Open Letter to 2023 (12-6-23)

Happy Wednesday,

The year is coming to a close. I’ve enjoyed sitting near my Christmas tree and letting my mind wander for a bit. Here is my open letter to 2023, and the lessons it gave me.

Dear 2023,

How are you doing? By the end of 2022, I felt like I was crawling over the finish line just trying to make it. 2023, you were different. You were a much-needed breath of fresh air. You were good luck, new chances, and exciting achievements. As we end our dance together, I’m thankful for the wind you put in my sails, and I feel ready for the next adventure.

My mantra this year was “protect my peace”. I’m so proud of myself, because I did that better this year than I have in years past, and because of this I was a better version of myself in all aspects of life.
I’m in this interesting moment where I can see my kids for who they are and catch glimpses of who they might grow up to be. I’m so proud of them for embracing who they are. I have no idea what they will do when they grow up, but if they continue down this path, I know they will be good humans. What could matter more than that?
It’s amazing to see the power of being around people who get you. Part of the reason why my kids are flourishing is because they are finally starting to find their people. People who accept them and embrace them for all of their nerdiness and who they are. I’ve cried happy tears a few times just thinking about this.
Not only am I in love with my wife, I’m in awe of her. I’ve watched her growth so much this year and she inspires me to be a better husband, dad, friend, and human.
Whenever I felt lost, it was because I had fallen out of the rhythm. I just had to remind myself that all I needed to do was start dancing again and the rhythm would come find me. That may not make sense to anyone else, but it’s clear in my mind.
Building the foundation and infrastructure in any situation is hard work, AND worthwhile work. A house is only as strong as its foundation.
Sometimes strength is being able to do something to solve the problem. Sometimes strength is sitting there with someone, beside them, sifting through their pain and emotions with them, and knowing the most compassionate thing you can do is listen and not flex your muscles.
I performed what might be my favorite poem I’ve ever done at work- Fitting In, Belonging, and Glass Slippers. I look at that guy on stage performing, and while I don’t always feel he and I are the same, I hope that the people around me see glimmers of him on a regular basis. (And I know how weird this sounds. That guy on stage might as well be a different person, and is always the best of me.)
My goal at the beginning of the year was to finish a marathon length obstacle course race. I knew it would be a major stretch, and I did it. (Technically, the course designer messed up and made it 29 miles instead of 26.2, but who is counting besides my body that day 😉) It was exhausting and a great reminder that there is a lot of grit inside I can tap into. In 2023, I survived the races. In 2024, I hope to continue racing and celebrating what my body can do.
I was fortunate enough to earn a promotion this year. It’s not the promotion so much as it’s feeling seen. It’s feeling like all the hard work, all the grinding, all the times I found a way to make something out of nothing, all the setbacks, were seen and valued. I realize that when I don’t feel seen I tell myself stories, and none of them are ever positive.
Speaking of getting a new job, the work and the opportunity fill my cup so much. So much of the role is aligned to what sparks joy in me.
The new job also humbled me a lot. I’ve never been in a situation where there was so much I didn’t know or understand. I continually had to remind myself it was okay to not always know and that it was okay to be open about not knowing. If I had a dime for every time I’ve said, “I’m not exactly sure how the tech works, but we need it to do X”, “I don’t think I’m following, can you explain that again?”, or “I’ve never done this before, so I need you to walk me through it.” I could probably retire. Seeing the warm faces and looks of understanding from the folks on the other end of those phrases makes my heart smile.
Whoa! That was a lot in 2023! Thank you. I’m closing this year feeling energized and hopeful for more brightness and exciting adventures in 2024.

The challenge: If you haven’t taken the time, take a few moments to reflect on 2023 and the lessons and emotions it gave you this year. How will these shape you moving forward?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Feedback and Discomfort (11-29-23)

This will be the last in our series on feedback. This week we will reflect on feedback and discomfort.

The other night Cam made a poor choice, and his behavior didn’t meet our minimum expectations. I had a calm conversation with him about it. I explained that his behavior wasn’t where it should be. Ultimately, he lost privileges. There was no yelling or harsh words involved. Still, Cam didn’t like being told he did something wrong. Having to admit that he fell short made him feel discomfort. After our talk he told Alice all about it and Alice came and told me I made Cam feel bad. I explained to Alice that I didn’t want to make Cam feel bad. At the same time, me making Cam feel good by only telling him positive things and ignoring his behavior when he doesn’t meet our standards is not good for him or fair to the family. Ignoring his behavior sets a precedent that it was acceptable when it wasn’t. I was okay with him feeling discomfort. I didn’t tell him he was a bad person. I held him accountable, talked to him about the negative impact of his choices and behavior, and asked him to own up to his mistake so he can grow. I wasn’t surprised that he felt upset with the conversation. Owning up to your shortcomings isn’t a pleasant process.

What does this have to do with anything? Sometimes we value comfort so much that we assume discomfort is bad, and that’s not true. Furthermore, when it comes to feedback, if it causes you to feel discomfort then it’s easy to decide that the feedback is bad and the person giving it is bad. Have you ever received feedback that struck a nerve, and your first instinct was, “Forget them! They don’t know me! They don’t know my work!” I’m not particularly proud of it, but I’ve done that before.

Truth be told, most of my best growth has come from feedback that was initially uncomfortable. Being told that the work I did on a project wasn’t good caused discomfort. Not getting roles I posted for and being told I wasn’t as qualified as other candidates caused discomfort. Being told I wasn’t bringing enough value in a situation caused discomfort. Being told I messed up a parenting situation caused discomfort. All of this also led to growth. I’d rather have moments of discomfort that led to growth, than people telling me everything is great when it’s not. The latter will keep me from growing.

The challenge: How will you handle it when feedback makes you feel discomfort?

Bonus thought: If the feedback hijacks you, it’s okay to ask for time to process it. Asking for time and space is ALWAYS okay, and I’ve done that on more of a few occasions. I say something like, “I need time to process, because right now my wheels are turning, and I can’t really have a productive conversation.”

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

“Small” Things to Be Thankful For (11-21-23)

A group of drawings of turkeys

Description automatically generated This is a last-minute bonus blog. I was listening to the Inside Job podcast as I drove in this morning, and it talked about how when we share what we are thankful for this time around that most people share something similar like, “I’m thankful for my family, my health, my friends, etc.” These are all great things to be thankful for. The podcast talked about digging a little deeper to recognize other things you’re thankful for that don’t immediately pop into your mind. Often, these can be the “small” things that make life extra special.

Here is a quick list that pops into mind for me. I am thankful for

Coloring and doing art projects. I recently colored turkeys with my family, and it brought me an unexpected amount of joy.
Perfectly melted cheese on food, whether it’s a burger, sandwich, or omelette. There’s something magical about how cheese gives the food a warm cozy hug and holds it all together.
I don’t get these very often, but moments of quiet and stillness that enable you to feel the presence of something larger than yourself.
Seeing fog sweep over a field. It just looks magical. Bonus points if there is also a sunrise happening.
Trash talk and fantasy football.
That moment when YOUR song starts playing and instantly you are transported to a better place.
That moment when someone you care about achieves something and your heart wants to burst from cheering them on.
A good hug. I’m convinced if we had enough good hugs we could change the world.

The challenge: What are some “small” things you’re thankful for?

Have a jolly good Thanksgiving,

Andrew Embry

Putting Feedback into Perspective and Responding (11-15-23)

Last week was about learning to catch a baseball and feedback. This week we will dive deeper into catching feedback by reflecting on putting feedback into perspective and responding.

The other day I spoke with someone early in their career who had received some tough feedback. I could see how they were extrapolating this one miss to mean so much more than that. As I saw them spiraling a bit, I tried to offer them some perspective. I explained that having a miss is a right of passage for all marketers. I talked about how if you aren’t having these moments from time to time, it means you’re not challenging yourself. I told him the story of how in my first internal role I was about 3 in when my boss told me I wouldn’t meet expectations if I continued down my current path, because my project management skills were horrible. I shared how when this happened, I felt like crap for a couple of days, and doubted everything about myself. Then, I dusted myself off, got to work to figure things out, and started improving. I reassured him that while I may have felt at the time that this was a huge failure that would follow me forever, it didn’t. No one ever talks about that miss or story. It’s never been held against me, and I’ve went on to have what I consider to be a great career so far. At the end of the day, receiving the feedback is only half the story. The most important part of the story is how he’ll respond to this. He can either let it kick his butt, or he can get up and get at it.

You probably see where this is going. At some point in time, we’ve all received tough feedback. When this happens, it’s easy to blow the feedback way out of proportion. It’s easy to take feedback about one action or one miss and come to the conclusion that you’re a horrible failure of a person (or maybe I’m the only one who has ever thought that). If you ever feel yourself sliding in this direction, I hope you pause for a moment to find some perspective. EVERYONE gets their butt kicked sometimes and fails. The feedback you receive is about missing on 1 project or 1 task and does NOT mean anything more than that. It means you messed up on THAT THING. It means you are human. Welcome to the club 😉 It’s a beautiful messy place to be. While tough feedback hurts, what matters most is how you respond.

The challenge: How will you keep feedback in perspective? How will you respond?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Learning to Catch Baseballs and Feedback (11-8-23)

(Freshman year baseball picture)

See the source image Last week was about feedback and relativity. This week is about learning how to catch a baseball and feedback.

Growing up, my dad is the one who taught me how to throw and catch a baseball. Obviously, being able to throw the ball is important, but we spent a lot of time working on catching the ball too. In a perfect world, the throws would always come to your chest and right into your glove, but that rarely happens. As a result, I had to learn how to move my mitt and adjust my body to make the catch. The idea was that if it was in my general vicinity I should catch the ball, even if it was high, low, or off to the side. All the practice catching allowed me to make these adjustments and catch throws that were imperfect.

What does this have to do with anything? When it comes to feedback, we put a lot of emphasis on the person GIVING feedback, and there isn’t as much focus on RECEIVING feedback. In our analogy, this would be like learning how to throw, but never really learning how to catch. Even if you know how to throw, your throws won’t always be perfect, and if the person on the receiving end doesn’t know how to catch, the ball will either hit them and hurt them OR they will miss it entirely. In a similar way, just because the feedback is not delivered perfectly, doesn’t mean it’s bad/incorrect feedback.

Think about the past few times you received feedback. How well did you receive it? Were you open? Did you close yourself off and become defensive? Did you explore to understand? Did you immediately discount it? Did you take the time to understand the impact of your actions? Receiving feedback consists of being humble enough to admit you aren’t perfect, listening with an open mind, staying objective about yourself, asking clarifying questions, and understanding the impact of the behavior you’re receiving feedback on. None of these things are easy. I’ve messed all of them up and will continue to do so. However, getting better at these things throughout my career has helped me have better conversations that have led to growth.

The challenge: How are you getting better at RECEIVING feedback?

Bonus: Recently, I read Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well: Stone, Douglas, Heen, Sheila: 9780670014668: Amazon.com: Books. It’s entirely dedicated to RECEIVING feedback. It was interesting and included a few angles I haven’t thought much about in the past.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Chocolate, Feedback, and Relativity (11-1-23)

Last week was about asking for specific feedback. With Halloween in mind, this week is about chocolate, feedback, and relativity.

If I asked if you thought Hershey chocolate is good, what would you say? I’d assume you’d say it is good, if you like chocolate 😉 What if I asked you to rate a Hershey kiss vs. Dove chocolate? Would that change anything? What if I made you compare Hershey vs. Dove vs. Lindt vs. Godiva vs. Ghiradelli vs. Belgian chocolate? I’m assuming that once you started to compare Hershey against other brands it might shape how good Hershey really is. This also depends on the criteria we are using. If I asked you to choose a favorite based on taste alone, you might choose one kind of chocolate. If I asked you to choose a cost-effective chocolate to make a lot of smores, you might choose something else.

You might be wondering what the connection is to feedback. The above story illustrates how feedback is relative. Is Hershey chocolate good? Well, it depends. Having Hershey chocolate is better than having no chocolate 😉 As you compare across different kinds and brands of chocolate, Hershey might rise or fall. Your feedback on the quality of Hershey is relative to the criteria you are using and what you are comparing it too. In a similar way, most people are “good”. Most people do work that is “good”. However, none of this happens in a vacuum. Everything is relative to what is going on around it.

It’s not enough just to tell someone they are good or to think you’re good. As we give and receive feedback, we need to understand who or what it is relative to. Understanding this is what highlights our room for growth. For example, you might be good for someone new to your role (which is something to celebrate), but you might be near the bottom compared to more experienced people at that level (which gives you room to grow). You might be great talent at your current level (which is awesome) but compared to people competing for a promotion you are in the middle of the pack (which identifies gaps for you to work on). You might have been good early in your role (which is something to be proud of), but now the bar is higher (so you need to assess how you stack up to that new bar). You might be great in X skill, but Y is the skill that is valued (and you have to decide if you want to develop Y skill or not).

The challenge: As you give and receive feedback, who or what is that relative to?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Being Specific When Asking for Feedback (10-25-23)

Last week was about cleaning rooms, setting clear expectations, and giving feedback. This week is about asking for specific feedback in situations.

Here is a short poem.

The mysterious

one-eyed Jack gazes both at the

past and the future

If I asked you to give me feedback on the poem, what would you say? I’d imagine that right now you’re not exactly sure where to begin or what feedback would be helpful. What if I told you that I was trying to ensure the poem followed the haiku format (5, 7, and then 5 syllables)? I’m sure you could assess whether or not I did that. What if I told you that the poem was supposed to give off a mystical vibe? I’m sure you’d be able to talk through what feelings the poem made you feel, and then we could discuss how close those were to what I was aiming for. What if I told you my goal was to write a poem about regret and anxiety? Could you assess if it communicated that idea?

What does this have to do with anything? Have you ever asked for feedback at work? How clear were you about what you were looking for? This lack of clarity could often lead to you getting feedback that isn’t helpful and/or isn’t what you’re actually trying to understand. In the poem example, I initially asked for broad feedback. I’m assuming your broad feedback wouldn’t have been all that helpful. Then, I started asking more intentional questions to gather more specific feedback. Once I did that, you could provide direction that could be used.

When I think about work, I try to never ask for general feedback. Instead, I try to have specific questions. “I was trying to achieve X. Is that the right thing to achieve? How well did I achieve X?” or “I’m trying to develop X skills. On a scale from 1 to 5 I believe I’m a 3.5 for A, B, C reasons. Is this the right skill to develop? Do you agree with my assessment of where I am? Why or why not?” or “I’m just looking for a good idea, so I can develop it further. What has promise for you and why?” I’ve found over time these specific questions lead to more useful direction.

The challenge: As a receiver of feedback, can you ask the specific questions about what you want to know? As a giver of feedback, how do you narrow down the scope of the feedback to ensure it is useful?

1000 bonus points if you counted the syllables in the poem. I did 5, 8, 5 when it was supposed to be 5, 7, 5. 😉

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Cleaning Rooms, Clear Expectations, and Feedback (10-18-23)

Last week was about calling people up vs out. This week we will look at cleaning rooms, clear expectations, and feedback.

Thursday is “Clean your room” day at the house. When we first initiated this, the kids had a very different idea of what clean was vs my wife and I (#shocker). Rather than get angry, my wife and I realized we needed to articulate the goal in a clearer and more explicit way. “Clean your room” day means picking up all the trash, taking it out, picking up all the things that are laying about so I can run a vacuum without sucking up your stuff, putting everything in its home, putting up your clean laundry, and ensuring everything is tidy. Those are the expectations. After outlining all of this, we also had to be more hands on initially to model and show them what this meant. Then, we would have them clean their room on their own, and after we inspected the work, we would give them feedback on what they did well and where they needed to improve based on the expectations we set. Today, they know what the standard is and the deliver on that, most of the time 😉

You might be wondering what this has to do with work. Throughout my work experiences, I’ve noticed that one of the biggest issues with feedback is a lack of clear expectations. Similar to my kids and cleaning their rooms, we can’t ASSUME that people will automatically know what the expectation is or how to execute it. Everyone is coming to work with their own experiences and views on things, which likely means that everyone will have a different view of what the minimum expectations are for any given situation. With this in mind, we have to be intentional about establishing clear expectations and we have to be willing to model and coach to those expectations until we are all where we need to be. This might include needing to be even more explicit than we think is necessary in order to deliver the feedback message.

The challenges

As a leader, are you clear about the minimum expectations for a role, project, and/or situation? Are you providing feedback when people aren’t meeting those expectations?
As an individual contributor, do you know what the minimum expectations are from your supervisor AND teammates? Do you know whether or not you’re meeting those expectations?

Bonus thought- It’s important to understand that expectations evolve over time. When my kids were much younger my expectations for them cleaning up after themselves was much lower. Now the context has changed, and my expectations are higher. In a similar way, our world is continuing to evolve and what might have been acceptable performance a few years ago, might not even come close to meeting the new bar. We must be willing to have those conversations with people to reset where the minimum expectation is, so they are able to know what they are shooting for.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Feedback and Calling Someone Up vs Out (10-11-23)

This week I’d like to start a series focused on giving and receiving feedback. This entry is inspired by Shellie Miller and recent comments she’s made about calling someone up vs. calling them out.

On my current team, we are in the process of resetting the bar, defining our mission, and reshaping our culture. One of the tenants of this new culture is Care+Accountability. It’s this idea that because we care about our mission and because we care about each other we will expect the best from and try to bring out the best in each other. Part of this will include sharing feedback when we miss, and we’re all going to miss sooner or later. As we’ve been having some of these conversations, Shellie Miller shared a quote along the lines of, “When you give feedback. You aren’t calling someone OUT. You’re calling them UP. You’re bringing them IN to help them see what they are capable and how they can be the best version of themselves and help us reach our goals.”

What does this have to do with anything? I’ve been reflecting on what Shellie said, because it is vital to creating high performing teams. Take a second and think of the best teams you’ve ever been on. What were they like? Two teams immediately come to mind for me. These teams were comprised of very different sets of people and existed in different parts of the organization. While they were each unique, both teams had a few things in common. First, everyone on both teams were obsessed with a mission greater than themselves. Second, everyone on both teams was willing to set a high bar for themselves and each other to help us accomplish this mission. Third, we openly and regularly gave feedback to everyone, regardless of their title or position, to help them get better. On both teams, feedback was merely a tool to make us sharper to help us achieve our mission. When I received feedback on my mistakes, I didn’t feel called out. I felt called to be better. I understood that the only way we could achieve our mission is if we were all at our best, and feedback conversations were someone who cared enough about me to demand the best from me. I grew more on those teams than I did in other roles. Calling people UP vs calling them OUT made ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

The challenge: How will you create a culture of calling people UP vs out?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Omelets, Being New, and Adding Flavor to Culture (10-4-23)

This will be the last in the series of lessons I’ve learned from being new to a role. This week we will reflect on omelets, being new, and adding your flavor to the culture.

I eat an omelet for breakfast almost every morning. It always starts with 2 large brown eggs, and then from there I’ll mix and match different ingredients. Each ingredient I add brings a new element to the omelet, changing its flavor profile. Sometimes, I’ll want something with a bit of a kick, so I’ll use ghost pepper cheese and restaurant style salsa. Sometimes, I’ll want a big hearty omelet with American cheese and sausage mixed inside. Sometimes, I’ll want something smooth like white cheddar and turkey with a little dash of something extra in the form of sweet onion salsa.

What does this have to do with being new? In the analogy above, I talk about how the omelet always starts with two large brown eggs. I don’t keep adding eggs to the omelet, because if I did all I would have is more eggs. Instead, I want a unique flavor, so I bring in different ingredients with each of them making their own special addition to the omelet. It’s the combination of the ingredients that transforms the eggs into the omelet. In a way, the eggs represent the base culture of a team that you’re joining. That would make us the ingredients that can bring unique flavors. Even if you feel you can’t start delivering “traditional value” right when you are first starting out, you can bring energy to your team. Some people bring a jolting boost of fun, adding laughs to the team. Some people bring a crisp focus, enabling the team to prioritize what matters. Some people bring grit, helping the team fight through tough times. We all have something that is uniquely us. If you’re new to a team (or even if you’ve been there awhile) you always have the ability to share that with the team. You always have the opportunity to bring a little bit of your own flavor to enhance the culture around you.

The challenge: What flavor will you ADD to your team?

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry