Parenting Mistakes and Taking Accountability (8-23-23)

Last week was about exploring and being curious. This week is about parenting mistakes and taking accountability.

Let me set the scene. I had been trying to fix the toilet. I was irritated, sweating, wet, and just straight up grumpy. I go from this to jumping into a parenting situation, and I get way too angry about something that doesn’t even really matter. I’m yelling at Cameron and saying things like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?! I ASKED YOU TO DO ONE LITTLE THING!!!! GO DO WHAT I TOLD YOU TO DO!!!” Cam just looks at me like a deer trapped in headlights. My wife comes in from the garage to see what the heck is going on. That’s when it hit me that I had totally lost my mind. I take a couple of deep breaths, go to Cameron and say, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you, and you didn’t deserve to be yelled at. This had nothing to do with you and everything to do with how frustrated I am with the stupid toilet right now. I’m sorry.” It took Cam a few minutes to get out of deer trapped in headlights mode, and then he was okay, and he knew we were cool. #notmybestparentingmoment

What does this have to do with anything? We aren’t going to get it right every time. We are human. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to lose our cool. We are going to say/do things we shouldn’t have done. When we make those mistakes, all we can do is recognize them, take accountability, apologize, and work to make things right. While losing my cool wasn’t my best parenting moment, I think modeling to Cam what accountability looks like and what apologizing looks like are important lessons.

Think about work for a moment. Think about the people who have made mistakes and refused to take accountability. How did that feel? How did that impact your relationship with them? Have you ever been that person? I know I have. On the flip side, have you worked with people who have taken accountability for their mistakes? How did that transform your relationship with them? There are few things more impressive to me than folks who are willing to own their mistakes. It’s one of the quickest ways to gain my trust.

The challenge: How will you take accountability for your mistakes?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Taking Things Apart, Exploring, and Being Curious (8-16-23)

Last week was about defaulting to compassion. This week is about taking things apart, exploring, and being curious.

This week kicked off our 4^th year of homeschool. On top of my wife teaching the kids at home, they also have a couple of co-op programs they attend. This semester my wife is teaching a class at the co-op that is all about taking things apart. On Monday she brought in a bunch of old printers that people had donated to her. She gave the class their own set of safety goggles and tools, a quick lesson about tools and safety, and then let them get to work dismantling the printers. The class LOVED this! They went right to work with their tools, carefully deconstructing the printers to gain a deeper understanding of how they worked. They loved having their curiosity guide them as they explored things they hadn’t seen before. At the end of the class, they asked my wife if they could keep some of the pieces from inside the printers to keep studying.

What does this have to do with anything? Have you ever been in a situation where you thought to yourself, “Why wasn’t that person more curious? If they would have just asked a few more questions they could have figured it out instead of jumping to a poor solution?” I know I’ve thought things like that. Have you ever been the person who didn’t take the time to explore? I’ve been that person too.

Our story this week is all about taking the time to be curious and explore something. I’m assuming that many of us were like those kids when we were younger. Maybe we loved taking things apart with our hands. Maybe we loved asking zillions of questions to understand how EVERYTHING works. As we get older, it’s easy to lose that curiosity. It’s easy to get so caught up that we lose the willingness to explore things. As a result, we miss out on the chance to think critically about how things work and we miss out on opportunities to make things better. Just think about how much better work and life would be if we all spent a few extra moments from time-to-time deconstructing and exploring things, whether they are policies, machines, relationships, or our own feelings.

The challenge: How will you make the time to explore and be curious?

#mywifeisprettyamazing

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Defaulting to Compassion (8-9-23)

Last week was about being curious vs judgmental in tough conversations. This week is about not knowing what to do and defaulting to compassion.

The other week I was trying my best to deal with a particularly challenging parenting situation. By the end of the day, I was exhausted and exasperated. I talked to my wife and said, “I’m just lost right now. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how to support and help our kids. There’s no playbook for this. I think we might need to talk to the therapist about this to get some ideas.” My wife responded with something along the lines of, “Yeah, this is really tough and been hard for some time. Maybe the therapist will have some ideas. There’s not exactly a play to follow with specific moves to make. However, there are general guidelines and the first is to always try to act with compassion in the situation. As long as we can keep doing that, we can figure everything else out.”

What does this have to do with anything? I don’t know about you, but sometimes I find myself in situations where I’m not exactly sure how to lead. I’m not exactly sure how to navigate the conversation. I’m not exactly sure what to do. When this happens, it’s easy to freeze, because there is no clear path forward. However, like my wife said, while there may not always be a clear step by step guide to follow, I can always act with compassion. I can always ensure that my next move is to step CLOSER to someone vs create distance. I can always put forth the effort to try to understand and show empathy. We may not always know the best path to take, and acting with compassion will NEVER be a bad choice.

