticking power of the lessons you teach to others, whether you are intentional about teaching those lessons or not. This all makes me curious about what other lessons I’m teaching them that sink in and will last for a long time. It also has me wondering what lessons I’m leaving people I work with.

The challenge: What enduring lessons are you leaving behind?

Bonus 1: Reach out to someone who left an enduring message with you and tell them thanks (assuming it’s a positive one).

Bonus 2: Here is what I hope my enduring lessons are. I hope I teach people it’s okay to show love at work. I hope my colleagues remember that a little positivity and humor go a long way, especially when things are hard. I hope people think of me and then remember to embrace their inner superhero 😉

Bonus 3: This is a parenting thing that works for my family. I am often guilty of moving too fast and being in a rush. My kids have some anxiety to begin with, so me rushing just makes everything worse. To help with this, we created “Team Zero Hurry”. My wife and I tell the kids that we are Team Zero Hurry while we are on vacation, and we are only allowed to be Team Fast if my wife and I say so. Then, the second the kids get anxious about having to be somewhere, we just say, “We’re Team Zero Hurry. We won’t be Team Fast unless X happens. Has X happened? No. Let’s just take our time then.” Then everyone calms down. I know it sounds goofy, but it’s super effective. It’s a great reminder to me to set the tone for the family. It also makes things clear for the kids, because unless X happens we are taking it easy.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting, Leadership, and Stepping Beside Someone (7-24-24)

Last week was about parenting and being okay with joining the failure club. This week is about parenting, leadership, and stepping beside someone.

A couple of weeks ago, the kids and I were on a pontoon ride at the campground. We were having a nice ride when Cam asked if he could get in the lake. This is a big deal, because Cam is usually scared of lakes for a variety of reasons. I tell him that he can go ahead and get in, and that he can just change into his extra pair of clothes when he gets back to the camper. He puts on a life jacket, and sits on the edge of the boat, putting his feet into the water. I’m happy that he’s even doing that. I keep giving him encouragement to get in. He asks me to get in with him. I don’t necessarily want to, because I don’t swim well and am not a huge fan of water myself. However, I also recognize this could be the support he needs to take a big step forward. I throw on a life jacket and jump in too. Cam gets in and loves it! It’s one more fear he’s conquered, and I’m so proud of him.

What does this have to do with anything? I was supporting Cam. I could have just kept giving him words of encouragement while staying on the boat. However, at this time, he didn’t need words from a distance, he needed someone beside him. When I saw that, I hopped into the lake and that’s what he needed to be confident. Now think about work for a minute and for the different leaders you’ve worked with. I’ve seen some leaders who tried to lead from their high seat. They said the right things, but they always stayed distant from the team. I’ve also seen leaders who were willing to step beside their people when that was needed. These latter leaders are my favorite. What about you?

The challenge: Will you be willing to step beside someone to lead?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting and Being Okay Joining the Failure Club (7-17-24)

Last week was about flumping. This week is about facing challenges, being human, and being okay with joining the failure club.

Recently, Alice played The Legend of Zelda A Link to the Past, which originally came out for Super Nintendo. She struggled quite a bit when she fought Ganon, the final boss, and as a result she became overstimulated and incredibly frustrated. I asked her to pause for a second to catch her breath, and then I asked her what was going on. Exasperated, she told me that she kept missing Ganon with her sword and how she kept screwing up. Reading in between the lines, I could see that she felt like a total failure and that she was the only one to make mistakes like this.

After hearing this I started a funny rant that went like this, “Congratulations! You are now a member of the ‘I missed Ganon with my sword’ club. Anyone who has ever played this game and made it this far is a member of that club. In fact, not only am I a member, but I’m the president of the club. If you give me a few minutes, I’ll even go and stamp your membership card.” Alice busted out laughing. My funny rant made her realize that she wasn’t uniquely a failure. It made her realize that EVERYONE has been in the same boat as her. Once she realized this, she wasn’t as frustrated. She defeated Ganon and saved Hyrule shortly after.

What does this have to do with anything? When you fail at something, do you ever feel like you are alone? Do you ever feel like you must suck or be a horrible person? I know I do. If you’ve ever failed, I’d like to take a moment to welcome you to the “I failed, which makes me human” club.Anyone who has ever lived is a member of this club. If you want, I can even stamp your membership card and give you a sticker 😉 All kidding aside, we are all miraculously flawed and beautiful humans. None of us are ever truly alone in our failures and mistakes. Somewhere there is a larger club with thousands, millions, and even billions of people who have been through something similar. You are never alone. Take solace and strength from that.

The challenge: How will you embrace your membership in the “I’m a messy human club”?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Learning to Listen to What You Need (7-10-24)

I hope you all enjoyed the 4^th of July holiday! The last entry was about expanding your comfort zone. This entry is about listening to what you need.

Cam came home after a particularly long rehearsal and was irritable. It had been a long week of rehearsals and other commitments. He was exhausted and grouchy. He comes home and says, “I’m grumpy. I just need to go flump.” In our house, flumping is like collapsing onto a softer cushiony service like a bed or a chair. Sometimes the flump also includes snuggling, reading, or just listening to music. In this instance, Cam flumped on his bed in his room and read his favorite book for 10-15 minutes. He then emerged from his room feeling so much better and was ready to face the world again. (Pic from Pawz Pet Café where you can go to snuggle some cats. #advancedflumping)

What does this have to do with anything? I love and am so impressed with how well Cameron can listen to what he needs in a moment and then act on that. He knew he was irritable and grumpy, and he knew that all he needed was 10-15 minutes to read to recharge his batteries. That’s wisdom and awareness that I don’t always have.

Meanwhile, here is how things play out for me. I don’t fully understand how upset I am at the moment and continue to keep pushing forward while a lot of time goes by. Eventually, I accidentally stumble into doing something along the way that is what I need whether that’s going on a walk, writing, reading a book, or something else. All of a sudden I feel a bit better, and then I say to myself, “Dang, I didn’t realize how much negative energy I was carrying. I wish I would have paused and did this thing sooner to deal with it.” Anyone else like that, or is it just me? I’m getting a bit better at listening to myself, but I’m not where I want to be yet.

The challenge: How can we do a better job of listening to ourselves and taking action?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Expanding Your Comfort Zone (6-26-24)

A person holding a staff

Description automatically generated Last week was about parenting and tailoring support. This week is about expanding your comfort zone.

About a year ago, Cameron watched his sister in The Wizard of Oz on the big stage in the spring play. This sparked Cam’s interest in doing something similar. The only problem was that he was nervous and scared to do something like that. This was outside of his comfort zone. Instead of giving up, Cam thought about things he could do to expand his current comfort zone, so being on the big stage wouldn’t be such a big leap. He started by signing up for a puppet camp last summer. Then he signed up and participated in a fall show with younger kids. He found he enjoyed those two things, and this gave him the confidence to be in a bigger show. A few weeks ago, he was on the big stage in Beauty and the Beast. He was in the ensemble, so mainly in the background as a villager and a dancing spoon. However, he ended up getting one line. He’s proud of being the angry mob member who yelled, “Kill him!” which started everyone to go after the Beast. Now that he’s had one line, he’s starting to think about auditioning for a bigger part next year. The audition is a little daunting, so he’s already thinking of smaller things he can do to stretch his comfort zone for that.

What does this have to do with anything? Cam saw how far out of his comfort zone being on stage was, and instead of giving up he became INTENTIONAL about taking small steps to expand his comfort zone. The first couple of shows gave him confidence. Then practicing for the big show set up him for success. By the time he was on the show, he was 100% feeling himself, and I loved his swagger 😉 Now think about your own life. Are there things you’d like to do outside of your comfort zone? Those things might seem too big and too scary now, but are there small steps you can take to move toward them?

The challenge: How will you expand your comfort zone?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting, Obstacle Course Races, and Tailoring Support (6-19-24)

Last week was about Alice’s wisdom, “Have a day you can be proud of.” This week is a story about parenting, obstacle course racing, and tailoring support. Shout out to Mud Run – Hollis Adams for putting on such a fabulous family friendly event.

On Saturday, Alice joined me for her first ever obstacle course race. To say that she was nervous would be a major understatement. I told her it was okay to be nervous, and that I’d be there beside her. I explained that I wasn’t going to swoop in and do the obstacles for her, but I would be there to help her if she needed it. Sometimes, helping her looked like me giving her advice on how to attempt an obstacle. Sometimes, support looked like me giving her a boost, so she could get her footing while climbing a muddy creek bank. Sometimes, support looked like me saying, “I know you’re scared because you’re on top of this tall wall. You can still do this. I’m here. Just swing your leg over.” Sometimes, support looked like me just cheering her on and high fiving her for conquering an obstacle. By the end of the race, we had achieved our goals, and Alice was so excited and proud of herself. I was super pumped too! (The picture on the right is out before picture. The after picture is at the bottom).

What does this have to do with anything? There were several times where Alice was nervous or flat out scared. It would have been EASY for me to do all the work for her, but that would have robbed her of a chance to grow and see what she was capable of. Instead of doing it for her, I helped and offered support. That support took different forms based on HER needs in that specific moment. Now think about work for a minute. The best leaders I ever had weren’t the ones who swooped in and saved me from a challenge. The best leaders I ever had were the ones who knew how to tailor their support to the situation. Sometimes, I needed explicit direction, because I was lost. Sometimes, I needed a thought partner to challenge my assumptions. Sometimes, I just needed someone to say, “I trust you. Go get’em!”

The challenge: How will you tailor the coaching and support you give to people?

Bonus lesson- I mentioned that Alice was nervous about the race. In particular, she was worried about what would happen if she wasn’t strong enough to handle an obstacle. She’s a planner and needed to know how things would work out. I needed her to trust that I was strong and able to help her in any situation. Here’s what I did. I came home after my 20 miles of racing, and said, “I did 20 miles of racing yesterday. I’m at my weakest and most tired point. I need you to know that even now, I’m strong enough to support you. I want you to know that I’ve helped boost and lift people who are my size, so you’ll be easy. We are going to practice, so you know how this will work.” From there, we practiced me giving her boosts and lifting her up. I even had her sit on my shoulders while I squatted her for reps. I walked around the house with her on my shoulders, so she knew I could carry her. I know this all sounds ridiculous, but those actions showed her that she could trust my strength. She realized that if I was able to do that when I was tired and weak, I’d be even better when I was rested up for our race. As a leader, I’m not asking you to pick up people and squat them for reps (I’m pretty sure HR would frown on that 😉). I am asking you to consider what you could do to inspire trust in the people you lead.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Parenting Lessons- “Have a day you can be proud of.” (6-12-24)

This week we will kick off a series about lessons I’ve learned being a parent. This entry contains some deep wisdom from Alice (12) about having a day you can be proud of.

A couple of months ago I was getting ready to leave for the office and I told the kids, “Have a good day!” Alice responded with, “Have a day you can be proud of.” I paused for a minute and said, “That’s different. Never heard that one before.” Alice then started dropping knowledge. She explained that a lot of things could happen that might make the day good or bad, but I could choose how to handle those things and how I handled them could make me proud of myself. Since then, “Have a day you can be proud of,” has become Alice’s parting phrase, and it’s stuck with me ever since.

What does this have to do with anything? At its core, Alice’s insight is that we can CHOOSE how to respond to things and that makes all the difference. The day might end up being good or the day might end up being bad. However, you have the POWER to ensure it’s a day you feel proud of. It might rain all day, and you can choose to dance in that rain instead of grumbling. You might get blindsided by challenges, and you can choose to lean into the situation instead of running away. You might get knocked down, and you can choose to get back up instead of surrendering. There is so much power in how you choose to respond.

The challenge: What will you do to ensure you have a day you can be proud of?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry