Tag: receive feedback

Feedback and Discomfort (11-29-23)

This will be the last in our series on feedback.  This week we will reflect on feedback and discomfort. 

The other night Cam made a poor choice, and his behavior didn’t meet our minimum expectations.  I had a calm conversation with him about it.  I explained that his behavior wasn’t where it should be.  Ultimately, he lost privileges.  There was no yelling or harsh words involved.  Still, Cam didn’t like being told he did something wrong.  Having to admit that he fell short made him feel discomfort.  After our talk he told Alice all about it and Alice came and told me I made Cam feel bad.  I explained to Alice that I didn’t want to make Cam feel bad.  At the same time, me making Cam feel good by only telling him positive things and ignoring his behavior when he doesn’t meet our standards is not good for him or fair to the family. Ignoring his behavior sets a precedent that it was acceptable when it wasn’t.  I was okay with him feeling discomfort.  I didn’t tell him he was a bad person.  I held him accountable, talked to him about the negative impact of his choices and behavior, and asked him to own up to his mistake so he can grow.  I wasn’t surprised that he felt upset with the conversation.  Owning up to your shortcomings isn’t a pleasant process. 

What does this have to do with anything?  Sometimes we value comfort so much that we assume discomfort is bad, and that’s not true.  Furthermore, when it comes to feedback, if it causes you to feel discomfort then it’s easy to decide that the feedback is bad and the person giving it is bad.  Have you ever received feedback that struck a nerve, and your first instinct was, “Forget them!  They don’t know me!  They don’t know my work!”  I’m not particularly proud of it, but I’ve done that before.

Truth be told, most of my best growth has come from feedback that was initially uncomfortable.  Being told that the work I did on a project wasn’t good caused discomfort.  Not getting roles I posted for and being told I wasn’t as qualified as other candidates caused discomfort.  Being told I wasn’t bringing enough value in a situation caused discomfort.  Being told I messed up a parenting situation caused discomfort.  All of this also led to growth.  I’d rather have moments of discomfort that led to growth, than people telling me everything is great when it’s not.  The latter will keep me from growing.

The challenge: How will you handle it when feedback makes you feel discomfort?

Bonus thought: If the feedback hijacks you, it’s okay to ask for time to process it.  Asking for time and space is ALWAYS okay, and I’ve done that on more of a few occasions.  I say something like, “I need time to process, because right now my wheels are turning, and I can’t really have a productive conversation.”

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry

Learning to Catch Baseballs and Feedback (11-8-23)

(Freshman year baseball picture)

See the source imageLast week was about feedback and relativity.  This week is about learning how to catch a baseball and feedback.

Growing up, my dad is the one who taught me how to throw and catch a baseball.  Obviously, being able to throw the ball is important, but we spent a lot of time working on catching the ball too.  In a perfect world, the throws would always come to your chest and right into your glove, but that rarely happens.  As a result, I had to learn how to move my mitt and adjust my body to make the catch.  The idea was that if it was in my general vicinity I should catch the ball, even if it was high, low, or off to the side.  All the practice catching allowed me to make these adjustments and catch throws that were imperfect.

What does this have to do with anything?  When it comes to feedback, we put a lot of emphasis on the person GIVING feedback, and there isn’t as much focus on RECEIVING feedback.  In our analogy, this would be like learning how to throw, but never really learning how to catch.  Even if you know how to throw, your throws won’t always be perfect, and if the person on the receiving end doesn’t know how to catch, the ball will either hit them and hurt them OR they will miss it entirely. In a similar way, just because the feedback is not delivered perfectly, doesn’t mean it’s bad/incorrect feedback. 

Think about the past few times you received feedback.  How well did you receive it?  Were you open?  Did you close yourself off and become defensive?  Did you explore to understand?  Did you immediately discount it?  Did you take the time to understand the impact of your actions?  Receiving feedback consists of being humble enough to admit you aren’t perfect, listening with an open mind, staying objective about yourself, asking clarifying questions, and understanding the impact of the behavior you’re receiving feedback on.  None of these things are easy.  I’ve messed all of them up and will continue to do so.  However, getting better at these things throughout my career has helped me have better conversations that have led to growth.

The challenge: How are you getting better at RECEIVING feedback?

Bonus: Recently, I read Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well: Stone, Douglas, Heen, Sheila: 9780670014668: Amazon.com: Books.  It’s entirely dedicated to RECEIVING feedback.  It was interesting and included a few angles I haven’t thought much about in the past.

Have a jolly good day,

Andrew Embry