The challenge: How are you acting with compassion in messy and challenging situations?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Tough Conversations and Being Curious vs Judgmental (8-2-23)

Last week was about transforming experiences with a little effort. This week is about tough conversations and being curious vs judgmental.

A few weeks ago, my dad told me that he wanted to talk to me about parenting and my kids. Right now, I’m assuming that a fair amount of you reading this are cringing, because you can see how quickly this can go poorly. Parenting easily can feel extremely personal. I’ve been in those situations where the conversation is just a sneaky way for the person to judge you and tell you everything you’re doing is wrong without understanding your situation. Have you? Those chats don’t particularly feel good. The conversation with my dad wasn’t anything like that. It was a great chat, because the moment we sat down he made it clear that he wanted to understand things from my perspective.

He starts by admitting that he can only see one part of what is going and that he doesn’t have the full story. He also acknowledges that the rules have changed a lot from when he and my mom raised my brother and me. This sets the stage that this is a conversation to learn and not judge. From there we dive in. He shares an observation he has and how he is connecting the dots based on his experience. I respond by saying that I also have seen what he has observed, and I can see how he connects the dots the way he does. Then, I offer some additional context he doesn’t see every day and how that’s shaping the parenting decisions we are making. We keep repeating this pattern as we dive deep. We talk about parenting in a completely different world and entirely different challenges he and my mom didn’t have to encounter. We talk about mental health and navigating how to parent and lead in a family with neurodivergence. I talk about how we are thankful to have therapists to help us navigate situations that I’m not equipped to lead through. We talk about my family’s decision to homeschool, and how we are constantly balancing mental, physical, emotional, and social health with that decision. We talk about the fine balance between showing support and raising resilient kids, especially in a world that may not accept them. I share how I feel I’m over my head sometimes, because there isn’t an obvious playbook to navigate all these situations and sometimes it’s just about making the best trade-offs with the information we have. Throughout all of this, my dad asks follow-up questions to better understand and shares how he had never considered some of the angles before. By the end of everything, I can’t say that my dad fully understands or fully agrees with all my decisions. It would be hard to fully understand without being in the same situation. At the same time, I can say that he has a deeper understanding and that he is not passing judgment. I left the conversation feeling so good that we had it, and blessed I have a dad I can talk about these things with.

What does this have to do with anything? Think about work and life for a minute. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were going to have a conversation to share ideas, when the other person just wanted to pass judgement? Have you ever been that person who passed judgment instead of seeking to understand? I know I’ve been that person. We like to think that we are open minded and non-judgmental, but how true is that? How open are we to learning and considering something different from what we believe? In our story this week, there are so many ways that conversation could have went poorly and ultimately caused harm to our relationship, but it didn’t because my dad approached things from a place of genuine curiosity.

The challenge: Are you TRULY seeking to understand? How open are you to learning and growing?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Transforming Experiences with a Little Extra Effort (7-26-23)

Last week was about creating spaces where people can be real. This week is about transforming experiences with a little extra effort.

We stayed home during the week of July 4^th. We did a few small things like rode our bikes, played miniature golf, shot water guns, and did some crafts. It wasn’t anything too cool, but if you talk to my kids they light up and get excited like it was the best week ever. Here’s why. We all love the most recent Legend of Zelda video game, so I thought I could make things a little more special if I put in a little effort to make July 4^th a Zelda inspired week. Instead of just doing activities, I connected those activities to events that happen in the game. For example, we had to explore the land to find Zora’s Domain (bike riding). We had to save a town from pirates (miniature golf at a pirate themed place). We tried the Goron minecart shooting game (water gun fights). We built signs to show President Hudson we support him (structures made of spaghetti, pipe cleaners, and marshmallows). I hid bananas on our front porch and said they were left from the Yiga clan. Now, some of those things may not have meant much to you, which is totally okay. My kids got all the references and enjoyed how they tied the activities we did to a game we all love.

What does this have to do with anything? Every single day we create experiences for people around us. We might create experiences for customers who use the products we support. We might create experiences for teammates and co-workers. How would you describe the experiences you create for others? Are they positive? Are they neutral? Are they negative? Are they meaningful? In the grand scheme of things, the activities I did with my kids (bike riding, miniature golf, crafts) weren’t that unique or impressive. However, the moment I put in a little extra effort to connect those activities to a something my kids cared about, the experience transformed into something more special. By being a little more intentional and putting in a little more effort we can create experiences that truly resonate with others.

The challenge: How are you enhancing the experiences you create for people?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Creating Space to Be Real (7-19-23)

Last week was about listening to fear AND the Brave voice. This week is about creating spaces where people can be real.

We go to my parents’ house every year for the 4^th of July. We grill out, my mom makes enough food to feed a small army, and then we hang out enjoying yard games, playing Uno, telling stories, and watching fireworks. I can’t remember what got us started, but my mom shared a story about a stupid mistake she had made recently. As she shared it, she laughed at herself and her mistake. We all started laughing along with her. From there, everyone else starts jumping in and sharing mistake stories too. We begin calling ourselves out and each other. We give each other a hard time out of love for the dumb things we’ve done. It’s a great vibe. The energy opens the floodgates for my kids to be their silly selves, and once they got going everyone was rolling on the floor laughing. Later that night as were driving home, Alice (11) said, “I like that at grandma and grandpa’s house that we can all laugh at ourselves. I like that we can be a little crazy. It feels good.” As her dad, I was so glad to hear this, because all I want for my kids is for them to be able to be who they are.

What does this have to do with anything? Alice may not be aware of the concepts of vulnerability, authenticity, or psychological safety, BUT she knows how those things feel. She knows that her grandparents love her unconditionally, and that she can be herself there. She knows she can make mistakes and talk about them, and people won’t judge her or think less of her. She also knows that not all places are like this. She knows that not all places feel like that. There is something special at grandma and grandpa’s house, and it starts with them being comfortable laughing at themselves and talking about their mistakes. It starts with them taking actions to set the stage to create a welcoming environment.

Think about work for a minute. Have you ever been on a team where you could really lean in and be yourself? Have you been on teams where you couldn’t? How different did the two teams feel? What did people do to make you feel like you could be yourself? The challenge: What are you doing to create spaces where people can be vulnerable and be themselves? (Here is my elbow nudge- If you can’t instantly think of the things you’re doing to create these spaces, that’s likely a sign that this is an area where you can improve)

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Fear and the Brave Voice (7-12-23)

This week I’m going to kick off a series about lessons I’ve learned from being a dad. This entry is about fear and the Brave voice.

Lately, Cam and I have had a lot of conversations about fear. He talked about how the voice of fear was always too loud, and he couldn’t get it to shut up. One night I explained it to him like this. “The problem isn’t that fear is too loud. The problem is that it’s not being balanced by the Brave voice. Fear is doing its job. Fear’s job is to look out for you. It’s just that fear talks A LOT. The Brave voice says, ‘I hear you fear. Thanks for the input. You make some good points. I’m safe AND I got this!”

This all comes into play during a recent trip to Hoosier Heights, an indoor climbing facility. Cam starts climbing but won’t go up very high because of his fear of heights. We talk about the fear and how the Brave voice tells fear, “I hear you AND I got this.” Cam slowly starts working to face this fear. He climbs a little higher on his own. I climb beside Cam and together we go a bit higher. Each time he does a bit better and better. He continues to build confidence and realize that he’s safe AND he has everything he needs to be successful. Eventually, he makes it to the top of the wall for the very first time! He was so excited and proud!

What does this have to do with anything? If you’re anything like me, you get scared sometimes. Maybe you’re afraid of heights. Maybe you’re afraid of public speaking. Maybe you’re afraid of everyone finding out you’re an impostor. When I was younger, I would try my best to just ignore the fear voice, but that never worked. I would hope that the fear would go away, but that never worked either. The fear is always there somewhere. I’ve learned that I need to listen to fear. I need to give it a chance to say what it needs to say, because it is just trying to look out for me. Then, I need to thank the fear for doing its job, ask the Brave voice to weigh in, and then let fear know I got this.

The challenge: Will you listen to fear as it does its job? Will you make sure your Brave voice is talking too?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Marriage, Context, and Interpretation (6-28-23)

Our last entry was about marriage and showing support. This week is about marriage, context, and interpretation.

If I told you that you could stop by any time, what would that mean to you? Is it a nice thing to say? Is it telling you that you can stop by, but only if you call first? Is it an open invitation? Earlier when Diane and I were dating, I found out that “stop by any time” could mean different things based on how you grew up. The short version is that Diane had once told my dad he could stop by any time. Months later, he dropped by her college apartment without giving her any heads up he was coming. He called her from the parking lot, asked if she was home, and then said he had brought groceries for her and her roommates. Luckily, she was home at the time. After doing a 2-minute frantic clean, she invited my dad to hang out for a bit. (Pic of my parents at our wedding. Yes, I’m a clone of my dad.)

Diane called me later to ask why my dad would do something so weird. I asked her to explain why this was so weird for her and she told me that growing up, she would have NEVER randomly dropped in on anyone and her family would have hated it if anyone did that to them. I now understood the disconnect, so I shared how we were the hang out house growing up and if we told people to stop by any time that meant they were invited to stop by ANY time. We always had people coming and going without any hint they’d be over, and it wasn’t a big deal. When Diane told my dad he could drop by any time, he had just taken her up on that offer like my friends had growing up. Sharing this context helped each other know where they were coming from, so we could figure out how to be on the same page moving forward.

What does this have to do with anything? Think about work for a minute. How often have you thought you were on the same page and then the other person was in a totally different book? In these situations, it’s not always that the other person was wrong. It’s that they were able to draw different conclusions based on their context and surroundings. At those junctures, it’s important to slow down the conversation to figure out why there is a disconnect and figure out how to move forward.

The challenge: How are you being intentional about understanding where people are coming from and finding ways to move forward together?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Marriage and Support (6-14-23)

Last week was about marriage and the idea of equal contribution. This week is about marriage and showing support. By the way, today is our 15-year wedding anniversary!

One of the things I am most thankful for in my relationship with my wife is how we have supported each other through the years. This support can take different forms, based on what we NEED at the time. Sometimes, support is listening to each other vent, even though we’ve told the same frustrating story a zillion times. Sometimes, showing support is offering help. Sometimes, showing support is backing decisions that were made.. Sometimes, showing support is saying, “You’ve had a rough few days. I’ll handle the kids and the house. Get out of here and do whatever will bring you joy and energy.” Sometimes, support is saying, “I love you. In this instance, you’re wrong. We need to talk about it.” Sometimes, support is saying, “You are being too damn hard on yourself.” Having someone who is always there for me has made a world of difference when facing life’s challenges.

What does this have to do with anything? Life is hard. Having someone there to support you is huge. With that said, supporting each other shouldn’t just be limited to marriage and significant others. We can and should support friends, family, and work colleagues. Similar to the example with my wife, this support can take on many forms based on someone’s needs. Sometimes, support is showing up. Sometimes, support is helping remove obstacles and barriers. Sometimes, support is being and ally and friend. Sometimes, support is advocating for someone. Sometimes, support is giving tough feedback.

The challenge: How are you supporting people in your life?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Marriage and Equal Effort (6-7-23)

Last week was about marriage and small acts of recognition. This week is about marriage and the concept of equal effort. When I was first married, I think I wanted to make sure things were always equal. For example, I’d handle the dishes one time, and she’d handle them the next time. When taken too far, this created resentment. Have you ever said to yourself, “I’m doing all the work around here. They are a lazy punk!”? Maybe that’s just me 😉

Over time, I realized that our relationship would never be 100% equal for a few different reasons. First, we have different skillsets, and we should make the most of those skillsets. Second, we have different interests or aversions to different household tasks. For example, my wife enjoys cooking and I don’t particularly like it. My wife HATES cleaning bathrooms with the fire of a thousand suns, and while it’s not my favorite thing to do, it doesn’t trigger intense loathing for me. The third reason is that on any given day/week/month we might have more or less capacity to handle things. If we need 100 units of effort to run our house, sometimes we both have plenty of energy and can split that 50/50. Sometimes, one of us might need to recharge, so they can only put forward 20 and the other person picks up the 80. Sometimes, we are both worn down, and we agree that there is no way we can get to 100. At that point, we just agree that we need to hunker down, lower our expectations to just making it through the night without killing everyone, and probably put on a movie for the night. Anyone else been here? At the end of the day, as long as we are both contributing to our greater whole, we are doing the right things.

What does this have to do with anything? This has some parallels with other relationships we have whether it’s family, friends, or work colleagues. It’s easy to get fixated on the idea of equal effort meaning that everyone needs to contribute the exact same amount. Instead, contribution doesn’t always have to be exactly equal, as long as we find a way to ensure the contributions add up to the greater whole. We can think about contribution from the other lenses we explored including skillsets, what people enjoy/dislike, and individual capacity. Where does it make sense to have them lean more heavily into their strengths? Where does it make sense to have them lean into their passions? How do we adjust things based on an individual’s capacity (work, emotional, physical, and mental)?

The challenge: How will you think differently about relationships and equal effort?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry